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My husband and I are in our mid-sixties. I have a remote job that I plan to ride into the sunset. Our youngest adult daughter, in her mid-twenties, also lives with us and pays a nominal room and board. We have two other children who are doing well and living on their own. My husband and youngest daughter suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. They are in treatment for their illness and overall, it is managed pretty well, but they still suffer from low energy, crankiness, and moodiness. They are both highly intelligent and in good physical health, and I suspect not nearly as helpless as they behave. I work full-time while my husband has been retired for 12 years, and my daughter works about 10 - 15 hours per week. I do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, and other miscellaneous household tasks, while supplying the bulk of our income. My husband and daughter's contributions generally involve walking the dog, and my husband manages our finances, runs errands, and occasionally does a bit of yard work. I have often asked them to help out more, but they complain or ignore me. While I love my husband and daughter and am sympathetic to their mental health challenges, I feel stuck in an enabling role. We have tried family therapy, and it has not helped, mainly because we spend most of the time dealing with my daughter's challenges with us--she sees us as controlling because we do not want to give her unlimited financial support and refuse to validate her anti-social behaviors. I am considering "taking a break" and moving out after the holidays. My job allows me to work remotely, and my work schedule is very flexible, so I could essentially work from anywhere. I would likely travel, visit relatives and friends around the country, and perhaps spend some time in a warmer climate. The assumption is that I would return in a few months, but I'm not sure I want to. Am I selfish for wanting to have my own time, space, and money, given their mental health problems?

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Is your husband going to be able to pay all the incoming bills for the home and food for both of them if you leave and take the bulk of the income with you? I think a divorce where the assets are split would be a fairer way to go about leaving your husband and daughter and living on your own.

That said, I would imagine your family therapist is not very good if he's allowing your daughter to run away with the session, focusing on your lack of financial support for her! My sister's 38 year old daughter had to be legally evicted in July bc she refused to work more than 15 hours a week, or help out in the house, or contribute to the bills.

Depression and mental health issues should be handled with medication and therapy both. Perhaps both of their current meds need tweaking AND a new therapist is in order.

You should also let them know, imo, that you're at the end of your rope living like this and plan to leave if changes are not made by both. Don't blindside them.

Best of luck.
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jane2023 Oct 15, 2023
Thank you. This all makes sense; however, they are both receiving psychiatric care and therapy, and my daughter, in particular, has made it clear that she does not want me involved in her care. I have let them know how I feel. My daughter says I am playing the victim card, and my husband offers me a cookie.
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I'm all for your taking a holiday to gain some perspective (and hopefully for long enough that your family members to realize how much you do to prop them up every day). When you do come home make a plan so as not to step back into a role that no longer works for you. I'd start by stopping all the household chores, as the person who works the most you should expect that those who don't will take on 100% of that - if things go undone then limit what you do and only take care of your own needs (food, laundry, groceries for one). On the forum we often say that there can be no new solution as long as you continue to be "the solution".
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jane2023 Oct 15, 2023
Thank you for your response. I wish that if I stopped chores, they would step up. I have tried this in the past and our house gets incredibly messy, laundry piles up all over the basement, and my husband and daughter eat fast food. Also, my husband gets angry when he has to clean up after our daughter, creating constant arguing and fighting. As a person who needs tidiness and peace, my life is even worse.
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"Selfish" is a term often applied to others by those who wish to manipulate them. There's nothing selfish about wanting peace after coddling these two lazy people and supplying almost their every need for years and years.

I understand the challenges of living with the depression of family members. Yet I don't get why or how daughter got the idea that depression gives her the right to exist without working, striving, and becoming an adult who can function when her enablers (you and husband) are no longer around to prop her up. Aside from your getaway, which is a VERY good idea, that's what I'd focus on if I were you.

Depression is horrible and a serious challenge, but most people in our society realize that it's not an excuse to malinger. Who provides transportation for daughter? Did you buy her a car? Does she know how to cook? If not, why not? What does she do with all her free time, considering that she doesn't help around the house or do much of anything except, I guess, walk the dog? Does she have any rudimentary life skills, like managing a bank account or shopping for the household? Who is lined up to look after her when you and husband are gone?

I hope you will leave and find a place away from the burdens your freeloading family has placed on you. I also hope that your daughter will mature (finally) and live independently soon. This situation is not good for her.
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jane2023 Oct 15, 2023
Thank you for your comments and questions. To clarify, she drives our car, she can cook but chooses not to, I estimate that she engages with apps and social media on her phone for at least 8 hours each day, she is highly intelligent, a college graduate with a near-perfect gpa, and spends about 15 hours per week (outside of her job) involved in taking classes and practicing rock climbing. Once again, I have tried everything I know to encourage her to pursue a career and independence. We have family that would likely help her.
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You are not at all selfish. Who would WANT to live like this? No one. My daughter has depression and anxiety that is well controlled with the meds she needs that enables her to work full time as a nurse, etc. So I agree with another poster that your daughter/husband are not managing their depression well at all.

You should not be providing most of the family income AND doing most of the chores. That's just unfair.

I also agree with someone else that your daughter should be out in her own apartment. ASAP. You do not need to provide her with food and housing. A friend of mine helped a daughter similar to yours move out and sometimes had to supplement her rent. It was well worth it for my friend to have her home back.

You don't have to be an enabler. Set some boundaries and get them off their butts.

You should go on your trip and enjoy some time away from this situation.

Good luck.
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I have a daughter who has dealt with clinical depression all her life. She was on and off medications until menopause when it became much easier to manage without medication. She has an anxiety component to her depressions also, and I would say anxiety "runs in the family".

In all truth, I don't know anything about your daughter and her therapy, but I cannot believe that living thusly enabled to not partake physically or financially in life at all is good for her. I think the same for your husband, as low self esteem follows letting others always "do for you". You likely have marvelous esteem if no energy for you are doing for others. People who deal with clinical depression often suffer from very low esteem and they are not motivated to think of others, but seem to focus inward on themselves. This is why I say that enabling this helplessness isn't good at all.

I can only suggest family therapy. This is a family problem. A therapist will be able to ask your daughter much better than YOU can "What are your plans" for yourself.

Do seek help. Issues such as this are much better addressed by professionals.

I wish you the very best of luck. Continue to talk openly with your family. Things hidden in the closet take on a vicious life cycle all their own. Lovingly discuss the realities of what is a real honest issue. And get professional help.
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AlvaDeer Oct 14, 2023
And having tried that one counselor you know now I think what to avoid?
No one is STUCK in the role of enabler. Enabler is an adjective more than a noun. It describes an action, your action. No one is born an enabler.
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As someone who has lived with a person with deep depression and suicidal thoughts I think you are on the right path. You need to get out. You will feel guilty about it, but they will drag you down with them. I would argue that their depression isn’t managed well at all so that is the other aspect. They need to do more to address that. Take a break from them and then you can all figure out what comes next. I wish I had had that luxury.
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If you think you want to do this, it is a red flag that this living arrangement not working. I do think your daughter needs to learn how to manage her life. By enabling her she will never learn how. It is important to address this.

You are not selfish. On the contrary, you have done for your family for a very long time. It's time for you to be able to explore what you want out of your life. Your idea to work remotely from another location is a good one, but maybe just do it just for a month. The change of scenery will be good for you. But I would not run away from home. Try to come up with a solution.
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The quickest way to change your daughter’s approach to her life is to get her out of your house and your finances. It will help all of you – her, your husband, and you. Evict her! The shock of the notice will work a lot better than yet another ‘therapy’ session.

If your house is in joint names and your husband won’t go along with this, the first notice may not be valid, but it will still be a shock. If necessary, go to a lawyer and ask about how to make it legal. It might take splitting your assets. Drastic, but this situation is destroying your life! And their lives too. You are giving them ALL the choices at the moment.
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AlvaDeer Oct 15, 2023
Yes, daughter is using her mental challenges to manipulate all around her. As a nurse and as a family member I can guarantee that happens and it is not good for anyone involved.
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it seems to me that you are enabling your daughter, who is an adult, by having her live under your roof and hardly contribute anything to your household. Your husband and your daughter have this mindset that since you do all of the household chores and contribute the majority of the finance then they have nothing to worry or complain about.

It’s time for you to give your daughter an ultimatum to get an apartment and move out of your house as she is no longer a child under your care. It boggles my mind as to why your daughter, who is an adult, is only working 10 to 15 hours a week and why you tolerated this. It’s time for your daughter to be a responsible adult.

With regard to your husband, perhaps his depressed stems from him not working. Perhaps your husband needs to find a part-time job to occupy his time and at the same time to bring in some money to help with the household bills. Also, your husband needs to get a hobby or do some volunteering to help him out of his depressive mood.

Know that you are not a selfish person by wanting to have your own space and money. Living with these adults will definitely bring down your mood. Do not allow them to do this to you. You need to stop enabling these two adults and do what’s right for your sanity even if it means moving out of your home just to get away from them.

Wishing that you would find the peace that passes all understanding.
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The issue I took with my daughter's first therapist was that while she encouraged my daughter to "speak her truth" to me and my husband, she never warned my daughter that, after she spoke her truth, we would have the equal right to speak OURS.

If you hurl accusations or hurtful comments at someone in the name of "therapy", you need to expect that the person who is being attacked is going to defend themselves. And you may end up hearing some hurtful things thrown back at you during that exchange.

Rarely is conflict only one party's fault.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 16, 2023
Oh so true, family therapy can become very messy before issues are resolved.

Hopefully, in the end healing is possible for everyone. It is never possible until people are honest with themselves and each other.

Of course, everyone has their own perspective on how things are.

It’s incredibly sad when people hold onto grudges for a lifetime. It’s wonderful when people are able to learn to live in the moment and place their past hurts behind them in order to find peace in their lives.
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