Any men here who are the main caregiver for sick parents ?

@Exceemon "if I lose my fiancee whilst caring for my mum....I don't think I could ever forgive my sibblings."

(Gently) Why could you not ever forgive them? You are allowing their expectations to rule your life.

There is a huge amount of emotional stuff surrounding dealing with family -- even during easy times. This is not an easy time.

What kind of positive answer are you seeking?

Your mother is only 69. She may well live another 20 years with Parkinson's if she is committed to doing the hard work of living with the disease i.e. daily exercise, medication management, good nutrition, positive outlook, etc. Do you want to live your life around your mother for 20 years?

"I often end up arguing with my family, because they expect me to be at Mom's side 24/7..." It does not matter one bit that you are a doctor. Expecting anyone to be a caregiver is wrong. That is a very personal decision - for a man or a woman - and only you can make it.

Your mother's needs will only increase. You may not get to practice medicine, you may lose your fiance, and you may bankrupt your own future if you succumb to the fear, obligation and guilt that is being thrown at you by your siblings, who already have their lives, now don't they?

Please, don't become your mother's caregiver. My ex-husband became his parents' full-time caregiver several years ago. His siblings were happy to have him do so. Why wouldn't they be? This "job" was a major factor in the destruction of my marriage. I think that a person's spouse and children should be the person's top priority. My ex made his parents his top priority and was encouraged to do so by his dad (his mom has Alzheimer's disease and didn't know what was going on) and his siblings.

How can you do the work of "being at my Mom's side 24/7" and do the work of "being a doctor?" Doctors often work very long hours. Who is with your Mom when you are not?
To be frank, I would not marry a man who was taking care of his mother in his home. While I might thing that love can overcome all, I do know that one the blush is off the rose it would be me sitting at home while my doctor husband was off being a doctor, certainly at least one half of the time.
I don't consider it worth argument. I would simply say that I was sorry, but I intended to have a life now, that I was a newly graduated doctor and would be hard at work developing my practice,that I was marrying, and my wife didn't sign up for me and Mom but for me.
I would hope that Mom would have excellent placement in care and visits by the entire family. But no one in the family is required by obligation, by job,by guilt or by anything else to do hands on care. Mom may well and easily live at least another 20 years, just as NY DaughterInLaw says. During that time, you and your wife may actually raise several children. That will be plenty to do right there.

So...... "If the wife is caring for her mother" the husband should just accept it and be strong and supportive
but if
husband is caring for his mother, then he is failure as a husband ?" Why are the rules different if it's the man who has the sick parent ? I really wish there were some men here to tell give me some advice on how to balance this.

Sigh...in any case I have made the small step of moving out of my parents' house. I still visit very often, but I make it a point of duty to not spend the night.

I think the "rules" should be the same for women and men and for wives, husbands, and unmarried folks. And if I were making the rules, they'd include the following: 1) A person with a disability or an illness should receive care from paid caregivers, if possible. 2) No one should be a caregiver 24/7. 3) Family caregivers who are in relationships should prioritize their partners and children, not the people to whom they're providing care. 4) Every available family member should contribute to caregiving, with time and hands-on care, money, decision-making, and supporting the other caregivers.

Your fiancee wants to be assured that she is number 1 in your life. Loosing her will only be your fault, not the fault of your siblings. Does your mother have any money or qualify for Medicaid to set her up in some sort of facility like assisted living, etc. Her condition may plateau, but it is not going to get better, only worse. You probably don't want to hear this but you must decide emotionally who you want to be married to? Some men are emotionally married to their moms and thus can't get married. Don't let that be you. Oh, the same goes true of some women also like my wife before she got her freedom.

What does your mom have to say about this arrangement? Just curious.

Exvee,

Im a 65 year old man. Went through caring long distance for parents with no sibs, no help.

whether you’re a man or woman has little to do with the challenges of elder caregiving. It most often falls to the women in the family.

I don’t have an easy answer for you. You mom will get worse through the years. You have no choice but to stand up to your sibs and demand your life. She needs paid caregivers in her home or placed in a facility.

There is is no shame in this. No one, male or female should ever be forced or guilt tripped into giving up a marriage, career and life for caregiving.

I took care of my mom, very short stint, 6 months, easy compared to a lot here, and it tore me up. It didn't help that my father pretty much gave up after it. I went through 2+ years of grief, trying to get him to start living, he is, finally, and PTSD, because, well, I worked for a control-freak boss, who, thankfully, is no longer my boss. If anyone's ever dealt with that, really dealt with that, they know it's a form of near constant violation.

Note, it's been 2+ years since she passed.

Trying to take this on yourself, and a career, is a form of suicide. The rest of the family needs to get involved or you need paid caregivers. Despite what doctor's think, they aren't experts in everything, and most of the decisions you make in this process aren't medical, per se, they are logistical, financial, caring, etc. You have some extra experience because you are in the system but that doesn't justify you taking on all of the work.

Good luck with it.

A good friend of mine (man) cared for his mom for 3 years with the help of one home care person (also a man). He did fine, but he did not have another job. My son helped me care for my mom for 4 months out of the 7 years I took on. He was really too young to do it long term. There is no difference whether man or woman. Care giving is difficult, especially when it is for family. You most certainly cannot do it alone. Find home care for her that you can oversee and visit her often to make sure all is going as well as possible. And live your life.

Thanks for all the responses... many of them quite frank and candid. Hmm....yea I guess as the last sibling I still see my older brothers as "always right" so whenever I tell them no, I feel guilty about it.....sigh.

I moved out for some time out. Was in medical practice. Cared for 27 years and worked - last 16 was when it got really tough. It’s possible but hard if siblings opt out / use excuses. Partner understanding (for the most part though got frustrated at rest of my family at times.)

Sibling took remaining parent for 3 days over Christmas for 3 years till they weren’t able to manage the stairs.

But yeah, on call 24/7 re parents and an average day was up 0530 - finish work around 1700 -1800 care till 2300 go home do reports etc bed at 0130 - up at 0530 again... if not alerted earlier that there was an issue with a parent. ...