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Yesterday he got impatient and couldn't wait for me to put away his Mom's Meals and started arguing with me as I was eating lunch. He's telling the Hospice workers that I'm causing problems and I lie about things when its really him lashing out at me and yelling profanities at me.

Chicka, you say that he couldn't wait for you to put away his mom's meals. Then you say your grandparents have been gone for 12 years. Can you please clarify what you mean? Thank you.
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Frebrowser Jul 13, 2020
Apparently, it is a brand name.

"Mom's Meals
https://www.momsmeals.com
Fully prepared, refrigerated meals delivered to homes nationwide."
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Chicka,

Young children will often wait until their parents are on the phone or otherwise occupied, then misbehave. Your Dad is doing the same thing. You need to set boundaries. If Dad starts up, you stop what you are doing and tell him you will not be spoken to that way, then leave his presence.

You are not the only one available to help Dad. You maybe the only one left in your family, but that does not mean you put your life on hold. He can go into care.
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Chicks, you sent me a message that says, "it's not easy when I am cooking or trying to help him"

Yes, it is easy. He starts yelling and screaming and threatening and you walk away. If this means turning the stove off and having a less than perfect meal, if you have to leave the vacuum or mop or whatever, then you walk away.

You can choose not to participate in his actions and then you will not be arguing with him or he you, however you want to look at it. It takes 2 to argue, don't participate.

If this is to much for you, and it is completely okay if it is, then you need to tell his social worker that you can not keep doing it.

He is on hospice, that means that he is terminal and I promise you that he is scared and probably overwhelmed with the fact that he is dying and he hasn't even buried his own mom yet. Try to understand and be compassionate or tell someone that you can not do this. You don't want to live with regrets and this type of hostile environment is ripe for creating them. Maybe you would be better off just being his child and not his caregiver.
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Chicka05 Jul 13, 2020
Sorry I never got to finish my message. I was saying I'm usually in the middle of something when he decides to argue w me. God forbid I stop cooking and walk away! He gets very angry. I can't win w him. I am his only living child and my grandparents have been gone for about 12 yrs. He doesn't have anyone but me. My parents have been divorced since I was 3. He never remarried or had any more kids. I feel like I'm taking care of another child. Mind you I already raised 3 children. Thank you for your help. I think I will take your advice.
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Your father is probably unhappy, frightened about his health and lashing out at you as you are the easy target. When he starts shouting or being abusive, do you have another room you can go to for a while, to give yourself some space and to remove yourself from the situation? Do you have a garden or can you go outside for a walk to get away for a while? You may be caring for him but your own needs are important too. Maybe the Hospice workers can give you some advice and some coping strategies - remember that they will have seen this situation thousands of times and will not judge you. Can you get some respite help once a week so you can leave the house and do something that gives you pleasure? Spending most of your time caring for someone who is unkind to you will take its toll on your health. I found it helpful to write a list of who I could consider were people in my support network. These included people involved closely such as health professionals, close family members and friends, but also people who were more remote and less directly involved - more distant friends and family who I could keep in touch with via e mails, what’s app, etc. I found I also included people I might interact with regularly but who I didn’t know personally such as shop assistants, people in my neighbourhood who were just familiar faces, delivery men etc. You might not talk to this last group of people about the problems you are facing but they are part of the community you live in and an acknowledgement of their presence helps you realise you are not alone in the world and that they are supporting you in a different way. I hope you can find some space for yourself and a supportive network to help you through such a difficult time.
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Chicka05 Jul 13, 2020
I am in a lose/ lose situation. The most I can do is go to my room. Since my father never raised me he loves to tell me to go to my room( I'm in my 40s by the way) I have a fiance who is also taking care of his 82 yr old father and 55 yr old sister who is disabled. I try and see him every other weekend, and usually help him out which I don't mind because his family is quiet and calm.
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He can't argue with you if you just walk away.

Whos house is it? Because in my world, that is who gets to stay and the other person has to leave if they can't behave with civility.
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Was your father ever any different? Has dementia caused him to descend into this behavior? Or his illness? Is his impatience something new? Suggest a urine test for UTI if this anger is something new.
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Chicka05 Jul 11, 2020
He is also on lorazepam for anxiety and morphine for pain. He had a UTI but was cleared up a couple months ago.
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Sounds like he has dementia. There may be meds to help with his agitation but you will need to work through a doctor, unless the hospice nurses have suggestions for you.
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