My 90 LO with dementia has always been quick to say negative things about people, but it is rapidly becoming more challenging to redirect him to the positive. Additionally, he is confabulating (imagining untrue experiences ) more and I'm having a very tough time getting around his negativity. It is especially tricky when he is says untrue things about my husband (for example, he insists my husband calls him names when I'm out of earshot, or my husband had a garden party with lots of guests and didn't invite him ). A few months ago he became very upset and started yelling at me after he cleared clothing from his closet for donation. Some of the clothes were from the local thrift store that my dad used to visit daily. He'd been hoarding coats and shirts and didn't remember buying them. He was upset because he said my husband should have helped him clean the closet because the clothes were from my husband's parents. My in-laws did live in the same home more than 15 years ago but that is where any truth ends. When I pointed out that the clothes were all in his size and showed him a label from a men's store in another city+state where my dad used to live, he yelled more, stating that I was just trying to protect my husband. I handled the closet incident by saying I was sorry that he had to do all that work himself and that if he'd let me know when he needs help, I'd be happy to help out and that calmed him down. Usually I'm just winging it and trying to stay calm and keep him calm but I'm running out of effective things to say. I've read that it's good to change the subject, or even to "play along" with the confabulations, but I fear that might just reinforce his imagination, especially when he is insistent that my husband or a neighbor is doing something "against him". I can't begin to think how I'd "play along" with the negativity unless someone has some creative ideas or phrases? I'm pretty sure my dad is afraid I'm going to "abandon him" (the armchair psychiatrist in me thinks he has some lifelong traits of borderline personality disorder- especially the fear of abandonment part) and that may be where some of this is coming from, but how do I make it clear that my husband's frequent participation is not negotiable? Thanks so much for reading!
Remember that your LO is declining, his confabulation will morph into other behaviors. It is amazing what the human brain will latch onto as truth and with dementia, there appears to be little doubt in the mind of the demented that they are 100% correct.
“Usually I'm just winging it and trying to stay calm and keep him calm but I'm running out of effective things to say. I've read that it's good to change the subject, or even to "play along" with the confabulations…”
“running out of effective things to say” Another important aspect of dementia is that your LO doesn’t mind, isn’t bothered by, you saying the same thing over and over. When you are searching for new or different things to say, you are forgetting that his brain is not receptive to anything but validation of his thoughts or perhaps a complete change of topic. Take what he says and spin it. “Look what your husband did!” ‘Oh, I’m so sorry dad, here, let me help you with that”.
Sometimes I think acting classes are in order for caregivers of those with dementia.
Thank you!
The forum linked below is a good resource too.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151
The reality is the way it is in the mind of dementia so noting you say or do will change that. And it can change in a moment.
Ignore what you can.
Calm what you can when you can.
Walk out of the room and leave him for a bit if you can not settle him down.
Go with the flow with what you can not ignore.
And if it gets to the point where it is truly disrupting your life, your husbands life you should consider placing him in Memory Care. Yes it it a tough decision. But if it gets to the point where you LO gets so upset that he risks hurting himself or someone else the safest option is to place him. And placing him where he will be safe is NOT abandoning him.