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Well after months of NOT having to deal with my mother and her asking for money? She calls me the other day. We started off fine talking about other things. And then she says "I need you think about some things" and I thought "Oh no" Then she tells me that she is quitting her job in January and "I will need money from you every month". I can't believe her! People say "Just tell her no" easier said then done! When you tell my mom "no"? It's like she's a toddler having a tantrum screaming "You don't love me" when she does not get what she wants. I love her but I am my wits end. Even my sister when I told her sent me a frownie face because she has dealt with this too. Her sister who lives nearby is of NO help. So asking her is pointless.I don't know what else to do.She just is persistent. She asked about my credit card and I refused to tell her how much was on it. But that didn't stop her. She thinks I should just send her money every month using MY credit card. Hell no.

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Elmo, look at the comments on your last thread that you started in December. You cannot pay for your mother. You cannot live with your mother. You have done so much for your mother already. A good parent does not task an adult with your problems with taking care of them. If you want things to change, you have to change. Think of how good you felt when you weren't being drained. Please take care of you.
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You already know what the answer should be. "Hell no." Say it. Mean it. Stick to it.

She behaves like a little kid having a tantrum when she hears "no"? How is that your problem? You did not raise her. You have no responsibility for her behavior. Walk away. Hang up. If tantrums work, why on earth would she ever stop having them? Don't enable her.

Just say, "Hell no."
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You say No.
She throws a fit.
You keep saying No.

Boring, yes. But better than giving her money, or false hope that you'll support her.

No.
Fit. Guilt Trip. Anger. Accusations.
No.

Just keep at it.

Come here and vent. "Awk! My mother is at it again! This is terrible!" We sympathize. We can encourage you to stick to your guns.

But don't expect any new magic solutions. Ya gotta just keep saying no.
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elmo, I am probably one of the world's biggest pushovers, but this one would be easy even for me. I would probably first burst out laughing at her request, then say, "Oh, for a moment I thought you were serious." If she said she was serious, I would say, "Why would I ever want to do that?" And if she got mad and said I didn't love her, I would say that I wouldn't want her love if I had to buy it.

What a strange request. I wouldn't let it make me feel guilty at all, because it is weird. And if your mother persists, maybe it is what you should tell her. Or maybe you could tell her that she could divide out money to give to you kids every month so it won't accumulate and get all dusty in the bank. (Not serious here, but you can joke at her to take the edge off the conversation.)
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Elmo. The never ending soap opera of your mother's life, in her narrative of it anyway, would drive me to drink if she were mine. You really do have my earnest sympathy.

Just one thing, though. Promise me, please, that you will Stop Being Surprised. You *know* she's going to do this. Find a place you can take your head to where you just hear her latest piece of melodrama as if it were a play on the radio - not your life, not even real life. This is Planet Mother.

So, then you keep listening to the endless episodes: so that one day, if the real person rather than the character needs your help, you'll hear that message too. You're there In Case. But you don't let her drama be your life - it's just something you have on in the background.
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The suggestions will be the same sweetie, because the problem is the same... no of course it isn't easy to tell her no... but in some ways, this is about "picking your pain'. the pain of dealing with telling her no and possible have no contact for awhile, or the pain of continuing the same ways with her.... no it's not easy, but neither is being stressed about this... she has always worn you down in the past, she has no reason to believe this will be any different.... and yes, you will feel guilty, so what, that shouldn't keep you from doing what is right for you and your family, or you will be feeling guilt about them also... pick your pain... stand your ground and go no contact..... let us know how things are with you... praying for you to have the courage to say NO and mean it.
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Um. I wouldn't say this about somebody else's mother; but if you described to me a person who tells other people that they should give her their money and provide her with housing, like it's a given or something, and appears to have lost all connection with the real world and its reasonable expectations, I would say that that person is as mad as a hatter.

Well. One thing she did get right about how she raised you was that you have not lost touch with reality. Long may you keep your grip. Do you think she might be talking for effect, sounding off just to pick a fight with you or something?
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Perhaps you and your sister should be very clear with your mother that you cannot support her if she quits her job. If you avoid the subject your mother might go ahead and quit anyway assuming you'll rescue her. But if you and your sister use this threat to have a conversation about your mother's finances, then you all may be better off by knowing what resources you're dealing with for her longterm care needs. Good luck!
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I was a very timid person who walked most of the time looking down. I would talk to people without looking into their eyes. A friend still remembers the time, I was literally shaking as I forced myself to look at a man straight in the face while talking to him. I taught myself to to use the mirror to overcome my shyness. I was shocked when I tried to talk to my mirror self in the eyes - that I could Not do that. So,I kept practicing until I was able to look in my eyes and not stutter or stop. I then started talking and Smiling at me until I was finally comfortable. This was when I was in my early 20's.

I think you need to do the same. Practice saying NO in the mirror. Look at yourself in the eyes and play role. If it helps, get a recorder and pretend to be your mother. Play your mother's words, pause it - and you reply (still looking in the mirror), "No, mom. I will NOT support you if you quit your job. I will NOT give you money. Bye, mom." Then hang up. Or you can also tape a photo of your mom and practice those words to her face.

Once you hang up, don't answer the phone. If an emergency happens, your mom would contact your sister, who can contact you. Or turn on the answering machine and then you can screen her messages.

Since you have problem saying no and keeping it as a No, I don't suggest visiting your mother any time soon.
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Elmo, just vent. As long as nothing terrible happens, to you or to her, then the toddler tantrums are manageable, are they?

When you ask her why she believes you "will have to send her" this allowance, what does she say? I'm just curious about what's going through her mind. What does she imagine the upside is for you?

Hee! I must send a circular to my three children: "… so naturally you will all wish to contribute by monthly standing order to the Mother Welfare Fund…" I'd love to see their faces.
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