You accept it by coming to the realization that you did your very best and that she is now being cared for 24/7 and is safe. And you can now get back to just being her loving husband and advocate and not her 24/7 caregiver. And that is huge, so just enjoy the time you get to spend with her. May God bless and keep you both.
You accept it because you really have no choice. There are few ways for us to accept most of the tragedies of life other than walking through them because there is no way around them. You did this because you had to do it, because you could not go on in care. Not everything can be fixed and you are doing the best you can. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it and it is so very tough for men not to be able to "fix it". I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. You are doing the very best you can.
I felt privileged to have had a great love myself with my wonderful second husband. It's been 22 years since I lost him to cancer, and I've never found anyone else. I try to tell myself how lucky I was to have such a perfect partner.
I have never stopped missing him or thinking about him every day. I try to focus on the happiness we had as much as possible. Most people never have that kind of love. Sorry you are going thru this.
“I did bring her home for 4 days at Christmas but that short time reinforced that I cannot do the caring anymore.” But you are doing the caring for her, it’s just not at home. Since 2014, I’ve been speaking to various community groups about my experience as my wife’s caregiver. I also came to the realization that I had to find my wife a new “home”. This is an excerpt from my talk.
But I promised that I would take care of her. Not some stranger in an institution. “For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part”. Was I abandoning her? Was I reneging on my vows? No. I decided that if I could find her an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.
So, you, too, Gazza1941, are still caring for your wife. Miss her? Certainly!! There’s no way around your loneliness. You say she’s doing well in memory care. Maybe that’s some consolation. So, visit often, hold hands, hug (touch is important), and reminisce.
See if you can find an Alzheimer/dementia support group. Sharing your story with others in the group can be very cathartic. Call the Alzheimer’s Assn hot line to see if there’s a group in your area- 800-272-3900.
I'm so very sorry. It is a testament to her that you miss her so much, and you're fortunate to have had such a good marriage.
I hope you can find gratitude in the fact that you found a place where she has the care she needs. Sending you hugs as you continue on this journey.....
A therapist told me two years ago I was already mourning the person Mark was as he was becoming more and more disabled called "pre-grief". We know how the person was when they were healthy and seeing them decline is terrible for everyone. There are no winners. However, if putting in care keeps her safe and they can provide care one person can't, then this needs to be considered. If it is taking a physical or mental toll on the caregiver, it is something that needs to be done.
We miss the ones we love. We miss being able to be the one to lean on and to help. You will always have some longing, but try to be nice to yourself as hard as it is.
The only real way to ‘accept’ this is to reduce the amount of time you spend thinking about it. Use the time you have ‘saved’ by filling up your own life with things that are enjoyable. Then when you visit your wife, make both of you happier by telling her the interesting things you have done.
Even if she doesn’t completely follow you, you will be focused on happiness rather than just what you both have lost.
You can accept it by allowing yourself to have feelings about it. You shared a life and a home with her for 63 years. Of course you're going to have grief for that part of your life together ending.
There's never a good or easy way to put a person you love into a care facility. You did what was best for her. Your'e going to have mixed feelings about it. Anyone would, but your wife still needs you. She still needs you to spend time with her. She needs you to make sure she's safe and getting good care.
And you can now get back to just being her loving husband and advocate and not her 24/7 caregiver. And that is huge, so just enjoy the time you get to spend with her.
May God bless and keep you both.
I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. You are doing the very best you can.
Of course, you miss her. Everyone should have a husband as sweet and loving as you are!
Sending a million hugs your way!
So sorry it had to come to this for both of you.
I have never stopped missing him or thinking about him every day. I try to focus on the happiness we had as much as possible. Most people never have that kind of love.
Sorry you are going thru this.
But I promised that I would take care of her. Not some stranger in an institution. “For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part”. Was I abandoning her? Was I reneging on my vows? No. I decided that if I could find her an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.
So, you, too, Gazza1941, are still caring for your wife. Miss her? Certainly!! There’s no way around your loneliness. You say she’s doing well in memory care. Maybe that’s some consolation. So, visit often, hold hands, hug (touch is important), and reminisce.
See if you can find an Alzheimer/dementia support group. Sharing your story with others in the group can be very cathartic. Call the Alzheimer’s Assn hot line to see if there’s a group in your area- 800-272-3900.
I hope you can find gratitude in the fact that you found a place where she has the care she needs. Sending you hugs as you continue on this journey.....
We miss the ones we love. We miss being able to be the one to lean on and to help. You will always have some longing, but try to be nice to yourself as hard as it is.
Even if she doesn’t completely follow you, you will be focused on happiness rather than just what you both have lost.
There's never a good or easy way to put a person you love into a care facility. You did what was best for her. Your'e going to have mixed feelings about it. Anyone would, but your wife still needs you. She still needs you to spend time with her. She needs you to make sure she's safe and getting good care.