Is anyone dealing with unhelpful and nasty siblings?

I found that I got when I gave... in other words, if I was the only one having a relationship of any kind with my mother, my brother and sister did not help.

One day I sat down with each of them, separately and talked about how mom was in the last years of her life and what kind of relationship did they want to have with her? How would THEY like to spend time with her? I was not asking for them to do chores or tasks.

My sister said she would like to visit once or twice a month on weekends. It turned out she did that. She stayed with mom and did hardly anything but sit and talk with her. She would cook and do a bit of food shopping and I have to say on those few weekends, I took OFF! I went off and did my own thing and enjoyed the time away. Although I spent NO time with my sister during her visits, she understood that I would be off and that was OK. At the end of the day, after my mom passed away my sister was very thankful that she had a few years of weekends once or twice a month to reconnect with mom.

When I talked it over with my brother, he only wanted to visit once or twice a year. It actually turned out to be three or four times a year in those last two years. In the end, he provided a lot of manpower cleaning her house and throwing things in dumpsters. He didn't want to go down memory lane and just wanted to get it over with and get on with living his own life.

He was kind of a good example for me. So, in the long run... I got no where when I demanded that they help. They just said hire someone! or put her in a home... when I helped them think about how they wanted to connect with their mom, and when I stepped away at their times with her, so they could have their own relationship with her... those were the times I felt they were most helpful to me.

Everyone has a different situation, but if you could try to look at it from the other persons perspective and find a way to appeal to their desire to connect with their mother, perhaps they will reach out to her directly and not through you.

I think in my case my brother and sister felt that I had the better relationship with mom, (she loved me best), and they also got lazy, because I was the first to jump at the work that needed to be done. While I got to help my mom in the way I wanted to, in order to be a good daughter to her, I needed to step away to let them get close... and trust me it took months before they actually started trying to reconnect with her.

Hoping this has been helpful to you and that you find what works best for your family.

Your crazy sibling needs to have a guardian appointed, that should have been done long ago. This would be someone who manages his money and sees that it is used for food/clothing/shelter and not wasted. Your mother's funds should be in a separate account and every penny should be spent on her care, not your brother's or yours. So divide it all by 3 and figure out who has to pay for what. Your siblings may be assuming that you live there for free and caregiving is your payback. Sit down with paper and pencil and figure out who is carrying the financial burden for three people. If mom doesn't have enough income to support her portion of the food/water/shelter, then all 4 children should contribute equally.

It often amazes me how children all raised in one family can be so different. One sibling is responsible, honest , hardworking and giving and the other is deceitful, untrustworthy, and lazy. Unfortunately the latter makes our journey's tough. You have every right to feel the way you do. Things will be getting worse even more of a need to take action now to keep your sanity. Your mom has probably enabled your brother that has mental problems in the past. Maybe start by seeing what county/ state help you can receive for him. You can do this!

Unhelpful yes? Nasty No! They'd have to actually contact us to show any nastiness..

I agree, it sounds like the sibling is the one who needs help and before he also becomes your problem. He may be a good candidate for a group home. Check to see if Medicare can provide some help for your Mom since she has dementia. There may be charities in your area through churches or civic organizations that have volunteers that occasionally can help out with household repairs and chores. Also, is the legal situation with your mom clear as to guardianship, health care directive, etc.? I would get that straightened out immediately so no messiness with the siblings down the road. Your mother is so lucky to have you. Best wishes!

You are doing a wonderful job of caring for your mother. Try to hold that thought close to your chest and focus less on what the others aren't doing. You have entitlements as primary caregiver, including respite and homecare. Please reach out to your community services. Alzheimer's societies can be very helpful whether your Mom has dementia or not. They can also help with the legal paperwork that needs to be done immediately if it hasn't been taken care of. Your mom is so lucky to have a daughter like you who has enabled her to stay in her own home for so long. The resentment needs to be channeled into action...make good of the energy it takes to maintain it and quietly go about doing what needs to be done. Good luck!

In your shoes, somewhat. There will always be the one sibling that seems to do it all. My two brothers, both self-employed, do at least help with the day time appointments so as to interfere with my job, but they go over only when they have to. They would never dream of just going over the day to spend the day with them, tidy up, put the laundry away, help the parents with toileting, etc. My sister is my rock - never had children so really doesn't have that nurturing aspect, but will do anything and everything I ask of her to help me.

I'm POA and substitute trustee to the parent's trust - something the older brothers don't care too much for and, as such, remind me constantly I am the contact person and POA - like that means they can't help? They expect me to maintain the calendar of all dr appointments for THEM so I can remind THEM when they have to be and where. So I'm their secretary too?

Dad lost his speech to Parkinsons but mind is sharp as a tack. He can manage their financial affairs just fine, I am just his voice, and since I'm the banker in the family I am much more familiar with their financial matters. Mom is just now showing signs of early dementia so a new journey will start with her soon enough.

Know that YOU are doing what you do out of love and your reward will come one day when you meet your loved one again after they have moved on. I do what I can do as often as I can do it and will continue to do so as long as I have them. Don't hold too much discontent for your siblings, it is their loss - they will wish they had spent the time with them when they have them no more.

You are doing an excellent job and whether they may not show it, they do appreciate all you do -

There are so many on this board who deal with awful and unhelpful siblings, sometimes to the extent of abuse or theft of all of a parent's money and assets. I find it helpful to remind myself that it could always be worse--because truly, it can. If you doubt that, just read many of the posts in the discussion and question sections. There are some truly appalling people in the world. Spend enough time here and you learn to let go a little bit--take control where you can, obtain legal advice and assistance when necessary, etc. Just take a deep breath and try to remember that it could always be worse!

OMG -YES! My dad is in a Veteran's Home and the family moocher (my middle-younger sister) has moved into his house (free) and, due to some serious menetal illnesses that she refuses to get treatment for (borderline/narcisistic personality disorders), has become verbally and in some instances physically assaultive to family members and other people who try to visit dad. She is at the Vet's Home 18 hours a day and has the staff wrapped around her little finger. She is the one person I think is actually possessed. Two financial POAs and two attorneys have quit because of her behavior and now SHE is having dad sign checks that she writes for things. When his financial review comes up at the Vet's Home both of them are going to be in serious trouble for him having paid her living expenses. I've driven MYSELF crazy trying to cope with her insanity and horrible outbursts - language that would put a sailor to shame. Just this morning I made an appointment for next Friday with an attorney specializing in Elder Law and Family Mediation to try to help me find any more ways to help dad. He behavior is literally killing him and no one at the Vet's Home will help us. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control of how and when my dad (the next thing to a living saint) passes from this earth to his eternal reward. Thank you for asking this question. The most horrible problems come from those who are closest to you. I'll pray for you if you'll do the same for me.

I am totally with you and the sugar coated advice still frustrates. In my opinion, it just takes continued talks with yourself [as an advisor] prayer and alot of deep breaths! I just try to be calm and say how long can I bang my head against the wall. I know when she passes how guilty they're gonna feel. Then they'll like me again, and try to be close to me again. I can see it as clear as day, but, Im just driving myself crazy, adding on more stress and depression when I continually remind myself of what they dont do to help. So, I told myself, Im really going to try to accept thier inadequacies, because it hinders me emotionally and my mother doesnt deserve that. She needs 100% of me to be present. Shame on them in thier laziness. My first step was returning a text to my sister and just said "Im learning to lower my expectations, so you just do whats in your heart and I'll keep doing what Im doing." and wished her a happy holiday. Am I still disapointed in my sibilings not rising to the challenge? NO DOUBT. But I realize, Im not going to win and guilting them causes bitterness between us all and ends up toxic. So for now my head is healing from not banging it on the wall [sort-a-speak] Im done fighting for the unity....and I dont need another part-time job. Best wishes for a Peaceful seeking New Year!
carla~