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I used to work but since my fathers health condition has gotten worse, he will not allow anyone else to care for him but me. I've had to quit my job and have depleted my funds. My father receives ssd, but he will not part with any, I am at my wits ends, I love him and want him to be happy by keeping him at home, but I can't afford it much longer. What can I do? Are there any resources for me?

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ChrisC, if you're in Dunedin, I'd start with getting help at your local VA medical facility. Get a doctor aware of the situation and your dad can qualify for home visits. Ask the staff for the local VA social worker's contact info and run the situation by the social worker, too. They may have additional resources for you. For that matter, contacting non-VA elderly social workers in your area would be a resource for you in finding ways to get help for your father in his home where you don't have to be the one providing the help.

Disabled American Veterans is the assistance group I referred to in previous post. They have a website (dav dot org) and a regional office in St. Petersburg. They will help you free of charge to get services/benefits your father qualifies for.

Ok, good luck to you! I thought I'd follow up with more specific info about how you might go about getting assistance through VA.
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Who;s home are you in? I thought maybe his... and the division of care is antiquated. You wife needs to tell him.. you messed it , you clean it! You don;t say dad has ALZ. what medical issues does he have? And make him help out finacially.. no one should have to replace 7 recliners in 5 months at thier own expence.. let him try sitting in a plastic lawn chair.Then you can hose him off. I;m not really kidding here... Do you have POA? If not, that is requirement one for taking care of him. I agree with FreqF..time to take command! and try male CGs
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My father would not pay for any caregiver to come in. He does have disability rating with VA. I've been able to get him home nurse visits through his doctors at VA and once the nurse comes in, if he/she sees need, they can report back to VA docs and at least part of the burden for caring for him can be handled through the VA. Perhaps they can do much more. The first step is to get him a primary care doc through VA. Is there a facility in your area he has gone to before? Can you make an appointment with the geriatrics/specialty clinic there? If it's a smaller facility, the regular doctor will suffice, too. It might be difficult to make an appointment without a "symptom," perhaps you can just be honest and say your dad is showing signs of incontinence? If he is doing it purposefully, hopefully an appointment made with a doctor about it will embarrass him enough to get him to stop - or - he may be genuinely losing sensation in that area and can't tell when he has to go? The doctor should be able to help you sort it out.

Also, there are social workers available with the VA. There are also outside agencies that work with families of veterans to obtain the services that the vet is entitled to but may not be aware of.

I don't see why your father wouldn't qualify for home nurse visits like my father does but it starts with a doctor's appointment through the VA.
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Chris, get yourself and your wife out of this dysfunctional situation. Your dad needs more help than any one caregiver can give.
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I think he wants you to get a job Chris. Plan your own future. Do it.
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Sometimes one has to use tough love, otherwise the parent becomes spoiled. Since your Dad still has his wits about him, and he's a former Vet, he will understand *your house, your rules*.

Tell him he has 2 choices.... choice 1 is paying for Aids to come into the home to help out.... choice 2 is relocating to Assistant Living. Let him make the choice. As for the Aids, get male helpers, maybe someone who is former military, it would be tough to thrown them out.
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fregflyer, My father has that "selective memory", he's demanding and mean, my wife and I have separate "chores" he will allow us to do, My wife is trusted with certain things and I others. He will pee on the recliner just to get more attention, (7) recliners in 5 months! (not just pee). My wife is "allowed" to clean it up, I do the cooking, He will not allow anyone in the house, we set up home health aids and he has meanly thrown them out. There are many, many other things than this, but I could write a book about it. He will not go in to a AL facility and we are afraid of what would happen if we left him alone. I don't know, we love him, but times are just getting harder and harder. He's mean and nasty, yet he will be very nice to my wife (at times), Oh, the things he does and has done, would shock this whole forum. We're just tired and I appreciate being able to vent. Thank you.
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ChrisC, since your Dad has memory issues he probably doesn't realize he needs to help the household by pay for thing. And as you may know, memory issues just get worse, not better.

Does the VA has an elder care home that your Dad could move into? That way you can get back into the work force and start planning for your own retirement fund. Otherwise you will be doing the work of 3 daily full-time Caregivers, and that will be exhausting. You need to start planning out what is next.
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Nelson, please note that the posters who write on the website live all over the world. It's not a local website just for your city.
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