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I am one of four adult children of my 92 year old mom who now has dementia. I have lived with her for the past 19 years as has my brother, who is on social security for being disabled mentally. He is paranoid of everything, so therefore has never been able to work. I love my mother very much. She means the world to me and I have tried my very best , especially over the last 10 years, to care for her in the best way I know how. I take her out every morning to her favorite coffee place, I cook all her meals, take her to all of her doctor's appointments, take her on a summer vacation with her two dogs who she can't live without, clean the house, etc.etc.. My brother who lives here does next to nothing to help me. Once in a blue moon he takes out the trash cans and that is about it. He has become more and more angry and nasty and hates the world and it gets harder and harder to live with him. My other brother doesn't do anything to help me either. He gets mad over the slightest things, like my mom's dogs who he doesn't like, and then uses that as an excuse not to come over or do anything. My sister has done a little to help, but really not much at all. They all act like this is my total responsibility and that our mother is just mine when it comes to helping her. I have paid for many house repairs on my own over the last few years. The brother who lives with us pays very little to us each month and every month he has another excuse why he can't pay. It's hell trying to get the money from him. I'm so tired out and so sick of it!!
I guess my question is, how do I care for my mom and do my best when I am constantly upset by my crazy sibling who won't cooperate? How do I get past the anger that I am getting NO help from anyone? Does anyone else have a similar experience and how do you or how did you deal with it?? I know that I must accept that it is like I am an only child, but I really resent it.

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Your crazy sibling needs to have a guardian appointed, that should have been done long ago. This would be someone who manages his money and sees that it is used for food/clothing/shelter and not wasted. Your mother's funds should be in a separate account and every penny should be spent on her care, not your brother's or yours. So divide it all by 3 and figure out who has to pay for what. Your siblings may be assuming that you live there for free and caregiving is your payback. Sit down with paper and pencil and figure out who is carrying the financial burden for three people. If mom doesn't have enough income to support her portion of the food/water/shelter, then all 4 children should contribute equally.
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OMG -YES! My dad is in a Veteran's Home and the family moocher (my middle-younger sister) has moved into his house (free) and, due to some serious menetal illnesses that she refuses to get treatment for (borderline/narcisistic personality disorders), has become verbally and in some instances physically assaultive to family members and other people who try to visit dad. She is at the Vet's Home 18 hours a day and has the staff wrapped around her little finger. She is the one person I think is actually possessed. Two financial POAs and two attorneys have quit because of her behavior and now SHE is having dad sign checks that she writes for things. When his financial review comes up at the Vet's Home both of them are going to be in serious trouble for him having paid her living expenses. I've driven MYSELF crazy trying to cope with her insanity and horrible outbursts - language that would put a sailor to shame. Just this morning I made an appointment for next Friday with an attorney specializing in Elder Law and Family Mediation to try to help me find any more ways to help dad. He behavior is literally killing him and no one at the Vet's Home will help us. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control of how and when my dad (the next thing to a living saint) passes from this earth to his eternal reward. Thank you for asking this question. The most horrible problems come from those who are closest to you. I'll pray for you if you'll do the same for me.
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I found that I got when I gave... in other words, if I was the only one having a relationship of any kind with my mother, my brother and sister did not help.

One day I sat down with each of them, separately and talked about how mom was in the last years of her life and what kind of relationship did they want to have with her? How would THEY like to spend time with her? I was not asking for them to do chores or tasks.

My sister said she would like to visit once or twice a month on weekends. It turned out she did that. She stayed with mom and did hardly anything but sit and talk with her. She would cook and do a bit of food shopping and I have to say on those few weekends, I took OFF! I went off and did my own thing and enjoyed the time away. Although I spent NO time with my sister during her visits, she understood that I would be off and that was OK. At the end of the day, after my mom passed away my sister was very thankful that she had a few years of weekends once or twice a month to reconnect with mom.

When I talked it over with my brother, he only wanted to visit once or twice a year. It actually turned out to be three or four times a year in those last two years. In the end, he provided a lot of manpower cleaning her house and throwing things in dumpsters. He didn't want to go down memory lane and just wanted to get it over with and get on with living his own life.

He was kind of a good example for me. So, in the long run... I got no where when I demanded that they help. They just said hire someone! or put her in a home... when I helped them think about how they wanted to connect with their mom, and when I stepped away at their times with her, so they could have their own relationship with her... those were the times I felt they were most helpful to me.

Everyone has a different situation, but if you could try to look at it from the other persons perspective and find a way to appeal to their desire to connect with their mother, perhaps they will reach out to her directly and not through you.

I think in my case my brother and sister felt that I had the better relationship with mom, (she loved me best), and they also got lazy, because I was the first to jump at the work that needed to be done. While I got to help my mom in the way I wanted to, in order to be a good daughter to her, I needed to step away to let them get close... and trust me it took months before they actually started trying to reconnect with her.

Hoping this has been helpful to you and that you find what works best for your family.
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You are doing a wonderful job of caring for your mother. Try to hold that thought close to your chest and focus less on what the others aren't doing. You have entitlements as primary caregiver, including respite and homecare. Please reach out to your community services. Alzheimer's societies can be very helpful whether your Mom has dementia or not. They can also help with the legal paperwork that needs to be done immediately if it hasn't been taken care of. Your mom is so lucky to have a daughter like you who has enabled her to stay in her own home for so long. The resentment needs to be channeled into action...make good of the energy it takes to maintain it and quietly go about doing what needs to be done. Good luck!
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I agree, it sounds like the sibling is the one who needs help and before he also becomes your problem. He may be a good candidate for a group home. Check to see if Medicare can provide some help for your Mom since she has dementia. There may be charities in your area through churches or civic organizations that have volunteers that occasionally can help out with household repairs and chores. Also, is the legal situation with your mom clear as to guardianship, health care directive, etc.? I would get that straightened out immediately so no messiness with the siblings down the road. Your mother is so lucky to have you. Best wishes!
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In your shoes, somewhat. There will always be the one sibling that seems to do it all. My two brothers, both self-employed, do at least help with the day time appointments so as to interfere with my job, but they go over only when they have to. They would never dream of just going over the day to spend the day with them, tidy up, put the laundry away, help the parents with toileting, etc. My sister is my rock - never had children so really doesn't have that nurturing aspect, but will do anything and everything I ask of her to help me.

I'm POA and substitute trustee to the parent's trust - something the older brothers don't care too much for and, as such, remind me constantly I am the contact person and POA - like that means they can't help? They expect me to maintain the calendar of all dr appointments for THEM so I can remind THEM when they have to be and where. So I'm their secretary too?

Dad lost his speech to Parkinsons but mind is sharp as a tack. He can manage their financial affairs just fine, I am just his voice, and since I'm the banker in the family I am much more familiar with their financial matters. Mom is just now showing signs of early dementia so a new journey will start with her soon enough.

Know that YOU are doing what you do out of love and your reward will come one day when you meet your loved one again after they have moved on. I do what I can do as often as I can do it and will continue to do so as long as I have them. Don't hold too much discontent for your siblings, it is their loss - they will wish they had spent the time with them when they have them no more.

You are doing an excellent job and whether they may not show it, they do appreciate all you do -
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I am dealing with this too. My sibling and I are co-power of attorney. I had to quit my job to take care of my mother full time. I added my name to the deed. The only help i get from my
Sibling is that she takes care of her assests. She does not give me any info regarding them. The only time i hear from her is when its xmas, or one of her kids birthdays... that is when i get yelled at about gifts that need purchased, or a phone call from my mother. I dont think she completely understands all that i have to go through! So much work needs done on the house, but we don't have the money to fix it. I have used all of my own savings on things for my mom and the house. Its getting more difficult to take care of her. She has started tantrums and has even hit me or pulled my hair. She tells me she hates me and wants my sister. It hurts so bad since i love her and care from her. My sister does not want to hire anyone because the inheretence would dwindle. I am at wits end! I just need help and somehow access to more money. Unfortunately i cannot hire any lawyer since i can barely pay the bills. I am told all the time that once my mother is gone that the house will be sold. Where are my daughter and i to go???? ....so many sleepless nights filled with worry.
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There are so many on this board who deal with awful and unhelpful siblings, sometimes to the extent of abuse or theft of all of a parent's money and assets. I find it helpful to remind myself that it could always be worse--because truly, it can. If you doubt that, just read many of the posts in the discussion and question sections. There are some truly appalling people in the world. Spend enough time here and you learn to let go a little bit--take control where you can, obtain legal advice and assistance when necessary, etc. Just take a deep breath and try to remember that it could always be worse!
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I have five younger siblings much like your brother, and one who is helpful but lives many states away.

After over three years of problems with the "gang of five" because I've set boundaries to protect my father's property and assets - and much turmoil and many legal problems from trying to establish these boundaries to protect him and myself, I found some relief after applying for an order of protection against one emotionally "unpredictable" sibling who assaulted me in the home my father and I share. As things played out and my Dad came to realize the "gang's" true motives and willingness to lie and support (another) offender's breaking the law, the tension between him and me subsided. He has since taken some legal actions to address some of the wrongdoing, and I have taken action to have this second offender investigated for financial offenses against me regarding assets Dad placed in my name. As Dad's previous POA, this person misused his assets and conned me into trusting her with the assets Dad placed in my name.

Fortunately (for me), I could report this sibling to the state licensing board because their CPA license requires a "moral fitness" and ethical standards to be upheld.

Dad and I are better off with no involvement by the "gang" members" since the stress each one typically generates in visits/phone calls is harmful & sometimes abusive. I need to keep an audio/video recorder running during their visits to capture/contain their behaviors.

I know my response probably doesn't provide any answers for you. Just know that there ARE others who have challenges with disrespectful/narcissistic/abusive siblings.

Sometimes lessening expectations of the others - and ourselves - makes the stress a bit more manageable.

It sounds like you're doing a great job with your Mom, especially with a difficult live-in sibling and the negative/counter-productive brother. Coming to the realizations of what some people are is the toughest adjustment to make, IMO. Moving ahead in spite of them becomes easier.

psteigman offers some great advice re: finances.

Hang in there and keep this lifeline open, OK?
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It often amazes me how children all raised in one family can be so different. One sibling is responsible, honest , hardworking and giving and the other is deceitful, untrustworthy, and lazy. Unfortunately the latter makes our journey's tough. You have every right to feel the way you do. Things will be getting worse even more of a need to take action now to keep your sanity. Your mom has probably enabled your brother that has mental problems in the past. Maybe start by seeing what county/ state help you can receive for him. You can do this!
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Unhelpful yes? Nasty No! They'd have to actually contact us to show any nastiness..
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I am sole caregiver of my 94 yr.old Mom with dementia. We only have her Social Securty to live on. I have 4 hateful siblings. They don't care that we are broke, they have tons of money and would rather keep it all for them- selves and live in denial.
I can only say that this is all temempary. Enjoy your Mother while you have her in your life. You are her hope and joy. You have learned the truth about your siblings as I have and we can forgive but we won't forget their true colors.
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Thank goodness my three brothers live in another state, they do nothing to help.
They even stopped calling my mom.
So, I pretend they don't exist... And they get Nothing when she passes.
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Let court handle it for you. Call social services first. Good Luck!!
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Call social services, then let the court help you.
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Being an only child, I did not have siblings to deal with which caregiving. However, I would try to work with the siblings who are cooperative. I would ignore the brother, make him live on his disability check and don't supplement it with your or your mother's funds. Tell him he has to make do because your mother's welfare needs to come first given her age. I would try to give him a wake up call in that his "best friend" his mother is not always going to be here to do for him. If he is able to comprehend the message fine, if not --just focus on your needs and more importantly you mother's needs. If he upsets the mother in her fragile state, investigate getting him out of the house. I would figure he could go to a group home for people with mental illness.
Focus on the mother, it's time for her to come first.
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I know how frustrated you must be, because I'm in the same boat as you! My sister takes Mom once a week for a day, but my brother is no help at all. He has called to ask how Mom is, but unless I tell him only "good news" he doesn't want to hear it. I get the response, "this is what you signed on for," which just makes me livid! The last time he said that to me, just before Christmas, I decided that I've had enough of a sibling that doesn't help, see Mom unless it's a holiday, barely calls her or returns her calls, but will cry the loudest and longest when we lose her that he misses her soooooo much. I have tried to talk to him to tell him that while Mom still knows who he is, he should have a relationship with her, but that has fallen on deaf ears. I've come to the realization that nothing will ever change, so rather than make an effort, I'm done with him. My sanity has to come first and I'm miserable when I'm in contact with him. So, unless Mom has a health crisis, I no longer will be trying to have a relationship. It's so complicated.

My advise to you is to try to do the same thing that I'm trying to do...change your attitude, because nothing will change the attitudes of your sibling(s). It is very difficult to do, but I think lowering expectations will lead to a much happier life.
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Roxanne627 I won't even call them when's there is a health crisis! Obviously they don't care, I don't need their help, been me & Mom a long time, screw them!
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I can't say I blame you! Thank you for your post...It really did give me the opportunity to vent! I'm sorry for what you're going through.
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It saddens me to see so many of us in similar situations. I'm the youngest of 4. I never would have thought that the siblings I looked up to growing up would be the same people I despise today. My brothers abandoned my mother the minute she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister recently (2 months ago)decided she was more interested in herself and her own family and left me to care for my mother by myself. We all live within 10 miles of where my mother lives. My siblings have not once called or visited my mother or myself to see how my mom is doing. It is hard for me to not speak ill of my siblings when my mother asks for them (when she remembers that she has other children and who they are) but I refuse to break my mothers spirit of what she remembers about her children. I'm not a religious person but when judgment day comes, I certainly hope my siblings get what they deserve.
More power to us care givers who really CARE!!!
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In the last two years since I've become caregiver to both of my parents, my younger sibling has done little to help. Every so often, he "throws money at the situation" by putting some money into my parents' bank account, but he has no knowledge of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing their care. And, there is no willingness to learn or take interest. Visits are few and far between, and phone calls are starting to follow suit. While I am angry with him, I feel worse for my parents, who are all too aware of what is happening with my sibling's behavior.

The first thing you should do is to organize the finances of the household. POA, guardianship, will, medical directives, etc., need to be addressed immediately if they are not already in place. It can seem a hassle, but it is imperative. And, most importantly, you and your mother will both be protected. You may want to look into what services are available to your brother. Perhaps your local government or community has programs available to get your brother out of the house from time to time. However, if he is becoming angry to the point where you or your mother feel unsafe, you may need to consider a group home.

It took me a long time to address and deal with the anger I have towards my brother. Our relationship has been damaged, and I'm not sure it can be repaired, which saddens me. I have gone through many, many difficult days with my parents, even days where I had no guarantee that they would be alive the next day. I did it all without the support of my sibling. I have tried numerous times to see it from his perspective--maybe he is in denial that they are getting older, maybe he wants to remember them in better health, maybe he is scared to lose them. I don't know. What I do know is that I treasure every single moment with my parents. I have been stretched to my limits, but I would not do one thing differently. At the end, I will have no regrets about the relationship I shared with my parents. If my brother doesn't come around, he will have to face the decisions he has made. Take a breath and know that although the path you follow is difficult, you are doing good in taking care of your mom.
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I don't have an answer, and its a hard question to answer, but I'm sure there is one for you, but I known JUST how you feel, I have a mother who is 81 and who is just about as suborn as an horse, and I also live with her, as helping around the house, included in the Household are my 2 nieces who are aged 40 and the other, her daughter at age 16, , who, well, think that I am a criminal, a bum, and don't do anything to please "them" as a caretaker that I have been
trained to do. In additional to that, they think they know better and proceed to tell others that they do know better, and I laugh, that's the only thing I can do right now, however, its a tough problem, and with proper thinking, and not losing your mind over things, just take one day at a time, and talk about things slowly with your sibling, until you can have that "effective" conversation with your sibling. Good Luck and do the best you can, take care of your own personal health, as that tends to go quickly with caretakers, that has happened with me. , Stay tuned down the road,, there just might be more things that come up in the future relating to home health care on a major level of work, I have some friends that have developed and are in the process of a proposal for building a Major Project called, "The Diamond Star Project" just for those disability Specific Problems at home, in particular to Federal housing with HUD and the Reasonable Accommodations, but we are headed for objections, and we need every CARETAKERS in the nation to support it, and we are just getting started promoting this to the general Public, as well as to Washington, and the World.
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For those of you out there taking
Care of your folks or other
Family members, I want to
Say bless you.
There was a song awhile back
Tittled "people are crazy" that
Comes to mind.
Why others are so cold, I don't
know, but I suppose they have
Their reasons.
One of my theroy is that we
are a commerical society.
everything is desposible, we
Want nothing but new, and
That we don't want difficulty
Or hard work. Also money.
Its diffuclt, if you stand up
or say something, you'll get
Thrown in your face, "your
Getting everything
For free"
The truth of the matter is Ltd
Is well over $3000 a month.
You are contributing that
much.
there may be options,..if dad
Was in the military he might
Qualify for aid and attendance...
If dad is gone, mom might
Still qualify.
There might be programs locally
For home repair. There are
Also programs for heating or
Cooling, there are restbite programs, adult daycare. Homemakers, meals on wheels
And public transportation.
These can help both the caregiver
And person being cared for.
most have a sliding scale.
lastly, NEVER be afraid to ask.

Take care and I wish the best.
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Yes, I have the same problem. My sister who lives in town has been little help. She has helped more recently, but it's mainly me taking care of Mom all day and night, every day and night; and I get no breaks. Fortunately, after three longs years, I'm going to get more help in the form of respite and a new doctor for my Mom and also some other things, arranged by a new case manager. It is worth it to look into resources/agencies locally that will help you get help. I think this site can direct you to some.
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i dont like big mouthed dogs either. a quiet, well mannered one i like very much.
as far as annoying siblings, assure and reassure again that your very much capable of being crazier than they pretend to be by far. git effin stupid with them, sadly its all some people understand.
case in point. when mother went on hospice my sis and neice were going to stay in the home and provide care, they brought with them a totally obnoxious dog in heat. it stank up the whole western part of the county iz what im sayin. i lost sleep all night one night wondering how i was going to get that creature out of our house without a fight. it came to me at 6 am. i sez, cap, yer gonna grow a pair of balls and do this thing. i called sis who tried 17 different end runs around my resolve and each time i reiterated that " the dog is gone " . dont let siblings punk you around, thats all im sayin.
lol, mom hated the dog and as she was stressing about it on the big day i never had so much fun in my life as reminding mom 20 times that the dog is gone. shed offer another complication but the reply was the same the gd dog is gone.
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Wow, I hear you all. My mom moved next door to me 3 years ago after my father died. Before she moved here I drove 50 minutes at least once a week to take my mother everywhere. She never drove or made friends. I have 4 siblings, one stole thousands of dollars from my parents house while I was going there helping when my father was dying of bone cancer. I also worked 3 hours a day. I stayed 23 nights in 2 months. One sis stayed 8 nights, one stayed 1 night and my brother didn't stay at all. Since my mother moved here two sisters and my brother have become estranged. One sister lives 45 minutes away and thinks if she comes once every 2 months and takes mom out to lunch and a store she has done her part. My mom has COPD is on oxygen 24/7. I just finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer in November and still took care of my mom. I take her grocery shopping, banking, doctors and make her dinner every day. I sit with her for an hour a night to give her some company. Mom is 76, but seems 86 . I have talked ,asked and begged for help. I have given up. All I get are excuses and have stopped asking. I can rest my head at night and sleep. In the end I will have no regrets about not doing enough for mom, but they won't. I'm not religious, but I believe things happen for a reason. We caretakers will have a special place waiting for us when we do get to heaven.
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Oh, if only everyone could reach out and take care of each other when it comes to helping loved ones as they age. For your brother who is on SS, he could live on his own in income subsidized housing or a group home. Good advice from someone who posted. You should not continue, nor should your Mom, to enable him. It does him no good - what will happen after Mom and you are no longer here. Get your county social services in contact with him and move him out of that home asap. From what you say about his anger, both you and Mom could be in danger, not a good sign. He needs help. As for brothers and a sister who help somewhat, be patient, and do what someone suggested - sit down with them and put the question to them - what kind of relationship do you want with Mom? Have they always been unwilling to help - how was their time spent with Mom when she was younger and could do more with them? As long as you continue to do everything and don't really ask them, the situation will grow more tense. Also, find a respite place for Mom so you can have a break. You are running on fumes right now; you need to get away and if your health declines, you are of no good to anyone, especially your Mom. I know what siblings can do to each other, I've been down that road and it's not pretty. Your health is more important than anything. Get the paperwork done that is needed to protect your Mom's assets and if necessary apply for guardianship. God bless you for caring and doing. xxxooo
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I know exactly how you feel! In my opinion, it's time for the sibling to move on and move out. I gave up on my siblings- no help, very little contact. I decided to take matters into my own hands and do what was best for my mom and myself. I honestly feel like an only child and have decided that once everything is taken care of for my mom I am done with my siblings for good. Time to take control. You can do it. I know it's hard, exhausting, frustrating, and you want to tear your hair out but you WILL BE OK. I promise!
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Someone said you can always find someone who has it worse. That's probably true.

I think that for some of you folks with useless or harmful families, you should sing a different song. "There is always a way to make things a little better. I deserve to have a better life, and I'm going to try to get it."

I know there's no magic wand to solve everything. But please at least look for some help. Go to the local Area Agency on Aging. See what help is available. Sometimes they have a lawyer to consult, and they have a LOT of experience. If your disabled sibling has a caseworker, talk to them. Go through your parent's doctor. There are things you have to accept, but there are other things that need "the courage to change."

Maybe you have already done all you can, and have sought help from everyone. Maybe the only way to make your life better is to come here and share with us, so you won't feel so alone. Please join our family.
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Allow yourself to feel the "gift" that is you. Your mother has a gem in you. Your siblings will never understand what they are missing in not helping your mother through this stage of her life. When you must say goodbye to her, you will the one and only that can say that you made a difference in your Mother's life. I, too, had to do this on my own with my mother, as my mother's younger daughter was only present when she thought she could get something out of it by showing up 3 to 4 times a year and trying to party with my mother as if nothing was wrong. Typical questions would be Save Mom's car for me when I get home. Should I come home and take what I want now from Mom's apartment. How much money is in the bank. Is there insurance. Never a question about how to financially help me help my mother afford the nursing home and medical costs. Not one penny, not ever. My advice to you is be careful what you wish for. You are in a very unique position to continue making the most loving and complete decisions for your mother. You do not need your siblings "help". You are amazing without them.
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