Follow
Share

Hello, we are thinking to involve APS regarding current situation with my mother and appreciate any advise from those you had similar cases. My mother is 81 years old and she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in the last 5 years. She is living with her 85 years old husband who sometimes demonstrates hostile behavior against my mother and does not allow her home attendant to fully take care of her. We wanted to get advice on how to protect the interests of my mother, find an amicable solution for both of them and prevent a potential crisis. One of the option available is APS involvement and wanted first to get full information on how helpful they are based on the real stories.

Please contact the Alzheimer's Los Angeles Care Counseling Department dedicated to help people go through their difficult situations that people with Alzheimer's and their families face at every stage of the disease. Care Counseling Services are provided by e-mail, telephone or in person free-of-charge. Please call (323) 930-6240.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to gabriela1458
Report

I would first speak with her physician and inform that doctor of what the husband has been doing as far as the hostile behaviour. This is of paramount IMPORTANCE since it involves your mother's well being!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

Write a letter with concrete discriptions of FIL behaviors. Be aware that you will not get a response from the doctor due to confidentiality. This way mom's doctor can evaluate the situation by asking questions..(what are the names of her medications, when does she get them. When does she bathe and who helps her with this. What do you think about the caregiver.) Then the doctor can assess the level of care each needs and make recommendations.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to pipruby
Report

In my experience with FLORIDA APS....dont waste your time...useless!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cherokeegrrl54
Report

APS differs from state to state. I'll tell you my experience, but first I want to say that since her husband (not your father, I presume) is in his 80's, I suspect that most APS offices will not do anything like they would if it were someone younger who's not a spouse. A spouse doesn't usually just appear on the scene only when someone becomes elderly. They've normally been with the person a long time, so that means that their relationship has either been abusive all along or else he also has dementia. APS is not going to risk being perceived as punishing an elderly person with dementia in order to protect their spouse, unless there is proven physical abuse or some other emergency situation.
Now, as for my own experience with APS: it was futile. I reported a sibling after finding proof that he had guilted Mom out of all of her money, over $50k even AFTER she bought him a house, all in the same year. This happened a year before I arrived in town, and I discovered it a year after I arrived. APS first told me they had closed the case (without letting me know) because they won't pursue an abuser who lives in another state, even though he's just 20 min away. He continued to get Mom aside and lay guilt and pitiful stories on her, this time trying to get her physical assets since he'd drained her accounts. So, I contacted APS again.
This time they told me that they only pursue caregivers, which, in our case, had just become me. So, it appears that APS in our state says whatever is necessary to avoid having to do their job.
And along those lines, I had a federal job some years ago, and realized that I was one of about 10% of employees who actually did their job on days we were in the field. We were given ratings and mine were higher than everyone else's. But instead of being inspired by that, one of the supervisors sought to bring me down by writing on my quarterly narrative that he thought I'd copied it from a book. He didn't expect me to find out, but the report was returned to me so I was furious and spent 2 months filing paperwork to have a mtg with his superiors. He denied that it was him who wrote that , so I pulled out my microcassette recorder and played back our argument where he admitted to doing it and even said he wanted to get rid of me. Their response was to tell him never to do it again and that was that.
That's government workers for you.....at least the ones I've dealt with, though I'm sure there are exceptions to that rule.

.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Familyslave
Report
Jada824 Jun 25, 2019
APS is the same in R.I.........useless! Just another dept for lazy workers to get subsidized by taxpayers.
(2)
Report
I found APS useless in the State of Washington. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to radiator81
Report

Can the home attendant document what the husband is doing to prevent her from care? Are these new behaviors by the husband or has he always been this way? I too would suspect either he has dementia or a diminished mental capacity to understand that she is not young and healthy anymore, so he is angry at her for it. If you are concerned for mom's safety, take her out for a drive and keep her . Maybe she or husband can go to an adult care facility a few days a week to have time alone l.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to DJ9876543
Report

As I had mentioned on another string, FWIW I was told by APS that they usually find the situation either much worse than they had expected, or much better--but seldom actually close to what they had expected.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to jacobsonbob
Report

APS can be overly respectful, in my opinion, of the abused person's rights and desires. If mom doesn't want help, they won't push. Perhaps talking with them will bring out some issues and make the situation better. In many states APS doesn't have funding to work on self-neglect cases, such as the hoarder person just not taking care of themselves.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cindybirk
Report

I have only had one experience with APS. My MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My FIL did not allow her the medical care my husband and I thought she should have. Dental, skin cancer, diabetes out of control. My husband contacted APS.
My husband told his father that he had contacted APS.
They visited my in laws and did nothing. MIL was a very good housekeeper. The house was immaculate. MIL loved people. I am sure she was very welcoming as FIL would also be. They had a nice visit and left.
Truth was, FIL also had dementia. We didn’t know this at this time. SIL did and protected her father to her mothers detriment. ( We lived out of town. SIL took parents to the doctor. No problem letting us know of MIL diagnosis but not FILS. Hind sight 20 20. We should have known).
So I think you have to make them very aware of the reality of the situation. In InLaws area I’m sure there were others who appeared to be in much worse shape. So it made us think (without any confirmation) that it is relevant to what else the APS folks are dealing with.
If I had it to do over again, I like to think I would have picked up my MIL and taken her home with me. Of course I had no authority to do that and she probably would not have wanted to go.
It is a tough situation.
If you think your Mom would go with you, would her husband care or object? It’s sad that we think of our parents being under the control of their spouses when it appears they need rescuing.
If you call them, ask under what circumstances they take action.
It was very hard for my husband to do this to his father. Afterwards he felt like he had done all he could.
I took my MIL to the dermatologist and got the skin cancer treated. I took her to get her eyes checked. That sounds so simple but at the time it was a big deal in the family. My husband and his siblings wouldn’t dare.
My own Dad was in the hospital dying when I took MIL to have the skin cancer removed. I was determined to see that it got taken care of. She lived three more years.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report

I have called them numerous times & they did absolutely nothing to help. My brother won’t allow me to see or speak to my mom & she’s 97 & lives alone. The last gentleman I spoke to told me to pretend she’s dead & move on with my life. After that I contacted my Senator to let them know what was going on & now there’s going to be an investigation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Jada824
Report

Does the husband have family? If so, can you meet with them and tell them about his behaviors? Would that be news to them or are they aware of it on some level? They may be waiting for you to get the ball rolling and visa versa. You must impress upon them that something needs to be done because you don’t feel your mother is in a safe situation. If what you say to them is met with hostility, you may have to discuss amongst yourselves removing Mom from the home and this situation. This would put the care of her husband squarely on his family. If he has cognitive issues, I’m sure you’re aware that this only gets worse as time goes on.

You can involve APS, but they will come in, and if they find abuse, you must do as they say. They may advise removing one or both from the situation. Decisions will still need to be made by your family and also his family. Caseworkers will be involved and possibly even the police. If you put this in motion and do contact APS, be prepared to make decisions quickly and follow through on them. They can be relentless.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter