My brother lives with my mother, she's 91, and he is mentally unstable. She is getting cognitively challenged and that is troubling. Today I found out that my brother has filed a document stating that as of today everything she owns will go to him when she passes away. She had a will but it disappeared when she was in the hospital. The document is a Power of Attorney for Property. I talked to her today, I live 1000 miles away, and tried to explain what the document says. She doesn't remember signing it and doesn't remember going to the notary. She is not aware of what is even in it! So now it appears that all 5 children will only see my one brother getting everything. He is her caretaker but really can't take care of himself. My brother from Cal is there visiting and he said that my brother heated up a tv dinner for her 3 days in a row for her to eat for dinner! Of course she didn't want to eat it. She lives in Illinois and I'm at a loss as to how to change that document back to her original will and how to get my brother out of her business. I would love to get him committed or at least to stay away from her finances. I feel like I'm living in a movie because I've seen these plots before; deranged son takes advantage of aged mother! Any thoughts, anyone had an issue like this?
How did caregiver brother get the permanent job? Did any of the other siblings step up to help or say that he shouldn’t be doing it? Until now when it looks like he’s going to walk off with the loot?
If a TV dinner is so bad, how about siblings chipping in to take casseroles over for caregiver brother to warm
up? Meals on wheels? Restaurant delivery? Lots of options.
Many elders survive on commercially frozen foods. Marie Callender. Boston Market. Hungry Man. Not me, but I understand some of them are good. Cooking gets to be a hassle, and my retirement community friends enjoy a frozen food break sometimes.
Not really a help to the poster but serving this food is not neglect. If only one sibling is around then this very occurrence often happens regarding wills etc. The other 4 siblings need to band together and consider seeking legal help but if none are in the vicinity it is much more difficult. None of them seem to be there for the day to day care. Stories like this remind me I am glad to have been an only child.
Why is it the only time siblings get involved with their elderly parents and start wars with their other siblings is when MONEY is on the table? I always wonder that. Why brother wasn't deranged before now, or why mother didnt need a better caregiver, or why nobody else intervened or advocated for her until The Will came up? It leads one to think nobody cares about MOM but just moms MONEY. Very sad.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ sparked this conversation! Mom’s welfare doesn’t seem to be the priority.
I was in a situation where I was criticized by my siblings. I got so fed up with it that I passed the baton to my older brother.
I told mom to move in with my brother since they both felt that I wasn’t doing enough, even though I was doing all that I possibly could.
I walked away and allowed my brother to see for himself just what I went through.
My mom knew that I did my very best while caring for her. For some reason, she would occasionally pit my siblings and I against each other. She apologized to me for her behavior. I forgave her.
Lo and behold, my brother apologized to me and we healed our relationship. Not one word was spoken about money for us. Every penny was spent on my mother’s care.
I give my brother credit because he did an amazing job with Mom, while still maintaining his own life as best he could.
Mom realized that she needed more care than any of her children could ever give her. She prayed nightly for an answer. We found a hospice care home for her to move into. She died in 2021.
In November of this year. my brother died. I’m proud to say that we grew very close to one another. I miss him terribly.
Life is too short for all of this foolishness. Do what is best for your mother. Make that your priority. Hopefully, the rest will fall into place.
Wishing your family peace.
"...I discovered a document that my brother either bought or got from a lawyer that gives everything she has to him when she dies. Previously she had other brother in charge of her things. I spoke with her today and she doesn't remember signing this document or even know what it's about. My brother and I are at a loss. My mother had a will that said everything was to be distributed evenly to all 5 of her children. When she was in the hospital it disappeared. So, I am very frustrated about him and how he treats her. She has been brainwashed by him and his mental issues make me worry that she is not really safe at home. Not sure what to do about him."
So, maybe some of this is being drive by control, money and inheritance issues?
Are you saying that your Mom assigned a new PoA (active while she's alive) and made a new Last Will (only matters after she passes)? Who is the Executor of the Will?
Please consider that your Mother (in her right mind) wanted to compensate your brother for all the 24/7 care he provided. This is her right to make this decision and she was under no obligation to tell anyone. You found out by "accident". Maybe she *now* doesn't remember doing it but that doesn't mean she didn't have capacity when she made the documents. Are they legally finalized? Notarized, with witnesses? Are there signs of financial abuse? If so, take this to an attorney to discuss.
I wouldn't consider someone to be "deranged" simply because his meal offerings were tv dinners 3 days in a row. Please consider your brother is burned out caring for your Mom. Have you asked your brother if he'd like a longer break or needs more daily help? Maybe it is time for your Mom to transition to AL or MC. Whoever is your Mom's PoAs needs to make sure those powers are now active and they need to have this discussion together.
Regarding "leaving everything" to your brother... there may not be much left depending on your Mom's health and what transpires while she is exiting this earth.
He served her TV dinners? Damn, what did the Police say?
You're only worried that you might not be getting inheritance. Pathetic. If he's your mother's caretaker then he deserves it.
A notary DOES nothing but witness a signature.
They do not examine a signer. They simply say they have ID papers that say that this person signed this document.
Your brother is caring for your mother. Of COURSE he should have POA. Who ELSE should do it?
You say brother is "deranged".d
How is it that wasn't a problem for the other siblings until all of this about POA and wills came up? You siblings have allowed, apparently, a "deranged sibling" to have the care of your elder? For HOW long?
In all honesty, and I cannot know the details here, the person who is caring for your mother all this time, (she is now 91), who is feeding her, caring for the home, taking her to appointments and etc. is the person who I personally feel is most deserving of (if not entitled to) whatever estate she leaves. And at 91 there may not be a whole lot of an estate left.
And the person caring for her definitely should be her POA at this time.
IMHO.
Disagree? Well then y'all should go to an elder law attorney in your Mom's area for advice and options. I wish you the best.
Your so called, ‘deranged’ brother is the one caring for your mother! Why is it that you are just now complaining about him? He is fine for caregiving but not for receiving any compensation for his work, is that what you’re saying?
If you don’t want your mom to eat TV dinners, why haven’t you been helping him? There’s five of you and one of him. Is that fair?
See an attorney if you like about the will.
While you are thinking of ways to receive your mom’s money, consider removing the burden from your brother as your mom’s primary caregiver and find a nice facility for her to eat delicious institutional food! Would that be a fair deal for everyone?
Wishing your family, including your ‘deranged’ brother all the best.
Does he have any additional caregivers, respite, help with cleaning, cooking?
Caregiver burnt out is real and can manifest itself in many ways.
Or unstable deceitful fraudster?
Very strong views.
A professional look at the FACTS may be needed.
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