Does anyone else have sibling issues?

First of all, why does your brother have POA if he's 10,000 miles away? Get that changed to you! At least the one for healthcare. Yes, we all have sibling issues. My brother lives in another state. I took care of my dad for 9 years until he passed away in 2009. I still have my mom living nearby in independent living (now going on 13 years of caregiving for me) and the only thing I asked my brother to do (after giving him several tasks he could do long-distance that he bombed on) was to call mom once a week on Sunday, so I could take Sunday off. He keeps forgetting. I wanted to throttle him the last time he forgot. He hasn't been to visit in 4 years or so (I can't even remember). He's retired, married with no kids. So you're not alone! But I'm blessed in that my brother isn't barking orders at me. That would really set me off!

Yes, I have tried, but he's......"the guy"....and my mom does what ever he says, but I"M HERE! My sibs do call my mom, but not me and she does NOT get the info correct, so they e-mail me or do nothing, and then blame me. It's s terrible situation! I'm totally frustrated with them.

We live the closest to my MIL, who is in the NH (thankfully). My husband's siblings talk among themselves and leave us in the dark and then we find out after the fact. They determined that she needed a trust instead of a will and convinced her to name my husband's brother as Trustee (he lives 6 hours away) We weren't aware of how this transpired until we hit a glitch. Because it is a trust, my husband is not able to a signatory on her checking account. My MIL wanted him to do her bills. In discussing this glitch with the siblings it came out that they decided the BIL would be Trustee so my husband "wouldn't be burdened with all the responsibility". It wasn't my MIL decision after all. My husband helps her by writing the checks for her to sign and balancing her checking account. When she is no longer to sign her name we will forward all her mail to the BIL Trustee for him to handle. Thankfully my husband is her DPOA for medical care so his hands aren't tied when it comes to her health care.

You are certainly not alone with sibling trouble. Vent all you need to. Consider screening the calls from your siblings. If they are basically unreasonable, that might be all you can do.

Assuming that they are just misinformed, and basically well-meaning, can you email them with a detailed explanation of the current situation? Write it out and remove all emotions - just the facts, Ma'am. Offer details from doctor's visits, and suggest they "check up on" you by calling her doctor or other caregivers. Inserting my personal prejudice here: break it up into paragraphs! The white space makes it easier to read.

Tell them you want them to understand the situation because you want Mom to get the best care, and you want family peace for her sake. Lie a little and say that you love them, and want them to know that Mom is getting good care, although she would benefit from visits.

Most people here have discovered that other people don't change. You can give them more facts, and try to get on their good side, but if that doesn't work, most of us have to learn to accept that WE have to be the ones to change. You have a wish to be recognized and respected and loved for all your hard work. You deserve that, but sometimes we don't get what we deserve. I hope you can get that respect from your mother and your friends.

Your siblings feel guilty because you're doing everything, so they're picking on you. That's unfair, very common, and may not ever change. The change you may need to make for your own serenity is to give up your expectations of how they should behave.

Feel free to come back and complain, because it's a painful situation you're in.

Hi arizona. You are definitely not alone in your feelings. 2 bros (co-POAs) and 1 sis that has a masters deg, but no common sense, and thinks any mention of $ has to stem from greed. The boyz are POAs and I believe it's just sadly, a generational perspective. I am the bad guy, ingrate, etc for having the nerve to ask for minimal compensation a yr and half ago (I have been her live-in CG for 5 yrs; actually moved from diff state, inititally on family medical leave to 'help' ... again, f-i-v-e yrs ago!). Yeah, and my sibs are 'bark-ers' too. Mom's got a bit of dementia and the sibs all come and go if/when it's convenient. Mom's still great at putting on a show when they're here. She told/tells 'stories' (ie - so and so came to visit, or that she hasn't seen me all day, etc that are totally false), but none of the sibs would ever think to verify the accuracy until maybe this last yr.

I feel your pain. I feel your frustration.

Im just so mad when I see this so often here. POA here in Ireland means that somebody or bodies is assigned to your parents "welfare" thier CARE mental,physical and financial CARE? How can the main caregiver not have POA even jointly?
As SA says no POA NO CARE my mum wants me and another brother POA as we are the ones living here and im the main carer the rest are abroad and only get home 2 times a year.
WHY has your Bro got POA i just dont get it?
My sis rang from abroad last night SHE WANTS POA I told her that I would share POA with anyone in this family but her AND if she manipulates my mum into her even being part of it I will walk away and leave it all to her.
2 months ago she tried to buy this house off my mum for half its value behind our backs KNOWING that my mums house is the only ASSET she has to pay for her future care in a NH??
Blood thicker than water my ASS! I am half dead from trying to protect my mum from a thief of a SIL, a grabby hasnt seen her mum in 2yrs sister,a devious other sister who sobs on phone then tries to SCREW us behind our backs THANKGOD myself and my 2 brothers are so honest or my mum would be in serious trouble we have nothing but her welfare in mind therefore WE get POA!

You know, I have, for several years, just e-mailed both my brother and sister and given them both the facts. It would usually meet with either no comment from them or they would share with me what I was doing wrong! So, I have totally back off e-mailing them, as it doesn't seem to matter WHAT I say!

Now my mom has another medical problem and wants me to contact both of them with information. I'm not willing to do so, as neither one seems willing to work with me and support all that I have done! So, talking with my mom tonite, I said I would communicate with them only if they would ever call me and find out from me what's going on. She basically tells me that they are much TOO BUSY and don't have time for that. In other words, their lives are important and mine is NOT! I'm now at the point that I don't even want to help her out! I think of all that I've done, and I guess she's not seen how much I've done to help her out. I'm so depressed!

Possible compromise: Send an email to say. "There is new medical news about mother. Call if you want more details." You have done the absolute minimum, and left the ball in their court.

If they email, reply only with "call me."

You wish your mother would love and value you. You deserve it, but you won't get it, especially as she gets older and more demented. You need to value yourself, and you need people who will agree with you that you are worthwhile.

Look to your friends, if you have any who haven't abandoned you. Look to your church. If you don't have one, consider choosing one, because it will help you feel how much God loves you. Can you get counselling, from a therapist, a pastor, a support group? Even try Al Anon. The people there learn to be self-loving in spite of the craziness of alcohol, which is a lesson we all need.

You are a good person, even if your family is too messed up to realize it. Come back and vent here whenever you want.

Thanks! I appreciate your answers and support! I know I'm doing the right things!

Why in the world is your brother who lives in Tim Buck To taking care of these issues when your're the one doing all the doing. Get yourself an attorney and get down to some sane business. Your siblings are pretty much out of the picture so why even include them--of course you could always advise them to come to take care of Mom or better yet-----send Mom to them. I'm saying that in half jest. They wouldn't go for either one. You are alone in this except for some interlopers you happen to be related to. Take the bull by the horns and find out what leg you have to stand on legaly. Things will not get better is the only thing I can promise you. They will only get worse---even and especially when Mom passes---That's when all the fighting will start over who gets the estate and on and on it will go. Start documenting what you do when you did it and witnesses who saw you doing ---the doing---. Keep track of what "they" tell you and discussions you have with "them". The most important thing you can do for yourself and Mom-----------GET A LAWYER. There are sites connected with this one that tell you how to go about getting a "lawyer who is expert in elder law."

I've been on here before venting about my one sister out of 4 siblings who would " help" once and a while. She and I were working part time when my father died 4 years ago. I drove 45 minutes at least once a week to take mom shopping, doctors, banking and whatever she needed to do. This one sister would drive 20 minutes about once every two weeks, then once every three weeks, then once a month. The house next to me went up for sale and I told my mom about it. She said no at first then fell about a week later. She wanted to look at the house. She loved it and bought it. This sister has to drive 45 minutes now and she visits about every two months now. I am just getting over chemo and radiation for breast cancer and even with me being so sick she wouldn't pitch in more. In fact she decided to go to full time work and I know she doesn't need the extra money. She did this in the middle of my chemo. My mom never drove or made friends, she has severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. I do everything for her except clean the house and mow the lawn, we hired people for that. I've been putting up with this sister for four years now and have grown to strongly dislike her. I stopped asking for help because all I here is she is busy and that I moved my mom next to me so I have to deal with it. I'm going away for two and a half weeks starting next week and have asked friends to check in on mom. Btw, I am POA and I also make her dinner most nights and go over every evening to give her company for an hour. My sister calls once a week other than that the only person she sees or talks to every week is me. My mother was a good mom and is not demanding. I was hurting myself more by asking for help and when I got nowhere I got upset. I just don't ask anymore.

You can see that you are not alone and this sib behavior is more common than uncommon...sad but true. Everyone wants to quarterback. You received excellent advice here. Another point, next time they make a suggestion, reply "wonderful idea sis, when can you come and do that for mom, she's waiting right here and all excited about hearing more about your plan?"...then let it hang and await her stammered response. When she makes excuses, tell her you're doing your best and if she has better ideas, you know mom will love hearing about them from her IN PERSON.

Doubt it will stop, but you'll feel better about saying it.

All you can do is set boundaries, easier said than done. But I'd certainly write ea sib and get my feelings out on the table and tell them the most constructive help needed is their physical presence for a few days while you take a break or money to hire in home help a few days a week.

You have my sympathy, Arizona. My sisters and I take turns caring for our parents. None of us lives locally, so we have to be away from our own homes and families and travel quite a distance to do this for our folks. We make it a practice to write an email to all sibs once a week to update on what is going on with Mom & Dad. If there is something more urgent, an email is sent right away.

Since the sisters know how hard the caregiver is working, we pretty much don't criticize or advise, unless asked. Our brothers are different. They are just full of...advice. Of course, they NEVER come to see the parents, they just stay home, 2,000 miles away and tell us what we OUGHT to be doing, feeding them, etc. When they respond to me with their "big ideas" I just tell them that their sisters will put that idea on the agenda for our next staff meeting (NOT!!!)

As for the brother who has the financial POA, if he gives you ANY trouble, tell him that Mom will be on the next plane, train, taxi, etc., to come live with him and his wife. You wanna make the rules bro? Then you do the caregiving.

As for Mom's stories being less than accurate, that is typical of dementia. We have a problem with Mom telling home health care people that she is being abused and mistreated by her daughters. I was known in the past for blowing up when I heard those lies! Then one nurse told me that they can tell Mom is well cared for, clean, well-fed, obviously getting her meds, etc. They don't see bruises and there is no evidence of abuse. She said yelling at her in front of the HHC people just makes US look bad. So now when she starts complaining, I just calmly tell her that obviously, if she is being mistreated or not receiving adequate care at home, we should find a professional care facility where she will receive 24/7 medical care for the rest of her life at her expense. If she would like me to, I can try to have her moved there by the end of the week. That generally shuts her up for a few weeks.

Is your mother mentally capable of making her own decisions? If not, you could apply to the court to get a general power of attorney, that will give YOU legal control over medical, legal and financial decisions. I HIGHLY recommend you find a local lawyer who practices elder care law. Some family law attorneys will do this. In the state where my parents are, they have to be evaluated by their own doc and by a psychologist to assess their mental state and ability to make decisions on their own behalf. If you can get that done, I doubt a judge would object to giving you a general POA especially since you are local.

Good luck. Caring for Mom is hard enough without back-seat drivers who are too far away to have a CLUE what's going on. And I don't buy for a minute that it's because they feel guilty. If they feel so darn guilty, then they can offer to help.

Anyone with siblings is probably having problems with them. My brother shows up every so often. My 2 sisters have moved out of state and occassionally offer dumb advice, due to the fact that they haven't lived with mom and don't know the circumstances. My husband suggests we put mom on a plane and send her to them for their turn. I told him that no one would show up to get her, that is how selfish they are. In the last several years, not one call or a card on Mother's Day or her birthday. When I post something on facebook for my friends benefit, cause they have been here to help me, they would understand.

When we go to the doctor's or something happens to mom, I post it on the family section of facebook and that is as far as I will go.

Jinx you are so right my family are coming soon to DISCUSS mums future Lucky I have ONE brother who is 100per cent with me my little sister and other brother are the ones who I have issues with. I am making it very clear to everyone that I have been mums main carer for the last four years with very little help or support from them and IF they even ONCE question my care of mum they will never hear from me again. I could suggest mum goes into a home right now and her house pays for it? im sure they wouldn't like that? I refuse to put my mum into NH because I want to look after her as long as is humanly possible for me my life is on hold not theirs, and the stress of caring is bad enough without siblings interfering. Im lucky in one way that my sis lives abroad and my mum is deaf and cant answer the phone SO she has only me to answer the phone to speak to mum and I have caller ID so if I don't want to speak to her then I don't have to.
Main care givers should put their foot down more and have very little contact with siblings who think they know better.
In four years no one in my family has been with mum 24/7?? how the hell would they know what its like?
I am dreading this meeting as a row is going to happen just glad my mum dosnt realise how much crap goes on behind her back! OR does she?

Arizona and kaz, did you know that the home can be quick claimed to you if you have been living there and cared for mom for two years prior to entering a facility without Medicaid penalty? This is commonly called Medicaid planning and reserves the main resource a parent has. Would your folks rather the children receive the benefit from the home or see the money spent on facility costs? I know how my mom would answer.

Thanks gladimhere but im living in Ireland and dont know what my rights are yet so much to do and too tired to do it! the only thing that happened to me recently was I went to see a Medium my grandmother(mums mum came through) she said I was to get the house as im the only one who cares!!!! I asked the medium if I could have that in writing!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

This seems to be a problem that is all too common. My mother passed away last year and I have had nothing to do with my two sisters since. And by the way is a real relief! Her elderly years and her death destroyed any hope for a relationship. If your brother has POA he legally is in charge. I was the " loving one " too, and did most of the hands on stuff. The legality of an executor over rides that however. Keep all your emails. Hire a lawyer to interface with your siblings and to explain the legal aspects of the estate to you. Don't expect to have it explained by your siblings. It will only get harder as the time goes by so for your own sanity line up some legal help now, then you can distance yourself from that aspect. It will cost a few thousand $ but it is well worth it for your sanity. I found someone local who was familiar with the lawyer handling my mother's estate. That was helpful. At least you will know exactly where you stand and will be less of a victim.

We have one sibling that lives near our mother and three of us live away. There was some miscommunication at times between all of us. So, we have taken a few steps that have helped. 1) we hired a geriatric care manager for professional, objective advice who visits our mother on a monthly basis, provides feedback and is available to our local brother for support 2) while we still use email to keep each other up to date, I started setting up regular SKYPE conference sessions with everyone on the phone at the same time, including the GCM. Everyone listening at the same time really makes a huge difference, and having a non family member there keeps everyone in line. It takes a lot of cajoling to get the SKYPE sessions done but it is really worth it. Emails are so easily misunderstood. I strongly recommend the group phone sessions (even if you can't Skype) and include the spouses if needed. It's still not perfect, but it feels like we are all generally heading in the same direction instead of at war.

Sad..but glad to know I am not alone. My dad died 3 years ago..my sister(the smart one in the family) was executor of his estate...she gave me my share of the sale of his house, but decided to keep about 7k that was due to me according to his will....she feels she worked hard on his estate and deserves something...I too worked very hard....and at any rate, no one should be paying themselves, it should be done out of love and respect. My sister never closed the estate and did not file the appropriate paperwork beyond the sale of the house...and after 3 years, the judge declared it closed...I had no idea that could happen! I kept thinking...he has a will...eventually it will get straightened out....

So no my relationship with my sister is done. It is a small amount of money...but it's not the money that bothers me...it's the fact that she stole from me...and my dad. I never would have guessed she would do that.

Recently I have been helping a family friend who is elderly. She was put in a nursing home against her wishes. After being there for 10 months, my mother asked for my help. Long story short...I got her out of the NH and back into her home with 24 hr. Care. She is very happy and I was happy to help. It was, and continues to be, a lot of work....but soooo worth it.

I just found out that my sister is listed as second to be this ladies POA....if my mother is no longer able to do it. Well, my mother is no longer able. She is 90 and having lots of troubles with her memory and just fell and broke her hip....

The kicker....my sister live pretty far away....is not an unselfish person...and my mom listed her as second to be POA because she is a CPA (the smart one...). I am a special Ed teacher....

I don't particularly want the job...but I would do it for this kind lady and because I know I would be honest. This lady has a lot of money....and I am sure my sister will somehow get a piece of that, for her troubles....it's so awful. She already got this ladies car, and got paid a lot of money for moving her from a second floor apt. To the first floor...a lot of money! I would have done it for free!

It's just so depressing. Money makes people crazy.

Yes, money makes people crazy. Mine is a very ugly situation and suggested a geriatric care manager to which sibling with POA refused. But, now we have one, and a conservator and guardian, very long, crazy story!!

I empathize with you on your sibling issues - I joined this site just so I could ask for advice about my sibling. I'm in a similar situation, being the only one who's here, not 3,000 miles away like the others. I'm coming to the conclusion that I should get legal advice and counseling for myself, and I would suggest it for other caregivers with sibling issues. So often, caregivers' work and expenses are undocumented. We're criticized for not doing enough and even falsely accused of stealing, abuse, or neglect. I think that, even though we know we are caregiving out of love, our siblings who do not generous with their time and affection can only understand the situation the way *they* view the world, which is that they are the center of the universe. So they can't understand that someone else isn't doing something just to get compensation or brownie points. I would suggest documenting what you do for your mother, getting some legal or professional advice, and making sure your siblings get a copy of your caregiver agreement. If you're doing the caregiving, you should have the medical POA for your mom.

Thank you both for your responses..it is helpful to hear others stories....I have been wondering if it's me and if I am going crazy. My sister was so mad at me when I confronted her about not giving me my half of my dads assets ....accused me of being selfish etc. but she was the one who stole money...how do people do that? Turn it around so that you actually start to question yourself....I have decided to basically let it go and stop worrying about the money and who took what, and leave it to a higher power. My only concern now is that my elderly family members are safe and cared for.

I had been accused of financial exploitation by both sisters. They actually came up with some times when mom's money had to be spent on major items which I originally paid for with my funds, then was reimbursed by mom. All is documented with receipts and cancelled checks.

I too, at times, have felt that I am losing my mind. How can our mother raise such drastically different children?

I have some similar problems 1 brother and 1 sister, neither one give a crap about their mother. When I look at my brother I see evil, my sister moved so now she has a new excuse not to help since she's not here, and Mom & I don't know where she moved to. Mom and I are better off without them. I agree with Jinx4740, find a Church, make friends if you don't have any (I don't have any friends left, I don't have time, except for my new friends at Church). I also agree with kaythecashier, get the POA in your name. How can anyone have a POA and not be there to know the situation?

Have both your Mom & Brother re- read the POA papers. TELL Mom it is your brothers lawful duty to uphold them! Let her know that you won't break the law! ( scare her) Hopefully she will realize that YOU not your brother should have POA.. good luck.

I have sibling issues.
I have 8 living siblings.
One hasn’t been seen in over 20 years. She is the mother of an evil niece and nephew that my mother and father raised.
One hasn’t even asked how my mom is doing since my father passed away in January 2013.
One (who was the closest to my parents) didn’t even drive by my mom’s house for 3 months after my dad passed away. Had no idea where she was.
One volunteered to take in my mom after my dad passed but failed to mention that his wife is extremely OCD and couldn’t deal with the complexities of my mom’s dementia.
Two are more concerned with whether or not they can get some of mom’s assets before she even passes away.
Two have been helpful.
I spent four years filing paperwork, taking care of medical issues for my father while he was ill, driving 11 hours (each way) to their home, once a month, and was on call all the time for one issue or another. I used to email all of them all the time to let them know what was going on. It would take weeks before I would get any response from some of them.
Now that my mom is living with us I’m not interested in updating everyone on a daily basis as to what is going on. Taking care of her is time consuming and I really don’t care what their issues are anymore.
I have DPOA and am taking care of all the medical issues that she has that were neglected for so many months by others.
I’m tired of worrying about getting help from them, because they won’t help. And, that isn’t going to change.
I don’t think that a single one of them have even picked up a book to read about dementia. Not one of them has helped in finding an assisted living facility for her when she does need to go into one. Not one of them has helped to fill out Medicaid or medical paperwork for her or my father for that matter.
For four years they all told me what I should and shouldn’t do to take care of my dad and mom’s health and financial issues. Not one of them lifted a finger to help deal with the niece that was stealing from them.
I finally told them that if they thought they could do a better job then I would buy a plane ticket for mom and send her to them. Not one volunteered (except for the brother with the controlling wife who made my mom’s life a living hell for 6 months).
I have 8 but I may as well have 2.

The happiest years of my life is when I had a falling out with my parents for about 2 years. I didn’t hear any of the drama that went on in my family and didn’t have to hear about all the things the niece was doing to my parents.
When my mom passes away, I will change my phone number and move on with my life and finally be free of it all. It simply isn’t healthy when you have a negative dynamic in your life. Not that my life is perfect. It is just easier without my siblings in it.

So sad Pink. My siblings are coming next week to discuss mum I havnt eaten much in 3days so stressed as I know a row Is on the agenda.

Lucky I have ONE brother who has been there for me emotionally and calls most nights to check on how things are going.

Like you when mum passes I will change my email,phone and only keep in touch with my one brother who was always there for me.

I will forgive my sisters but couldn't have them in my life again as if this has never happened you can forgive but ill not forget.

Just hope I have the strength next week to lay down the law and let it all out then so what I have to do and move on from them, have given up trying to get them to help let alone understand!

These siblings choose to not understand what we caregivers go through. Out of sight out of mind is my guess. I'm done asking for help! I've gotten every excuse in the book for lack of helping. I even told my one sibling " excuses are like A$$ holes, everyone has them and they all stink". It made me feel better. Lol

I understand how you feel. My siblings are not very invested in helping with Mom's care. My sister takes Mom once a week for the afternoon/evening, but my brother does pretty much nothing unless my sister goes out of town. It's so upsetting to Mom that he doesn't want anything to do with her. He used to call her several times a day, but lately isn't calling much at all. My sister finally told him that Mom's upset, so he called and made excuses about "how busy" he is. I finally have changed my expectations and have come to terms with the fact that things will never change.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to complain! I think the people on this site are compassionate, wonderful, and understanding. You're at the right place.