I did a post about APS coming to our home twice and and the neglect of self care of my husband's dad.

If any of you have read my previous question I now have a new one. My husband's father went to ER tonight 2/10/2020 at a local hospital and is being transport to his in network hospital Kaiser. APS has been called out twice by the medical field on him for neglect of self care in all aspect for himself...filth, smoking in the bed and dropping lite cigarettes under the bed, not showering for months at a time, falling, not eating what is given to him eat, refusing PT.

You know it is bad when one of the EMS says oh I have been here before!!! I wanted to say probably more than once we have a room reserved for you to move in to save you another trip... LOL

We do not know what to do next now that he is back in the hospital to get the proper help involved, to get proper parties to understand and see he is not as competent as he portrays..

Any suggestions? Learned experiences? What the next steps that can be taken?



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Why can't you arrange to move out?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

You say to BarbBrooklyn who recommends you move out, 'thanks for the suggestion, though', as if it's not an option for you TO move out of your FILs house.

If that's the case, you'll have to keep enduring all of this; lit cigarettes dropped on the floor, coughing up a lung due to COPD, no showers for months on end, numerous trips to the ER where he will be discharged due to competency, frequent APS visits, etc. etc. It's his house, so he lives the way he sees fit, and you have no other choice but to live in the conditions he chooses.

Otherwise, move out and have your own lives you and your husband. Your FIL can hire a caregiver to come in to help him every day, or, he can sign up to live in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing.

You do have a choice here, whether you feel like you do or not. Your FIL is choosing to live this lifestyle, meaning he is also choosing to die as a result of this lifestyle. You do not have to be a party to it. You've tried to help him, he won't take the help.,,,,,,you say you're 'done', then be done. Move out.

Best of luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lealonnie1
Dumbfounded Feb 12, 2020
Well after last night situation tonight my husband says his dad needs to be in an assisted living we can’t continue this anymore, my husband is resting he is having an anxiety episode. He said it is either that or we move. I was glad to hear that. He feels bad but he is ready to walk. My husband is POA of everything. I have even told my FIL that his son doesn’t care about the house or money that your son wants you to have someone to permanently help you...My FIL has been diagnosed with dementia with behavioral issues. I told my husband we move APS will yank him out and place him somewhere.

My husband worked with a woman with COPD. She wore a mask at work with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Yes, she eventually died.

You need to move out ASAP. He does not need you. He is using you. Your husband is just going have to allow Dad to kill himself.
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Reply to JoAnn29

The hospital is releasing him because he has YOU in the house. If you didn’t live in his house I believe you’d be more able to get him the help he needs. You wouldn’t have to pick him up after these hospital visits if you didn’t live there. They’d have to figure something out or send him home unsafely. I would sit with your DH tonight and make the plan to move out ASAP. You need to change the living arrangement if you really want anything else to change.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to rocketjcat
Dumbfounded Feb 11, 2020
I see that makes sense..

I have to vent this out....

I told him I’m done, he snapped “I know” I said “NO I’m done, no coffee, no newspaper, no meds, no meals you don’t eat it anyway no anything I’m done and walked out”.

his ER trip last night/this morning today was because of his COPD....he has been home but 20 minutes coughing up a lung lights up a cigarette.

Stupid #=?!/@ *%#@&.

Dumbfounded even more!!!!
Find a new place to live and then give him a 30 day notice. That will give him time to line up a caretaker. It is up to you and your husband to make a move. He will not change. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to anonymous912123

Move out. The home isn't safe for you and your husband either. At 72 he could live for another 2 decades, if he doesn't burn the house down first with the two of you in it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to HelloImMinsu

If he lives in YOUR home, you call up the discharge planners today and tell them that he can no longer safely cared for in YOUR home, that he is a danger to himself and others. Related the dropped cigarettes as an example of this.

If they send him home, start eviction proceedings immediately.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Dumbfounded Feb 11, 2020
We live in HIS home. We just got a call from the ER and of course he is showing competency and has been cleared for d/c, my husband is on his way to go pick him up. As I was speaking to the case worker at the hospital told him everything that has been going on but there is really nothing that can be done because of how he showing he is competent.

My husband in full tears as he is walking out the door he is sooooo numb he doesn’t know what to do.

Has to be at work at 7:00 and has a full day of appt calls, my husbands salary is about 70% commission based and his appt calls is where the commission comes in.

My husband is so numb he doesn’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do.

Thx for the suggestion though.

Does he live in your home or he in yours?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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