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I'm sorry, I know there are plenty of children out there that get stuck taking care of an abusive parent and that is awful. But, I was a good parent and when my husband dies I will want to live with one of my daughters because I love them and they were my life for 20 years. I was a stay at home mom and devoted to my daughters and my husband. I didn't have to take care of a parent, luckily because Father died young and Mother was abusive and, I MADE the choice not to welcome her into my home.


So am I crazy to think there are kids out there taking care of or helping out their parents BECAUSE they love them and feel grateful to repay them, so to speak. Maybe this forum does not attract that kind of situation, but I'm hoping someone on here is NOT overwhelmed and in fact enjoys what they do. TIA for any responses,

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I would take my mom in a second if she didn't have dementia. she is kind, mellow, considerate, caring, a good listener.
but the dementia has changed her. not so much her personality, but in other ways.

she is confused, repeats, makes up stories, doesn't want to bathe, cant entertain herself anymore - cant watch tv because she cant follow the story. cant read, because she cannot retain info. im not saying she is bad. the dementia is overwhelming. if she was at home with me with dementia. I could never leave the house alone, and leave her alone. ever. and she has no idea she has dementia either.
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I’m the daughter of two wonderful parents. They weren’t without flaws but they raised us well and always had time and love for us. My mom is passed away now but my dad is still here. He has for many years adamantly stated that he will not live with any of his children, nor will he allow any of us to live with him. Both situations have come up with some of us offering each scenario but he declines. He says it is precisely because we love each other and are close that he won’t allow it. He’s seen the consequences of the strain doing this so often puts on relationships and he’s determined not to be a part of it. When he can’t be in his home any longer he will move to a facility, his choice. I think there’s a lot of wisdom there and I respect it
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I agree totally with Sue. A parent should not expect a child to allow them to move them into their home out of gratitude or as repayment for their parenting. And, advice on child rearing is not something that most young parents want. It’s big problem in young marriages when a parent gets involved in giving unwanted or unsolicited advice on child rearing.
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Cont...

But that didn't work for me, I wasn't going to be bought! I was growing fast to resent him, searching out ways to improve our situation, until I happened upon this forum several years ago, and with the help and advice of the many helpful folks on this website, we found that we could get out from under this situation of him living with us, we found him an Assisted living apartment nearby, but unfortunately it didn't last long, and ever to our commitment to family, we moved him back, for the remainder of his days.

I believe that every family situation is different, and the Only way it can work, is if Every possible scenario is discussed and agreed to, with an Exit Clause, if All Parties do not get along, or if personality and health issues become an issue during the course of the living arrangements. Plus, the financials, equitable rent and living expenses, (plus Legal Caregivers Aggreements) also Must be worked out in advance, equitable to all parties, and in writing.

The other thing is that the adult children Must have Medical and Financial POA, as situations do change as the elderly parents status does change as they age.

Lastly, Be respectful of one another, especially of the child's marriage and partner, if not, it will Never work! Never expect your child and their spouses to give up their lives for you, it must be mutually beneficial!
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callen3x Aug 8, 2018
IMO at least, I am more like your family than your husbands father. I try to be happy most of the time and I really only give my daughter child rearing advice if she is asking and obviously struggling. She is kind of OCD (like her father) and she seems to worry about every little thing that her kids do. She is more strict than I was, worries way more than I did and, it seems, is struggling more with motherhood than I did...such a worrier, like her Dad again! You make good points that things need to be worked out in advance and they will be that is for sure. I get along okay with her husband, he is career military though, and works like a fool, not to mention deployed for several months at a time. I feel like my help with the kids, cooking, shopping etc would be well received.
Of course, any move at all won't and can't happen unless my husband passes. I'm married 37 years, too late and too old to quit on him now. Who knows, maybe I'll go first anyway. I really only posted I guess because all I was reading was people who were caring for their parents and living in total misery. It really got me thinking about my future and wondering if my daughters would welcome or shun me when I am in need. They are both well educated, have great careers, great husbands, etc etc. I had a crappy childhood and got no chance at a college education. I ended up despising my narcissistic mother. Apparently so did my father as he attempted to murder her before committing suicide when I was 6. Sooooo when I think back on the childhood that I gave to my kids, I can't help but think that they should really appreciate me and my efforts to give them a fabulous life. NONE of us asked to be born, but I still think that if you parents weren't abusive and did the best they could, then you do kind of owe them something in their final years.

Thanks to you and everyone who took the time to answer. I feel better about things now!
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Callen3x,
The answer to your question depends on the relationship that you have NOW with your Daughters.  Also, You need to understand that NO CHILD is REQUIRED to take care of their parents “BECAUSE they feel grateful to repay them”.   If a child WISHES or WANTS to take care of their parent(s) out of LOVE and RESPECT, that is THEIR CHOICE.

My Dad died in December 2007. Mom and I bought a house together in June 2008 in Dad’s home town because I am semi-retired due to health reasons. {I moved in with my Mom because I LOVE HER--not because I think that I “OWE” her anything.} We lived in a two bedroom ranch and I slept in the basement as it gave me some “ME SPACE” where I could not see or hear Mom. We both had our own TVs and could watch our own shows and could stay up as late as we wanted without bothering each other. Mom cooked and we ate all of our meals together. 

If you move in with any of your kids, I suggest a Mother-in-Law Suite that has a door between the Suite and the Main House so that you each have your “OWN SPACE”. 

When you live with one of your daughters--Do you think that you will be able to LET YOUR CHILDREN BE ADULTS/PARENTS to their own kids, or will you be interfering and trying to tell your children how to raise their kids?

The BIG QUESTIONS will come when your health and especially your MENTAL HEALTH starts to decline. What do you expect your children to do if you develop dementia or Alzheimer’s; or behavior problems because of TIAs or Stroke? Or need assist with ADLs (bathing, toileting, feeding yourself, walking, getting dressed, etc.) 

 My Mom and I got along fairly well for most of the 9 years that we lived together. We would have our little “tiffs” and Mom could be “bossy” at times.  In July 2015, Mom started to have TIAs? & her personality changed, that is when our living together became harder. I could no longer sleep in the basement where I had my “ME SPACE”.  I had to sleep on the main floor in the bedroom next to Mom’s with “One Eye Open and One Ear Open” at all times. The lack of restful sleep affected me.  Mom and I started to have our “little tiffs” almost daily, my stress level rose about X 3+, and I was ready to move out.  But in May 2017, Mom went to the hospital and was transferred to the local nursing home as she needs assistance with ADLs.  Mom has been diagnosed with Major Depression with Delusions and Mild Dementia and is now residing on the Memory Care Unit due to her wandering the halls in her w/c looking for my brother and me (who she thinks are ages 10 and 12).
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Callen,
From what I've read on this board, most of the caregivers are taking care of old parents that have mental or physical problems. If you don't have any of those problems, it would be a lot easier.

I hate to say but I think it's presumptuous on your part to *expect* to live with a daughter just because you birthed them and took care of them. That was YOUR choice, not theirs.

I'm coming from an American perspective. We seem to value our privacy and don't willingly take in other family members to add more to the nuclear family, just our immediate family (Dad, Mom and kids).

I find it odd also that you refused to take care of YOUR mother (I get she was abusive) but you EXPECT to be taken in. Will you contribute (financially or through housework) to the household if one of your daughters takes you in?

In my belief a child owes the parent nothing but gratitude for being a good parent and having a good upbringing.

Do your daughters know you expect this from them? You may be surprised by their reactions.

I will never be cared for by my son (he's a heroin addict) and we don't speak. I don't want it this way, it's his choice. But even if he was an A#1 son, I would never intrude in his life. My stepdaughter has orders to put me in a facility should I need it.

You may want to develop a Plan B incase your girls and/or their husbands decide otherwise.

Good luck to you.
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My mother is the oldest daughter of eight siblings and moved from her father's house to her husband's house when she married. Because of my father's health, we have expected that my mother will outlive my father by several years. My mother stated a couple of decades back she would not want to live in the house alone if something happened to my father - she's never lived in any house alone.

I am her only daughter and I have always planned that my mother would move in with me after my father's death. There is no guilt involved - I want her here. We have had a good relationship over the years and I helped her care for my father with vascular dementia for 16+ years. Mom was also my partner in babysitting her great-grandchildren. She could keep an eye on the older ones while I took care of the baby or cooked some supper.

Mom moved into my home at 83 when her health began failing under the stress of Dad's care and my father entered MC. Mom has some short term memory problems and MCI but her base personality is still the same. I love having her in my home. I don't feel the loss of privacy as much as a lot of posters express; maybe because I was already caring for a couple of great-nephews. Or maybe because Mom and I had been talking and seeing each other daily in our respective homes for more than a decade between taking care of my father and babysitting the greats. Through my adulthood, Mom has been one of my best and most reliable friends; she's forgiven me my teenage years :>).

We did discuss practical matters before Mom joined my household. Mom wants to contribute to the household so she pays some of the monthly expenses and she takes on some of the light housework and cooking tasks. We have more home made apple cakes and pies because Mom is around to peel and dice the apples (she is so much faster than I am). Mom understands that because of my own health issues, she is here as long as we can possibly make this work (hopefully the rest of her life) but if the day comes that Mom needs 24/7 nursing care, she will probably need to enter a SNF where I will make sure she gets good care.

Mom enriched my life with many gifts. It must have been very inconvenient to be the chauffeur for all the music lessons, team practices and games, rifle matches, and the many choir rehearsals and performances of my youth. She never once complained or failed to get me where I needed to be. If having her living in my home brings some inconvenience to my life for a decade or so then it's a still a deal greatly in my favor.
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callen3x Aug 7, 2018
THANK YOU I knew you were out there ;-) God Bless you.
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Dear callen3x -
I am happy to care for my parents, I love them, and respect them, and I want to. I recently moved to be closer to them. As parents, they weren't perfect, but I'm not either. Everyone's circumstances and the parents and childhood we are dealt sincerely varies.

I love the quote by Oscar Wilde - Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older, they judge them.
Sometimes, they forgive them.

I would like to think I am a child that forgives. And my parents have definitely forgiven me for my awful teenaged years! Lol.

Now, that being said...
I'm not really allowed to do much in the way of caring for them. I know they love and trust me. But, they pretty much refuse my offers of assistance. They are doing just fine, wink, wink... So stubborn. But, I am here and willing. I will help if allowed. I have found a few ways to be sneaky and help them without them knowing I am helping.
I will do what I can, but I recognize that I am only human, and a not very healthy human to begin with.

Hope this helps, and I do hope you can get some plans in place.
Sparkles
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Daughterof1930, your dad is a wise man. Good boundaries keep good relationships healthy.
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I do was happy sometime before when I was taking care of her health and she appreciated it. Now, with dementia problems, I may do whatever she is not happy about it....And the most hard part, she stop listening to me, that lead to her worsened health, hospital, rehab and possible NH because at home everything will happen again, she simply do whatever she wants to...So, yes, I think I was happy to some extent before but now I am the most unhappy person in a world as guilt over not being able to care for her alone overwhelmed me
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