When getting your nails done isn't enough. I'm really starting to worry about my own mental health. I wake up every morning on the verge of tears - a lot of times I have tears running down my face while pouring my first cup of coffee. My mom is my first thought when I open my eyes and my last thought before I fall asleep. Then I wake frequently thinking of...wait for it...mom. EVERY time the phone rings my stomach clenches up, sometimes to the point of getting sick. I tried giving my mom her own ring tone or even a seperate line to call but often where she lives call from her room or she gives the seperate number out so that doesn't work. If I just don't pick up then I worry about what bomb is waiting for me on the message. Last night one of my moms old friends called - we had to move mom - again - last Monday and the friend wanted to see how mom is. The friend was so kind - asked me how I was doing, said I was a wonderful daughter for all I did - things I haven't heard from my own mom in years. From mom I get nothing but meaness. And yes - I know it's the disease but repeating that montra just doesn't help anymore. Because I have an adult son with severe autism living at home getting away isn't an option. And frankly "carving out me time" is so difficult and stressful it can make things worst. I just want to go ONE DAY without my phone ringing, without having to talk to her doctor, her pt, where she lives...her,her,her! Short of running away from home, I don't know what to do. I want to clean my own house, go to the store without picking up something for her. I want to be more of a wife than the tired, drained bitch my husband comes home to - he wants that too, I'm sure.
You should also remember that harboring and saving up your resentment to heap on someone later is very unhealthy.
I have found a couple of strategies that are helping me cope and that's enough for now.
I am the one who managed and did the bulk of Mom's care for 6 years from 60 miles away while sis who lived 2 miles from Mom breezed in & out and controlled the money. Then Mom moved in with me & my family and it was a disaster. That lasted for 2 months. Mom moved in to Assisted Living 10 months ago, again by sister, and I told the facility to contact sister 1st & not me. Sis now acknowledging and admitting to everyone all that I did the past 6+ years.
Well, about 2 hours ago I got an email from sis complaining about "all the calls" and today was the worst because she had to go over there as Mom was having a bad day. Ahhhh, karma! Meanwhile, I breeze in & out on my Saturday visits, and Mom is tickled pink because I drive "such a distance" as she tells anyone and everyone.
Guilt? Nope. Secret pleasure? YUP.
We had a pretty bad tiff today over the phone, and she was very mean to me. I asked her if she still loved me, and she broke down crying and said yes, with all my heart. And i asked her, then why are so angry at me all the time? And she said, because you don't do anything I want.
Y internalized the stress...you wake up in tears, cry through coffee. You have a special needs child, a needy mother and a marriage you do not want to damage.
Talk to your husband, remind him of that you love him and are under great stress, have a good cry. Maybe try to see a therapist, maybe even try a virtual option.....therapy is all about talking and focusing on certain things.....the online version can work for someone like you who is very self aware and short on time.
Your problem is not about changing phone lines or spending a day at the spa (which could not hurt), but about getting your arms around the very real stress producers you have in your life.
Best to you
L
I have to admit that I think she is participating more because it is right off the dining room and she doesn't remember her way back to her own room. Maybe that was by design? LOL
Of course, my mother still finds something to complain about in her ALF, but I always fall back on the knowledge that that she's being cared for.
Mom is now in Assisted Living, and I immediately set boundaries of what I would and would not do, what I would and would not accept. I truly believe that saved my life. Yes, I still get the guilt pangs, but not as often. We can't be everything for everyone. Goodness knows, we try though!
In my particular situation, I told the ALF to contact my sister who lives 5 miles away instead of me, who lives 45 miles away. It has been 9 months and sis just recently is acknowledging to me and others all I did for Mom the 6 years prior.
Boundaries. Yes, they are necessary for our own survival. I hope you find the strength to set them sooner than I did.
try not to feel guilty. You need a little respite. It sounds like you have given a lot over the past years Enjoy your time with your husband.