For the last year i have been sole caregiver to my husband. We both had full time jobs. I've dedicated myself to his well being and he has his 32 year old son lives here free, doesn't help and screams in my face in my house. I'm POA and no one else will look after him as he is not safe alone but he is physical, mean and verbally abusive as well. I'm trapped, we are struggling so bad my own family doesn't stand behind me but constantly call on me and I can't say no. Overwhelmed
Regarding your husband, some way some how, you need to get him into a nursing home. That's where he belongs. You can not care for a violent person who threatens your safety.
Once he's there you can focus on your son. You need to evict him. You will need help from an attorney to do this. If possible, sell the house and move somewhere else. If you rent, that's even better, just move and don't let him into your new place.
Regarding your relatives, stop pleasing them. They are only taking advantage of you. Do you really need their approval?
The son...its going to be hard to evict him. But, you do have to stand up to him. He should be paying board. Don't do anything for him. He is capable of doing for himself. If hs ever hits you, call the police. They will take him out of the home. Ask the Police if you can change the locks. That you have no problem in him coming back for his belongings but he will need a police escort to do so. That he is not a renter and gives nothing towards utilities, etc.
As far as your family is concerned you need to say no when they call on you,
Things you can do to help yourself -
1) talk to your local agency for aging to see what options there are for your hub.
2) talk to your local social services to see what advice and support they can give you for yourself and your hub
3) tell your own doctor about the situation you are in and ask for help
4) talk to your hub's doctor about his behaviour and ask for help
5) say no to your family when they call you. Decide on your response before the next call - like - "No I couldn't possibly do that," or "I am not able to help you with that" , or "No, that would not work for me". Expect them to pressure you and ask you why. You do not have to give them any reasons or explain, just continue to say No and end the conversation. "Gotta go now, Have a good day".
You are in the abused servant role, no doubt due to the treatment you had in childhood. Only you can take the steps to get yourself out of it, It can be done. Reaching out here is a good step. Wishing you all the best. Keep in touch.