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We took our daughter out to dinner for her birthday last night. It has been a tough year. She dumped her no good for nothing drunkard husband. She worked hard to get divorced and is buying a house and working hard. For the first time she was treated to a very nice dinner out with my wife and I. She said this was the first birthday in 10 years that she had not been "greeted with disappointment" (ex would not do anything for her). We had a great time. The issues was we knew dad had a meeting last night and we waited until he left to go to his meeting. Knowing full well he would have come along. It was my decision to have the 3 of us at dinner. He didn't even remember it was her birthday anyway. He remembers the other grand kids but not the one who lives with him. Also when we go out he knows I am paying so he orders a cocktail, soup, a salad, an expensive entree then coffee and dessert and generally make smart comments to the wait staff. This is the way he does it all the time. It would have added another $70 to the bill. I just wanted us and daughter time. The whole time though I was racked with guilt for not having him there. He got home after we got back and I guess he didn't know. I provide shelter, food, care for his dog and everything else but I still get racked with guilt when I dont bring him along. Just becasue I have him live with us does it mean I have to bring him to every event? I take him to my social club meetings to meet people. I take him to some games at my friends house (super bowl). I still feel guilty when I leave the house and I dont bring him along. I need me time and time with just my wife and daughter (while she is still living with us).

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Costs have risen drastically over the past decade plus tipping used to be 15% now 20% seems to be the norm otherwise I feel guilty. My nephew was on the wait staff for a five star establishment and in training they were taught to encourage guests to order as much as possible appetizers, desserts and lots of drinks and fine wines. Your father is buying into this and enjoying your generosity most likely unaware of the actual costs nowadays. You’re not alone in the guilty feelings. Next time might be his special celebration but it was your daughter that you were focusing on previously. Your father is blessed to have you and hopefully aware that he is well taken care of. (((((hugs)))))
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You darling man.

Your dad acts like the world revolves around him and, out of habit, so deeply ingrained it's practically congenital, you *agree*. You not only act, you think and feel as though the world revolves around him.

How to put him back into his proper proportion... now there's a question.
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I hate guilt. But you deserve your life. Dad had his. You need to say "it's just me and wife tonight" When Dad does come go to a cheap place. You give him a roof over his head. Also, the entitlement needs to stop if it's aimed at your wife. She is not his slave or wife. He needs to be glad he had family that took him in. Seems he is pretty active. Take advantage of it now. Take trips, he can eat out or order in. Make him understand that when his money is gone oh well. I can understand how you feel. But you need your time with family, put the guilt aside. He wasn't left home alone to brood.
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I get it. I try to do what I can. Weekends my wife and I go out a lot, we have to. Most times I say I am doing errands. He wont cook for himself but he sure will eat alone in a restaurant. The problem is he is on SSI an has only enough for his direct expenses insurance ,gas, medical, a little for entertainment. My sister pays his phone. I pay all living expenses. All he has is $1400 a month to cover his expenses. He got his SSI and his tax check and hes like a sailor on leave. He will blow through it in the month. So there is nothing left for him to pick up a tab. Maybe that is my issue. I set his expenses up after mom died and told him he has a $10 perdiem after his expenses. He was never any good at money, mom did all that.
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I know that guilt feeling. When my mom lived with us she expected to accompany us everywhere. I didn't set any boundaries because my dad had just passed and she was totally dependent on me. I wanted time alone with my husband and youngest son who was still in high school. I was very stressed and resentful. This made me feel GUILTY.
A year and a half later she moved to an independent apartment in a continuing care facility. She's been there for three years.This has really helped but she still depends on me for socialization. She chooses not to get involved in activities so of course she's lonely. More GUILT.
When my son comes home from college for a weekend I have her over for a night but not the whole weekend. When all the kids and grandkids are here and she's not it's a whole different dynamic and we need that sometimes. More GUILT.
Luckily my husband has helped me set boundaries. He is very supportive and helps me get through the GUILT. He's getting ready to retire and we want a retirement like my parents had. This can't happen until I get over feeling responsible for my mom's happiness. I'm a work in progress:)
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It sounds like you're still living like the child and your dad is the ruler of the house. But he's in YOUR house now and YOU'RE the king of the castle. Your house, your rules. We ALL heard that growing up.

Dad sounds a little too entitled to me. If you pick up the check and dad knows it, I'd lay down some rules "Dad, you get a drink or a dessert, not both. You pick a reasonable entree, not the most expensive. I can't afford it." And there's nothing wrong with you wanting "alone time" with your child.

The roles have reversed now, in effect, YOU are the parent and your dad is the teenager. Start treating him like the thorn in your side that you were to him when the roles were reversed - ha! You can do it with some humor, but the intent is clear. Your house - your rules.

You have every right to alone time with your wife or your wife and daughter. Your dad doesn't have to be included in everything you do. Privacy is still important. If he can't get with the program, you need to find him other living accommodations. I grew up in an Air Force family with a Chief Master Sergeant for a father. I learned from him well, can you tell? But I believe you have every right to feel comfortable and not stressed in your own home.
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Not sure what it is, mostly stress. I would normally invite everyone out for a birthday but in this case he had his meeting and announced to my wife earlier "dont make dinner for me, I am not hungry". This is where I get wound up, he acts like the world revolves around him. He does know better, he just likes to be served.
So I get to sit and stew in my own self imposed stress and he goes along like all is fine. I know it is self inflicted but.....
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Nope. Nope. You had great and decent rationale. Nope. In case you're not really convinced: NOPE! :-)

You did great. I'm glad you had a good time. P.S. I loved Sunnygirl's "we have to treat ourselves in a kind and loving way. Others may fail to do that, so we need to be our own cheerleader."
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You seem to have your reasons for doing it that way. He wasn't there, so, he couldn't come along. I get it. Sometimes, we need a break. Plus, he's too greedy with his dining demands. That's rude. Does he know better? Does he ever pick up the check?

Sometimes, we have to treat ourselves in a kind and loving way. Others may fail to do that, so we need to be our own cheerleader. I don't see how guilting ourselves really helps. Normally, for a planned family member birthday, I would invite the entire family or at least those who live in the house. But, that might not be ideal, due to certain circumstances.

But, no, I don't feel guilty when going out without my family members, but, my situation is different than yours. But, I agree with Countrymouse, maybe, it's not guilt, but something else on the mind.
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No you don't have to take your dad to every event. You figured this one out for yourself, I'm just confirming your correct conclusion.

Dad was pleasantly occupied.
Dad didn't know he'd missed anything [eye roll].
Daughter had your undivided attention.
You saved yourself $70.
You saved the family any awkward moments with the waiting staff.
You include your father in every conceivable way that has any meaning for him.

Anything you still feel guilty about is unrelated to anything you are doing. Sure it's guilt and not disguised intolerable stress?
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