We were never able to have children it took me over 14 years to accept it. 4 months ago we moved my soon to be 83 yr old mother in law into our 2-story 1440 sq.ft. Home with us & our 2 beloved furkids..aka dogs.
I thought we were doing right thing but now already I've been losing my mind, my sanity, my privacy & even my identity. Coupled with me working from home full time since Covid I feel almost imprisoned & I'm sadly hiding out in my bedroom all day to avoid her downstairs all day & even evenings now after my husband gets home from work.
We have no privacy for anything let alone me feeling comfortable to have sex in my own home. I've been suffering hot flashes going thru hopefully final stages of menopause & I can't even turn my a/c down to a comfortable temp downstairs, she has hijacked our whole peaceful home with constant blaring sitcoms -gameshows-sports on tv down there constantly.
I am miserable & worse yet my husband spends more time with her than me. It's like I'm slowly disappearing I have tried talking to spouse but he doesn't see it or get it. I love him but what can I do?
I told him I can't have sex while she is in our house it freaks me out. I am resorting to turning my walk in closet in our bedroom (which is furthest away from her bedrooms side of house) into some kind of a sex room with a twin mattress in there.
I need advice my husband will not allow her to go into a care facility. She is cognitive & can still take care of herself & even go up & down stairs twice daily.
I love her she is sweet but constantly complains about her head, or body aches & how she doesn't feel right but ever time she goes to hospital or whatever they tell her nothing is wrong. I tell her if she just sits all day then of course She will hurt.
She stares into space a lot when I do hang out with her & she constantly flips channels on tv & just sits there all day long watching that tv glazed over.
I can't concentrate to work so I hide out upstairs husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change. I avoid at all costs bringing up anything about not feeling good, or even asking her how she she's doing because that just opens the floodgates to listen to her complain about everything.
I've tried engaging her to come outside on nice days but she prefers to be a recluse. I feel like I'm being suffocated if I spend too much time with her anym uore plus her sad & depressed demeanor just pulls me in or tries to suck me down her dark depressed tunnel of doom & gloom.
I probably sound like a horrible ungrateful daughter in law but I want my life back & my sex life back. Husband doesn't seem to think these are major problems refuses to go to marriage counseling. I know he loves me more than anything that's what hurts.
I'm now working on cleaning up my exercise room which is also upstairs to be more of a utility escape room for me complete with a mini fridge & microwave so I don't have to go down there for much more than cooking a meal, taking dogs out, going outside to also escape with them now that weather is cooling off.
I feel so self centered but my marriage is at stake now & my mental well being. I simply cannot handle the stress & responsibilities everything is in my shoulders trying not to drink too much but wine & beer help taken the edge off.
I hope God can forgive me but I am not cut out for this. There's a reason why we couldn't have children so I have hidden used to living in a quiet & peaceful home with harmony. Now it is all upside down. I am open to any suggestions good or bad.
One thing in am realizing is that if I do not let her hijack my day afternoon away from me I am more happy staying distanced upstsirs. I love music & listen to whatever I want all day up there whether I'm working or cleaning.
I'm not going to let her sad depression threshold of me it's like sometimes I envision a big dark gray cloud looming in my living room exactly over the loveseat which has become her Velcro seat. It'
Thank goodness for a 2 story house. You can make a lot of space for "yourself" or "her.'' However, you prefer to do it.
1. You. You are hiding out in your own home. You no longer feel welcome or free in it.
2. Him. Loving his mother and wanting the best for her, he is trying to be all things to her - host, protector, entire social circle, all on his own. Meanwhile he's losing his wife and making her miserable.
3. MIL. She is living in a place where most of the time she is alone, with only the tv for company; which is not, as a matter of fact, her familiar home; and where, with the best will in the world, the full-time caregiver does not want her - no matter how hard you strive to hide it from her, the vibes you give off will be felt. Would you want to live with someone feeling that your mere presence gave her a nervous tic? The truth will out, and the truth is that it is impossible not to be hostile to someone you don't want in your space.
I did a quick search, and there are five continuing care facilities near your town, apparently. I don't know what DH has against the idea of them - probably first of all that he falsely equates them with rejecting his mother - but I should begin by having a look at them. The goal to bear in mind is that you are looking for a better, more fulfilling, happier retirement life for HER. Do some fact-finding and see what's available. Then we can work on gradually bringing him AND HER round to a different perspective.
With Covid, you are of course going to have to have patience. This can't change overnight. But if you can see having MIL to look after as a fixed-term project -rather than oh dear God will this be forever? - it should make it easier to bear.
I feel for you on the loveseat. For me, it was the kitchen table, mother sitting there all morning with her newspaper and her sickly-smelling golden syrup oatmeal. But I repent my feelings about it now, you know. I'd much rather you and DH ended up with nothing to regret.
The other option is... well, let's just say that multi generational families live in one room dwellings all over the world, and they make it work.
I might be bossy but I feel YOU are the Ruling Queen of your castle! Your MIL is the Dowager Queen & could be assigned her own retreat (room with bedroom, space for microwave, kettle, bathroom) while you & your DH live in the house.
She could of course live elsewhere! I will be the first of many replies (I bet) that say indeed she should!
So question time. Do you want her to move into her own quarters? Or move completly out?
Second: you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your quiet life has been substantially changed, and part of what you're feeling is mourning for the life you had with your husband that you lost.
Why, exactly, did you move MIL in with you? Was it financial, or did she just need some more support?
There are several different ways you can go about dealing with this.
First option, continue the way you're going. Doesn't seem like a good idea, does it? I mean, it's 3:30 in the morning and you're on a caregiver support group, seeking help.
Second option, you can discuss with husband about doing some work around your house to convert part of the lower floor to a MIL suite, where she would have her own "space". Not knowing your house or financial situation, I don't know how feasible that is.
Third - and this is what I strongly recommend - you need to have, what is referred to here as a "come to Jesus" moment with your husband. You need to lay it out to him just like you laid it out to us.
"Honey, I love you. I know you love and worry about mom. I understand what our thinking was when we moved mom in with us. But this experiment is failing. I feel trapped in our home. I feel we have no privacy. I feel we have no intimacy. I cannot be comfortable enough with mom here to make love with you, and I am really missing that part of our relationship. It is very, very important to me. We need to discuss different living arrangements for mom, or I don't know how long I will last in this situation."
When you moved her in, what sort of discussions did you and hubby have? Did if occur to either of you that her care needs are only going to increase? Who will be responsible for the majority of her care as she becomes more and more dependent? You both need to be in agreement about this. It's not fair for him to assume you will shoulder the burden of caregiving. These are the topics you need to discuss with him, and sooner rather than later.
I know you feel like a hamster on a wheel right now. You can get off, but it is going to take some strength and fortitude on your side. I'm sorry I don't have an easier answer for you. I know how alone all of this can make you feel, and you have my prayers.
Good luck!