Hello, I am new here. I took the Caregiver Burnout Quiz and I scored in the highest category. So I joined here to get some support.
I care for my Mom age 85. Slow physical and mental decline. She moved in with me 3 years ago. My house is very small and we are always in each other's way. She will allow 2 hours of home health aide per week to help with her showers, that is all. I do the rest, plus work full time. I have no social life left whatsoever. Even family members stay away now. I have no support.
This week, she gave a cold calling phone scammer some of her personal information, so I've spent the whole week trying to put out that fire. I was thinking of calling her community social worker to get more help to come to the house but I know my Mom won't allow it. She won't go to day care program and refuses to go to a nursing home respite or assisted living situation.
Everything is a fight/argument. Sometimes I get up at 4 am just to have some "me time" in my own house. Any advice?
If placed in care now, self pays with house proceeds, then she will have an easier time getting on Medicaid when her funds run out.
MEDITATE - YouTube has some good, relaxing meditations or listen to nature sounds.
GO FOR A WALK - get out of the house.
READ at the library - get out of the house.
GO TO A MOVIE - get out of the house.
See a pattern?
Whatever you find relaxing - take time to do it - daily.
No diagnosis for my Mom yet, but incorporating self-care - daily - into my routine. It won’t get any easier . . .
2) If YOU don't want her to go into a facility the money can be spent on a quality in-home service (like Visiting Angels). They can provide a minimum care "companion" who will also do some light housekeeping, prep her lunch, take her out, help her bath, etc. I have 2 very elderly aunts in FL that have used this service for several years now and they absolutely love their Angel, after first turning their noses up at the very thought. This will bring you the much-needed relief you need, keeping in mind that eventually 24-hr in-home care will cost more than a facility, so she will probably need to go into one at some point anyway. Or you can use this option to buy some time while you (alone) research facilities.
It is no longer about what she wants. Hopefully you are her durable PoA and can make these decisions in her and your best interests. Don't worry if she puts up a stink about the NH option...the facility will give you ideas about how to move her in. But I wouldn't tell your mom that you are looking into it until you've made a decision...why agitate her? Wishing you rest and peace!
I bet when you were 6, 7, 9...there were things you did not want to do but your mom made you do them. I don't wanna go to school today, I don't wanna go to the doctor's , I don't want ham for dinner...And she made you go to school, she made you go to the doctor's and she made you eat ham for dinner. You cried but you survived.
It is her turn now...I don't wanna have help, I don't wanna go to Day Care...she to may cry but she will survive.
You explain that the person you are having come in to do some housework is not for her but for you. And that this is non-negotiable.
So call the Social Worker, see what other help is available. Your mom may find that she likes Adult Day Care she may find that she likes having someone help her out a bit more. She may find that a caregiver that has more time than just running in to give her a shower and leaving, one that can sit down and have a conversation with her, play cards, talk about her likes, get her out for a walk if she is able something like that might be pretty nice!
It is time to explore other residential options for mom. Reclaim your life and your home. Easier said? Yes.
Are there care homes in your area? They are often cheaper than assisted living and often accept Medicaid. Some are actually quite nice.
As far as a care home, I can look into it. She is not on Medicaid yet because she sold her house and is still in her look back period for another two years I believe. So my understanding is that it would have to be a private pay situation at this point.