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Caring for Mom is wearing me down. Over the last 10 years I got on a good exercise program, changed my eating habits and lost 40 lbs. Two years ago I further altered my diet, cutting out sugar and most carbs. I lost another 10 lbs. I felt great, had more strength and energy than I had in years.


Now I have been tag teaming with my sister, caring for our Mom. Sis lives in the same town as Mom; I live 900 miles away. As Mom continued to decline mentally and physically, I made more frequent and longer trips to be with her. While she has not been diagnosed with dementia (is very good at "show timing" at the doctor's office), she is VERY particular, is angry that I won't move my family to be with her, insists on controlling every aspect of her life, even though her cognitive abilities are rapidly declining. She can't figure out how to balance her checkbook, but refuses to let us do it because she was a bookkeeper. Also has virtually no short term memory and thus believes we are keeping things from her, even though we repeat things over and over. Her food has to be prepared just so or she makes a face or says something disparaging - very passive/aggressive. Her latest obsession is being convinced there are bugs in her food, as we did recently have some fruit flies. Those are all gone now, but her eyes are bad and she now inspects all her food and any dark crumb, seed or flake of parsley she sees as moving and therefore is a bug. Convincing her there are no bugs is just the latest exhausting aspect of her care.


So, not only am I not able to exercise like I used to (Mom cannot be left alone for any length of time), now I find myself eating comfort food, because it it the only thing in my day that makes me feel good. Potatoes, bread, cookies, candy, pasta - all the things I had eliminated from my diet. I am gaining weight, getting depressed and angry with myself for not having more discipline. Is anyone else experiencing this? How can I regain that discipline and positive outlook I used to have?

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Yesterday I ran out of clean pants so I pulled an old pair of jeans from the bottom of the drawer... I. could. not. get. them. on. My weight gain has been subtle enough that I could mostly ignore it, but the proof was undeniable. I wrote in another thread that food was the only sensual pleasure I had left and I would not give it up, emotional eating was my lifeline. It will soon be a year since mom has been in the nursing home but the patterns I established during the years I cared for her have been very difficult to break. I'm trying to be more mindful of what I eat, but the combination of having gone through menopause, the protests from my aging body when I exercise, the void in my life that I still haven't found a way to fill since I'm no longer a full time caregiver plus the little voice in my head that tells me living to a ripe old age isn't all it's cracked up to be make it hard.
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The biggest mistake we made was moving my mother-in-law across the street from a Dairy Queen. After dealing with her, a chocolate shake looks so good!

Don't beat yourself up but don't let stress undo all your good work.
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When I stayed with my mother for 8 days when she was nearly helpless due to muscle strains, I hoarded cookies in my room. Definite comfort eating from the stress of dealing with her constant obsessive-compulsive demands.

Even being around her for a couple of hours, which is what it is most of the time as I taxi her around, causes a craving for junk food.
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Erica, I'm a number of years older than you are, but please consider this: I attributed my fatigue and weight gain to taking care of Dad and the stress that went with it, along with my age. Finally, there were other symptoms I couldn't shrug off, and so I had my thyroid checked. My tsh was more than 10 times what it should have been. If in doubt, please get yours checked.
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Sister, I can totally relate and I am glad you wrote. I use to work out everyday, did not eat junk, and took care of myself. Since my Mom moved in I have found delight in soda, and chocolate. I am fighting weight gain and depressed also that I cannot seem to find my discipline I once had. I do not work out anymore and just fell awful.
I wish you the best as this is a struggle.
Maybe we can be accountable to one another and challenge each other and get back on track. It is quite difficult and I do totally feel you woe. I have been really trying to get myself back in that area. (big hug)
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Right now there’s no way you can get a healthy routine going again because your mother runs the show. Perhaps you should just concentrate on doing the least damage to yourself as possible. Even isometric exercises can help, keep your muscles toned. Be aware of your cravings and hunger and postpone eating a goody ‘until later’ and that will minimize calories. This works for me. I am disabled and so exercise is very limited for me and so I use my postpone method to actually lose weight while being unable to walk more than 10-15 steps without resting.

My parents both have dementia but being around them makes my stomach hurt and sometimes I vomit after just a telephone call. I can’t sleep when I’m with them and from being forced to wait on them I’m in agony (severe back problems) so that moderates my weight. My dad’s the worst, he tries to run me and my daughter like sled dogs.

Yes, I live 160 miles away from them and it’ll stay that way. At home I take care of myself and concentrate on my wellbeing! My husband is a saint and we have a happy home!
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Hubs and I both put on a lot of weight due to having my mom live with us for 4 years. She is very difficult like your mom. Finally about this time last year her dementia delusions got her angry enough that she wanted to move out. Her primary and neuropsychologist both said to do it. They could see the amount of stress I was under and knew that we could care for her physically but the emotional manipulation, fear and obligation was causing us to comfort eat. We had her assessed for Memory Care AL and her LTC ins approved the move. It took about 6 mos before we felt like our heads were above water. In Nov we decided to get serious on a Keto/low carb diet. NO sugar, root veggies, grains but lots of healthy fats, above ground veggies, meats, avocados and berries. He has lost 35 and I have lost 15. We are "walking" our house on a timer for 20 min at a time and hitting the stairs as a beginning exercise regimen. We are feeling better and are back in our usual clothes. It is so hard to lose weight but we actually are doing it. It has taken us getting to our heaviest weights ever to do it but his HBP and my Insulin resistance put us at risk for a stroke or diabetes. He was able to cut back on BP meds and I see my primary this week for labs to see if my A1C is lower. I wish you well Sister45. You can do it!
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Sister, I’m right there with you. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the last 3-4 months since my mom has had a serious spiral downward. The o e thing I have noticed lately is how freaking tired I am, and I’m 34! I’m vowing to slowly work the gym back into my routine with even walking and meal prepping ahead of time. It’s hard don’t get me wrong, but I want to ring in my 35th Birthday feeling better than I am now. I feel like I’m aging faster ever and it is what I am doing to myself. We also know that to take care of others we need to take care of ourselves. Going for a walk or some gym time with allow us to release the stresses of dealing with caring for others. Good luck! Try to get ahold of this before you run yourself down
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I'm in a similar boat and struggling to figure out how to carve time out for myself to exercise.

I lost 80 lbs 15 years ago doing low carb. I successfully maintained that loss until 2 years ago, when the caregiving/cancer/dementia circus rolled into town. I've put back on 25 lbs, and it's due to my lack of discipline with food and lack of time to exercise. Being home only 2.5 weeks a month is its own stressor and the time suck dealing with everyone has killed any motivation to exercise or prepare proper meals. This perimenopause stuff isn't helping.

I'm mostly back on plan for eating, and have lost 3 lbs, but I have to figure out a way to do better when I'm at my mother in law's or my father's place, and get exercise back into the picture. It helps with stress. The eating is hard at both parents' places, but I could make better choices. I could acknowledge the depression, as well.

I don't have any answer for myself or others, but I feel your struggle and I'm sending you good thoughts as you find a way to get back to taking care of you.

Best wishes...
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All. The. Time.

Food has always been my crisis go-to and my happy go-to. The decline of my stepdad and mom sent that into overdrive.

Once the caregiving started, the only way I could participate in my home life like someone who actually lives there was to cancel my gym time and running time.

I couldn’t cancel my full-time+ job. Couldn’t cancel the hideous commute that goes with it. Couldn’t cancel being an only child while my parents became increasingly dependent on my assistance.

But I could cancel taking care of myself.

I didn’t gain a ton of weight. But I’m heavier than I was 5 years ago. For sure.

And SO out of shape. Went from excellent physical condition to soft and weak. Need to fix that — regarded of a number on the scale.

It’s all behind me now. No excuse for the inertia. But I have become super-selfish about “me time.” And I freely admit, a bit of it employs my knack for sitting slack-jawed as I stare into space.

Funny. The past several years have illustrated how important it is to have physical vigor. And how much life sucks when someone no longer has that.

At the same time, I cringe at the thought of resuming my old Forrest Gump routine. Did I really run half-marathons in my 40s? Was that me?? Oh yes it was.

How about flogging a machine at the gym? Something I once had a gift for. Meh.

Trying to find my way. And not eat too much!
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