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Not sure what I'm looking for here... maybe to know I'm not the only one? I need to get over the resentment I feel for having to leave my job to care for my Dad. I'm still feeling angry at the passing of my Mom a little over a month ago. I promised her I'd care for my Dad who has mild dementia. After reading what many of you are going through, other than having to live in his house, leaving my career, away from my husband, the care isn't that difficult. (Paying bills, getting groceries, cleaning the house). However, his lack of logic, reasoning, common sense and need to talk non-stop is driving me crazy. He doesn't care what I have to say, and is very selfish. Because of that and the resentment of having to be here, I feel I'm not often very loving. (I call him out on ridiculous remarks). I do that mostly because he was critical of Mom as she was dying - - I'm trying not to feel the need to get him back for it, but dang it, if it doesn't happen in moments of frustration. I then of course, lose sleep from the guilt and vow to do better tomorrow. But then he does it again... and so do I.

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Are you sure you should be trying to 'get over the resentment'?

I can't see how it isn't just going to grow, you being only human. Your promise to your mother has turned into giving up your job (what are you to live on?) and separating from your husband (what about your promise to him on marriage?); and if your father has mild dementia then you have a long, long road ahead - God willing.

So I think you need to look again at that promise and see if it can't be kept through a far more practical interpretation. You didn't promise your mother that you would screw yourself financially and ditch your husband. You did promise her that you would care for your father. That means finding the best support possible for him, and the best support can't come from someone who is justifiably furious with him and with the situation she finds herself trapped in.

There are other options which will be better for everyone and still keep faith. I should start looking if I were you.
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I commend you for your dedication to your family. We reach a crossroad and have to decide which way is best. There is no "good" choice, only the least worst. Both of my parents unexpectedly spiraled downward too young and I have had to set my boundaries on what I will and will not give up. Job/career, husband/house/home life are off limits in my world.

Under no circumstances should the adult child abandon the life they've built to care (long term) for a parent. You will need a game plan in case this goes on for another decade. If it does, the life you have built is gone and your own future will be much different than what you planned for yourself.

I don't think our parents' younger selves would have ever dreamed of asking us to give up our lives for them.
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I am in the same type of situation. I promised I wouldn't put my mom in a facility if she didn't want to go. What a mistake. She is 99 and has dementia. I left a job and boyfriend of 6 years. I've finally got a in home care facility coming in so I can get away and return to sanity. I've learned through this site that promises made can be reversed. So get some help. I still haven't figured out how I'll get back to my home and my love.
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It is very stressful to care for a person who has dementia. Their behavior, through no fault of their own, can be very exasperating. Unless, you are able to take breaks and get respite time, you will likely become overwhelmed and suffer from it. If you feel that you can't do it without lashing out at him, then, I'd explore other options for his care. Not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver in the home. You can be caregiver in a number of ways. Some caregivers bring in outside help into the home to care for the LO. Others, have the LO placed in a facility that meets their needs. We do the best we can, so, I wouldn't beat myself up over that promise. Caretaking comes in many forms. I'd try to stop the cycle of trying to correct him. It won't work and will only make you feel worse. Repeating, non-stop talking, lack of logic are symptoms of his illness. It's not his fault. I'd read a lot about dementia and see if that will provide more insight as to what is happening in the brain. There are also some good videos on You Tube by Teepa Snow.

I would explore the consequences of leaving the work force. I don't know your age, but, if you are out without building your career, earning retirement, etc. I'd check to see how that effects you in the long run.
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I agree with CountryMouse - you need to research other options that don't involve you giving up your life so your father can continue his life unchanged. What's your long-term plan? Your mom passed away and you've stepped into the immediate breach, which is admirable. But now you've got to figure out the next five years, or ten years. Dad will need increasing care with just about any kind of dementia. It's time to consider getting him into a facility near you where you can resume your life with your husband and your job and support your father's care without totally burning down your own life.

Don't look to dad to agree or understand - this is where you have to assume the adult role to care for dad. I hope you have POA for him for both healthcare and property?
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I moved in with my mother 7 years ago certain that the end was near, after all she had been in fragile health for over 20 years. Today she is 98 - unimaginable! - and has been in a nursing home for the last six months. Despite my previously good relationship with her I found myself feeling angry and resentful, I reached a point where I actually hated her. I finally admitted this not fair to either one of us, these were not the final memories I wanted. Admitting I had "failed" was brutal, handing over control to outsiders was incredibly difficult, but today the black cloud that hung between my mother and I is gone and I can once again feel love for her. Sometimes there are no perfect choices, life mocks our plans and good intentions and we just have to accept that we are not as indispensable as we imagine ourselves to be.
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Why would you leave your job? I certainly understand taking some time to find some care for Dad or place him in AL but to actually give up your ability to support yourself makes no sense. What will be the long term effects on your financial future and on your relationship with your husband?

I do sympathize with your frustration over listening to the prattle. My father does the same thing and I do call him out on it. They seem to think we are children and believe their word as gospel and are very shocked to find out that is not the case.

I suggest you stay only long enough to figure out a care plan that does not involve you 24/7 then get back to your life before it is too late.
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Your feelings are normal. I am facing, after caring for my Mom for 17 years and then 24/7 bedridden for her last 2 years, now my MIL who will not leave her house for assisted living or getting a bath aide or someone to come in. She says "that is what family is for". Ironically when I am old no one will be there for me. We have no kids and hubby's family not attentive, they seem to be trying for the strong ones, (us), to help them all the time. My extended family is oversees. "Friends" who are done taking care of their parents in a lesser capacity keep bragging at us about their great new life. This does build resentment. I can only suggest getting some outside help, if possible, to give yourself a break. At some point, like with my MIL someday, there may be no other solution other than a facility, assisted living or memory care. I hope you find a balance and a solution that gives you peace.
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Your promise to care for your dad can be in ways other than leaving your husband and job. As noble as you may have felt that was in the beginning, it really is not a good long term solution. So what you do now that you’ve realized "hey...this isn’t what I signed up for!" Is go to plan B and modify it. Resentment is not a healthy emotion and recognition of it is good. Believe me we’ve all felt it but to wallow in it long term will cause you psychological damage.

You need to help find care for him in other ways and that still maintains the integrity of your promise. Moving him to a AL facility if it’s in his budget would be the first step. They can manage his meds, and other needs. Provide him with a safe environment, socialization and good meals.

Learning how to respond to someone with dementia takes a lot of know how and patience. The book I recently read really helped me with that skill. I’ve recommended it on here before and will continue to as it gave me much peace. Called Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz. It’s a thin book and on Amazon.
Realize you have options and make a plan. Get back to your marriage and career for the sake of your retirement. Let us know how it goes.
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Upstream said it all: "under no circumstances should the adult child abandon the life they've built. . ." That statement is liberating! Caregiving comes in many forms. If possible, it's better to do it on your own terms and keep your mental health. There are times in life when sacrificial love is all you can manage to give. On some days, just doing my mom's laundry, paying her bills. and answering her questions 50 times is enough. I don't always have it in me to do that with joy in my heart. I just hope medical science (or big pharma), finds a way to keep dementia at bay for me someday.
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