Any more suggestions?

Perhaps you and your sister should be very clear with your mother that you cannot support her if she quits her job. If you avoid the subject your mother might go ahead and quit anyway assuming you'll rescue her. But if you and your sister use this threat to have a conversation about your mother's finances, then you all may be better off by knowing what resources you're dealing with for her longterm care needs. Good luck!

Elmo, look at the comments on your last thread that you started in December. You cannot pay for your mother. You cannot live with your mother. You have done so much for your mother already. A good parent does not task an adult with your problems with taking care of them. If you want things to change, you have to change. Think of how good you felt when you weren't being drained. Please take care of you.

The suggestions will be the same sweetie, because the problem is the same... no of course it isn't easy to tell her no... but in some ways, this is about "picking your pain'. the pain of dealing with telling her no and possible have no contact for awhile, or the pain of continuing the same ways with her.... no it's not easy, but neither is being stressed about this... she has always worn you down in the past, she has no reason to believe this will be any different.... and yes, you will feel guilty, so what, that shouldn't keep you from doing what is right for you and your family, or you will be feeling guilt about them also... pick your pain... stand your ground and go no contact..... let us know how things are with you... praying for you to have the courage to say NO and mean it.

You already know what the answer should be. "Hell no." Say it. Mean it. Stick to it.

She behaves like a little kid having a tantrum when she hears "no"? How is that your problem? You did not raise her. You have no responsibility for her behavior. Walk away. Hang up. If tantrums work, why on earth would she ever stop having them? Don't enable her.

Just say, "Hell no."

Just say no. Do not answer her calls, block her number if she becomes too persistent.

I was a very timid person who walked most of the time looking down. I would talk to people without looking into their eyes. A friend still remembers the time, I was literally shaking as I forced myself to look at a man straight in the face while talking to him. I taught myself to to use the mirror to overcome my shyness. I was shocked when I tried to talk to my mirror self in the eyes - that I could Not do that. So,I kept practicing until I was able to look in my eyes and not stutter or stop. I then started talking and Smiling at me until I was finally comfortable. This was when I was in my early 20's.

I think you need to do the same. Practice saying NO in the mirror. Look at yourself in the eyes and play role. If it helps, get a recorder and pretend to be your mother. Play your mother's words, pause it - and you reply (still looking in the mirror), "No, mom. I will NOT support you if you quit your job. I will NOT give you money. Bye, mom." Then hang up. Or you can also tape a photo of your mom and practice those words to her face.

Once you hang up, don't answer the phone. If an emergency happens, your mom would contact your sister, who can contact you. Or turn on the answering machine and then you can screen her messages.

Since you have problem saying no and keeping it as a No, I don't suggest visiting your mother any time soon.

The issue is not that I CAN'T say no. I have told her no many times. And she backs off for a while. But then she starts up again. I HAVE told her no and she throws a fit like a 2 year old. Then she and I get along fine again for a while and then she tries it again. I don't live anywhere near here so I have no plans on visiting her.

You say No.
She throws a fit.
You keep saying No.

Boring, yes. But better than giving her money, or false hope that you'll support her.

No.
Fit. Guilt Trip. Anger. Accusations.
No.

Just keep at it.

Come here and vent. "Awk! My mother is at it again! This is terrible!" We sympathize. We can encourage you to stick to your guns.

But don't expect any new magic solutions. Ya gotta just keep saying no.

Elmo, just vent. As long as nothing terrible happens, to you or to her, then the toddler tantrums are manageable, are they?

When you ask her why she believes you "will have to send her" this allowance, what does she say? I'm just curious about what's going through her mind. What does she imagine the upside is for you?

Hee! I must send a circular to my three children: "… so naturally you will all wish to contribute by monthly standing order to the Mother Welfare Fund…" I'd love to see their faces.

She does not have a gun asking for you wallet. Say no. She throws a fit, hang up. Be an adult!

She tells me I don't love her, she accuses me of all kinds of stuff when I tell her no. When I told her I would NOT move in with her? She told me "you don't love me, you never do this,etc" She somehow thinks my credit card is hers. She still sees me as a child she can manipulate. When I stand firm she seriously acts shocked like I have slapped her in the face or something. She seems to get it but then as I said, she comes back months later and tries it all over again. She tries to make me feel guilty by saying "I'm not going to be around forever, i raised you better then this,etc".

That is called M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-O-N...and she like many of our elders are expert at it....."I worked so hard to raise you, you owe me" ......time to tune out and move on.....she needs to suck it up and work for a living or be a parasite on somebody else. Live for your future. You deserve it.

Elmo, not sure if your mom suffers from mental illness, dementia or both. She certainly does not recognize that you are a person in your own right, not an extension of herself. She imagines that she has control over you, the way she has control over her own limbs. That's why the "no" is so shocking; it's as though a piece of her own body no longer works.

You can go and get yourself some therapy or counseling to find out effective ways to deal with her behavior and so that you don't feel quite so wounded by it. But the bottom line is, you MUST say no to her, for your good and hers.

"Mom, I love you, but I can't afford to send you any money. That's the way things are. Can I help you apply for Medicaid?"

"No mom, the fact that I can't give you money doesn't mean I don't love you. It means that I need everything I earn to take care of myself and save for my retirement. If you can't work anymore, have you applied for Social Secuity?"

Say these things in a business - like way. You don't need to apologize or wheedle. If she doesn't "get" that this is the way things work, then that's sad, but in no way for you to make right.

She does work. At least until January. She is on social security as well. I don't know what she spends her money on so I can't say for sure if she is buying things she does not need. I do know she has 3 dogs and she cooks their food! I don't know how expensive that is but it can't be cheap.She does have Medicare as well. For heavens sake her RENT is cheaper then mine. She does this to my siblings as well so it is not just me.

When you answer the phone, adopt a neutral tone and say un-huh a lot. Except when she asks for money. When she asks for money say "the doorbell is ringing mom, love you, gotta go" and hang up. Don't allow her to upset you or your budget.

Um. I wouldn't say this about somebody else's mother; but if you described to me a person who tells other people that they should give her their money and provide her with housing, like it's a given or something, and appears to have lost all connection with the real world and its reasonable expectations, I would say that that person is as mad as a hatter.

Well. One thing she did get right about how she raised you was that you have not lost touch with reality. Long may you keep your grip. Do you think she might be talking for effect, sounding off just to pick a fight with you or something?

elmo, I am probably one of the world's biggest pushovers, but this one would be easy even for me. I would probably first burst out laughing at her request, then say, "Oh, for a moment I thought you were serious." If she said she was serious, I would say, "Why would I ever want to do that?" And if she got mad and said I didn't love her, I would say that I wouldn't want her love if I had to buy it.

What a strange request. I wouldn't let it make me feel guilty at all, because it is weird. And if your mother persists, maybe it is what you should tell her. Or maybe you could tell her that she could divide out money to give to you kids every month so it won't accumulate and get all dusty in the bank. (Not serious here, but you can joke at her to take the edge off the conversation.)

Well I may have just dodged a bullet. My mom called me tonight to tell me that she is engaged. So if she gets married she would share expenses with this guy and that would take the burden off of me.I am being cautious though as the last guy she was engaged to croaked before they married.Praying this does not happen a second time.

Elmo, marriage for Mom? What do you know about this man? There afe so many considerations at any age, but even more so when we get older. Is he situated ok financially? We know mom is not. Do they have to get married or can they just shack up? My mom did that for a year and a half before they married on her 80th birthday. Why the birthday? So she would always remember their anniversary. HA! If she only knew.

If they marry, both have to be very careful with money especially with gifts because Medicaid will penalize one on the basis of gifts given by the other. And a benefit, if L lives one more year Mom's social security will increase. Oh, and Medicaid does not gove a flip about prenup agreements.

I don't know much about him. She told me a bit. He is on social security like her but he also gets disability so between the two of them they would do okay. they would not be rich but they would manage. She is Mormon so no she would never shack up with anyone because we don't believe in that before marriage. they would not do a prenup either. What gifts? My mom does not have medicaid. Only medicare.

Elmo sounds like your mom has found a new focus for her loneliness and desire for company. Good for her and you! Take care of yourself and build a happy life for yourself.

I'll believe it when I see it. Oh Elmo. Your mother doesn't half give you the run around. You should write this all down for a TV series - you'd make enough to keep your mother in mink coats and Champagne 'til the end of her days. Hugs, and I do hope it all works out for them - just don't count on this being the end of the story, eh?

Just a question: my understanding of Mormon ethics is extremely limited, but is there something in scripture that might explain her extraordinary claims on your resources?

No. In fact the church recommends that you stay out of debt and so on. There is nothing about mooching off your kids. The church is willing to help you out of needed. They have done it with both my sister and me when we needed help. My mom just won't ask them for help.

That's interesting. I can't help wondering whether if she needed the help, rather than just felt the need to needle you into helping her, she'd ask. She does keep you well supplied with drama, doesn't she?!

Are you sure this Marriage isn't some ploy to get you to go out to her state or her "nuptials", just to see if she can manipulate you to come to her, a trap? When did you start hearing about This Guy? It seems sort of sudden! Be afraid, be very careful!

What ploy? She knows I am not moving out there. I told her in no uncertain terms months earlier that I was not going to do it. She said they have been talking and such for a while so it's not all of the sudden. She can't force me to move there and she knows it.

Emo, I am glad to hear that!

Elmo.. maybe next time she tries this.. cut her off and tell you hate to ask, but you and hubs need some financial help... and you want / need her to send you some money every month. With the crappy economy and all.. Maybe from her cc... LOL Probably wont work.. but might be worth a chuckle or two..

I would go with my sister or other siblings, and sort of 'gang up' on her.....about her finances. And do it before this 'marriage'. She is not on Medicaid yet, but she or he may need it before they die!! You have to put your financial plans in place, and if she doesn't want YOU or your siblings to know what she has, or whether or not she has her will, trust, POA paperwork or anything else worked out already (even funeral and burial plans) then I would suggest to her it is time to pay for a planning session with an elder care attorney, so that the lawyer can go over all her financial stuff, investments, etc, and help her see what needs to be in place, BEFORE a marriage, to safeguard her for the rest of her life. Should she marry, and a few months later have a stroke, or develop Alzheimer's does she think a new husband will be there to care for her and support her the rest of her life? COULD he be interested mostly in her assets or looking for a 'free ride' for himself.... does he have health issues to where he's on the verge of needing his own caretaker for the rest of HIS life? This all sounds cynical, but from what I've read on this site, happens more than any of us thought possible!! IF she thinks you kids have to give her money, when she's been working and is still on SS...then I would be calling her on that, and saying she needs someone to look at her finances to help her create a plan to live the rest of her life, with or without a new husband!! If she has assets....then she needs to tap into them and take care of herself and you kids need to tell her that your lives go on for many years after hers.....and you need to stick to your financials plans for your own well being in retirement! Something is not right here.... otherwise, she is simply a narcissistic abusive mother who thinks everyone's lives revolve around meeting all her needs, and she still needs that session with an elder care attorney to get her affairs lined out so she can take care of herself!