I'm an only daughter turning 40 this year. My mother, aged 70, has no other relatives nor social connections really. She has several health issues, apart from suffering from depression. I've been very much on top of everything for her for the last five years (health, medication, paperwork, errands, general problem-solving), until recently actually; I went no contact a couple of months ago, with her and my father (he was 94 and died a month ago).
The last ten years of my life have been intensely stressful, for several reasons, and even though things have improved recently, I feel the toll of this last decade: I'm tired, and mostly, I've become absolutely, ridiculously unable to cope with stress (it causes me to cease to function).
My mother has always relied heavily on me emotionally, since I was a child (my father started having a serious affair that would go on for thirty years); during my childhood, I was always alone with my mother, she was understandably depressed and stressed; the atmosphere at home, her fights with my father, my father's shame and emotional distance, my mother's tears and anger at him, how isolated we were, and all she used to tell me about how he was "abandoning us", how precarious "our" situation was, plus all the details about their sexual life I would hear from her, it still feels like being in a nightmare when I remember it.
As a teenager, it was worse in a way, as she was clinging onto me and lashing out often (and randomly: not always) when I tried to do things outside the house, see friends, or have some time to myself. It was truly awful, and I was deeply unhappy and lonely.
I moved out when I was 18, and since then it's been ongoing work to keep pushing back, as she's continued to want more contact and closeness than is healthy. I moved abroad in my mid twenties, and I got married, which made things easier.
I often thought I'd take care of my mother when she's old (because, who else?), thought there would be no choice (very vague thoughts of course). Well now she's old. She retired five years ago and the scares and emergencies started. Some of them were related to her pain medication (opioids for chronic, severe back pain), some others due to her anxiety (catastrophic thinking, 20 missed calls in the time of a shower even when nothing was the matter, the often heard "your father is dying!"), other problems were financial (my parents had a very good income while they worked, and huge savings, but they were also extravagant and didn't plan; they ended up with zero savings, a tiny pension and a house that is expensive to maintain, a car they couldn't afford nor give up, seven cats and several important health issues - they wouldn't go to rehab, wouldn't watch their diet, wouldn't exercise, wouldn't stop overspending, etc.).
I started traveling monthly to visit them (from the UK to Spain), and when the pandemic hit and travel became impossible, they seemed to get so much worse mentally, but I had no real visibility, it was agony... So much so that as soon as the lockdown was lifted, my husband and I moved to Spain, into my parents' house, as a start. The more hands on caregiving started, but it wasn't going to last more than six months.
My parents were unhappy with their limited income, with their failing health and loss of mobility (my mother is severely overweight), with their social isolation. They exhibited behaviors that were puzzling, and very difficult for me to deal with; I started to wonder if they had always been that way, or if something else was at play.
My husband kept his old job, working remotely, and he tried to help financially. My husband's visa application, the recognition of my foreign university degrees, the rules of the ongoing partial lockdowns, the countless doctor's appointments (for my parents, but also for my husband's health problems), required constant attention.
I'm running out of space to write, I'll see if I can continue in a separate message.
You are being over-generous in your assessment of her past problems. She could have taken control of her own life many many years ago, and it’s on her that she chose the cage.
She is 70. She may have ‘several health issues’ (all our bodies wear out, so there’s always something going wrong), but nothing particularly serious. She needs (very badly) to grow up and look after herself. She doesn’t have the need or the money for AL, so that’s probably not an option. If you try to maintain her cage, it will destroy you. It will quite probably destroy your marriage too, as your husband has already had his own life turned on its head and he can see your mother’s writing on the wall.
My suggestion is that you and your husband go home. Your story is that hHis work no longer works on remote, and you are becoming ill. M sorts herself out. Social services are hard when you don’t speak the language and you aren’t a local, so she will probably follow you. At that point you definitely leave her to ‘the system’ for her care. Tough for her, but no tougher than many other people have it. She may even need to find a job!!!!!
Time take your best years back, since your parents had theirs already. You have served your over-dependent Mom too long already! What has she done totally selfless and good for YOU? They did what they wanted, ignored advice and depended on their daughter to be their caregiver slave. Did they make similar sacrifices to YOU all these years?
Get whatever therapy you need, to restore your freedom and make yourself and husband the priority. You still have the prime years ahead to be free and happy. Make it count...you won't get a second chance!
Step out and stay back! You have happiness ahead and truly deserve it.
What a shame that your mother didn’t have the wherewithal to seek therapy for herself in her situation with your dad. If she had she could have raised you properly. Sadly, you grew up in a very difficult household.
Nor is the responsibility of her life now, yours to carry. Consider speaking with a therapist to help sort out your emotions regarding your mother’s care.
Wishing you peace. You deserve it.
You were parentified by her at a very young age as I was by my mother and that is a form of child abuse.
Your mother has to grow the hell up. You cannot be her everything. You're not supposed to be.
The hysterical "emergencies" and other nonsense are something I call Abusive Neediness. Your mother, like mine has weaponized her own neediness and used it to manipulate and control your life.
Both of your parents are guilty of abuse. Your mother for forcing you to be her parent and your father for neglecting you and not protecting you from her insanity.
How your mother was ever able to hold down a job for more than five minutes being like you describe?
I've walked in your shoes sister and a few years ago I couldn't handle the slightest stress either. Not until I set boundaries with my mother and through therapy let myself be released from th F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) that she laid on me since I was a little kid.
You can still have a relationship with your mother, but it has to be on YOUR terms and guilt-free. If that means you go back to the UK then be it. She can get a roommate or a paid companion to live with her.
You cannot allow her depression, anxiety, misery, and self-pity to be your life anymore.
You should not be supporting them financially . They blew away money, that’s on them . I’m glad you are trying to get social services to relieve you of some of this .
I know it’s hard but , you have absolutely done the right thing by moving out and stepping back . Your parents should not be depending on you for everything. Your parents have got it wrong by being so demanding of you .
Seek counseling, you should not be feeling guilt over this . You are not their servant . I know how you feel , I too was groomed to be my mother’s servant .
Leaving is a good step to stopping this unhealthy dynamic . Keep going in the right direction from being under their thumb. I wish you well.
Your mother is unhappy with her loss of mobility yet doesn't lose weight? They're unhappy about living on a limited income? Yeah, so am I so I was selling on eBay to make extra money before I got sick. Maybe they were always this way, disgruntled, but more so now that age and the disease of chronic complaining has set in, as it does for many older folks. I guess they figured it was YOUR job to provide them with the financial and inner happiness they've been unable to achieve themselves? Like if mom threw a big enough fit she knew she'd get you to do whatevvvvvver she wanted you to do? Bog you down in SUCH FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) that you'd be her slave in her old age? With no thought whatsoever to YOUR awful state of mind? How wretched.
And here YOU are feeling like the bad guy, reaching out for help and advice because others have it worse than you? I'm here to tell you YOU'VE got it pretty bad, my friend! You've every right to complain and question your parents motives here! This is NOT how normal, emotionally healthy parents of 70 conduct themselves! If mother is depressed, get on antidepressants and quit using food to escape her issues which is causing MORE issues in the long run. Start taking responsibility for herself, as a grown adult, and quit expecting her daughter to swoop in and save the day over manufactured crises! Pick up the phone and call for professional help to fix the net or YouTube it or call the provider, there's an idea!
You did the right thing, imo, by moving further away and escaping the FOG. I dealt with a mentally unstable, personality disordered mother for 64 years of my life. The anxiety and distress she caused me over the years, I could write a book. The only answer is strong BOUNDARIES. Set them down and stick to them like glue bc these women look for any tiny cracks to sneak back in thru and ruin your life. Read the site BarbBrooklyn recommends, outofthefog.com, it's excellent. And start taking care of YOU and hubby now, it's past time. And it's way past time your folks start taking care of themselves, too! Don't project their future right now....just get back to good health YOURSELF!
Best of luck to you
This is the correct link to the website recommended
Me, I would stay out of it, let social services handle your mother. She is not going to change, it is you who must.
Your relationship will never be right sometimes with parents that is the case.
I haven't spoken to my mother for 13 years, it was either her or me...I chose me.
Her toxic behavior was ruining my life, I was done.
Wish you the very best!
Messed up family dynamics...can you believe I hadn't realized they were? until I saw it written in your reply and AlvaDeer's.
My parents simply didn't realize; they didn't see how much financial help they were getting nor how busy and exhausted I was. I was the only one driving, cleaning, cooking, and doing paperwork, I was present (and made) at all the doctor's appointments (my husband doesn't speak Spanish, and my parents wouldn't go if I didn't take them; there were police checks on the roads due to the lockdowns and every time I had to explain why there were several people in the car and where we were going). My husband was working all day long. It was as if my parents lived in a parallel world.
My father was unhappy that my husband and I would go out on weekends (when possible, even if for a long, long walk), or that we didn't sit with them for long meals (time!). We'd hear the b*tching from the next room, with the occasional racist remark (my father hadn't acted that way before; my husband is from South India). They wouldn't like/eat what I cooked for them, they'd make noise all night long, they'd accumulate parking fines, leave the heating on and the windows open, my father wanted to go to the restaurant for every second meal (he wouldn't really eat otherwise), all this had to be paid for, dealt with.
After two months of no sleep I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on anxiety medication. My mother mostly sided with my father, even if mostly passively. I couldn't believe it, they seemed so irresponsible and suddenly also entitled, and were leaning on us so heavily, wouldn't do anything anymore apart from go out to eat, would ask me to do everything, rely on me for every errand, every phone call. But they seemed to be doing so much better. They no longer knew the detail about their own health issues, I had taken over.
The dementia tests didn't find any problems.
I started to loose my cool, often and severely.
I went to social services, wrote to all the doctors. I either got no reply, or was told not to expect anything (from social services): I was on my own, and no diagnosis, no guidance whatsoever came. I felt there was no end, there was no alternative.
Until we left, one day to the next, without even saying goodbye. My God, I thought my parents might die; but I met them again a few days later, and they were doing just fine...
My husband and I bought a cheap house (one hour away), an old, cheap, unreliable car, and settled. My parents did their best to repair the relationship, but kept some unreasonable demands (I'd push back).
Since then, I've had the intense worry and the intense fear: what when my parents can truly not cope? How are they neglecting themselves? We stopped paying for most of their expenses. We knew they were often without heating.
My parents have (/had) many qualities I appreciate, and there was always plenty that was good in them. My mother has been truly unlucky and I understand most of her choices and shortcomings. They were not awful people in any way. I don't think it's the most extreme case. I see so many people on this forum who are in much worse situations, who have done and are still doing so much more than I have. People whose parents are, were, truly abusive. These people have the strength to go on and to be there for their parents. I do feel like a flimsy thing.
Two months ago, my mother called in panic: Internet down. I HAD to drive over and check if the cable was disconnected. If not, I HAD to call the Internet provider + I HAD to be there again the day the engineer came to fix the problem: to open the door for him. I offered to send our electrician (at our cost), I suggested she ask the neighbor (who has helped before). Her reaction, some excuses and plenty of sobbing and guilt tripping. It makes me angry and heartbroken. After two more similar calls, a few days during which I couldn't function, I blocked her number.
I wrote again to social services; they finally contacted her, but I've had no more news.
Any perspectives, thoughts?
I feel sad and sorry. But zero stress..
You have described a very complex and unhealthy family dynamic here, one that is going to require more than a few words from strangers on a Forum who do not know either you or your parents well.
I can only suggest you seek psychological counseling and wish you well.