Any tips for getting over resentment?

I think all this advice about setting your parent straight about what will and will not be tolerated is useless when dealing with dementia as no one is considering that the behavior is not a choice. The parent is not behaving in such a manner, the dementia is. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. If a person isn’t, they should just accept that and take steps to make other arrangements, because believe me, it’s going to get MUCH worse before it gets better. And it doesn’t get better until the person has passed, to be blunt. So if you can’t handle it when it’s a case of mild dementia, that’s OK, but don’t think it’s somehow going to get easier or better down the road. Get out now, before you’ve destroyed your own life beyond repair. I gave up my life for my Mom and have no regrets, would do so again in a heartbeat. I had been a co-caregiver before and knew what I was getting into. But that’s me. It’s a life changing decision and I continue to be impacted (and I think always will) by what she and I went through together. It was sad, hard, loving, beautiful, awful, wonderful, terrible, memorable and I wish I could forget it, all at the same time. You better be really sure about your decision before you continue blowing up your marriage, your career, your life and possibly make your dad worse by fighting and arguing with him.

I’m trying to be very honest, not mean. My journey is over after living in the same room with Mom for 7 years.

After a year, I’m beginning to find out who I am again and without her at 60, but I still try to call my Mom every day to tell her about something that happens. Post-caregiving is not easy either. My life is still in storage. I’m living with relatives. Who knows when I’ll be able to live on my own again.

I hope this honesty will help you decide what is best for you AND for your dad. Like I said, personally, I would do it all again for my Mom ~ but not for anyone else!

My spouse and I both left our jobs and our home behind to care for my father in his final few months of life. We live about 900 miles from our original support system. My father made my spouse promise to take care of my mother. She and I get along like fire and gasoline, and I believe she has developed at least mild cognitive impairment.
We don’t live in her house any more, but we are nearby. We borrowed from our retirement to do it. I still feel an enormous amount of bitterness and grief over what we’ve lost, but I’m not running at full boil any more.

Would you be able to restart your career? Try steadfastly towards that goal and the rest will work itself out. Good luck!

Beth I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Glad your employer is helping you and your husband. I lost my dad last year. He had dementia. I didn't resent taking care of my dad but resented my siblings who not there. I wish I had hired more people to help with my dad's care. When you have feel ready you should see about grief support. I am in grief support at my local hospital. I don't much resentment towards my siblings now. It does take a village and more to care for our elderly. 

Beth I am very pleased for you that your husband is supporting you in this journey. I had a lot of resentment with my dad, seemed as if we argued every time we talked, one day I just lost it and told him everything that I was going through, I was feeling like my salvation was at stake because I couldn't get past it. Well, after laying it all out to him in a very unpleasant confrontation, I did make it clear that I loved him and want to help him anyway I can, we are now moving forward with a better understanding of the limitations each of us has. It was very ugly and very hard yet it was very therapeutic and I no longer have resentment towards him, which I believe is your ultimate goal. Search your heart and The Lord will lead you right where you need to be, right when you need to be there.

The comments I've read are excellent advice. It's time to re-assess your responsibility to self and your immediate family -- that is, you and your husband. If you do not have a POA, then you must get one, even if it is on condition for your further care. You may need to move back with your husband if Dad refuses -- you need some control here of the situation. Look at your financial situation and your father's and make sure that you are looking out for you longterm needs. Because, remember, you can't help another loved one if you don't have your own lifebelt on.

Look for the Area on Aging office nearby, if you can, or an organization like "A Place for Mom" to find a place for your Dad. I do hope that you can work these things out, and, believe me, I need to take some of my own advice. I am taking care of my mom, who is 94, but she is in assisted living -- and, even then, we go there almost every day. But, then again, I do have the POA and Health Care Rep -- and we were able to get mom benefits from the VA.

Good luck to you, and may the Light of Love guide you in difficult times.

Beth, so glad you came back. It is good to hear that you can still work. What a jewel of a husband you have!! As this has eased things some, watch for those signs that it really is time to place him!!! I applaud your efforts and your candor in knowing that resentment was building. JUST make sure you do not sacrifice your marriage!! We, as women, and as caregivers can be highly tuned to the needs of others. God grant you the wisdom to know when it is time!! God Bless and Merry Christmas!

To leave your husband I feel is wrong! The "need to talk non-stop" has sent me running to the other end of the house many times "silent screaming". Fortunately this is not a constant thing, but some days it is worse than others. If he is unable to leave the house, that could be where the problem arises; housebound people are dying to talk! Talk to a counselor familiar with home health care.

These comments reflect the stagnation of our Federal Government who have no humanitarian responsibility to even conference on this subject. We planned joint living in an assisted environment, patient, caregiver, and in house nursing that were designed many years ago in contemplation of exactly what this issue is about. We were laughed out of the bank and of course Medicare does not care as they have protocols that are out of step with needs. The dementia industry lacks a definitive organization with an approach and I doubt whether this problem will ever be addressed or resolved so those involved, unfortunately, have no recourse but to do the best they can.

Care4123 again, just moved my mom to AL 7 weeks ago and it was the best thing, prior to the move she didn't like the idea but now she loves it already, there are peers for her to communicate with! And with the dementia, all the stories that they repeat are new for them and the ones they are telling every day! I now go 2-3 times a week and it has helped me also, just make sure that you give explicit instructions to each one of the caregivers that are on every shift yourself! Then there is no communication problems of your wishes. I hope that you research and go forward with your options.

Beth I'm not the best person to know of dementia but what it sounds like is he's not your father is not in his right mind at the at the moment he probably hasn't been there for a while and he he's snapping out at you because you're there and he knows it deep down he knows it he can get your goat basically he can get a reaction from you and instead of you lashing out at your dad look at him say "Dad I love you".
And give him a hug because it seems to me that he's remembering different things long ago and a lot of people will cut down their wife when they're not in their right mind and it also sounds like in order when you go, have somebody from hospice come in and give you a break so then you can go be with your husband, and you know that there is different types of hospice not all of them help the person to pass on, and if he gets to the point to where he really getting
to not knowing who you are that's the time that you need to find a care center for Alzheimer's.
when my husband her brother n I went up to visit her at her house it blew her husband away that when her brother walked in the door and she knew exactly who he was I walked in the door and she didn't really know who I was and after a while she started to know who I was which was very surprising cuz, neither one of us had seen her for a while.
after a while she got worse so her husband had to put her in a care center, she died about a couple months later. Now I'm a massage therapist but I think maybe you might also need to go and have some energy work done on you or just a nice relaxing massage somewhere. I don't know where you are but I'm in Utah

This is Beth... original Poster. Thanks so much for all the feedback, advice, and support. You've given me much to consider! To answer your questions, I am 54. My employer is being great, and (since my husband and I work for same employer), we just found we'll be able to take turns working while the other cares for Dad. We will both be living at his home for now. Our work is out of country, so taking turns doing the job will still keep us apart, but there will be some down time where we can both be here as well. I honestly think AL would be more enjoyable for Dad as he loves interacting with people. He's 79, so there's potential of several years for this; (and if he can enjoy living, I do hope there is several years) :) But yes, AL may need to be strongly considered if affordable. My faith is strong (which makes the 'resentment' harder to be okay with). Thanks for the book suggestion too. For all of you going through this, most of you have done it much longer than my 2.5 months, I applaud you and will pray for you. Some of your stories make me want to smack myself, put on my big girl panties, and be thankful for my situation. But as some say, I'm human and need to do what is best for all. Thanks again!!!

Perhaps you cannot continue being his caregiver. Consider a nursing home as the resentment is not likely to go away.

Beth1104, you are not alone with what you are feeling. Losing your mom and having such a promise extracted at such an emotional time was unfair to you, However, I believe making sure he is well cared for in an Assisted living facility or home does fulfill that promise. Get someone on board to be with your dad while you take some time to grieve your loss, of both your parents,  and figure out the best place for your dad to have his NEEDS met without you giving away your life and future. May God bless you and give you peace on this most difficult journey. 

Thank you

Help

We promise lots of things to people with every intention of following through. You have to remember that the situation with your dad is not your fault.

For instance, my siblings and I always agreed that we would never place mom in a nursing home and told her so. However, we never expected that mom’s health would deteriorate to where she could not even take care of herself. She refuses home health, but her condition is not medically necessary for Medicare to pay. She just doesn’t walk well, feed herself well, bathe and is non-compliant with her meds. She recently had a hospital admission because she fell 3 times in 2 weeks and they got her into rehab and I was certain this event would be the catalyst to get her placed long term. But her admission diagnosis only provided for 15 days of facility rehab and she is getting ready to be discharged. I was shocked they would send her home in the shape she’s in. She can no longer live in her own so she will have to live with me and my husband until she can get approved with Medicaid for long-term care. Hopefully.

We never know what’s going to happen with our parents. It is not a disrespect of your promise to your mother if you find some other way to have your father taken care of. You’ve done your best. There is no shame in being angry, resentful and just plain tired of dealing with it. I’m in the same boat because I get no relief ... and I have two brothers who can’t even come to help me take care of my mom’s property. All they can say is “thanks for doing everything”.

I had a growing resentment of my father during my caretaking efforts, and it led to several heated and loud arguments. Like you, I felt he didn’t treat Mom very well, and I did remind him that if it was good enough for Mom, it’s good enough for you. Everything I prepared to eat was too tough, (including tomatoes from my garden) not like Mom made, didn’t taste the same, the wrong portion, not enough changes in the menu from week to week. (When he complained about something, I took it off the menu). He accused me of not helping him, and I asked him what more I was supposed to do. I left my home, took him on drives when he was bored, cooked, cleaned, maintained his scrips and Dr. appts, and drove him, wheeled him in to every one of them. I helped with the OT and PT. I helped him in and out of the shower, to get dressed, and did the laundry. He couldn’t make coffee, or pour milk on cereal, or make instant oatmeal. But after lunch, I would drive the 2 miles to pick up my mail, move the car in the driveway, turn on different lights, mow the lawn, etc. Usually gone about an hour, during which he could get the ice cream from the freezer, get down the 13 stair steps for a smoke, that I was not supposed to know about, or get to his car and take a quick drive before I could get back.

There are many more things that were going on, but he fell while I was grocery shopping, and ended up in rehab. He went from rehab, to assisted living, because he felt he could not clean himself well enough after toileting, and I refused to do it. He had another fall after 3 months at assisted living, and I took him to the hospital, where he went septic and died. It’s been 11 months, and I am tortured by things I said when the frustration grew too much for me to handle. I failed to fulfill his wishes to stay at home, and it haunts me. I see things on the news and think I should talk to Dad about this…because we discussed the news every day. Be careful. Don’t let the resentments consume you.

Countrymouse nailed it again bang on. We must remind Our Selves when We Care for a Love One with alzheimer's or demensia their LACK OF LOGIC, REASONING, AND COMMON SENSE IS GONE.
Of coarse it is and as time passes memory will fade and disappear hence We can not expect Them to zone into Our wave length so We must step into Their World and engage in conversation with Them. Remember No Person should ever Care for any Patient against Their Will, only do it because You want to. It is a very tough Journey and We need to be in the right frame of mind from the beginning. Im no Doctor or expert and what ever I learned when I Cared for My Mom with alzheimer's was from AgingCare.Com, how ever I did discover on Our Journey Together NO ANGER, just PEACE
CALM, LOTS OF LOVE, = JOY.

Perhaps an in-home caretaker would work, or perhaps a small board and care home that is familiar with people with dementia. Check with the local agency on aging. Is there an adult day care that might be part of the solution?

There is something very valuable in self care and that is "Acceptance" accept "What Is" not what you would like things to be. Also learn the art of "Forgiveness"
Being a caregiver is the hardest job there is. That is why children should talk to their parents about money and the future.

my situation is different of course but I totally get it and no you are not alone. I'm having a great deal of resentment toward my brother and my daughter right now especially during the holidays. My mom is now in assisted living and I visit and take care of her needs 2-3 times a week even there. I hope you can find a part time caregiver a couple times a week to give you some respite, rest, a good cry? The little breaks really help to refresh and get ready Take care, prayers for all caregivers out there!

My thoughts are that you should put your marriage first and go back to your life, get your job back. Place dad in a retirement community where he can get his social needs met.

Anyone who has to deal with the repeated statements, mental confusion and all the other things that go with declining health and the onset of dementia, unless they are made of stone, is going to start feeling angry and resentful. That is only human and a normal reaction. The difference is that some people can handle this better than others and can just shrug it off. Others cannot tolerate this. Yes, promises were made and intentions were good. However, this is not their fault. But that does NOT mean YOU should have to give up your job to keep promises made long ago when everything was fine. You probably didn't know what it would be like. I feel this is YOUR TIME NOW and your first priority is you. If it gets bad and starts to affect you, emotionally, mentally and physically, then you owe it to yourself to either get someone else to care for the patient full time so you can keep your own life whole or you must put them somewhere that they can be cared for. There simply is NO OTHER OPTION. You put up with it and it will eventually cause horrible resentment in you, your personality will change and you will be miserable. Don't let that happen.

Beth, we would love to hear back from you! I know how resentment can eat at a person. There are 4 of us and we placed the folks in AL. They were not thrilled, but as it turns out, Dad died in Feb. of this year, and Mom was in exactly the place she needed to be!!! Already there. I still felt resentment and would get angry on occasion, knowing How bad mom was hurting from losing Dad. it happens. We are all 4 glad now that she has the socialization and the care that she needs.. Mom and I decided that for the 2 of us we would just be happy with the time the 2 of us have together. No pity parties for her dementia. No frustration from me or her over the situation. Just an acceptance of it and a decision to be content with it!! I make it sound so easy, sorry, it took 3 years or more!! Prayers for your decisions!!

Texasgal, you sound strong and resilient. Tell me, though...does your mother consider your do-nothing brothers as golden boys? Because you are the daughter, is that why she is living with you now? Does she pay you in any way?

I was a paralegal in Chicago for 25 years. My mother needed open heart surgery and I knew the recovery period would be extreme so I quit and stayed home full time. She then could no longer walk and was bedridden but we worked a system she uses a portable commode. Once my funds were depleted I gave blood at the blood bank and enrolled for food stamps for 2 years. Then our state began a Medicaid waiver program where I am paid a stipend to tend to her at home. My point is I saw my choice through and was rewarded. Remove the negativity and see where this chapter in your life leads.

Educate yourself on Dementia and who said its "mild". A lot of your frustration is treating him with a "normal" mentality. Once you understand the disease you will have to learn to get a grip and change your mindset. My mother is bipolar. You made a choice to leave your job. Your promise to your Mother was something you told a dying woman to calm her. Get your father's affairs in order. POA, rent or sell the house, check out care facilities. Your resentment cannot make you a good caregiver so decide. Own your choice to leave your career and tend to your father or place him in a nursing home and resume your career. It's just that easy.

You don't say in this post how old you are, but it makes a big difference. I was 50 when my mother fell ill enough that she could no longer live at home and I became Durable Power of Attorney. I had it way better than most in terms of Mom's acceptance of her situation. But I was single, and I was terrified that if I lost my job because I couldn't put in the work or the hours (and this was before Virtual Private Networks really caught on), that I would never get another job. Fortunately that did not happen. Fast forward about a decade and my husband almost dies from a massive stroke. Months later, when he can return home, he is disabled. I am his DPOA and Health Care Proxy. My (fantastic) employer helped me do everything possible and more under Family Leave law to stay working as long as possible before we had to part ways. I was very lucky that I got to work until very close to full retirement age in terms of Social Security eligibility. Most people are not so fortunate. Life in this country has become a combination of lottery and chessboard. Life gives you the luck of the draw in terms of what happens to you, and what square you can get to on the chessboard when that happens determines your fate.

Whatever you do - try not to be too hard on yourself. But it's hard. How is your Dad's health otherwise? Because if he's in fairly good shape - he could live a very long time. I don't think it would be fair to you, or your husband to give up your life! You can assist but you should probably look into other options or get ready for major burnout! It can hit you like a freight train and if you are like me - your mind will think things are totally out of character. You might even need counseling to find an outlet to vent. This site is great and has helped me through some dark days. I refuse to give up my job. My mother is 91 - has moved back in with me again. I'm single and refuse to live at the poverty level while both of my brothers have much more material wise than I do. Do they come around much...nope. Hardly ever. She and I have already had "our moments" when she is being totally narcissistic and unreasonable. I usually leave or meet up with a friend. My job is my outlet to be able to talk to people my age and keeps my mind engaged. I'm not sure what is down the road but home health care will have to be an option and "Drive a Senior", which is a free service. I'm taking it day by day. Right now things are fine but that can change on a dime. Good luck to you!