Sadly, you are in the crux of the "reliable adult child/golden lazy child" syndrome. I know it well. I do most of the caregiving for my mom and my sister only takes from her. She is clearly the favorite for reasons I will never understand. So, my advice is, don't try to understand it. Just accept it as your reality and act accordingly. If your brother can help, tell him you need it. Don't bear this burden alone. If he won't help, set limits. If not, you are going to crash and burn out very fast. Does anyone else have availability to help your mom? I know from experience that it is a no-win game when you have to totally bear this burden. Godspeed and good luck.
Does Mom have Dementia? If so, this is why she acts the way she does. The tables have turned, you are now the adult and her the child. And as such you are now the person in authority. And what does a child to in this situation, rebel. Also with Dementia their reality is all messed up. TV and dreams become part of their reality. So Mom could see something on TV that she thinks happened in real life. Its really hard because you so much want to tell her she is wrong but you just need to go with the flow.
Mom had 4 kids. Me the oldest, a sister, brother#1(golden child) and brother #2. She got to the point she never mentioned my sister or brother #2. It was like she had only 2 children, me and brother#2. She kept telling me I needed to call him. Not for her, for me. Told her not really and she would get mad. Have no idea why she felt this way. There is a 10 1/2 year difference. Not that I don't love him, just nothing common. My oldest was out if school when he had his first. So I'll kids are soaced far apart.
I would tell her the next time she says you should be more like your brother. "I have been thinking about this and mom you are so right, I am going to be just like my brother. So, what is your plan for care? Because I am going to be just like my brother and I will no longer be caring for you. I am giving you my 2 week notice and I am off."
I get so tired of parents comparing their children and always passing judgment on the one that helps the most. They sure have trained their children well so they stick around and take the abuse. I would be gone as a caregiver and maybe even as a daughter if the abuse didn't stop.
Me, too. isthirealyreal. So many caregivers put up with this treatment, and I can't understand why, other than that they have been trained so well by the elder. It always irritates me to read when the "golden child" gets away with doing nothing.
It's a tough thing to do deal with. Based on your post about why she says she is upset, I'd wonder if there is something going on with her. If she recalls an event that bothers her, but, you nor your brother recall it......I'd wonder if it really happened or is a delusion. Maybe, she has a false memory. If that's the case, it's unlikely you will convince her otherwise. Has she always been this way or is it something new? Her continuing anger would bother me a lot and would likely be something I wouldn't tolerate while caring for someone. Maybe, she needs a good physical exam and medication.
I have a similar situation with my mother. She's not really angry, but, sharp and dismissive. She favors the baby boy in the family ad it's so over the top that it's embarrassing. I've had my feelings hurt so many times. I've decided to just do my best to ignore it. I can't change a person who is up in age and stubborn. She's always been this way, though. I've learned to seek support, kindness and approval from reasonable people who don't play favorites. My dad is pretty good about it. He's more fair, as are all other family members.
Vannesa, you mention you are taking care of both parents. What does that involve? Do you live with them? Do they live with you? What are their ages and health conditions, and what are you plans as they continue to decline?
Do you have POA or HCPOA? I hope you haven't given up a job to take care them, thus putting your own finances (and financial future) at risk!
This is normal at any age. Think of being a child. You always resent and dismiss the opinion of your parent while your Aunt is your best friend. She isn't asking anything of you, suggesting anything to you. With the Aunt you are a free agent and respected in every way. There isn't much of a way to deal with this; there is only "understanding it". When she goes on about how wonderful the brother is just respond with an enthusiastic "ISN'T he. He is MARVELOUS." Attempt not to upchuck while saying this. When she says "You should be like your brother" tell her that you KNOW you should be just like him, and you are going to try to be like him with everything you have, but you aren't certain you are CAPABLE of being like him. Try not to upchuck. Good luck!
Thanks...it's just hard w/ my mom. She just told me she resents me for an event that occurred towards my brother over 25 yrs ago that I wasn't aware of nor does my brother remember. My brother refuse to help me talk to my mom to calm her anger towards me. He doesn't like conflict and doesn't want to help care for my parents.
Mom had 4 kids. Me the oldest, a sister, brother#1(golden child) and brother #2. She got to the point she never mentioned my sister or brother #2. It was like she had only 2 children, me and brother#2. She kept telling me I needed to call him. Not for her, for me. Told her not really and she would get mad. Have no idea why she felt this way. There is a 10 1/2 year difference. Not that I don't love him, just nothing common. My oldest was out if school when he had his first. So I'll kids are soaced far apart.
I get so tired of parents comparing their children and always passing judgment on the one that helps the most. They sure have trained their children well so they stick around and take the abuse. I would be gone as a caregiver and maybe even as a daughter if the abuse didn't stop.
I have a similar situation with my mother. She's not really angry, but, sharp and dismissive. She favors the baby boy in the family ad it's so over the top that it's embarrassing. I've had my feelings hurt so many times. I've decided to just do my best to ignore it. I can't change a person who is up in age and stubborn. She's always been this way, though. I've learned to seek support, kindness and approval from reasonable people who don't play favorites. My dad is pretty good about it. He's more fair, as are all other family members.
Do you have POA or HCPOA? I hope you haven't given up a job to take care them, thus putting your own finances (and financial future) at risk!