Anyone caring for a parent with dementia feeling so anxious they feel sick?

We’ve been going through this with our mother for 2.5 years. My sister seems to be handling this better than me. The anxiety has also made me sick. The anxiousness is actually becoming maddening to me. I’m scaring myself. If you have a trusted and non judgmental friend you could talk to, maybe that might relieve the immense, pressure, guilt, fear, anger you may be going through. If possible, physical work/exercise may also help get rid of some of the anxiety. Don’t go it alone. Find a support group, trusted friends and maybe even a counselor. There’s life to be lived after we all suffer through this. You need to be healthy for that. And now I must also take my own advice.

I constantly feel nausea. I try as best I can, but it never seems enough. I read up on all the things you should and shouldn't do, but slip up more often than I would like.

Well, it is overwhelming! You need to know when to cry uncle. Get some Resite services!
If you broke a leg, or had a heart attack, you would not worry so much about LO being comfortable with "strangers" coming in. So let yourself off the hook. You Mental Health is your Health!
Maybe start with a companion service come in and do puzzles or play cards. Even just watch and talk about her favorite shows.
Maybe just run to the store...or get your nails done in the middle of the first few visits.
I know a lot of people who do this work. Many are retired or near that age. A white lie, that a friend of a friend is coming by, can often help.

I have done respite care on a private basis. Family didn't want Pros in for fear of getting reported.
Especially when LO has been treated like a queen, pandered too, or was always the one in charge, they resist change. But start slipping in some "You time", and get some backup.
My grandma had a grad student and photographer spend several months working with her as a research project. The one to one attention, thinking she was helping him, she was filled with joy. It shows in the photos he took.

You know the old saying, If Mama's not happy, nobody's happy! You're the Mama now!

It is so overwhelming for me too (my mom). It keeps happening. Her personality is different each time I see her. It's awful. Just letting you know 'I feel your pain'. Best to you.

My parents just moved into an independent-living facility. It’s a nice place, and they have close friends who have also just moved in, so I really get that parts of this are going really well, but still I feel like I should have somehow anticipated more of the difficulties they are having.
I feel so anxious, and guilty, and like I’ll never even start to catch up, much less keep up.
Dad, my son, and I are all on the autism spectrum. Of the three of us, I am the only living autistic in the family who still has fluent spoken and written language. My son, is working very hard on communicating, and has many gifts, but his speech and writing have always been extremely limited. Dad’s history is more complex. For part of his childhood, he was a selective mute. He did regain full speech for most of his life, until several strokes robbed him of it about two years ago. I discovered in the past month or so that he is also now having significant problems with writing and reading.
Here is one source of guilt for me: I was dismissive of my Mom’s assessment that, on top of everything else, Dad is getting confused. I’m so accustomed to my own communication problems (Like many speaking autistics, I lose speech quickly and dramatically when I’m under stress) and my son’s (whose speech is limited, but clearly understands most of what is going on, and is so creative in making himself understood) that I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Mom is right: it’s not just his eloquence my father has lost.
I’ve been visiting my parents regularly, and two weeks ago, as we were on our way to the dining room, Dad started heading for the door out of the building. That has nothing to do with speech. Since my son also has a history of wandering, and also still needs a high level of support to stay safe, I know about all kinds of products that can help prevent both of them from getting in trouble wandering, but seeing my brilliant, witty Dad at risk was just devestating. Mom has always resisted any talk of autism, my son’s, mine, or my Dad’s, and treats us like we can’t think when we can’t speak. This attitude is wrong and unhelpful, but I should not have assumed that she was completely wrong about Dad’s decline. She’s right. It’s real, and the sooner, we get her more support the better. She already has caregiver burnout, and Dad is likely to get more, not less, confused.
Caring for elders is almost a mirror image of caring for young people, at least that’s my impression so far. I’m a newbie in this territory. When I look at my son, it’s much easier to look forward. He makes progress. To me, his future doesn’t look easy, but it looks promising. With Dad, I’m having trouble not mourning all he has lost and will lose. Mom is impatient with Dad; she keeps losing her temper and snapping at him (and sometimes me.) I get that this is awful for her. I love both of my parents very much, and want to treat them both with gentle compassion, but I’m having trouble living up to my standard of how a good daughter should behave. My only sibling died years ago, and I feel a strong responsibility to show them as much care as they showed their own parents, but they seem to have promised themselves they would never burden me that way. It’s all so confusing. We all love each othe. In trying to protect each other, I think we’re all driving each other up the wall.
l’m starting to have all kinds of aches and pains, in addition to some vertigo. I’m trying to get enough sleep, eat healthy, stay physically active and hydrated, be a good wife, mother and citizen. But, as those of you who love people with autism probably already know, we are easily overwhelmed, not that all of this wouldn’t overwhelm anyone, autistic or not.
My doctor has been really sympathetic, and ordered various tests to rule out anything serious. I know all the tests are important, but they’re the last thing I feel like doing with my very little spare time.

Yes. Sick. Emotional. Anxious. Afraid.
You name it, I feel it . I wish you well...during this incredibly difficult time.

Yes Dixie its very hard. You are not alone and I am happy to know I am not the only one feeling this way. Unless a person is hands on with this they will never understand. People say get help. Well my mom had aides to assist her in the assisted living facility & I still have to work at it. The aides have 12 residents to oversee. Sometimes they don't have time to make up moms bed. I have to keep track of moms supplies, mom is incontinent. I make sure she is clean etc. Yes I have burn out. The key is to recognize it then step back for a breather. Read caregiver articles, go out with a friend, by a perfume anything to pamper yourself. One person post about getting asthma. I could relate. Just a few months ago I had severe allergy symptoms resulting in inflammation. I ended up on steroid's, decongestant and was told to increase my fluid intake. Its true as caregivers we must be extremely careful. I do a lot but it's worth it. My mom's alive & I have peace of mind I'm doing everything I can to make sure she's not neglected. However I am working on pulling back to take care of me more.

My mom passed away Thursday. Just before that I thought I had an ulcer from how anxious I was all the time. I finally walked away from our relationship, about 2 weeks before she died. Tragic, yes, but I have two daughters to care for and I literally couldn't take it anymore.

I know the feeling. Each day there is something new that I have to address and I am slowly getting everything together in medical equipment for my husband. I know there will be additional things that I will have to be prepared for but I never "borrow" trouble. Some days are really good and others, really bad. I'm not one for taking medication for myself because I feel I have to be alert for my husband. Never know what he is going to do. Each caregiver has their own method to deal with their situation and only you know how much you can tolerate. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up and think less of yourself for what you are feeling. Talk to the doctor and ask him for a prescription for "Palliative Care". This is a help group of social worker, nurse and doctor. You get an appointment for yourself and whoever you are taking care of and you give them a history of your circumstances. They will go over the meds, level of dementia, problems that you have to deal with and they will give you a list of organizations in your area that can help you. My husband's medical service has a meeting with a social worker every other week where caregivers can talk about their challenges and how they solved them. You can vent your frustrations, cry or get helpful hints on how others are coping, Hopefully, your area has the same thing.

I'm finally getting that I'm in a constant state of anxiety/fear w/one dementia parent and one who's not making good monetary decisions(predementia?).
After reading posts, I might have to resort to some medication for awhile to get me through. I'm going to try a meditation class too.
It's so stressful!! Give yourself pats on the back for having to go through this and think of what would work for you to help reduce stress. We're with you!

As a therapist I had delusional clients. I also had a neighbor with Altzheimers, they called me to help when agitated.
First, don't contradict! Embrace their current reality/delusional thinking and use it to work through their anxiety.
Second, with ALZ use a core beliefs or memory. Something learned and reinforced since childhood.
-Remember, we are nice to guest ( if they don't recognize you or other LO).
- You know you never yell at a lady. You remember that, your parents ( or the nuns) taught you that! Now I need you to be good and not yell at ___.
- Butterfly therapy. Practice this. Have LO pick a place, real or imagined. They are By Themselves! and happy and peaceful. Have them pick a word or short phrase for this place. (ie.- the beach, wrapped by angel wings, clouds, garden).
Have them cross their arms gently so each hand can gently tap opposite upper arm ( or knee if they are large chested).
Tell then to think of their Happy Place, then use a signal to have them tap alternate arms SLOWLY. If they can start with a deep breath, great. Otherwise have them breath after 15 sets of taps.
So, " Think of your garden. Tap tap tap...Your garden, tap...tap... tap. Ok breath.
Repeat as needed.
This has been used with small children traumatized by the Dec 26 Sunami. It really works!

I wish I could tell you I had an easy answer, but one thing I did learn was my mother needed anti anxiety meds.!! Once the correct dosage was reached, 100 mg. of Seratonin in her case, My mother became more content and since she was then in Assisted Living, I knew she was being checked on, her meds. were being managed, and that helped me feel better about having a break that I Really needed.
I understand that even when you’re home or out shopping, you’re always thinking, “What do I need to get for Mom?”
The best thing for me for survival was getting away to the beach, with my husband, for a few days or even a week. Amazingly when my mom knew I would be away, she seemed more content because she wasn’t relying on me to take care of every little request she had,..almost daily!!
As long as you know she’s safe and being taken care of, you need to step away, allow yourself time to breath, pamper yourself and know you will be a better daughter for being allowed to recharge. I think your mother would want you taking care of yourself and would understand you need a break.
God bless you and comfort you everyday.

I feel your pain. I was caring for my parents 88 and 86, one with Alzheimer’s and one with Vascular Dementia. They are now in a care home as my health and mental health was suffering. I am 63 and they refused any other care except mine. Even once they are in a Care Home the responsibilities do not stop, only get slightly better. I have felt, anxious, depressed, resentful that I haven’t been able to enjoy my retirement yet and if I will even reach that point and yet I love them so much. I feel helpless. I want them to have a home. Care homes are not a home. I know they are safe there. It is a fairly good one. I have no siblings to help as my lovely sister died young. Help! Keep your chin up. People on this forum are very good at giving advice and having a listening ear. The support is good. Take care.

Funny- I was thinking that just this morning- and for the past week. Things are really ramping up with my mothers health. She is declining so fast I am so overwhelmed with the stress and anxiety and emotion of it. so to answer your question- YES-
It is all encompassing

You don't mention how long you've been in this situation, or if you're caregiving full time, but here's my story:

I have always been a very calm, centered person, but seeing after my mom landed me in the ER early on with what I was convinced was some sort of heart event; no, just stress and anxiety. (Ironically, my share of the hospital bill didn't help with the stress and anxiety.) I was given a supply of Xanax, which got me through that time while I adjusted to my caregiver role. That was 4 1/2 years ago. Mother is now almost 85, doesn't know her own name, and has developed some sort of heart issue that we're trying to figure out. I say all that to add this: the anxiety eventually gave way to acceptance and pragmatism. It's sort of like having a new baby; I remember in the beginning I worried and had nightmares, but eventually realized there was a long haul in front of me and settled into it. The difference in the situations is that there's very little joy, if any, in caring for someone with dementia.

My personal battle now is with a low level of depression that I became aware of a few months ago. I realized that I was feeling trapped and resigned, especially since there's no end in sight; not a recipe for happiness. So my husband and I are taking active steps to get through this time: I have quit a part-time job that had also become a drain, I'm committing myself to working out again and eating better, making sleep a REAL PRIORITY, and planning things, even small things, to look forward to (something that had really gone to the wayside).

Now I would like to add that we lived with my mom for 6 months while getting all her affairs in order (affairs that she assured my siblings and me she had taken care of), then she lived with my husband and me for a few months. I quickly realized that this was not a healthy situation for anyone involved, so she has been in assisted living for several years. She needed community, for one thing, and I needed to remain her daughter for as long as possible. Now it's time for memory care. That's our situation. We're fortunate that Mother has the funds that allow us to make these choices for her. But there has STILL been stress, anxiety, and depression.

I don't know how to be positive in such a negative situation. Acceptance seems to be the best I can hope for, and I'm kind of okay with that.

My warmest regards to you - you are not alone.

ga

No one ever "expects" these things to happen, but they do. And if we've never gone through it before, we have absolutely no idea what to expect, so depression and severe anxiety become very serious problems. I'm fighting the likely need for anti-anxiety meds, though I'm hearing from others in a care givers support group that it's definitely something to consider. Our minds go through a gamut of emotions, often including thoughts we never thought could occur. I'm going through the same things you're going through regarding my own mental and physical health. Each of us has to find a way to care for ourselves. There's no cookie cutter answer. But you must take the step, no matter what it is for you.

welcome to our world.

I started using Ashwagandha - it was recommended to me - it calmed me down and allowed me to get a restful sleep, even though I was awakened almost hourly.

Just FYI, I use Gaia but if you google for the best ashwagandha, a list of the 10 best for 2018 will come up.

http://onlinestrength.com/ashwagandha-supplements/

I deal with the same thing. Now just about every time I go to see my dad who has Parkinson's and the beginning stages of dementia, I have nightmares. It leaves me drained and makes me so keyed up.

Yes...I am depressed, angry, my body is manifesting symptoms in different places...and my latest episode last night was that my entire body was itchy. It definitely affects the caretaker...especially if the one we are trying to help is mean and combative. I just started counseling this week. I am going to take care of me before I take care of anyone else.

Yes...you Are not alone.
My 63tr old sister has severe dementia which is quite young.
It's depressing upsetting and a feeling of helplessness often runs through my body mind and soul.
I lay in bed worrying if she s ok..as she lives alone at home with carers going in 3 times a day.
She has started wandering aimlesly in the day, which has added to probs. She has a tracker, but because I'd difference of opinions and conflict with my other sister my mother and her son who are dead set at keeping her at home and locked in with no escape (being investigated by soc servs)...I worry all the more.
I am physically sick!!!!....I have no quality of life as I'm constantly worry about her and trying to see things as she would want them to be.
They have even installed cameras in her bedroom which I feel is an invasion of her privacy....She would hate it if she knew!
I feel you pain xxx
Hugs xxx

Never had a history of elevated blood pressure until a month and a half ago, and although the issue isn’t even with my LO, it has emerged from a caregiving issue with being one of two dueling POAs.
When I called my doctor’s office and told them about my BP, which I take twice a day at home, they got me in within hours, and I was placed on a mild anti depressant/anti anxiety medication which is also an aid to improved sleep (that had occurred months ago.
My BP has now returned to what it was before the whole mess started. The problems are still real; my reaction, after restored sleep and a bit of increased inner peace, is better!

I am overwhelmed as well (caring for my mom). Even though it may sound ridiculous, I didnt expect this. And am anxious & dont know what will happen from day to day.

Yes. My mom went downhill fast after a fall. Then it was one hospitalization and incompetent 5 star Medicare rated nursing home for rehab after another. The last nursing home for rehab was better, but after a year of trauma I took her to my home where she was bedridden. I just couldn't take the hundreds of bumbling people anymore out of which there were maybe 6 competent people.
So many times I would grab my head and say "this can't be happening",...like when an aide dropped mom trying to put her in her wheelchair and caused a broken ankle in the second NH. The worst was the first 5 star rehab that didn't turn her enough and she ended up with a 4 stage wound and UTI that sent her into delirium. None of this happened after I took her home on hospice and we finally found peace, though it took it's toll on me. Lost 20 pounds in no time and suffered a spontaneous retinal detachment. I don't know what I would have done without the wonderful hospice team.
I developed PTS after mom passed away from the 19 months of trauma, would yell at loud noises. Had 2 eye operations. I will never have central vision in that eye again, things blurry when looked at head on. I have put on too much weight. Worst of all, I have lost faith in humanity and don't believe help is out there when you need it. People just don't care and run when they can. I lucked out with the good hospice, but believe that is the exception to the norm. I have anger issues nearly 3 years later. If you have a competent doctor or someone to help please see them. I have to fight this one alone as no one competent around.

Maybe its time for Dad to be in an AL or even a NH? It would be easier to acclimate him now than when he is further into the Dementia. And, it may help with you anxiety for him to be in a safer environment.

I get overwhelmed when too much is going on. Might be a little selfish but unless an emergency, I do it in my time. When my Mom stopped driving we picked a day for shopping and errands. I live in a small town and Mom was about 5 minutes around a big block. I could go to Walgreens on the way to her house when I was out. My disabled nephew everything has to be now. Not when I am doing it for you. I get it when I am out. My husband thinks I should do right then since I am just sitting around. Yes! I am retired! I like to sit in my PJs as long as possible, do when I feel like it. As long as its not an emergency I don't see why I need to be at everyones beck and call. Maybe it stems from, I used to be like that when I was younger. The responsible eldest daughter taking on all the responsibility because no one else here to do it. Hey, I did it with no complaining, I didn't mind. But now, I do because I want to not because I am expected to. You need to set boundries for yourself. There is no shame in taking time for yourself. A day u stay in those PJs and read a good book. Go out to lunch with a friend who makes you laugh. Try not to feel everything should be perfect. Mom was in an AL. It wasn't perfect. There were things I had a right to complain about and others to let go. My biggest thing was I wanted my Mom to at least look good. Aides don't take the time to match. I did Moms laundry so I would match her daily outfits. She had 3 pairs of shoes, blue, black and brown to go with her different colored outfits. I would come in and she'd have brown shoes on with a navy blue outfit. The aides dressed Mom. Even though I sort of learned to except it, it still got to me. Dementia is a journey. There is no rhyme or reason to it. My Mom excepted hers. She had her times but on the whole she was easy to care for. Just remember, this is very confusing and frustrating for them. In the early stages they know something is wrong, Its hard, but try not to take it personally. When it all comes down to its, its what they need not what they want. Our job doesn't mean we need to do all the hands on, its to make sure they are safe, fed and clean. Learn that as one person, you can't do it all.

I would listen to your body. Trying to help our LO's who have dementia can be extremely stressful, scary and exhausting. When I first began that role, I was shocked and frightened. The stress was off the charts. While trying to run my own business, I was trying to be full time caregiver for a person with dementia. I soon realized that I had to get her professional help. Once, I did that, it got much better and I could breath again. However, the stress took a toll on my body and I had multiple physical ailments that imo, were a result of my anxiety. I not only lost over 20 pounds in a short time, but, could not sleep well. It took over a year to recover and get my health back. I'd listen to what your mind and body are saying and try to get help and relief.

Thank you all so very much, I am so blessed to have found this site. I am not alone in this anymore. ( As I am trying to respond Dad is calling over and over again, does not say anything when I answer, just hangs up. Ugh ) but I feel stronger Thank you again

It's hard to stay positive at all times. So please, take your time and don't forget how important your mental health is (for you and your parent).
I helped my husband to care after his ill father, and I felt so bad because of my panic attacks. Seems like I was... afraid of him? I've tried to rationalize this situation, so I could understand what's the source of my fears. And then I felt a bit better.

I can't say that It's a cure, but it may be useful to stop for a moment and think, what troubles you.

i get anxiety too. comes from a lot of different places.
my mom is in assisted living, so I know that makes it easier for sure.

but sometimes she says things that turn my anxiety ON
like her saying: have you meet my daughter? (to the group of ladies we sit with twice a week at lunch time.)
she also tells me. ~there wont be any room at the table~ (I been sitting in the dining room off and on for 8 years - they don't care and always make room for me) She acts like its the first time, every time.
someone asked her: how long have you lived here? answer: 2 years (not. 8)
me: lets go for a short walk. Her: is it cold outside? (no its HOT)
offering me candy at 10am (normally never do that)

my mom cant remember anything. BUT the other day. she looked at me point blank and asked: (stern)Did you tell them not to let me go shopping any more? I did because she wandered outside the store (the activity lady told me - and I stopped the bus shopping 3+ months ago) This made me completely uncomfortable. But I changed the subject easily.

I am getting anxiety just writing

it like a constant 'lie' living in her world. and makes me feel like the twilight zone. I have a hard time looking at her and saying the truth (which may embarrass her) or lying (and making my skin crawl) 

But I just keep going. I just keep faking everything is A-OK
and these are probably going to end up being the "good times" I'll remember someday. because I know it will get much worse.

Yes. I am generally prone to anxiety. My mother does not have dementia but she does have a host of ailments as well as short term memory loss. She doesn't share her ailments well as she has practiced Christian Science for years. Personally I can't stand that religion. She now has to take medication if she wants to continue to live. I believe in medication for depression and anxiety. I also believe in exercise on a somewhat regular basis although during times of extreme stress I am noqt always able to engage in it. I hope you find some solutions for both of you.