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Hello, I am new here. I took the Caregiver Burnout Quiz and I scored in the highest category. So I joined here to get some support.


I care for my Mom age 85. Slow physical and mental decline. She moved in with me 3 years ago. My house is very small and we are always in each other's way. She will allow 2 hours of home health aide per week to help with her showers, that is all. I do the rest, plus work full time. I have no social life left whatsoever. Even family members stay away now. I have no support.


This week, she gave a cold calling phone scammer some of her personal information, so I've spent the whole week trying to put out that fire. I was thinking of calling her community social worker to get more help to come to the house but I know my Mom won't allow it. She won't go to day care program and refuses to go to a nursing home respite or assisted living situation.
Everything is a fight/argument. Sometimes I get up at 4 am just to have some "me time" in my own house. Any advice?

Look back? Has she gifted money or property in the past five years? That will make her subject to penalty period for a dollar amount equal to what she gifted.

If placed in care now, self pays with house proceeds, then she will have an easier time getting on Medicaid when her funds run out.
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Reply to gladimhere
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SCHEDULE in self-care time - daily.
MEDITATE - YouTube has some good, relaxing meditations or listen to nature sounds.
GO FOR A WALK - get out of the house.
READ at the library - get out of the house.
GO TO A MOVIE - get out of the house.
See a pattern?

Whatever you find relaxing - take time to do it - daily.

No diagnosis for my Mom yet, but incorporating self-care - daily - into my routine. It won’t get any easier . . .
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Reply to Katsmihur
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I agree with the others, find a nice place for her, she will make new friends and be safe...aside from that I drink wine, sure helps me!
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Reply to DollyMe
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Good advice has been given from people who have been there, done that. If she sold her home she has the funds to do either of 2 things: 1) get her into a really nice care facility that offers full spectrum from AL to hospice and takes Medicaid. Once her bank account gets low enough, she will qualify for Medicaid and she can remain in the nice facility -- they cannot kick her out. This is how it is done everywhere and the facility expects it. She will have social opportunities and get good care and you will get your life back. What has she been saving her money for? This is what it's for. This is what we did with my MIL and she is in a great place getting great care and talking to people all day -- and she was pretty angry when she first went in. She's in a shared room (which is all that Medicaid pays for) but has had great roommates. Placing your mom in a NH doesn't mean you don't love her...it means you understand reality and your limits. Do it while she still has the funds.

2) If YOU don't want her to go into a facility the money can be spent on a quality in-home service (like Visiting Angels). They can provide a minimum care "companion" who will also do some light housekeeping, prep her lunch, take her out, help her bath, etc. I have 2 very elderly aunts in FL that have used this service for several years now and they absolutely love their Angel, after first turning their noses up at the very thought. This will bring you the much-needed relief you need, keeping in mind that eventually 24-hr in-home care will cost more than a facility, so she will probably need to go into one at some point anyway. Or you can use this option to buy some time while you (alone) research facilities.

It is no longer about what she wants. Hopefully you are her durable PoA and can make these decisions in her and your best interests. Don't worry if she puts up a stink about the NH option...the facility will give you ideas about how to move her in. But I wouldn't tell your mom that you are looking into it until you've made a decision...why agitate her? Wishing you rest and peace!
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Happyplace Sep 7, 2019
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I like the visiting angels option for now, at least while I am looking into other living situation options. I am her PoA and health care proxy so that makes things easier.
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Yes friend, do as previous replies have said: take charge now, (ignore all mother's 'restrictions'), cuz seniors are afraid of EVERYTHING...& will gladly drive you crazy! Get going with the home helpers & daycare thing. 👍
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Reply to Tiger55
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Happyplace Sep 7, 2019
Thank you for your response. I can tell you totally understand. I will look into getting additional help.
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Happy - What I've learned on the forum is that if your mother has the money to pay for a facility it might actually be a benefit to do so now, some of the more desirable "non medicaid" facilities will allow private pay clients to transition to Medicaid when their funds run out.
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Happyplace Sep 7, 2019
Thank you. I'm not too financially savvy so I'll have to look into her options. If it is more beneficial to get her into a facility now, I'm up for doing that, rather than waiting.
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At some point you are going to have to draw the line in the sand.
I bet when you were 6, 7, 9...there were things you did not want to do but your mom made you do them. I don't wanna go to school today, I don't wanna go to the doctor's , I don't want ham for dinner...And she made you go to school, she made you go to the doctor's and she made you eat ham for dinner. You cried but you survived.
It is her turn now...I don't wanna have help, I don't wanna go to Day Care...she to may cry but she will survive.
You explain that the person you are having come in to do some housework is not for her but for you. And that this is non-negotiable.
So call the Social Worker, see what other help is available. Your mom may find that she likes Adult Day Care she may find that she likes having someone help her out a bit more. She may find that a caregiver that has more time than just running in to give her a shower and leaving, one that can sit down and have a conversation with her, play cards, talk about her likes, get her out for a walk if she is able something like that might be pretty nice!
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Tiger55 Sep 7, 2019
Agree 100%, spot on! Grandma1954.
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Boundaries.

It is time to explore other residential options for mom. Reclaim your life and your home. Easier said? Yes.

Are there care homes in your area? They are often cheaper than assisted living and often accept Medicaid. Some are actually quite nice.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Happyplace Sep 7, 2019
Thank you for your advice. I do need to set better boundaries. Slowly I'm doing it but I get a lot of pushback, as I'm sure you understand.

As far as a care home, I can look into it. She is not on Medicaid yet because she sold her house and is still in her look back period for another two years I believe. So my understanding is that it would have to be a private pay situation at this point.
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