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Dear mema66,
I wish I could take away all of your problems and stress! Things sound so tough for you! I'll add you to my prayers that there's some relief coming for you very quickly. Is there any other helpful program that you can utilize? It sounds like you could possibly use a few more hours of time off. Is there anyone who can come and give you a break more than just the daycare? You can't afford to burn out, and you need to take care of YOU. I know this is easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but I'm hoping and praying that by mentioning it you might feel okay about asking someone you've been hesitating to ask. Or looking into a program you've been thinking about that's after the daycare. I hope there IS something more you can find to give you a break. You sound like you really need it. Please take care.
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Hi Malachy2,
I love your lighthearted approach! My husband's words are like carefully sharpened darts aimed to cause the most pain, and they do. But I do work at letting go of the hurt and forgiving him asap. If I get angry, I work at forgiving both of us, and think about how I can avoid anger the next time. It's me getting angry back at him that bugs me the most. I wish I didn't let it get to me. Sooo..I'm a work in progress.
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Hi dragonbait,
You have a lot of wisdom in your reply to me.
There's a reason I haven't mentioned for my husband's anger that he will stay angry at me about. About 8 years ago he started with early onset dementia. It lasted 6 years and no one can tell me how or why he has recovered significantly from it. During that time, he became very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. Very passive aggressive. I had to move out of our home to save my sanity. We tried counseling, and many other options for help. Nothing helped much and when he was diagnosed with dementia I understood why nothing helped. I accepted that he was ill and I had vowed to stay with him through illness or good health. I came home but insisted I had to have the bedroom and master bath to myself as a safe place. He agreed. I still have the master bed & bath and he resents it. I still have need of a safe place and won't give it up.

So there's resentment in my husband over this. He has a hard time understanding why certain things were done during this period of time when he wasn't functioning normally. Most of it he can't recall at all, but some effects he does question. He still has some minor dementia symptoms but they are greatly reduced from a few years ago.
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Dear 'Old Bob',
I'm so sorry your wife has had this health setback and you both have this tough communication situation. What a challenge! You seem to have a very good attitude about it all and I know it can't be easy. I pray the Lord continues to bless the both of you as you work out the difficulties of your situation day by day and I thank you for your blessings because I do need them.
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Hi GrandmaLynn5,
Thank you for the tip on the book. I'll get it and read it. I love to check out resources like books because I can learn so much that way. I know I'm not alone intellectually, but the book will probably help me reinforce that feeling if I go ahead and read it. Thanks again.
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I'm overwhelmed at the responses! I'll try to get back to each person because I so appreciate all the helpful advice and supportive words and information!
To 126Cher:
Don't worry, I'll keep in touch if you want me to. It sounds like we have similar diagnoses with our husbands. Mine went through chemo, radiation and had the Whipple surgery which bought him a total of 3.5 extra years. He was about 63 when he was diagnosed and the cancer had just spread to a lymph node and a large vein. It recurred about 6-7 weeks ago but there have been complications which I won't go into and he hasn't been able to be treated yet for the cancer. He comes from very healthy, strong genetic family physical history. Not everyone could have done what he has been able to.
How are you holding up? It sounds like you could use some support.
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My Mom was told they will take their anger on a loved one. I know that they are facing death and it has to be scary. Me, I, I grew up with a man who did nothing but hollar and as the oldest I got the brunt and made to feel it was always my fault when something happened to the other kids. So, I can understand the anger but don't think we have to continually take it. Now I haven't had to take care of a terminal person but...can u talk to him. Explain that u love him but...you asre not going to take his abuse. That you r there for him. You would like whatever time you have to be a good memory not a bad one. Tell him the next time he is abusive you will walk out no matter what you are doing for him at the time. If its in public, u will leave him. Not that thingswill be perfect but you have put it out there.
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God. Is this what I will have to face? A hostile 200 + pound man? I have worked and slaved all my life for this man. If he's dying alone in his man cave upstairs (no friends. no relatives. no support system) I will have to call in caregivers because I am 65, in poor health, and cannot do it all myself. I will put him in a hospice or nursing home tout de suite. He would CERTAINLY do the same for me. I have been unconscious on the floor from illness, and he just stepped over me, "thought you were sleeping, what's for DINNER?'....Dinner. Go to Downton Abbey for 'Dinner."
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You may want to get a full understanding of pancreatic cancer, if you don't already. Sometimes I find that more I oration allows me to distant myself from the anger.
Now that your husband has reached the abusive stage, you need a short term and long term game plan for yourself. You need to squirrel away as much money for yourself as possible. If you don't have a separate checking account, then go to your bank and get one. If you get social security, then call up the SSA and divert your check into your new account. Add money to your account at every chance possible, even if it is $5 or $10. Also avoid any big expenditures if possible. Buy only what you truly need.
Does your husband have a current will? If so, find out it's provisions. Make sure your house is left to you along with funds to maintain it
Your taxi money is a wonderful strategy. But do you have safe place to go for an extended period if things became really bad with your husband? If not try to find one. Knowing you can escape to a safe place will help you cope.
You might to consult an attorney about a PoA or Power of Attorney in case your husband becomes unable to make decisions for himself. A POA is a powerful legal tool that allows the holder to pay bills and make other decisions. Most attorneys will give you a free hour long session.
Good luck and keep us posted. You definitely need someone who listens.
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I'm thankful for these post. My husband has Parkinson Dementia and has started to be verbal abusive. Thankfully we went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed Quetiapine. It makes him sleepy which I don't like, but at least he is not insulting. It's hard not to take it personally. I too just walk in the other room and have a good cry. It's awful when you are trying to do your best and then to be the object of their abusive thoughts. Yes I know it is the disease, but it is hard to separate that from the person. Thankfully I also have the Lord to talk to and I have a church family. God Bless You.
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My husband also had a rare sarcoma in his pancreas, but Mayo surgeons cut most of it with the spleen, so he's over that. However, pancreatic cancer does not have a great success rate. The emotional outbursts can be reduced with medication and if he is taking medication for the cancer, these could also be causing the side effects. Talk to his doctor. Tell your husband what you have told us. Be honest and tell him how his behavior is affecting you. He might be trying to get you so angry at him, you will not miss him when he is gone. It reminds me of my husband who would start a fight on the way to the airport before he had to go on a trip (he was a pilot), so he would not miss me so much and he could then write me letters telling me how much he loved me. Once I figured out what he was doing, those arguments stopped. So talk with him. He also is scared of dying and just reassure him you will stick by him until the end.
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My husband has dementia and we have been married for 41 years. I am his sole caregiver and he is a lot of work. He has also become very combative with me. He pushes means says very hurtful things. I know it is the disease but it is still hurtful. I also have decided to uphold my vows to take care of him. I do bring him to adult daycare but can only afford twice a month. I do a lot of praying and wish the Lord would take him. This is no way for anyone to live and I feel very alone.
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Just be with the dying person. He/she is much more upset than you are. The patient is losing life. (I know how angry with myself I get when I lose my car keys.)
Hard to ignore hurtful,even abusive talk. At this time, however, it is his/her anger that is being focused on you. Try to step back and let it be.This is only a stage in the dying process. Hopefully,you can forgive the patient; and forgive yourself for being upset,angry etc. We all tend to take things so personally and hurt ourselves. We humans are a funny bunch, aren't we? !!!
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Please try to remember that his anger is not about you. It's about him. Repeat this to yourself as often as necessary. And I think your plan to leave the room when he becomes abusive is a good one. Even walking away when in a public place would not be out of line. Know what you can do and what you can't, and let the rest go by. You have a lot to work with. Take care of yourself as you care for him.
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I can relate to your problem..My wife's stroke in 2005 left her unable to grasp certain things and she is sometimes very impatient...I have learned to blame it on her condition, not on her attitude. I just say, "Well, I did not know that bothered you..You know what a dummy I am...Please be patient while I try to understand again." ..She does not have cancer now, although once did. She cannot speak and her brain is highly damaged due to the stroke. I used to get mad in return, and no longer do...Frustrated, yes. Unlike your situation, she never becomes abusive. She is, however, very often frustrated because I cannot grasp what she means with her gestures and she lacks the capacity to understand the I cannot do so....

My God bless you in this very trying time of your life.

Bob
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A book that might help: Elder Rage: Take My Father, Please, by Jacqueline Marcell. I got it from my library. It has helped me deal with my mother's rages and helped me help my dad to deal with them. Mostly, I no longer feel like I'm the only one dealing with this issue.
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Hi Coloresue....How old is your husband? My computer is kind of slow so I can not click on your profile. My husband also has pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed May 6th 2014. Please keep in touch if you see this post. More and more people seem to be diagnosed with the disease. I am nervous from sun rise to sun set. Write back to me please.
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