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We are 4+ months into taking care of my 97 year old mom with dementia. This on-the-job training sucks. I've tried 20+ brands/styles of disposable undies. Some purchased, others were free samples via on-line and all were huge disappointments. I tried pantie liners, but she takes them out and/or the pads were too narrow. The ones that were wide enough were too thick. I took her panties away and now she's going commando.


We have our first neurologist appointment Monday.

There is no such thing as light weight.
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Incontinence wear is like a lot of other things elders have to deal with - nobody likes to wear it or finds it is as comfortable as regular underwear, but need trumps comfort for most. I've never got the argument that it is embarrassing to wear, surely being visibly wet or soiled is a much worse embarrassment?
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Mom is mostly on a regular eating schedule with a good balanced diet. Some denture problems are causing her not to be able to eat some foods, but we're working on that too. Otherwise, people tell me that they have never seen a 97 year old woman with such a voracious appetite. She says she doesn't feel the fecal matter. Neurologist appointment tomorrow after waiting 4 months. And then no answers because they will have to do "tests". And I'm quite sure the neurologist won't have any suggestions for a light weight disposable pantie, unless his mom's had the same problem.
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The padding is enough to hold a quart or maybe even a gallon of liquid. Mom said she's not going to walk around with a tree between her legs. Unquote. I understand and have searched for samples for 4 months without success. Even the liner/pads are too thick. We have the shame issue too. I tell her it's normal and have said that I'd wear them if she would. One pantie is easily as thick as a quality hand towel. Huge for a woman 4' 8" weighing 110 lbs. AND who doesn't have a urine incontinence issue.
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When you say Mum has occasional bowel incontinence do you mean that most the time she can make it to the toilet to poop? If this is the case are you tracking her consumption? It may help to try to determine what is triggering the episodes and avoid those triggers as much as possible.

I worry for my senior years as a long term sufferer of IBS-d. More and more foods are triggering my tummy trouble.
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RosaVista Jun 28, 2020
Mom actually has fecal leakage. She can make it to the toilet most of the time. And she hasn't had a urine leakage ever that I'm aware of. That's why they seem so bulky to her. Difficult to reason with dementia that bulky is better than soiled. I ended up taking all her panties away from her. At first she ripped up the diapers and the bathroom looked like a pillow fight gone bad. I had tried pads before that, but she pulled them out and often they would shift and the panties would be soiled. Occasionally I find she has gone commando. There are very few brands which come in moderate. Most are maximum and overnight - thick and thicker. and just as few that come in small sizes. Always Discreet doesn't come in small. First is small/medium which fits 115 lbs to 190 lbs. I can't ask my 115 lb. mom to wear the same size diaper as a 190 lb. person.
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I don't think there are any brands that are particularly good with fecal incontinence, I would just look for a light weight brand with a snug fit around the legs. What exactly is it about the ones you have tried that doesn't work for you?
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