Any caregivers out there who are happy to do this job for a parent?

Feelings change, life changes, circumstances change, we never know what life is going to bring do we.  Most people want to vent and get advice and not hurt anybody in the process on here.  

But I have two daughters, one is not well, and she's told me I very well could out live her and it is possible, there will be nothing left of me if that happens.  I would prefer to live on my own and fall over in my flower bed and go that way than be taken care of, I love my daughters, I just don't won't to consume their life, but none of us knows obviously what are health issues will when we're 80,  I've seen 90 year olds thin, in good health going on walkathons and I've seen 60 year olds I thought were 80.  My little life, my dad was older than my mom, I never imagined I'd be taking care of him, figured it would be my mom, and I loved her, still do, she passed young.  She was the sweetest woman, never hurt anyone.  Now with my dad, we've had ups and downs, but I love my dad too.  I know my dad loves to be the center of attention and he will ocd over it and situations for weeks that he can put himself in for attention.  But I have seen another side of my dad I thought I'd never see, and it's because of caregiving, if I were not his caregiver, I truly believe I would not have seen the best side of my dad.  My dad is now talking about regrets.  Regrets for focusing on money and his hobbies rather than all his kids who needed their dad while we were growing up.  I've heard stories about him and mom I'd never heard before, stories about grandparents I didn't know.  I sat down and told him how I felt growing up having a dad who was never home, he truly was clueless as a young man.  We all get older, I could see the regret in his eyes and the hurt.  Dad and I and are getting a long great now because we opened up to each other and were honest, my dad finally knows his daughter, and he's proud of who she turned out to be.  He fills better, I fill better about caregiving, we go out more for breakfast, lunch, dinner, we're both happy, although we know my dad likely only has a few years before his health gets really bad, congestive heart failure/diastolic.  We're working out some ways to travel some that would be easier for both of us, and get some good memories.  A lot of us also stayed home and raised our kids, but all the same, no one is perfect, you just have to be gently honest and open.  Thanks for asking this question too.

Cont...

But that didn't work for me, I wasn't going to be bought! I was growing fast to resent him, searching out ways to improve our situation, until I happened upon this forum several years ago, and with the help and advice of the many helpful folks on this website, we found that we could get out from under this situation of him living with us, we found him an Assisted living apartment nearby, but unfortunately it didn't last long, and ever to our commitment to family, we moved him back, for the remainder of his days.

I believe that every family situation is different, and the Only way it can work, is if Every possible scenario is discussed and agreed to, with an Exit Clause, if All Parties do not get along, or if personality and health issues become an issue during the course of the living arrangements. Plus, the financials, equitable rent and living expenses, (plus Legal Caregivers Aggreements) also Must be worked out in advance, equitable to all parties, and in writing.

The other thing is that the adult children Must have Medical and Financial POA, as situations do change as the elderly parents status does change as they age.

Lastly, Be respectful of one another, especially of the child's marriage and partner, if not, it will Never work! Never expect your child and their spouses to give up their lives for you, it must be mutually beneficial!

I have lived 2 sides of this coin.

1) I grew up in a British household, my parents immigrated to the US from Wales, UK in 1950. My Mom and Dad lived with her parents until they had had their 3rd child, before buying their 1st home here, and went on to have 3 more kids, as along with my British Grandparents and many Aunties, Uncle's and Cousins, family Always stuck together and cared for one another, no matter what! My Grandparents lived with their Eldest daughter (my Auntie)and her husband until the end, and Nursing homes were never an alternative. When I was a kid, my other Welsh Grandmother (Dad's Mom) came to live with us for many years, until she had Advanced Alzheimer's, and then was moved into a Nursing home, my Mom was completely burnt out.

My own Wonderful parents lived in with my older siblings homes, 1st in my one Sister's MIL attached apartment, and then when our Dad died, Mom Lived with my eldest Sister, ultimately going onto Hospice, for uterine cancer until she passed away, it's just the way we were raised, and it was also a pleasure and an honor, all 6 of us siblings, active in their lives and their care.

2) My FIL. For Years, My Narcissistic Personality Disorder (PND) FIL, "groomed" my husband and I to care for him, always cornering us with "if something ever happens to Mother, can I live with you guys?", as My MIL was Chronically Sick with COPD and Heart disease. He was deathly afraid of being and living alone, and as expected, she passed before him from her illnesses.

What do you say to a parent that constantly asks you that, obviously not what we did, as When the time came that she did pass, we had no choice but to say Yes, and he moved in with us within 2 weeks of her burial. On one hand and to me, it was a natural progression of things, after all, it was certainly how I was raised, but it was a very difficult transition for my husband, and soon after he was reverting back into the parent/child role, with his Dad Always having an opinion on how things should be, ie: no alcohol in the house "we don't drink" ahem, I DO!, where are you going, when are you coming home, what are we having for dinner, wanting dinner at 5:00pm sharp, btw, we were both in our late 40's, early 50's and still working full time! Us always having to worry about being "quiet" after 9pm, and say goodbye to our sex life! He was nothing like my own parents, as they were fun loving, always on the go, always up for new adventures, but he was a moody, been there, done that, and refused to fly anywhere on vacation, so that put a stop to that sort of travel as well. Let's just say he put a huge damper on our lifestyle, and we had only just moved our youngest of 4 children out of the nest! It was 'Our Time", but it wasn't to be.

For 13 years we put up with him, and his NPD became more and more evident as he grew older! Finally at the 13+ year mark (last June 2017), with his advancing years (87) and ours, plus Our Complete Caregivers Burnout, we got him into ASSISTED LIVING around the corner, for it to last only 12 weeks, as at the 12 week mark, he fell in the night, lay there unable to get up for at least 12 hours, where my husband found him the next day. 911 was called, he was hospitalized with Pneumonia, and upon Xray and CT scan, he was diagnosed with Lung cancer, a golf ball sized mass in his Right lung, with metastases to his rib bones.

It was decided that he returned to our home for Hospice Care until he passed away 9 weeks later.
The 2 situations could not be more different, my parents were a joy to take care of, appreciative, thankful, fun til the end, except my Mom's last few weeks with her Cancer pain, but my FIL was gruff, pushy, needy, and he slowly revealed his flaws as he aged in our home. He tried his darndest to rule OUR home through Fear Obligation and Guilt, always pitting his kids against one another, using his money as a carrot to dangle over my husband's head, but.... cont.

Dear callen3x -
I am happy to care for my parents, I love them, and respect them, and I want to. I recently moved to be closer to them. As parents, they weren't perfect, but I'm not either. Everyone's circumstances and the parents and childhood we are dealt sincerely varies.

I love the quote by Oscar Wilde - Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older, they judge them.
Sometimes, they forgive them.

I would like to think I am a child that forgives. And my parents have definitely forgiven me for my awful teenaged years! Lol.

Now, that being said...
I'm not really allowed to do much in the way of caring for them. I know they love and trust me. But, they pretty much refuse my offers of assistance. They are doing just fine, wink, wink... So stubborn. But, I am here and willing. I will help if allowed. I have found a few ways to be sneaky and help them without them knowing I am helping.
I will do what I can, but I recognize that I am only human, and a not very healthy human to begin with.

Hope this helps, and I do hope you can get some plans in place.
Sparkles

I agree totally with Sue. A parent should not expect a child to allow them to move them into their home out of gratitude or as repayment for their parenting. And, advice on child rearing is not something that most young parents want. It’s big problem in young marriages when a parent gets involved in giving unwanted or unsolicited advice on child rearing.

My mother is the oldest daughter of eight siblings and moved from her father's house to her husband's house when she married. Because of my father's health, we have expected that my mother will outlive my father by several years. My mother stated a couple of decades back she would not want to live in the house alone if something happened to my father - she's never lived in any house alone.

I am her only daughter and I have always planned that my mother would move in with me after my father's death. There is no guilt involved - I want her here. We have had a good relationship over the years and I helped her care for my father with vascular dementia for 16+ years. Mom was also my partner in babysitting her great-grandchildren. She could keep an eye on the older ones while I took care of the baby or cooked some supper.

Mom moved into my home at 83 when her health began failing under the stress of Dad's care and my father entered MC. Mom has some short term memory problems and MCI but her base personality is still the same. I love having her in my home. I don't feel the loss of privacy as much as a lot of posters express; maybe because I was already caring for a couple of great-nephews. Or maybe because Mom and I had been talking and seeing each other daily in our respective homes for more than a decade between taking care of my father and babysitting the greats. Through my adulthood, Mom has been one of my best and most reliable friends; she's forgiven me my teenage years :>).

We did discuss practical matters before Mom joined my household. Mom wants to contribute to the household so she pays some of the monthly expenses and she takes on some of the light housework and cooking tasks. We have more home made apple cakes and pies because Mom is around to peel and dice the apples (she is so much faster than I am). Mom understands that because of my own health issues, she is here as long as we can possibly make this work (hopefully the rest of her life) but if the day comes that Mom needs 24/7 nursing care, she will probably need to enter a SNF where I will make sure she gets good care.

Mom enriched my life with many gifts. It must have been very inconvenient to be the chauffeur for all the music lessons, team practices and games, rifle matches, and the many choir rehearsals and performances of my youth. She never once complained or failed to get me where I needed to be. If having her living in my home brings some inconvenience to my life for a decade or so then it's a still a deal greatly in my favor.

I do was happy sometime before when I was taking care of her health and she appreciated it. Now, with dementia problems, I may do whatever she is not happy about it....And the most hard part, she stop listening to me, that lead to her worsened health, hospital, rehab and possible NH because at home everything will happen again, she simply do whatever she wants to...So, yes, I think I was happy to some extent before but now I am the most unhappy person in a world as guilt over not being able to care for her alone overwhelmed me

Thanks everyone. Lots of food for thought. No I don't expect them to take me in and I have discussed it with them that I want to be placed in a home if and when I am a burden. In the meantime, if my husband should pass (he's 73 and had a bout with cancer, )I would want to live with one of them because I adore them both. They are both far away, and I was the one who moved hubby and myself to finally own a home free and clear. I guess I just wanted to hear from someone who voluntarily moved a parent in because they wanted to, not had to because of guilt. I would want separate quarters and would NOT be all up in their business. Certainly I might give my opinion on child raising but wouldn't expect them or require them to listen. Thanks again everyone.

Callen,
From what I've read on this board, most of the caregivers are taking care of old parents that have mental or physical problems. If you don't have any of those problems, it would be a lot easier.

I hate to say but I think it's presumptuous on your part to *expect* to live with a daughter just because you birthed them and took care of them. That was YOUR choice, not theirs.

I'm coming from an American perspective. We seem to value our privacy and don't willingly take in other family members to add more to the nuclear family, just our immediate family (Dad, Mom and kids).

I find it odd also that you refused to take care of YOUR mother (I get she was abusive) but you EXPECT to be taken in. Will you contribute (financially or through housework) to the household if one of your daughters takes you in?

In my belief a child owes the parent nothing but gratitude for being a good parent and having a good upbringing.

Do your daughters know you expect this from them? You may be surprised by their reactions.

I will never be cared for by my son (he's a heroin addict) and we don't speak. I don't want it this way, it's his choice. But even if he was an A#1 son, I would never intrude in his life. My stepdaughter has orders to put me in a facility should I need it.

You may want to develop a Plan B incase your girls and/or their husbands decide otherwise.

Good luck to you.

Daughterof1930, your dad is a wise man. Good boundaries keep good relationships healthy.

I’m the daughter of two wonderful parents. They weren’t without flaws but they raised us well and always had time and love for us. My mom is passed away now but my dad is still here. He has for many years adamantly stated that he will not live with any of his children, nor will he allow any of us to live with him. Both situations have come up with some of us offering each scenario but he declines. He says it is precisely because we love each other and are close that he won’t allow it. He’s seen the consequences of the strain doing this so often puts on relationships and he’s determined not to be a part of it. When he can’t be in his home any longer he will move to a facility, his choice. I think there’s a lot of wisdom there and I respect it

Callen3x,
The answer to your question depends on the relationship that you have NOW with your Daughters.  Also, You need to understand that NO CHILD is REQUIRED to take care of their parents “BECAUSE they feel grateful to repay them”.   If a child WISHES or WANTS to take care of their parent(s) out of LOVE and RESPECT, that is THEIR CHOICE.

My Dad died in December 2007. Mom and I bought a house together in June 2008 in Dad’s home town because I am semi-retired due to health reasons. {I moved in with my Mom because I LOVE HER--not because I think that I “OWE” her anything.} We lived in a two bedroom ranch and I slept in the basement as it gave me some “ME SPACE” where I could not see or hear Mom. We both had our own TVs and could watch our own shows and could stay up as late as we wanted without bothering each other. Mom cooked and we ate all of our meals together. 

If you move in with any of your kids, I suggest a Mother-in-Law Suite that has a door between the Suite and the Main House so that you each have your “OWN SPACE”. 

When you live with one of your daughters--Do you think that you will be able to LET YOUR CHILDREN BE ADULTS/PARENTS to their own kids, or will you be interfering and trying to tell your children how to raise their kids?

The BIG QUESTIONS will come when your health and especially your MENTAL HEALTH starts to decline. What do you expect your children to do if you develop dementia or Alzheimer’s; or behavior problems because of TIAs or Stroke? Or need assist with ADLs (bathing, toileting, feeding yourself, walking, getting dressed, etc.) 

 My Mom and I got along fairly well for most of the 9 years that we lived together. We would have our little “tiffs” and Mom could be “bossy” at times.  In July 2015, Mom started to have TIAs? & her personality changed, that is when our living together became harder. I could no longer sleep in the basement where I had my “ME SPACE”.  I had to sleep on the main floor in the bedroom next to Mom’s with “One Eye Open and One Ear Open” at all times. The lack of restful sleep affected me.  Mom and I started to have our “little tiffs” almost daily, my stress level rose about X 3+, and I was ready to move out.  But in May 2017, Mom went to the hospital and was transferred to the local nursing home as she needs assistance with ADLs.  Mom has been diagnosed with Major Depression with Delusions and Mild Dementia and is now residing on the Memory Care Unit due to her wandering the halls in her w/c looking for my brother and me (who she thinks are ages 10 and 12).

I agree. You need to discuss this with your daughters and their husband. Being in the same house could feel crampt plus some older parents revert back into their earlier parenting role when they live in the same house with an adult child. Clear and open communication about expectations and boundaries regarding everyone is crucial.

I think this is really a question for your daughters. Is your husband ill/dying? Is moving in with a daughter something you believe will happen very soon?
I gave and continue to give my children all the love in the world. However, there is nothing that makes me feel as though they must "repay" me when I get old. I made the choice to bring them into the world. They have families of their own and taking me into their home as some sort of payback for me raising them is not a fair thing to ask, in my opinion.

I would take my mom in a second if she didn't have dementia. she is kind, mellow, considerate, caring, a good listener.
but the dementia has changed her. not so much her personality, but in other ways.

she is confused, repeats, makes up stories, doesn't want to bathe, cant entertain herself anymore - cant watch tv because she cant follow the story. cant read, because she cannot retain info. im not saying she is bad. the dementia is overwhelming. if she was at home with me with dementia. I could never leave the house alone, and leave her alone. ever. and she has no idea she has dementia either.