My dad is on hospice for long cancer, a brain mass & a mass in the bladder.we opted out of treatment. He knows he's dying but he won't talk about it. Our family has never been affectionate or good at discussing hard things. I want him to know his life was important and how much he means to me. He suffers from anxiety, & depression(for over 20 yrs) so he had been disconnected from us emotionally.
You completely follow THEIR OWN LEAD. This is theirs. This is about them.
I say this as an RN.
And if some dumb young RN ever tells you to tell them, at the end, that it is OK to go, I would ignore that advice. When my RN hospice RN friend said that to her bro, dying of AIDS, he looked at her with utter horror and his face said it all, which was "What the HECK (not the word); am I actually DYING??" It was a look of horror and terror and she says it was the most awful lesson she got as a nurse.
It's OK to say, "don't worry. I love you so much. You are always with me. I remember everything you taught me..".anything you like of comfort. But do not make them speak about dying if they don't wish to, nor acknowledge it if they fear it, nor talk about anything.
The death bed scenes are best left to Hollywood. It is often not how it goes.
Just my humble opinion.
My father was closed down emotionally also, and dying of a brain tumor. So I got in bed next to him, put my head on his shoulder and said all those things to him myself.
Best of luck and I'm sorry you're going thru such a difficult situation.
So start by telling him that and see where the conversation goes. You do not want anything left unsaid between the 2 of you.
I felt there was lot that I wanted to say before he died. I wrote a series of letters. With each I wrote an unfiltered draft that included some of my pain connected to our relationship. First draft was a no-send letter. That was very therapeutic for ME. From the first draft I edited the letters to be a recollection of my life as his daughter. Here, I found and expressed gratitude for a lot and edited out the grievances. The structure for the very first letter I sent him used active imagination. I recalled the day and date of my birth. I speculated about what that day must have been like for him and the family. I went on to speculate about what was happening in the town and the world on that Sunday morning. He didn't say a lot to me about it but it clearly meant a lot to him.
I never got back from him what I yearned for, but I felt very good that I was able to examine our relationship and express appreciation to him.
I am a retired therapist and I turned this into a process for my clients to use to find some resolution at the end or even after the death of a loved one.
It is good that your dad has accepted Hospice care and has your love. I encourage you to figure out what you need right now. If my letter writing idea speaks to you, please try it. You both may benefit.
P.S. My dad asked me to write his obituary right before he died, which I did. My husband was traveling that weekend. When he came home he found me pecking away at my computer crying a river of tears. He wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I was writing Dad's obituary. He said I should have called him! He thought Dad had already passed.
Arires, writing his obituary was very therapeutic, too.
When my dad was in the hospital his heart failed, they brought him back , so we could bring him home to die ( I know!) anyways when they brought him back he yelled at the nurse, He said!!! "what did you do that for" . Totally believe the nurse because that sounded exactly like something my father would say. A few weeks later at home on hospice, he told me he was scared. I didn't remind him what happened wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. But I did tell him, I don't know what happens but I know one thing, I know it's peaceful, I know you will find peace. And I believe that in my sole, so he believed it also.
That's the only thing I got that's helpful. Best of luck, I'm so sorry, 🙏😔
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