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Mom 91 yrs old wants to appear in a good light to others, but snipes at me when alone or on phone. Mom pretends or believes we are the best of friends. She has trouble telling the truth or knowing the truth, I'm not sure. Not because of dementia but unhealthy coping skills.


She has caused me profound trouble with my siblings. More on that another time. My anxiety level is extremely high in dealing with her. Something that has caused my anxiety to lower significantly for the last couple of weeks is to not be alone with her or speak on the phone unless the speaker phone is activated and she knows my husband is on with me. She has maintained her sweet and pleasant persona because of this. Phew...for now.


Any ideas on what to answer her when she asks, " honey, can you give me a call so we can talk and catch up with each other?"


[ Implied: when DH is not on the line ]


Snipe: shoot at someone from a hiding place


Fawning: displaying exaggerated flattery or affection









ipes



at

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You’ve done a great job with this! Keep up the speaker every time you speak with her. May want to vary it with whoever is around and available so hubby gets a break, or accept only every third or so call. But the idea you’ve used is working, and as the saying goes, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I think ur doing OK. Love the speaker phone thing. I wouldn't talk to her if DH wasn't around.

I eventually stopped being alone with my MIL after she twisted things I said and talked about to the "Aunts". TG they knew she had a problem with lying (she believed her lies). One of the Aunts is my GFs mother. She knew me before I married her nephew. She would tell her sisters it was untrue. MIL moved to Fla fro NJ. So we only saw her every couple of years when the girls were small and then for a week. She also came off as a sweet lady. But I have been told by some, they saw the other side especially when she didn't get her way. So glad we never had to care for her.

Keep as far away as you can. Boundries!
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Oh no! sounds a lot like my father! You have a good way of dealing with her...speaker phone. I think I would keep conversations short and sweet if you don't use the speaker phone. Good luck!
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Reply to Lorraine11
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Ugh----
so mom says mean and unkind things to you when it's just the 2 of you? And probably no one believed you b/c gosh! she just the cutest sweetest lady around!

My mom was like this w/me for a long time. Until I took the reins and if she gets negative and picky with me I simply leave. I know she tells stories about me behind my back and I don't care.

I don't even SPEAK to my MIL as she is incapable of even trying to be kind to me. There always has to be a major put down in EVERY CONVERSATION.

You can't change that--but I have heard of people who secretly record their conversations with toxic family on their phones and play them back to the "offender"--which seems like payback, but also a little too sneaky for my tastes.

Just walking away--really, as cruel as this seems--sometimes it's the best thing to do.

The sniping I can take over the fake "fawning"----that just makes me grind my teeth. At least the sniping has an element of truth.
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Reply to Midkid58
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