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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My dad had fixations as well. He thought he was living in an apartment, but he and my mom shared a home. He was fixated on going back to work, at age 90.
I learned, after a lot of trial and (mostly) error, that he just wanted someone to listen to him, not contradict him. He wanted someone to say, "Ok, I'll take care of that for you" or "Ok, I'll see what I can do to help, can you tell me more about it?"
My dad would get frustrated if I tried to convince him he did not live in an apartment. And he would get frustrated if I tried to empathize with him when he wanted to raise the rent on the imaginary tenants who lived in this apartment. He wanted none of that.
But what helped the most to settle him down was to listen to what he was saying, and to offer some sort of help. Then he would forget what he was talking about and the matter ended.
And of course, if he became quite agitated, an as needed anti-anxiety was necessary to help ease his mind of the worry and get some rest.
My 96 yo mother has had a number of fixations during her dementia.
For awhile she was obsessed with ivy that was growing in her planting beds. We dug out all the ivy, and she was still obsessed with it. Finally we removed all the ground cover, and her obsession went away.
Another obsession was about the Presbyterian church taking over the world. The CCRC she lives in is Presbyterian, and they sent out a memo to the residents about prayer circles being formed and interested residents could participate if they wanted. Mom showed me the memo to prove they were "taking over everything".
Rather than contradicting her (always a bad idea when someone has dementia), I told her I would look into it. Sometimes she would ask if they were taking over my town, and I would answer "not yet, but since they do such a good job here, it would probably be better, so I think it will be good."
People with dementia might not be able to make sense of much anymore, but they CAN still feel our energy and tone of voice very accurately. No matter what she says, I try to respond in a manner that is upbeat and positive. (Yes, that can take a lot of energy on my part.)
Also, don't overlook the possible benefit of medication. Lexapro has helped my mom a lot with her anxiety and fixations.
My father had FTD and during those years, he had many obsessions and fixations. It was almost like that’s the only personality he had left. With some obsessions, there was a shred of a “reason” or connection to his former responsibilities. Other obsessions had no discernible reason. He became fixated on causes that previously he would have found foolish.
Meds were the only reliable way to loosen the grip. Sometimes distraction would work for a couple of minutes or hours.
You don’t have to help him. If the obsession is harmless, I say let him at it. If it’s driving you nuts, that’s another issue. Earphones, distractions, annd breaks from him are the way to go. And of course if it’s dangerous, it has to be curbed.
I doubt he can compute well enough to think of any of that. This is a simple compulsion, like any other in those suffering acute mental deficits. I very much doubt this has anything to do with guilt feelings, and if it does, which of us doesn't live feeling we are in some sense responsible for much that goes wrong in our lives? Only the psychotic are free of inappropriate feelings of guilt.
My dad wanted to exhume his parents' bodies, build a large mausoleum a few towns up the road, and inter them there. They'd been dead and happily enjoying the lovely cemetery where they'd been for decades. At least, that's what I told dad. He drew sketches and made plans, which never came to fruition because dad himself became sicker. Eventually he was buried in his own plot near his parents, who never got the grand mausoleum he'd planned.
Sometimes you have to just go with their strange ideas. In retrospect I think of that period in dad's life as rather cute.
There are already some good answers here. There is not much you can do to manage this fixation of his. You can go along with it, discuss it with him, let him busy himself making plans, but if this is causing him anxiety, I agree with Geaton, medication can be helpful. My young husband has traumatic brain injury, and sometimes will get agitated, yelling for help over and over. I can do everything he asks for, and he still yells out for help. When there is nothing more I can do for him, and he is still agitated, I find that an anti anxiety medication, or something that causes drowsiness as a side effect, will help him to calm down. What I've found to be most effective are one of: Depakote, Hydroxyzine, or Trazodone. I've had to discontinue anti anxiety meds; Celexa and Xanax, because they are addictive and caused him to become more agitated after a time, and weren't really that effective. I find something that makes him sleepy is the most effective way to calm him.
Religiosity enters frequently with almost any mental condition. As an RN practicing originally at a catholic hospital, we had an on-call Priest and an floating "Sister Patrice" at beck and call daily. I will never forget sister saying, as she entered our elevator, "3rd floor wants me. Third floor is always our best customers!" Third floor was the Psyc Unit.
There is something basic in the mind of man that causes it to ALWAYS create music and religion. Whether it is an Easter Island Icon, an Indian Diety with many waving arms, or any other god-image--it is of course always THE god. And argument ensues.
Persons of faith often will become somewhat obsessed with it when a mental malady of any kind is extant. They develop a kind of Uni-Focus. Problematic is that the brain beset often has quite vivid hallucinations; voices are heard. My schizophrenic neighbor has over 200 angels he spoke to. This is all very very real to the person involved. He didn't want to take his medications because they caused his angels to exit.
As to explaining why one mind beset creates the delusion that their wife is unfaithful and another decides it must build a church--no one really CAN explain it. As Oliver Sacks said, "They have a very REAL WORLD. It just isn't OUR world".
You asked if we have "any idea as to why". Nope. Guess we need, with this one, to "Let go, and let God....."
Is your husband on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, it may be time to have a discussion with his primary doctor to see if this may be helpful.
My 83-yr old friend with moderate dementia started fixating on how our church was actively "getting rid of" senior church members and original founders (of which I am one). It's all she talked about and it was very distressing for her since it was a negative thought. All I could do was to keep redirecting the conversation or distracting her. Eventually I had to just walk away.
Whatever you do, do not engage in any sort of further discussion on that topic with him, not even to try to "convince" him the church doesn't need to be built, can't be built, is already built, etc.
You got the right word--"fixation". These compulsive and out of control thoughts just kind of take over, become circular. You will be fixated on the same old answers. "I tried that, hon; didn't work; no one is interested" or "Pastor Robert says he doesn't want a new church" or "What a wonderful idea, hon; we will look into that." and so on and so on. Things that become unreasonal, circular, repetitive are much like habits such as "shadowing". They get a life of their own. Only you can decide when you simply cannot, as a person of sound mind, listen to it anymore. At my brother's ALF there was a gentleman who really had ZERO to say other than "When I was a baby, they didn't expect me to live. The doctor told my mother......" and on and on. All day long, all week long, all month long, all year long. It's a part of the disorder. The brain isn't working normally.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I learned, after a lot of trial and (mostly) error, that he just wanted someone to listen to him, not contradict him. He wanted someone to say, "Ok, I'll take care of that for you" or "Ok, I'll see what I can do to help, can you tell me more about it?"
My dad would get frustrated if I tried to convince him he did not live in an apartment. And he would get frustrated if I tried to empathize with him when he wanted to raise the rent on the imaginary tenants who lived in this apartment. He wanted none of that.
But what helped the most to settle him down was to listen to what he was saying, and to offer some sort of help. Then he would forget what he was talking about and the matter ended.
And of course, if he became quite agitated, an as needed anti-anxiety was necessary to help ease his mind of the worry and get some rest.
For awhile she was obsessed with ivy that was growing in her planting beds. We dug out all the ivy, and she was still obsessed with it. Finally we removed all the ground cover, and her obsession went away.
Another obsession was about the Presbyterian church taking over the world. The CCRC she lives in is Presbyterian, and they sent out a memo to the residents about prayer circles being formed and interested residents could participate if they wanted. Mom showed me the memo to prove they were "taking over everything".
Rather than contradicting her (always a bad idea when someone has dementia), I told her I would look into it. Sometimes she would ask if they were taking over my town, and I would answer "not yet, but since they do such a good job here, it would probably be better, so I think it will be good."
People with dementia might not be able to make sense of much anymore, but they CAN still feel our energy and tone of voice very accurately. No matter what she says, I try to respond in a manner that is upbeat and positive. (Yes, that can take a lot of energy on my part.)
Also, don't overlook the possible benefit of medication. Lexapro has helped my mom a lot with her anxiety and fixations.
Meds were the only reliable way to loosen the grip. Sometimes distraction would work for a couple of minutes or hours.
You don’t have to help him. If the obsession is harmless, I say let him at it. If it’s driving you nuts, that’s another issue. Earphones, distractions, annd breaks from him are the way to go. And of course if it’s dangerous, it has to be curbed.
I very much doubt this has anything to do with guilt feelings, and if it does, which of us doesn't live feeling we are in some sense responsible for much that goes wrong in our lives? Only the psychotic are free of inappropriate feelings of guilt.
Sometimes you have to just go with their strange ideas. In retrospect I think of that period in dad's life as rather cute.
There is not much you can do to manage this fixation of his. You can go along with it, discuss it with him, let him busy himself making plans, but if this is causing him anxiety, I agree with Geaton, medication can be helpful.
My young husband has traumatic brain injury, and sometimes will get agitated, yelling for help over and over. I can do everything he asks for, and he still yells out for help. When there is nothing more I can do for him, and he is still agitated, I find that an anti anxiety medication, or something that causes drowsiness as a side effect, will help him to calm down.
What I've found to be most effective are one of: Depakote, Hydroxyzine, or Trazodone. I've had to discontinue anti anxiety meds; Celexa and Xanax, because they are addictive and caused him to become more agitated after a time, and weren't really that effective. I find something that makes him sleepy is the most effective way to calm him.
Third floor was the Psyc Unit.
There is something basic in the mind of man that causes it to ALWAYS create music and religion. Whether it is an Easter Island Icon, an Indian Diety with many waving arms, or any other god-image--it is of course always THE god. And argument ensues.
Persons of faith often will become somewhat obsessed with it when a mental malady of any kind is extant. They develop a kind of Uni-Focus. Problematic is that the brain beset often has quite vivid hallucinations; voices are heard. My schizophrenic neighbor has over 200 angels he spoke to. This is all very very real to the person involved. He didn't want to take his medications because they caused his angels to exit.
As to explaining why one mind beset creates the delusion that their wife is unfaithful and another decides it must build a church--no one really CAN explain it. As Oliver Sacks said, "They have a very REAL WORLD. It just isn't OUR world".
You asked if we have "any idea as to why". Nope. Guess we need, with this one, to "Let go, and let God....."
My 83-yr old friend with moderate dementia started fixating on how our church was actively "getting rid of" senior church members and original founders (of which I am one). It's all she talked about and it was very distressing for her since it was a negative thought. All I could do was to keep redirecting the conversation or distracting her. Eventually I had to just walk away.
Whatever you do, do not engage in any sort of further discussion on that topic with him, not even to try to "convince" him the church doesn't need to be built, can't be built, is already built, etc.