Any experience with the effect on children when family dies at home?

Your husband's death itself will only have a major negative impact on the children if it's a trauma. Whether his death is traumatizing will mostly depend on how the adults act and react whether he dies in the home or in a hospital. The first death or loss a child experiences is difficult and it often determines how they view death for the rest of their lives. Don't push the kids to actually be in the room if they are uncomfortable being there. Treat his death as a loss for you but also a relief that your husband's suffering has ended and he is at peace once again. I was taught that death is the great healing where the soul leaves the broken body and enters heaven where they is no pain or broken brain and where you are greeted by the loves ones who have passed before you. The view that someone is in a better place, pain free and happy has been very comforting when disease has called loved ones home.

I remember I was 16 when my grandfather died. It deeply effected me because I adored him. I considered him to be larger than life.

He meant so so much to me. He was a shipbuilder and would build me all sorts of things. My favorite, a pair of stilts. I absolutely loved them. Became so good at walking in them I could walk around the block on them. All my friends loved them and my loving grandfather built some for them too.

He would take me on errands with him and everyone knew who he was. He made sure they knew me. He always introduced me to everyone he knew and had a way of making me feel important.

He taught me how to garden. He had a green thumb. He grew the most beautiful roses. He told me pearls of wisdom growing up. I just loved him so.

When I saw him dying in the hospital and he didn’t know who I was it nearly destroyed me. I had never experienced that before. So I would say to prepare them for whatever they may see. Take care and God bless you and your family.

Just looked at ages of children. Explanations have to be age appropriate. The oldest one will be able to comprehend the most. The other two are young.

Don’t force anything on them. Let their actions guide you. The child next door said to her mom that she wanted to remember grandpa as he was and her mom did not make her go into be with him in his final hours.

All will miss their grandfather. Grandparents are special.

It doesn't have to be traumatizing. Death is a part of this life we have been given. As a child I was exposed to death as a natural part of the life process. It gave me a greater appreciation for life. I came to appreciate my life and that of others and think of life as precious, because I knew it was not guaranteed or forever. An understanding of the cycle of humanity based on life experience is, in my opinion, precious.
I would suggest treating death as a natural part of the living process. As others have said, let the kids decide how much or how little they are in the room with him. Don't allow adults who may be angry or hysterical to be around the children. Listen to the kids and allow them room to grieve in their own way and on their own timeline. Protect them from the sometimes careless words of others too. I agree with those who said that the children's experience will be primarily based on the way the adults in the household handle things. (hugs) Bless you and your family.

Have you asked the children what they think?

Compared with seeing their lovely grandpa declining into the end stages of dementia, I shouldn't have thought his passing away would be too hard to process. So, assuming that you and your daughter have been able to explain your husband's illness to them and the family has coped well with that, I imagine that when the time comes you will manage just as well. You will find the words.

Don't confront the children with anything they don't expect, but don't shut them away from anything they want to see if it seems appropriate to their respective ages. You're aiming to take away any fear and mysteriousness. Being sad at losing their grandfather is appropriate.

Sorry, what an idiot I am not to think -

Would it be easier for *you* if your husband were transferred for end of life care out of the family home? Would you rather be alone with him in a dedicated hospice facility?

If so, you must tell your daughter that. This is your husband and it's your say.

When my granddaughters’ papa died she wasn’t present for it but she was very upset since it was unexpected and sudden. Her and I had a conversation about how everything that lives dies. I told her this was Mother Natures’ way of ensuring there was always room for new life. I also told her that her papa was watching over her and had no more pain so he was much happier now. This is a conversation that you can start with your grandchildren early, such as when perhaps a loved pet dies or even when planting new flowers in the spring, you can talk about how the old flowers died when their life was over to make room for new flowers. These conversations can help them accept death as a natural part of life making it easier to understand their grandfathers death.

Is your Husband on Hospice? ...(if he is not make that call today)
If so they can help with this.
Have you talked to the grand kids about this? If so what do they think?
It is possible that when he begins to show EOL (end of life)signs he can be take to an In Patient Unit so the children do not have to have his death occur in their home. (This is often done)
Death at home can be very peaceful and truthfully your husband will probably be medicated. Morphine is often used as it is easy to administer to someone that is no longer eating or drinking. This will ease pain morphine is NOT given to hasten death.
My grand kids visited grandpa up until the day before he died and they did not seem to have a problem but they were not there when he died. They knew he was not well and they knew he was going to die.
This is a discussion to have with Hospice Social Worker, possibly the Chaplain definitely your daughter and include the kids in a separate discussion as well. Let them decide if they want to be with Grandpa or not. There is NO right or wrong. If they do not want to be there they can write a letter to him, if they want the letter private to him alone have them put it in an envelope and seal it and give it to your husband.
Tell the truth if they have seen his decline, seen what you and their mom have gone through I would think they would understand that death is just another part of this. They will witness him stopping eating, stopping taking in fluids, the fluids in the throat that make him make the gurgling sounds. all that is a part of the death process. The death itself while it is the final and most heartbreaking part for everyone else it is the easiest for your loved one.
((Hugs)) to you and your family.

The Hospice Home/Place sounds like the best solution when he reaches EOL stage for the grandchildren. You wouldn't want them to be traumatized because it may cause night terrors/nightmares.

My father died at home in 1974 before Hospice. My children were 9 and 11. I had friends that thought it wasn't a good idea for them to "see" it. So, I asked them, I said, "Would you be more comfortable if Grandpa was in the hospital". Children couldn't go to the hospital. They told me that they wanted him at home because they wouldn't be able to see him if he was at the hospital. Every day, they would do their homework in his room, watch television, etc. When he had hallucinations from the morphine, I just explained that he was having a nightmare and he couldn't wake up. We let them know that death was part of life. We went to church and mentioned that this life wasn't all there was. No adult was hysterical, no screaming etc. My mother would watch him during the night while I slept, I watched him during the day. It was good because, the normal running of the house was there. I was not watching him at the hospital, I was there to get the kids off to school, and I was there when they came home. Family and friends came to say goodbye, all was calm and natural. Our doctor would stop by to see how he was.

My daughters are 53 and 55. I just called them to ask if they were traumatized at his death. Both said no, that they learned about death being a part of life. They felt it was a natural thing. They grieved, but were at peace with his passing.

My daughter's sister-in-law's mother recently pulled her own plug in the hospital. There was no hope of her ever going home and she said she didn't want to live that way. Her grandson and my grandson both were 11, they went to the hospital with the adults to say good-bye. My daughter promised Peggy that we would take care of the grandson and daughter for her. Then they left and the doctors let her die. The kids just took it natural.

I believe if the adults don't cause a scene, the kids will be ok. I didn't get to go to my cousin's funeral when I was 12 and he was 8. I always resented my mother for not letting me say goodbye.

This brings back a memory of a great uncle's death. He had died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 66, when I was five. I was told my 8 y/o sister happened to look out the window (at my grandparents' home--the great uncle was my grandfather's brother and neighbor) and remarked "Uncle David is sitting funny in his lawn chair". I was at the viewing; I'm not certain if I was at the funeral. My reaction was basically just "well, okay, there he is now, he's dead" while seeing him in the casket, and that was that. Flowers die, bees die--and so does every other living thing, including people. Obviously I wasn't "traumatized" and deaths, particularly of old people, don't get me upset although I miss the people afterward. I realize everyone's different, but I wonder if people aren't sometimes "overprotective" of children--maybe it's better simply to take cues from the individual children as to what is appropriate for them. I think about what NeedsHelpWithMom said about the 4 year old being furious for not having been allowed to attend.

I was eleven when grandpa died and eight when grandma died. I was allowed to go back at VA hospital and see grandpa, until the moment he died. I wasn't allowed back when he actually passed. My grandma died when I was eight at local Hospital and the whole family, including me was in the room. It was very sad for me, but it introduced what the dying part of life was to me. Individual families must make the decision because you know the kids best. Personally I feel children six and under are just too small to be so up close to the actually "dying" part but given an opportunity to say goodbye. Children are resilient for most part but an emotional child could have issues afterwards. Prayers and blessings.

We have had two relatives die in our home under hospice care a grandmother, and an aunt. I have nine children, when grandmother died everyone was here, except me,children’s ages 19 to 4. When aunt died in December only the 23-year-old was here. Both were under hospice care for many years so the children witnessed the decline and also helped with their care. I believe it helps children See the reality of life and death and the blessing death is when and especially the body is in such decline. In both instances there was a relief in their passing since they had been suffering for so long. It would always be my preference to pass in a home environment over institutionalize dying. have anyone I care for and love to die in the comfort of their own bed and surrounded by those they love in a peaceful home environment.

Both of my parents in-law died at home, and in both cases we still had children in the home. My MIL was at my brother-in-law's home (he had been at our place for most of the previous year, and the BIL offered a break for us). They had three fairly young children, and the kids had been a big help in fetching things, etc. My own kids, then teenagers, had also helped take care of their grandmother when she was at our house and in the hospital.
I happened to be there at the time; the hospice nurse had called for additional medicine that had to be hand-carried from the oncologist, and while I was there I offered to do a night shift. She passed at about 6am, and so the grandkids weren't awake until after she was picked up by the mortuary. Their folks told them that Grandma was gone, and they were sad but not traumatized, because they had been watching the situation and knew it was coming.
My FIL was a similar situation; he had lived with us for years. He had Parkinson's disease, which was making it difficult for him to get around; he didn't have dementia, fortunately. We had found an assisted living situation for him but he hated it and kept escaping; we brought him home for a weekend and he died in our bed in the middle of the night. Again, I don't think the kids saw him before the coroner's van took him. We had known he was failing rapidly, so it was not a surprise, and my teenagers took it as expected. In neither case did it seem to be a problem with the houses; I lived in this house for another 25 years.
My husband had been in and out of the hospital for several months with recurrent lymphoma, and his last week was obviously getting close to the end. Midweek, we "smuggled" an 11 yr old grandson in (with the OK of a nurse) and his grandfather laid hands on him with a blessing. His last day, he had gone into a coma, and the hospital moved him into an "observation unit" early in the morning. I immediately called our four kids, who then called the rest of the family, and we wound up with our kids and all 5 grandkids, inlaws, nieces and nephews. (There was so much family there the hospital wasn't letting friends in.) His siblings came and didn't stay, but everyone else was there until he passed at about 7pm. All the kids were great, no problems or hysterics.

I think you must be honest with them that dying is part of life. If the family is suffering, I would not let small children see that but the older ones should be able to understand. Personally, I think most people would want to die at home surrounded by loved ones. To me, dying outside of one's home would be horrible to even consider. Please respect that wish if they ask to die at home.

Kid's are a lot more resilliant and intuitive than you give them credit for. My FIL passed away in our home while on Hospice, and several times a week, my 2 Grandsons ages 3 and 7 at the time (and who had always been close to him), were frequent visitors, seeing him in his decline.

Their Mommy and Daddy (our Son and DIL) did a great job of explaining that Great Grandpa was sick and that he would be dying soon, and they made special efforts to bring cards, pictures and little treats for him at each visit. When G-Grandpa did pass, we all took the time to discuss it openly and on a level in which they could understand, and always answered to them, any questions that they had on the dying process.

Iinterestingly, the boys weren't afraid, they handled his death incredibly well, and were present at the family graveside service we put together and even participated in sharing their favorite memories of him. Afterwards we all went to dinner at G-Grandpa's favorite restaurant, where we continued to speak openly of his recent passing, as well as sharing more stories of his life, so it's all about the manner in which you handle the situation, and in ours, there were no hysterics, only fun memories, and the understanding that he was now in Heaven, reunited with his wife, and that he was happy and whole again, and no longer suffering from illness and pain. In MO, kids just need to hear the truth, and to be heard, they don't need things to be sugar coated, but also be told things in an age appropriate manner. I know that I was impressed in how the kids handled everything at such a young age.

Death is a part of life. Just like kids who grow up on a farm, you see the cycle of life and death weekly. If you have had very intelligent conversations with them, about what is happening, there is no reason to hide death from them. Nope, they do not need to be in the same room or even in the house when the time comes, seeing someone die is something that you never get out of your head, ever. But there is absolutely no reason why they cannot stay in the home, with support, with understanding, with being talked to. Its perhaps a good time for talks about beliefs...some think we turn into energy, some think we go to heaven, and some think what's done is done and now we are no more. Having talks on whatever your (and their) faith and beliefs are (and respect their own perceptions and concept of death even if it is not your own) is healthy and helps in dealing with a family member dying. Much better than the good old days of hush hush, we don't speak of such things. They will be stronger for the experience, as long as communication, hugs, love and humor is NOT avoided.

Until recent times [about the last 80 to 100 years] it was the norm for people to die at home & for parents to bury a few of their children - some preparation geared to age level might help the kids - this will be a long term bonus for them as they will see that death is part of life & they will be better prepared for life than being too protected thus getting blindsided by things that happen in life

Death is such a natural part of life. I would think that teaching children about it, no matter how young, wouldn't leave any emotional scars as long as the parent and other relatives are discussing openly with them.

I have a friend approaching age 50 who said to me "I've never looked into a casket." A little off post, but still perhaps relevant to OP's post.

My mom died (3years ago) in the arms of my three daughters and me. They were 9-13. They were extremely close with her all their lives. They said they were grateful they were with her when she died. She died completely surrounded by love. There have been no negative repercussions or problems.