Does anyone else have sibling issues?

You are certainly not alone with sibling trouble. Vent all you need to. Consider screening the calls from your siblings. If they are basically unreasonable, that might be all you can do.

Assuming that they are just misinformed, and basically well-meaning, can you email them with a detailed explanation of the current situation? Write it out and remove all emotions - just the facts, Ma'am. Offer details from doctor's visits, and suggest they "check up on" you by calling her doctor or other caregivers. Inserting my personal prejudice here: break it up into paragraphs! The white space makes it easier to read.

Tell them you want them to understand the situation because you want Mom to get the best care, and you want family peace for her sake. Lie a little and say that you love them, and want them to know that Mom is getting good care, although she would benefit from visits.

Most people here have discovered that other people don't change. You can give them more facts, and try to get on their good side, but if that doesn't work, most of us have to learn to accept that WE have to be the ones to change. You have a wish to be recognized and respected and loved for all your hard work. You deserve that, but sometimes we don't get what we deserve. I hope you can get that respect from your mother and your friends.

Your siblings feel guilty because you're doing everything, so they're picking on you. That's unfair, very common, and may not ever change. The change you may need to make for your own serenity is to give up your expectations of how they should behave.

Feel free to come back and complain, because it's a painful situation you're in.

kazaa, just remember, you are the one doing all the work as caregiver. They can give you all the suggestions they want but when they all go home, you are the one who will be taking care of all of the details.
When my dad got sick I emailed them all constantly. I wanted them to know what all was involved in taking care of their issues. There are so many details involved in taking care of an elderly parent. Siblings just don't realize all of this.
I've learned that if I know in my heart that I have done the best I can, then I will be happy with myself. Whether it is finding her the best assisted living facility that I can based upon her needs, or taking care of her in my home. That is what I will take to my grave. Whatever my siblings have to say about it all is all based upon their own guilt at not doing their part.

Im just so mad when I see this so often here. POA here in Ireland means that somebody or bodies is assigned to your parents "welfare" thier CARE mental,physical and financial CARE? How can the main caregiver not have POA even jointly?
As SA says no POA NO CARE my mum wants me and another brother POA as we are the ones living here and im the main carer the rest are abroad and only get home 2 times a year.
WHY has your Bro got POA i just dont get it?
My sis rang from abroad last night SHE WANTS POA I told her that I would share POA with anyone in this family but her AND if she manipulates my mum into her even being part of it I will walk away and leave it all to her.
2 months ago she tried to buy this house off my mum for half its value behind our backs KNOWING that my mums house is the only ASSET she has to pay for her future care in a NH??
Blood thicker than water my ASS! I am half dead from trying to protect my mum from a thief of a SIL, a grabby hasnt seen her mum in 2yrs sister,a devious other sister who sobs on phone then tries to SCREW us behind our backs THANKGOD myself and my 2 brothers are so honest or my mum would be in serious trouble we have nothing but her welfare in mind therefore WE get POA!

Possible compromise: Send an email to say. "There is new medical news about mother. Call if you want more details." You have done the absolute minimum, and left the ball in their court.

If they email, reply only with "call me."

You wish your mother would love and value you. You deserve it, but you won't get it, especially as she gets older and more demented. You need to value yourself, and you need people who will agree with you that you are worthwhile.

Look to your friends, if you have any who haven't abandoned you. Look to your church. If you don't have one, consider choosing one, because it will help you feel how much God loves you. Can you get counselling, from a therapist, a pastor, a support group? Even try Al Anon. The people there learn to be self-loving in spite of the craziness of alcohol, which is a lesson we all need.

You are a good person, even if your family is too messed up to realize it. Come back and vent here whenever you want.

We have one sibling that lives near our mother and three of us live away. There was some miscommunication at times between all of us. So, we have taken a few steps that have helped. 1) we hired a geriatric care manager for professional, objective advice who visits our mother on a monthly basis, provides feedback and is available to our local brother for support 2) while we still use email to keep each other up to date, I started setting up regular SKYPE conference sessions with everyone on the phone at the same time, including the GCM. Everyone listening at the same time really makes a huge difference, and having a non family member there keeps everyone in line. It takes a lot of cajoling to get the SKYPE sessions done but it is really worth it. Emails are so easily misunderstood. I strongly recommend the group phone sessions (even if you can't Skype) and include the spouses if needed. It's still not perfect, but it feels like we are all generally heading in the same direction instead of at war.

I understand how you feel. My siblings are not very invested in helping with Mom's care. My sister takes Mom once a week for the afternoon/evening, but my brother does pretty much nothing unless my sister goes out of town. It's so upsetting to Mom that he doesn't want anything to do with her. He used to call her several times a day, but lately isn't calling much at all. My sister finally told him that Mom's upset, so he called and made excuses about "how busy" he is. I finally have changed my expectations and have come to terms with the fact that things will never change.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to complain! I think the people on this site are compassionate, wonderful, and understanding. You're at the right place.

Hi
I can totally relate as I have 2 older brothers who live with my parents. I can count on my older bro and not my younger one. Anytime my parents need help in any way my second bro act ignorant and care two hoots. I use to fight a lot with him as my dad sacrificed a lot of money to educate him . But today the only thing he does is stay at home and behave like a tenant and only pay for the house installment shared by my other older bro. When my mother had health issues ie Alzheimer's it was me who did everything for her and till today it's only me and my dad who really takes care of her needs. I can understand your pain. It's bad enough we are going thru a lot of pain, mental torture taking care of of sick parents but to not have any kind of support from siblings is even worse. It's hard I know but the only advise I can give you is pray to GOD for strength if all else fails. I stopped expecting anything from my siblings for a while now and to be honest it works better the moment you stop expecting. First step , slowly learn to accept you can't change your siblings behavior . Secondly do what you can in your own means and don't push it too much and be hard on yourself. I learnt all this in a very hard and painful way when my health took a bad turn last year. I learnt I need to live for my own family as I have 2 kids and a husband who needs me as well. We need to be there for them as well. We can't torture ourselves and think we can change them . Just slowly try to let go and stay away from them to keep your sanity else it's going to destroy your health and mind.

We live the closest to my MIL, who is in the NH (thankfully). My husband's siblings talk among themselves and leave us in the dark and then we find out after the fact. They determined that she needed a trust instead of a will and convinced her to name my husband's brother as Trustee (he lives 6 hours away) We weren't aware of how this transpired until we hit a glitch. Because it is a trust, my husband is not able to a signatory on her checking account. My MIL wanted him to do her bills. In discussing this glitch with the siblings it came out that they decided the BIL would be Trustee so my husband "wouldn't be burdened with all the responsibility". It wasn't my MIL decision after all. My husband helps her by writing the checks for her to sign and balancing her checking account. When she is no longer to sign her name we will forward all her mail to the BIL Trustee for him to handle. Thankfully my husband is her DPOA for medical care so his hands aren't tied when it comes to her health care.

You know, I have, for several years, just e-mailed both my brother and sister and given them both the facts. It would usually meet with either no comment from them or they would share with me what I was doing wrong! So, I have totally back off e-mailing them, as it doesn't seem to matter WHAT I say!

Now my mom has another medical problem and wants me to contact both of them with information. I'm not willing to do so, as neither one seems willing to work with me and support all that I have done! So, talking with my mom tonite, I said I would communicate with them only if they would ever call me and find out from me what's going on. She basically tells me that they are much TOO BUSY and don't have time for that. In other words, their lives are important and mine is NOT! I'm now at the point that I don't even want to help her out! I think of all that I've done, and I guess she's not seen how much I've done to help her out. I'm so depressed!

Roxanne, I have four siblings. Two have been out of the picture for two years. One is an alcoholic and has issues of his own. The last one visits about once every two months. I get sick of the " I'm busy " excuse, it's the lamest excuse. My mom moved next to me after my father died three years ago because she knew my other siblings were too self absorbed.