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My sister has seen my mom a total of about 3 days in all of 2019. She decided to come down this weekend and to bring her husband and teenage son. They fly for free b/c her husband is a pilot so hopping on a plane is no big deal for them.


My relationship with both of my siblings is very strained at this point, mostly on my end due to my resentment. I absolutely hate that I resent them so much, but while they both continue to live their lives, fully, my life is ruled by my needy mother next door. Not only do they keep their safe distance from my mother, but since all of this they have proven not to care about my well-being either. I think I talked to my sister on the phone twice this year. She prefers the occasional text. "How's mom?" "Keep me posted" that kind of thing.


So when I was informed by my mom that my sister was making a visit I thought I could just lay low and she could do her 2 days with my mom. Then I find out she's bringing the family. That means they will need to use my guest room. Then yesterday when my husband was driving my mom to an appointment for new tires on her car my mom asks him if he will pick them up from the airport tonight at about 9PM. Initially he said he would, but when he got home I could tell he was not happy about it.


I don't drive in the dark, and by 9PM we are almost ready for bed. An Uber which they can afford would be less than $20. So I told him to tell her he didn't want to do it, which he did when they were driving back to pick up her car. (My husband owned a car repair business so he takes care of all the car stuff). Glad I wasn't there or I guarantee I would have gotten a crappy line back for the decline.


I have not had a single conversation with my sister about any of this, none. She hasn't called me at all. Yet, the expectations are there. My mom is planning that we will all have dinners together, etc.


I don't want to see them at all. I need a mood adjustment fast. One side of me feels like I should just suck it up so my mom has a better visit, but then that resentful side wants nothing to do with it. I feel the "right" thing to do is to suck it up.



Guess it's time for me to buy a big bottle of wine. Any other suggestions?

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You are taking what Mom says as that is what sister is going to do. Maybe its all in Moms head. I know your relationship is not all that great, but Sis shouldn't be going thru Mom, she should be going thru you. If she needed a ride, she should have called u. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe they r renting a car. Maybe they already hired a shuttle.

Really, I would get away. Let Mom visit with ur sisters family without the tension I am pretty sure will be there. You are going to resent the whole thing. Call sister and tell her Mom asked that ur DH pick u up. Sorry, but 9 pm is late for you and driving in the dark is hard for u both now. I bet u will find they already have made plans. Also, tell her that since they r coming in, u and hubby felt that was a good time to get away together. If she gets started, just say you need this time. Caring for Mom is becoming an everyday thing. If she asks to use your guest room, say u aren't comfortable with someone staying in ur house when ur not there. Make sure if Mom has a key to your house, u get it back.

I think you do enough for Mom. Its time for you to do for yourself.
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Your nephew can sleep on the sofa - get out of there and get some respite.
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"Since my sister only sees my mother a handful of days a year I feel like I should do it for my mother. And that's what I will do."

I'd like to offer you some completely different perspectives:

1. Since your sister only sees your mother a handful of days a year, get out of the way and let them have time to themselves.

2. Since your sister only sees your mother a handful of days a year, use that time to get away with your husband and leave the resentment behind.

You are making up all these "what if" scenarios in your head...What if mom dies without having enough good memories? What if sucking it up this time is the last time I get to suck it up? What if mom's dementia gets suddenly worse and she can't enjoy another one-big-happy-family-suck-it-up-fantasy?

You are holding onto your resentment. You are holding onto your anger. You are putting your mother ahead of your husband (big no-no).

Tell your sister no, she cannot stay with her free-loading family in your guest room. Tell your mother no, you are not going to be available while sister-and-entourage blow through town.
Tell your husband yes, you and he are going to have date nights each and every night that sister-dear is in town.
Tell yourself yes, you have the right to be happy and release your anger and resentment.
Tell yourself no, I do not have to suck it up because you suck up plenty already.

And yes, you can change your mind!
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Use the opportunity for you and your husband to get out of town for some respite - after you say hi. They don't need to use your guestroom. they do what they want - time for you to also.
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Ppiper, you can only be a doormat if you lie down.

Call your sister and tell her "no, no and no". If you need an excuse, say you both have come down with the flu. But you dont need an excuse. Stop loving up to your family's expectations.
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"Since my sister only sees my mother a handful of days a year I feel like I should do it for my mother. And that's what I will do. What's driving this is I don't know how many more opportunities there will be for my mom to have family around her like this. Between my siblings willful absence and my mom's health and mental state I don't see it being a whole lot."

Do what for your mother? Give up your guest room? Be around for all the meals? (Will you be expected to COOK all of those meals?)

Maybe your mother should concentrate only on your sibling and her family. Let that be a memory for her to cherish.

I don't understand why YOU have to be a part of that memory...

BTW, does your mother have in-home help? Does she hire caregivers? Or are you the help?
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They just assume that you will have a room for them?

I would feel resentful about their behavior if it was my house. I would find a friend that is willing to spend a few days in your spare bedroom while the sibling figures out where to sleep. You don't have open your home up because they expect it. They need to learn that courtesy is appropriate in these situations.

I am just floored that she wouldn't even speak to you about some of her family staying in your home. It wouldn't happen at my house, I would be gone for the weekend or I would have a friend in need so I have no additional room for people that don't respect me enough to ask if they could stay and when.

I would ever so humorously say to my sister when she is complaining about not using your spare bedroom, "well, you know the saying, assume, it makes an ass out of you and me."
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ArtistDaughter Nov 8, 2019
I think coming up with a fake reason is good for keeping peace, except it doesn't teach the sister anything. Maybe just to the actual point of the issue - "No, Sis, you didn't ever ask, so the guest room at our house is not available. In fact, we are leaving for the days you are here in order that we can have some time to ourselves. We are burnt out. Do have fun visiting Mom". Avoiding the real problem will only continue the very bad behavior Sis is exhibiting.
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Sounds like you don't get any time for yourself or you and hubby. Why not plan something for the two of you away from all the family. Be sugar sweet in explaining that it is so nice for your sister/family to make this trip so you (or you and hubby) can have a little break.
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ArtistDaughter Nov 8, 2019
Perfect!
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Just say NO, it is a complete sentence, this is your issue not your mother or your siblings. He is a pilot, he gets all kinds of special rates at hotels, that is where they should stay, not with you. They can also Uber from the airport or some hotels have shuttles, or they can rent a car. And you do not need to have every dinner with them...No, No, No.

This is silly, no need for this nonsense. Stand up to them.
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ExhaustedPiper Nov 8, 2019
My mom also has a guest room so if it had been just my sister then she could have stayed there herself. In fact that was her initial plan. I don't know why she decided to bring her husband and son. To be truthful my mom doesn't like being around her son and my sister has long resented this, so strange she's even bringing them. It occurred to me that my sister might have decided she didn't want to be alone with my mom and worried I might not be around. At any rate, they are all coming.

Dolly you are right, they could easily afford a hotel. It's not about that, my conflict is that I know what my mom wants for this visit. She wants everyone getting along, having drinks, playing happy family while also ignoring the 9000 pound elephant in the room which is her dementia.

Since my sister only sees my mother a handful of days a year I feel like I should do it for my mother. And that's what I will do. What's driving this is I don't know how many more opportunities there will be for my mom to have family around her like this. Between my siblings willful absence and my mom's health and mental state I don't see it being a whole lot.

Maybe I shouldn't of posted about it but I really needed to vent. Trust me though, I won't be doing anything if it's just exclusively to make my sister happy. I have no problem standing up to her. She knows damn well our relationship has cooled significantly in the last year and why.
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