Any success stories about bringing a resistant parent to a memory care home that went well?

If you are seriously thinking of getting him into memory care I highly recommend looking at the surveys for each facility this will give you an unbiased look at how well they are treating their patients as it is done by state licensure (department of health for that state ) to investigate any serious complaints made to them and to make sure that they are in compliance with state regulations, they are the authority when it comes to hospitals, Memory care nursing care , rehab facility’s and hospice so this will give you a good honest look at how things are going in there. You can ask to see the surveys when you tour the facility and by law they will have to show you . Their are many things that can be done inside of a facility that would help your loved one be safe in the event of a fall such as fall mats by the bed as well as bed alarms that will sound when they get out of bed . Yes some facility’s are better than others you will want to vet them heavily before moving your loved one . If you happen to see a loved ones relative while visiting and touring a facility ask them what their experience is like with the facility. I remember touring a facility about two years ago and asked a relative about how their experience was there and they said “Mostly good but they broke his leg” that facility was obviously a hard no for us . You have absolutely no idea how he’ll react once you move him it could go either way but regardless it seems that your mother is needing some TLC for herself caregiving is hard and it doesn’t end when they are in your home and if it is her wish to have him get a higher level of care and SHE is the one doing the day in day out tasks of caregiving than I think her opinion should be taken very seriously. I moved my dad into a nursing home a little over two years ago at first he was upset but after some time he was ok . I would visit him very often and take him out to family dinners or just down the street to get some French fries he loved doing these things . Life won’t stop for him because he’s in memory care it will just be different honestly my relationship with my father improved greatly after moving him into nursing care because dealing with someone with dementia can be really really hard with many arguments when they are under your care . I know it’s hard and it’s sad but your doing a great job 💛it will be ok my friend 💛

His Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications for his behavioral and anxiety issues.

LisaDiane: Although falling a lot at home could equate to the same amount of falls at a memory care facility, it is imperative that your father go into managed care since your mother is already a frail elder. Depending on the level of dementia, your father may adapt better than you think.

Depends how advanced he is. My Dad totally forgot his home the day after he walked out of it. I was shocked and made me think we should’ve moved him sooner.

In this case I think that the "middle distance" is the worst worry.

What I mean by this is that if the dementia is very bad he may adapt better than you think.
And if the dementia is not bad at all he will be angry, but will understand there is no choice, and may adapt. (As my brother said: "It's a bit like being young and in the army; I don't like it but I make the best of it")

If however the dementia is come and go, better and worse, middle stages and all over the place with good and bad days I think this will be very tough indeed.

The place may suggest no one visit for a week. This will be tough as well. I think it is touch and go with that but they have found over time this sometimes works best.

I am so sorry. This is so tragic. I don't see what else you can do for if care of him kills your Mom where is he then?

His dementia will greatly challenge anyone's efforts to " explain" the change to him. Keep it brief, remember that he most likely will not remember what you have told him; be gentle, tell him and show him your love and, in the event that he can understand some, emphasize that it is for his safety. Leave after getting him settled and do not try to extend the time as it will only challenge the situation more most likely. Tell him you will be back, but do not give exact day or time( again memory issues). Many folks find that also waiting a few days at least to go back allows the resident to begin to adjust and build trust with staff helping them. Talk with facility staff about this and of course expect possible lashing out, negative, hostile , grief provoking, guilt producing behaviors. Do not stay if this is happening. Practice good self care for yourself and family and mother. You are making a correct and responsible decision for him and your mother, although one that is difficult.

No one really want to move into MC, but with advance dementia you have no choice for their safety. We are not responsible for their happiness.

For me, I waited to crisis to happen. Mom then went to the hospital and the doctor said she could no longer live alone. I already been looking into MC place and found one near me. I moved mom's bedroom and few other belongings into her apt. Lots of her pictures, favorite chair and TV.

I moved mom from the hospital to MC. The transition from the car into the MC was challenging and traumatic, but it had to be done. Now she is active and has a new friend, and well taken care of.

I can tell you about my BIL he was home in his own apartment and was very determined not to go to a facility. So when he fell at his apartment laid on the ground for 30 minutes and his neighbor found him because he couldn't get up or use his legs. He was admitted to the hospital and from the hospital the nursing home with memory care had a room open he went straight to there. That is the only way we could get him in. He at first thought he would only be there for a little while but he is there for good its been almost 10 months now. With his short term memory gone totally its the only place for him.

We put his recliner, bedding, phone, and his hats on the wall so that he feels like its his home. It has worked so far. Oh he still thinks sometime he will get out of there but it won't happen. He sometimes calls it his apartment.

The best thing we did for him. Other wise it was watching RING cameras to see what he was doing 24/7. He does get agitated but they have meds on hand that helps relax him.

Prayers that you can safely put him somewhere.

It takes time.
With time and patience, and perhaps medication as needed to manage stress, he will adjust as best as possible. And he will forget and be more present with who is around him.

My client, in memory care, has excellent relationships with the care providers (either aides or CNAs).

Visit as often as you can. Although most care facilities will say to NO visit to allow parent / loved one 'to adjust.' That is a personal call.

IMPORTANT: have his furniture, pictures on the walls that he will recognize (as best he could/might) to make his room 'look like home.'

He will feel as he feels and you can do so much to support him, and your mom. Change is hard for everyone, esp when aging, disability / dementia is involved. It is a very sad time and giving him space to vent is important. Let him get out his anger and whatever else he feels / expresses. You do not need to react to it. It is best if you encourage it - so he knows he is heard and he gets his feelings out. It will give him a (small) sense of personal empowerment - to feel respected and heard - by you.

Do not go into stories ... of where he is.
As necessary, say it is temporary for 'tests' - then change the subject.

Do not try to convince him of anything. There is no logic here when talking to a person with dementia. Instead, do active, reflective listening. "I hear you. You are feeling xxx" then stop. Hold his hand, give him some non-verbal comfort. Just be with him where he is.

Gena / Touch Matters

Find your mother help in the home instead. If he is falling all the time check what drugs he is on. My sister started falling when she was pushed into a home. Very frightened and betrayed. They abused and neglected her. Gave her sleeping pills and anti-represents. These drugs are very dangerous for someone with dementia.

She started having severe falls because of the drugs. The people in these places do NOT care about your loved ones and will lie to you to make it sound like everything is ok. She went into the nursing home able to walk and talk and still give the most wonderful hugs. What they did to her was despicable.

Find help in the home.

My story isn't about someone outwardly resistant, but someone who inwardly mourned the idea of moving a lot.

My brother, with dx. of probable early Lewy's dementia made the choice for himself. His diagnosis made him hurry me in to take on bills, POA and Trustee of his Trust, but he loved his last little home, and his neighbors kept showing up saying "Stay home long as you can; we will help". I lived at the other end of the state and he was a SOCAL boy, not leaving it.

At first he tried. But he could no longer drive. He knew his balance was terrible, hated depending on neighbors and knew they would soon tire of him. And he knew he would soon need ALF to go on to MC if his Lewy's progressed. So he made the hard decision himself and we sold his last little place. He was always responsible. To the very end.

Until his death from Sepsis he did nothing but get better in his ALF. He went to movies, chatted with his cottage mates, cut roses for the tables, enjoyed the beautiful grounds, and he rested and relaxed free of worry, free of bills paying. He said that for him it was much like when he was young and went into the army. Everything was all arranged and he didn't necessarily love it all, but made the best of it all.

Our loved ones are such individuals. And even when they aren't the persons we "knew" they still are individuals as unique as their own thumbprints.

Best thing we ever did for Mom during this whole crazy journey. She loves it but the MC where she is, is very, very active. Hers is also small and they get a lot of one on one care and love.
However, everyone is different and sometime you have to do what is best for you. If he is angry now that may not change But you and your sweet mother will get some relief. What is the difference between him being angry with you are with someone else? Take care of yourself and your mother.
Blessings to you all.

What you say & the tone you use.. go by your Father's lead. Whether he is angry, fearful, sad. If angry, let him be. Blame 'Old Age'. If fearful or sad, let him know he is safe, cared for, when you'll see him next.

Make the room his own. You can say it is "for now" if you think that better. For now while.. Mom gets over her 'cold' or... something.

When volunteering, I met some amazing people. One lovely lady was no longer able to manage her DH's much worsening Parkinson's symptoms at home. He had not long arrived to MC. His recliner was moved into the MC lounge & photos/personal items placed in his room. His wife would come & watch TV with him in the evenings, as per their normal routine, then say she was off to bed (& leave). Staff said he initially was distressed & looked for her but then got used to his new environment. Seemed to feel safe. No longer wanted to leave.

I wish you all the very best for this hard transistion.

If he already falls a lot at home it won’t be any better in MC. This was my dilemma with my 100-yr old Aunt with dementia who was still somewhat mobile (but only with assistance). I knew transitioning her to MC would probably result in a profound injury from a fall sooner rather than later. People cannot be restrained no matter what the risk.

Before we got to that point she fell at home getting out of her bed at night & broke her hip. We were in the process of interviewing LTC facilities when she passed away in her sleep at rehab.

Perhaps first talk to your dad’s doc about meds for agitation/mood before he goes to MC. He probably will never be happy about it but you tell him he can come home when he can perform his ADLs for the doctor. Then you’re not the bad guy. I wish him a peaceful transition, with realistic expectations.

My friend had to move mom into a MC. This is what they did:
1. found the right place
2. hired persons to move familiar furniture/furnishings in to said place having them place items in similar set up as home. Placing chair in a similar spot according to tv, bed in a similar direction when entering the room etc.
3. coordinated with hired persons and staff which day it would be
4. took mother on a day trip ride with lunch and something easy to do
5 returned "home" stating "great to be home. I'm so glad to be home. This is so comfortable to be home"
Hope this helps -blessings to you

My mom’s transition was difficult but more related to her personality. She was an introvert. However, as soon as she moved, she did not remember my home, where she had lived for over 5 years. I think she would have adjusted quicker had she moved when her dementia had not progressed so far. Sometimes the stage of dementia can have a large impact on the adjusting. But, if you read many comments on the forum, there are examples of easy transitions. It is highly dependent on his personality and the stage he is in, in my opinion.

in terms of “tricks”, the room had all of her things. I even had the same bedspread, pictures and personal items that were in my home. I tried to make it so familiar that it would make her less frightened. I hung many pictures and put the names of each person on the frame so she could see them and know who they were.

It is not easy. I wish you the best during this difficult time.