Any tips for getting over resentment?

Are you sure you should be trying to 'get over the resentment'?

I can't see how it isn't just going to grow, you being only human. Your promise to your mother has turned into giving up your job (what are you to live on?) and separating from your husband (what about your promise to him on marriage?); and if your father has mild dementia then you have a long, long road ahead - God willing.

So I think you need to look again at that promise and see if it can't be kept through a far more practical interpretation. You didn't promise your mother that you would screw yourself financially and ditch your husband. You did promise her that you would care for your father. That means finding the best support possible for him, and the best support can't come from someone who is justifiably furious with him and with the situation she finds herself trapped in.

There are other options which will be better for everyone and still keep faith. I should start looking if I were you.

It is very stressful to care for a person who has dementia. Their behavior, through no fault of their own, can be very exasperating. Unless, you are able to take breaks and get respite time, you will likely become overwhelmed and suffer from it. If you feel that you can't do it without lashing out at him, then, I'd explore other options for his care. Not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver in the home. You can be caregiver in a number of ways. Some caregivers bring in outside help into the home to care for the LO. Others, have the LO placed in a facility that meets their needs. We do the best we can, so, I wouldn't beat myself up over that promise. Caretaking comes in many forms. I'd try to stop the cycle of trying to correct him. It won't work and will only make you feel worse. Repeating, non-stop talking, lack of logic are symptoms of his illness. It's not his fault. I'd read a lot about dementia and see if that will provide more insight as to what is happening in the brain. There are also some good videos on You Tube by Teepa Snow.

I would explore the consequences of leaving the work force. I don't know your age, but, if you are out without building your career, earning retirement, etc. I'd check to see how that effects you in the long run.

I agree with CountryMouse - you need to research other options that don't involve you giving up your life so your father can continue his life unchanged. What's your long-term plan? Your mom passed away and you've stepped into the immediate breach, which is admirable. But now you've got to figure out the next five years, or ten years. Dad will need increasing care with just about any kind of dementia. It's time to consider getting him into a facility near you where you can resume your life with your husband and your job and support your father's care without totally burning down your own life.

Don't look to dad to agree or understand - this is where you have to assume the adult role to care for dad. I hope you have POA for him for both healthcare and property?

I am in the same type of situation. I promised I wouldn't put my mom in a facility if she didn't want to go. What a mistake. She is 99 and has dementia. I left a job and boyfriend of 6 years. I've finally got a in home care facility coming in so I can get away and return to sanity. I've learned through this site that promises made can be reversed. So get some help. I still haven't figured out how I'll get back to my home and my love.

I commend you for your dedication to your family. We reach a crossroad and have to decide which way is best. There is no "good" choice, only the least worst. Both of my parents unexpectedly spiraled downward too young and I have had to set my boundaries on what I will and will not give up. Job/career, husband/house/home life are off limits in my world.

Under no circumstances should the adult child abandon the life they've built to care (long term) for a parent. You will need a game plan in case this goes on for another decade. If it does, the life you have built is gone and your own future will be much different than what you planned for yourself.

I don't think our parents' younger selves would have ever dreamed of asking us to give up our lives for them.

Your feelings are normal. I am facing, after caring for my Mom for 17 years and then 24/7 bedridden for her last 2 years, now my MIL who will not leave her house for assisted living or getting a bath aide or someone to come in. She says "that is what family is for". Ironically when I am old no one will be there for me. We have no kids and hubby's family not attentive, they seem to be trying for the strong ones, (us), to help them all the time. My extended family is oversees. "Friends" who are done taking care of their parents in a lesser capacity keep bragging at us about their great new life. This does build resentment. I can only suggest getting some outside help, if possible, to give yourself a break. At some point, like with my MIL someday, there may be no other solution other than a facility, assisted living or memory care. I hope you find a balance and a solution that gives you peace.

Your promise to care for your dad can be in ways other than leaving your husband and job. As noble as you may have felt that was in the beginning, it really is not a good long term solution. So what you do now that you’ve realized "hey...this isn’t what I signed up for!" Is go to plan B and modify it. Resentment is not a healthy emotion and recognition of it is good. Believe me we’ve all felt it but to wallow in it long term will cause you psychological damage.

You need to help find care for him in other ways and that still maintains the integrity of your promise. Moving him to a AL facility if it’s in his budget would be the first step. They can manage his meds, and other needs. Provide him with a safe environment, socialization and good meals.

Learning how to respond to someone with dementia takes a lot of know how and patience. The book I recently read really helped me with that skill. I’ve recommended it on here before and will continue to as it gave me much peace. Called Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz. It’s a thin book and on Amazon.
Realize you have options and make a plan. Get back to your marriage and career for the sake of your retirement. Let us know how it goes.

Why would you leave your job? I certainly understand taking some time to find some care for Dad or place him in AL but to actually give up your ability to support yourself makes no sense. What will be the long term effects on your financial future and on your relationship with your husband?

I do sympathize with your frustration over listening to the prattle. My father does the same thing and I do call him out on it. They seem to think we are children and believe their word as gospel and are very shocked to find out that is not the case.

I suggest you stay only long enough to figure out a care plan that does not involve you 24/7 then get back to your life before it is too late.

What Countrymouse said. I couldn't have worded it better.

I do understand your feelings completely, as I was starting having some resentment too, and feeling terrible because of it; in my case it was indeed a matter of accepting a new role, and that my life had changed.

My current care is 2 hours a day, though. I'm prepared to do more, but I'm not prepared to give up to my whole life. I would definitely feel extremely resentful.
As Countrymouse said, that is a pretty healthy reaction. And if we are burned out and unhappy I don't think we can really help anybody.

Lots of my efforts in caring for my mother are directed in planning, granting and organizing and keeping as much of external help as I can, for my self, and for her.
I really think this IS part of caring.

I hope you'll get some help soon Beth.
With warmest wishes

Regarding your father if he is acting irrational or selfish then you you need to counter it with out to not let your self be taken advantage of and you need to tell him so if he continues then you need to consider putting him in a nursing home and you can return to your job. My advices if I parent is considerate of you, then you should care for them and make their life as comfortable as possible in the end when they die you will have no regrets, then you can return to your career you only have one parent but you can have another job I did this for my mother and I don't really have any regrets or feelings of guilt for taking off

Salguod, I understand what you are saying and see what you mean but I don't share it completely.

* Dementia makes people irrational and selfish. This doesn't mean they ARE irrational or selfish, or that they have been so all their lives. It doesn't mean they need less care.

* we can decide to care for irrational and selfish people, even without dementia, out of simple compassion.

* my mother is considerate, respectful and loving. Still, I'm not prepared to give up my life completely and wait for her to die to live again, and I don't think she would want that either.

Where do you draw the line?
My (personal) answer is that I don't think that giving up your life completely is an option, regardless. We can decide to care in any circumstance and give our very best without sacrificing our entire life.

You may want to consider praying for a servant's heart to go alongside your actually being a servant..It is not easy.. You are doing a wonderful service. Dad cannot help being as he is, seeing as he has dementia...

God bless you,

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Upstream said it all: "under no circumstances should the adult child abandon the life they've built. . ." That statement is liberating! Caregiving comes in many forms. If possible, it's better to do it on your own terms and keep your mental health. There are times in life when sacrificial love is all you can manage to give. On some days, just doing my mom's laundry, paying her bills. and answering her questions 50 times is enough. I don't always have it in me to do that with joy in my heart. I just hope medical science (or big pharma), finds a way to keep dementia at bay for me someday.

Hi Beth 1104,
While I agree with countrymoise et al I also want to address the feeling of resent you are so struggling with. Because as long as that toxic feeling has you in its grip it will make it more difficult to implement the healthy changes offered here. I have found that the first step in releasing resentment is, believe it or not....acceptance of what is. I don’t mean passive acceptance. I mean courageous acceptance of what IS. I have at times repeated the “serenity prayer “ over and over. The key is not just “accept the things I cannot change”..but also “the courage to change the things I can”. As you begin to do small things for yourself the resentment will slowly slowly ease. You will begin to have “the wisdom to know the difference”.
You may discover that you can keep the promise to your mom without giving up your whole life. Remember, in an airplane we’re told to put on our air mask before helping the other person. If you can’t breath due to so much sacrifice, you can’t really take care of your dad. Resentment will win.
Sending you supportive thoughts and prayers. You can definitely keep your promise and not give up your life.

I don’t have any advice beyond the great ideas posted but want to confirm you are not alone. I just finished getting my mother through heart surgery (pericardial window) and delivered her home last night. I spent 8 hours a day with her, away from my husband and two teens, and missed many important things in their lives. I grew resentful during Just this one week process and know that for future issues I have to limit my time and get help for her. My thoughts are with you and hope you find the right balance for your sanity. Your life is important!
Hugs!

You should feel resentful. I agree with Countrymouse and another commenter who advised you to rethink leaving your husband and job. You don't owe that to your dad. Your resentment is your body and mind telling that it's not fair for you to pay this exorbitant price. Please take good care of yourself.

I moved in with my mother 7 years ago certain that the end was near, after all she had been in fragile health for over 20 years. Today she is 98 - unimaginable! - and has been in a nursing home for the last six months. Despite my previously good relationship with her I found myself feeling angry and resentful, I reached a point where I actually hated her. I finally admitted this not fair to either one of us, these were not the final memories I wanted. Admitting I had "failed" was brutal, handing over control to outsiders was incredibly difficult, but today the black cloud that hung between my mother and I is gone and I can once again feel love for her. Sometimes there are no perfect choices, life mocks our plans and good intentions and we just have to accept that we are not as indispensable as we imagine ourselves to be.

In my case I resent the fact that my whole life revolves around the fact that my husband thinks he must go see his mother every day. We live only 10 miles away but still it takes over his whole life. She is in a nursing home, is 98 years old and has mild dementia. Otherwise she is healthy. She broke her hip a year and a half ago. She would not cooperate with rehab so now she can't walk. She eats like a horse and has gained a lot of weight. My sisters no I looked after our mom in her home for 8 years, but I still maintained my home, worked at a part time job and went on vacations with my husband. I spent he night at my moms house two or nights a week, but still arranged to go with him to places he wanted and needed me to go with him. Now that it's his mom he thinks he has to go every day and wants me to go with him because shecalways wants to know where I am and says she needs me to donsomething for her--she doesn't. He has a brother living here, too, and he goes every day also, but just in and out for a short while. His wife is not well so he has to see about her. Their sister died last year so I think my husband feels bad if he isn't there for his mom every day. I'm very tired of the whole situation. We have been on two week-end trips since she has been in the nursing home. One for our 50th anniversary, but now we don't go anywhere and he plans his daybon going to stayvwith her for a while. I have quit going except for about three days a week. But it doesn't matter because we still do not take trips or anything I know it's selfish, but I did not work my whole life to let her ruin our retirement years. She has always been good at putting guilt trips on her kids. Needless to say it's causing tension between my husband and me.

Oh honey when it’s all said and done you will feel you did the right thing for taking care of him. Believe me. My sister put my father into a home behind my back. She’s POA. I didn’t want it he didn’t want. But she wouldn’t let me care for him. She didn’t have to do anything. I to quit my job in hopes I would take care of him. Which is his wishes to be home. Now he sits in that place does nothing is with people that can’t talk and he does nothing but want to come home. Breaks my heart doesn’t bother my sister a bit. I only can visit twice a week
For one short hour. Then they ask me to leave. My sister is going to face her Karma one day!!

Don’t give up your job or your life you have worked hard to build. Trust me, the resentment is going to build and fester. I have been doing this for six years without any help from family. My mom is in skilled nursing home now, it is very difficult, And feel I must always be there to check on her and see her. It’s that guilt thing! Most of us are not equipped to handle or deal with a person who has Alzheimer’s or dementia. We tried because we love our parents and think that’s what’s best. I know now it is not, and you have to leave it to the professionals. Don’t let caring for your dad take years off of your life. Maybe take a leave of absence from work , Figure out what to do about your dad get him in Home help, move him into assisted living. We here are all dealing with this every day and have for sometime, so listen to the advice that everyone is giving you please.

I can only echo those above who have recommend assisted living for your father. The care you promised to your mother you'd provide to your father takes many forms, one of them quitting everything you have to care for him--that's one form that's not fair to you or to him. If his only ailment is mild dementia, he could easily be around for 10+ years!

You can keep your promise to your mother by caring for your dad as you keep him entertained, help his mind stay sharp, and medically cared for in an assisted living home.

Someone told me to think of my Dad as a person I know, instead of my Dad. It helped take a lot of the emotion out of the situation for me. It was eating me up from the inside out, before I took this advice. It may sound silly, but changing my point of view helped me deal with things better.

First, I'm a believer in speaking the truth - and most likely, by 'tomorrow' your dad doesn't remember anyway.

I see you promised your mother you'd take care of dad - but that didn't necessarily mean you had to quit your job or live with him. There are many ways to care for someone without losing yourself in the process. I am not trained in that area but Assisted Living comes to mind.

When I put a trailer in my front yard for my dad to live in, that was my way of 'assisted living' for him. But I didn't move in with him, I assisted him. He too had been widowed. I was very careful not to make any deathbed promises with Mom, but I did tell her (she was already in a coma) that I would see to it that Dad was ok. I kept my 'word' for 7.5 years and never regretted a moment of it. I got to know my dad in a way that I never could while growing up. But I was already "retired" and at home taking care of an aging hubby - DH is older than my parents were. He was 2 years older than Pop.

I am not going to ask your religion - but I get a lot of comfort from "give it to God" - and AA says to "give it to your higher power."

I don't think your mother meant she wanted you to turn your own life upside down in order to care for your father. There must be a happy medium that doesn't require leaving your husband, your home and your livelihood as that would go way beyond the call of duty.

Is there any way Dad could live with you? Is your home close enough to his that you could have in home health care or place him in an AL as others have suggested? You might look into what Medicare will pay on this. We had a similar situation in our family where my husband's mother had too much money coming in every month to qualify and with the aid of an attorney and the laws changing in January 2015, my husband was able to get Medicare to pick up the cost.

That said, I do not believe there is any "getting over the resentment" this has caused as it is apparent your life is in a tailspin with the decisions that have been made so far. It is actually a set up for you and some major depression along with all this resentment.

Do you have siblings that could help ease the burden? I know it most families there is always that one adult child that all the responsibility seems to fall on. I'm the one in my family & my husband was the one in his family that the our siblings were and min my case are totally okay with assuming the "duties".

I wish you well with whatever you choose to do, but remember you need to take care of you first.

For me, speaking up about the issues that are causing my resentment make me feel better. I ruminate on the issue in my mind until I come up with a compromise, asking family members what they think too. Then I discuss the issue with the parents.

I’ll let you know how this goes after I do it. Usually the reaction from my father is anger and mind games. So I have a Plan B to counter with....

But at least I spoke up....

Whatever you do - try not to be too hard on yourself. But it's hard. How is your Dad's health otherwise? Because if he's in fairly good shape - he could live a very long time. I don't think it would be fair to you, or your husband to give up your life! You can assist but you should probably look into other options or get ready for major burnout! It can hit you like a freight train and if you are like me - your mind will think things are totally out of character. You might even need counseling to find an outlet to vent. This site is great and has helped me through some dark days. I refuse to give up my job. My mother is 91 - has moved back in with me again. I'm single and refuse to live at the poverty level while both of my brothers have much more material wise than I do. Do they come around much...nope. Hardly ever. She and I have already had "our moments" when she is being totally narcissistic and unreasonable. I usually leave or meet up with a friend. My job is my outlet to be able to talk to people my age and keeps my mind engaged. I'm not sure what is down the road but home health care will have to be an option and "Drive a Senior", which is a free service. I'm taking it day by day. Right now things are fine but that can change on a dime. Good luck to you!

You don't say in this post how old you are, but it makes a big difference. I was 50 when my mother fell ill enough that she could no longer live at home and I became Durable Power of Attorney. I had it way better than most in terms of Mom's acceptance of her situation. But I was single, and I was terrified that if I lost my job because I couldn't put in the work or the hours (and this was before Virtual Private Networks really caught on), that I would never get another job. Fortunately that did not happen. Fast forward about a decade and my husband almost dies from a massive stroke. Months later, when he can return home, he is disabled. I am his DPOA and Health Care Proxy. My (fantastic) employer helped me do everything possible and more under Family Leave law to stay working as long as possible before we had to part ways. I was very lucky that I got to work until very close to full retirement age in terms of Social Security eligibility. Most people are not so fortunate. Life in this country has become a combination of lottery and chessboard. Life gives you the luck of the draw in terms of what happens to you, and what square you can get to on the chessboard when that happens determines your fate.

Educate yourself on Dementia and who said its "mild". A lot of your frustration is treating him with a "normal" mentality. Once you understand the disease you will have to learn to get a grip and change your mindset. My mother is bipolar. You made a choice to leave your job. Your promise to your Mother was something you told a dying woman to calm her. Get your father's affairs in order. POA, rent or sell the house, check out care facilities. Your resentment cannot make you a good caregiver so decide. Own your choice to leave your career and tend to your father or place him in a nursing home and resume your career. It's just that easy.

I was a paralegal in Chicago for 25 years. My mother needed open heart surgery and I knew the recovery period would be extreme so I quit and stayed home full time. She then could no longer walk and was bedridden but we worked a system she uses a portable commode. Once my funds were depleted I gave blood at the blood bank and enrolled for food stamps for 2 years. Then our state began a Medicaid waiver program where I am paid a stipend to tend to her at home. My point is I saw my choice through and was rewarded. Remove the negativity and see where this chapter in your life leads.

Texasgal, you sound strong and resilient. Tell me, though...does your mother consider your do-nothing brothers as golden boys? Because you are the daughter, is that why she is living with you now? Does she pay you in any way?