Is anyone else caring for a miserable and grouchy parent?

I also have a negative and unpleasant parent. It took awhile but it finally sunk in that she's not going to change, especially because she has dementia. My actions to help or make things better have a fleeting impact, at best. It's helped me disengage a bit emotionally and to feel less guilty about seeking respite and setting boundaries.

The issue is my father has ALWAYS been difficult and entitled, this is not new just because he's 91. The response is typical for a reasonable person but when you grow up with someone whose nasty and unable to be happy for anyone but himself it not pleasant. I suppose I've just been dealing with this wayyyyy to long.

Hi Ginamaria, yep, mine too,although like you, my dad has always been a negative person, always railing against the world and hating everyone. Now he's an OAP (90) he feels he has a valid excuse! After putting up with it for so long I realised that I can't change him and his attitude, but I CAN change my attitude to him. As caregiverforum1 says, you have to work on distancing yourself emotionally from him. It's hard but it does work. I realised that he was making me depressed. I only had to spend a short time with him and I felt terrible about everything, as if I was to blame for him feeling bad. Of course its not his fault he's getting old and vulnerable but its not my fault either. I've accepted that I'm doing everything I reasonably can to help him. Because of me he's in a safe, warm environment, he has enough to eat and access to medical etc. He has my love and support. However, I can't make him happy. That's up to him. Once I accepted that it was fairly easy to distance myself from his daily rants and get my top up of rational behaviour from others in my life. I hope this helps. Keep strong.

yep it's not only you 😃

😭😵😱😬😨😠😏😖

But I have no advice to say

Cause my brain hurts from the constant nagging shouting ...

Definitely feel your pain. My mom is nasty to me and a dream to my brother who is never around. He might show up once a month, but when I am with her several days a week, it isn't enough. Very frustrating. She can find something to complain about with me no matter what. Too sunny, too warm, too cold, food not good, too much food, etc. etc. It wears on you.

Same. My mother is so grumpy, insulting, and hateful about 90 percent of the time. It wears on the nerves. It doesn't matter how pleasant we are to her or how much we do most of the time. She is sometimes pleasant and nice, but not normally. My husband is right this minute texting me to tell me that she's standing there accusing him of beating our toddler. Sigh.

Just because an older person has challenges that make them grumpy does't mean you have to live with it for such along time. I'll bet you were warm and fuzzy when this all started. The time for warm and fuzzy is past.

This is not supposed to prison and torture. If it is, time to recognize it with eyes wide open and do something.

1. Meds make a huge difference! My mom went from calling the police on me (to say that I stole her car) to being a total pussycat. Thank you forever to the scientists in while lab coats who made that happen!!!

2. Placement in AL facility where he can growl at someone else!

Time to get real---you have a life, too!!!!!

Or did your Dad take care of his parents warmly and fuzzily?

I can so relate! After a lifetime of Dad's screaming & yelling, it is hard to take when you are trying so hard to help. He took all the quality from Mom's & my life these last 3 years. We finally put him into memory care assisted living as we could no longer handle him. It felt like a cloud had been lifted. I feel guilty. We don't miss him one single bit.

I really empathize. Lately my dad has become very complaining and it seems I'm the one he calls to vent the complaints on. He's also always been very critical and negative most of our lives as his kids. He's in the stage of dementia where he's got a bit of paranoia too and accusing people of stealing things. I don't care if it's the disease worsening this aspect of him or not..it's just wears on me and it's hard to want to be with him. Before he moved to live near me at a facility, I insisted he had to go on an antidepressant or he couldn't move here. He has generalized anxiety and always been very moody. Zoloft changed him into a different person and he was actually pleasant to be around. Now as he's gotten older (95) and recently had to have surgery, he's a bit like his old demeanor. The doctor said they can get used to their dose and so she's increased it. So we are hoping that helps. But it got so I would dread seeing his name come up on my caller ID. After taking care of him in the hospital and his constant complaining when he came home , I became mentally and physically exhausted. I just couldn't do it anymore. I became weepy etc. I finally decided I would not answer my phone after 5 pm as it was always complaints. Also I began to see a counselor therapist. She told me I needed a break and to get away for awhile. I knew that but sometimes you need someone to give you permission. I'm also going to tell my dad he can't just call me to complain. Anyway, you don't say if he's living with you or not. But if he is, you must part ways. You do not have to be the sounding board for all his negativity. It's not good for your mind and soul.

Abuse in any form - emotional, verbal, physical - is never okay, no matter the cause. Being elderly, sick, or disabled is no reason to sanction this behavior. Make it clear that you will not tolerate it. When they start in, leave the room for 10 minutes, then return with a cheerful attitude as though you had forgotten the incident. If it starts again, repeat the procedure. They'll soon learn that they don't have an audience for their rants. It may sound harsh, but you don't want to feed into their negativity by exhibiting your own. 'Better to remain calm and pleasant, then leave.