Has anyone out there just completely walked away - without overwhelming guilt?

One of the wisest things anyone has ever said to me was, "If you burn yourself out, you are not helping anyone." Set limits and stick to them.

Mscoulter, is your mom able to understand that if she wants to stay out of a nursing home, then she should be doing every thing possible to help you out? If stresscaused by her makes it impossible for you to care for her, then she would not have any choice. You would not be able to be there - then what?

Kdcm - thanks for the laugh!

Tahowoman: Good one AND so ttrue!

*TRUE*

Oh Lord! It seems mom has a gentleman admirer at the NH! She said "but he's old and disabled!" At least it's got her participating in morning chair exercise every day!

Rain: That's too funny!

Lol - I'm just hoping it isn't the guy in the room next door - he's got one of those stripper poles and mom could throw a hip!

You have an external problem....the phone calls, the neediness from mom. BUT more importantly you have an internal problem....you have great
Y internalized the stress...you wake up in tears, cry through coffee. You have a special needs child, a needy mother and a marriage you do not want to damage.

Talk to your husband, remind him of that you love him and are under great stress, have a good cry. Maybe try to see a therapist, maybe even try a virtual option.....therapy is all about talking and focusing on certain things.....the online version can work for someone like you who is very self aware and short on time.

Your problem is not about changing phone lines or spending a day at the spa (which could not hurt), but about getting your arms around the very real stress producers you have in your life.

Best to you
L

Yes, Rovana she understands that, but can't seem to help herself change. She is very stubborn and narcissistic.

mscoulter, thanks for mentioning narcissistic behavior! When I brought my mother her to be closer, I was intrigued at the idea of having a new relationship with her, adult-to-adult, rather than parent to child,. What I've learned hasn't been pretty. I see her as narcissistic and manipulative, but I don't know how much of that is her disease and how much of it is her. It's kind of forced me to see my entire childhood in a new light.

We had a pretty bad tiff today over the phone, and she was very mean to me. I asked her if she still loved me, and she broke down crying and said yes, with all my heart. And i asked her, then why are so angry at me all the time? And she said, because you don't do anything I want.

I just did about a month ago. I took care of my mother for eight years until she passed. Then my heartless and healthy father thought he "was going to step into moms place". For two years, my husband and I put up with his antics (one of which he left the stove on and he almost blew up the house with my son in it-he started drinking and was drunk). I had all the symptoms, stress, anxiety, you name it. Found him an independent living facility and my husband and I purchased our first home together. My father has not started calling on a non stop basis for stupid stuff 24/7. I decided to change my number and cut off all contact. I do feel some guilt but then I think of him calling my mother a b.... several times the month before she passed and then I don't feel so bad. I know in my heart that if I did not cut off all ties, I would leave my husband wireless and my son motherless-the stress and anxiety would have killed me. Trust me, it was not easy and I am the first person that would never tell someone no. But I will say this, I do not have anymore anxiety attacks, jaw pain, or chest pain.

Less and less guilt as time goes on.

I am the one who managed and did the bulk of Mom's care for 6 years from 60 miles away while sis who lived 2 miles from Mom breezed in & out and controlled the money. Then Mom moved in with me & my family and it was a disaster. That lasted for 2 months. Mom moved in to Assisted Living 10 months ago, again by sister, and I told the facility to contact sister 1st & not me. Sis now acknowledging and admitting to everyone all that I did the past 6+ years.

Well, about 2 hours ago I got an email from sis complaining about "all the calls" and today was the worst because she had to go over there as Mom was having a bad day. Ahhhh, karma! Meanwhile, I breeze in & out on my Saturday visits, and Mom is tickled pink because I drive "such a distance" as she tells anyone and everyone.

Guilt? Nope. Secret pleasure? YUP.

Listen, your parents didnt run away when you were a child and you cant run away either. You wont be able to live with yourself if you do. Your mother needs you, and your husband will be there for a lifertime. Your mom loves you, so do the right thing and care for her with love and compassion. Its her time now, not yours. Your time will come, but its not now. I am the sole caretaker of my 80 year old father, I drive 5000 miles a month taking care of him. I do it YES and with a smile and love. He is my dad and I would never ever turn by back in him, ever! some people have chose not to help, and one day I will remind them of that and hope they live a life of guilt, but selfish people don't have guilt I guess. Dont give up on your mom! DO THE RIGHT THING

Lovesdad - I'm gonna have to politely disagree with you, but I appreciate your feedback and point of view. If this were my dad instead of my mom I would probably feel differently - but who knows - dementia certainly has a way of changing people.
I have found a couple of strategies that are helping me cope and that's enough for now.

Lovesdad - I will add - for you to say my mother didn't run away when I was a child is your assumption. My husband has two separate heart conditions - every morning when I wake up to find him breathing I thank God. You really shouldn't make statements based on things you know nothing about. - Hope that was polite enough.

Lovesddd, all I can say is that mental illness and dementia are game changers. What is possible to do with an elder who is frail but mentally sound ( one who has good safety awareness, knows how to use a phone and is accepting of outside help) is a different story from a paranoid, immobile elder who smears feces when not supervised.

You should also remember that harboring and saving up your resentment to heap on someone later is very unhealthy.

Sorry If I was harsh yesterday,I was having a bad day with dad. I apologize,

As I read through this, it could have been written by me. I too check my phone constantly for new messages. My stomach clenches when the phone rings. I have been told by my niece to "put my oxygen mask on first". My sister, who is in another state and visits infrequently, is good at emailing me inspiring messages or articles, or telling me to do something nice for myself. The guilt is ever present, isn't it?

lovesdad - I know you apologized for the tone of your post yesterday, but I have to take issue with the content anyway.

I couldn't disagree more with this statement "It's her time now, not yours." In my view, most of our parents had their time - their 15 or 20 years of leisurely retirement when they didn't have to think of anybody but themselves. My mother certainly did. She retired on a shoestring at 58 and spent the next 20 years flitting about with friends and activities and rarely giving her family a second thought. Then when her faculties start to fail she's back in the picture, expecting her children (mainly me) to tend her needs and throw in whatever extra money she needs to maintain her lifestyle.

I retired 2 years ago and I have not had a single day of carefree leisure, a single trip or vacation, nor is there any forecast in the foreseeable future. Mom's needs have taken over my life, making the kind of carefree retirement she had impossible for me. As far as I'm concerned, she's had her time. This is my time now. And she's stealing it with her lack of planning, poor choices, and sheer selfishness.

I have to agree with Carla and others - everyone's situation is different, but it's just not realistic to think that each of us should automatically sacrifice our lives to care for our parents. There are so many extenuating circumstances that make a "one fits all" approach completely impossible.

And of course as humans we do have free will and have a right if not obligation to exercise it.

LovesDad, I hope today is a better day for you.

Lovesdad....I hope you are having a better day too. It seemed like you were angry and exhausted and it came out in a way of condemnation for many out here, so thank you for explaining you had a bad day. I'm a long way from retirement still, but I can tell you the stress from my hub's cancer diagnosis and treatment pales greatly in comparison to caring for two elderly parents.

There are many stories of marriages failing, caregivers getting sick or worse dying, so we know tomorrow is not guaranteed. We can't wait out our parents and defer our own lives because sometimes that is cut short and the window of opportunity to really live is missed entirely which we've seen here. Just reading those posts are devastating to me though they are a complete stranger. It's just sad.

One night my hub and I both starting tearing up after we left our parents. Not because anything was wrong, but because our lives have been greatly impeded upon and it just seems to get blown off by them sometimes...very frustrating. I've seen where some say a parent wouldn't want us to give up our lives if they were in their right mind, and maybe that's true I don't know. But my parents are still with it enough that I honestly think our well being is a distant second compared to their every need. So, next month, hub and I are taking a week after my birthday and going to Vegas...for an entire week. I've already arranged to extend the companion care during the time. They will be mad, that's too bad. We are tired and stressed out and my patience seems to get shorter by the day.

Just wanted to offer this additional perspective along with others here. Please come back and let us know how you're doing and hope you take proper care of yourself to know the warning signs when you need to be first and do that for yourself and family. It will also help ensure you can be there for your dad going forward. All the best.

So mom called at 9pm last night. Phone calls in the evening/night are usually the worst ones. Things have been a bit better lately - and of course I answer the phone. Mom is all worked up, seems someone stole the side railings off her hospital bed! About two weeks ago mom was falling everyday - sometimes twice a day. I believe some of the falls may have been legit but mom did tell me that many times she laid down on the floor on purpose. Seems her "plan" was for these falls to get me to move her into my home. Not quite sure how she had reasoned that all out in her head - but that was the goal. I, of course can't get her to understand that if anything falls just reinforce why she needs the 24 hr a day care that I can't provide at home. Anyhow - the facility asked me to get her a low hospital bed as part of the "no falls" plan. The bed was delivered Tuesday and I saw it Wednesday - all good, right? Then the call. Mom was all worked up over someone stealing the railings - it never had railings! Of course I try to explain that to her and of course she just wasn't having it. Mom asks to speak to my hubby. Mom adores my husband so I figure he can try talking to her. I marveled at the way he handled her! Hubby has no experience - beyond my mom - dealing with dementia. Yet he was perfect - listened, reassured, didn't try to reason, told her we'd get it all figured out. After about 5 minutes she was calm and satisfied with what was said and hung up to go to bed. My hubby just took it all in stride. The man is a saint, I swear! When he married me he knew he was getting a disabled child in the package but no one could have predicted this 5 year and counting, ordeal with my mom. And what a basket case I've become. Today I'm off for my regular Friday visit. Maybe the bed rails will be forgotten, maybe not. I don't get how they even became an issue - who knows - but I get the feeling today is gonna be a klonopin kind of day.

I see I posted a comment here back in the middle of November. My story was much the same as many of you ... no matter I gave up home and career to care for her, no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough. The three years she spent in the NH she refused to leave her room, associate with anyone or try any activities, just spent each day being mean and vicious and attacking me by phone or in person at every opportunity. An A1 narcissist, she'd been like that all her life but four years caring for her followed by three years in the NH was pure hell.

At the time my mother passed my blood pressure was dangerously high, I was supposed to go back for a recheck and if it was still high start on meds, but I decided to give myself time to breathe and just be me.

The palpitations, hearing my blood thumping as I tried to sleep, and the sick thundering stomach 24/7 have gone away. Christmas in a couple of weeks. I have no family and most friends are far away. I get invitations but, as usual, it will be me and my beloved dogs, eating things we shouldn't, curled up by the fire watching old movies.

I'm giving myself until after New Years then I'll see how I feel about getting the BP rechecked. In the meantime I'm puttering around home, doing just as I please each day and enjoying the peace and quiet of country living.

The thing is, we're seeing great advances in longevity, but we're muddling along with the same old practices and attitudes about elder care from a century ago (or longer!). The demands placed on people simply to support themselves and live, can make the added burden of caring for elders, especially when there's dementia and/or mental illness involved, can become unbearable.

Well said Ribbman, they are making all parts of the body last longer except the brain. As a caregiver for my wife the life I wanted to live is gone. Life is not a lot of fun.
Don

Right on Ribbman!

Ribbman & Don187, I hear ya. My mom was never a drinker, never cared for fast food or processed food and quit smokng in the late 1970s. As I despair over her current mobility issues and impaired reasoning, a little part of me wonders if she'd have been better off smoking herself onto an early grave -- like my father.

Oops -- Donr827!

Well---I got KICKED out and am dealing with a little guilt--less and less as the days go by. Mother (almost 86) got mad at me for meddling in her personal affairs and telling my siblings because she likes to keep all of us in the dark about a lot of stuff. She was trying to sneak in a 2nd hip replacement surgery again without our knowledge--knowing we'd all blow a gasket. She had one hip replaced 18 months ago, did a really poor rehab and for some reason known only to her, decided to pre-emptively have the 2nd hip done. She walked with a cane prior to surgery, relies 100% on a walker now. No pain in the "new hip" and seemingly minimal pain in the "bad one". Last summer she tried to get it done and we sibs found out and she was cowed by the pressure (so she said, in truth her GP wouldn't sign off on her)..now she's trying again. I found out about her trying again to do this and ratted her out to the other sibs. Now I am persona non grata. She told me to "butt out, get out and don't let the door hit you on your way out."
At first I felt just horrible....after several days, I am feeling lighter and better. I have no plans to visit her and lobbed the ball of "mother care" to my youngest sister who has done nothing to care for mother.
I used to have horrible guilt if I didn't get up to her place at least twice a week for general maintenance and cleaning....I hope sis appreciates what a pain this is...those depends need to go out daily...and I'm not doing it.
Yeah...a little guilt, but it's fading fast.