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The starting point of her anger is her own hygiene! She refuses to change her dirty clothes and if the helper succeed in changing her ( mom is in a care home in an appartment) she changes back in her dirty clothes. Now she refuses to be washed once a week, because she thinks it is every day. Last week she hit the helper and almost hit me.The comforting answers I used to give her and the reasonable ones ( last resort) doesn't work anymore. Everything anger her: the food ( delicious but she loose taste), people, the care. She wants to leave and I' m the big bad daughter. She's 86 and was diagnosed at 84 with moderate to advanced dementia. Her health is mostly good.What is the best move the best words to help her? I' m at lost!

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Especially as hygiene has become the trigger issue, I would suspect a u.t.i. It's certainly worth checking, if only to rule it out.

What sort of care home is your mother's apartment in? If they claim to offer specialist dementia care, this is the time for them to step up and use that expertise - after all, that's what your mother is paying for. If not, and she's getting beyond them too, then it might be time to look for a more highly specialised memory care unit or facility for her.

I'm very sorry not to be able to suggest any magic formula you could use. Sadly, anger and disorientation could be part of the progression of her disease - nothing anyone can say will put things right in her brain. I'm so sorry for what you're both having to go through.
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You can tell her the moon is made of blue cheese if it makes her happier in the moment, but her agitation when you are not there indicates that she is fearful and unhappy and probably in pain from her condition, something more needs to be done to help her be happy and comfortable.
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Lichen hurts very much especially when water or urine burns the open sores. and it being in that private area doesnt help :(
Mom fought me over her dirty underwear it was hard to sneak clean ones after i got her to take off the dirty ones- quick switch hiding them. But if you are only there once a week- Personally I would ask about anti-anxiety meds for her, a very small amount.
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I'm not sure what your fear of calming meds is based on. Dementia is a progressive, degenerative neurological disease. In essence, your mom's brain is broken.

Our first clue with our mom was that she was way more anxious than she'd ever been in the past (and she was plenty anxious before) and that everything agitated her and was an emergency. Mom had to leave her home and go to an Independent Living facility due to her anxiety and agitation (which was mostly due to her cognitive decline, although we didn't know about that until later).

So, anxiety and agitation are the symptoms, the enemy, the thing to treat.

Talk to a geriatric psychiatrist about what your mom's medication needs are right now.
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It is possible to have lichens scléreux AND still get a UTI, has she been tested?
I would think that a home of the type she lives in would soon get fed up with an argumentative, smelly, violent resident, it's not as though there are dozens of aides to share the load. What advice are they giving you?
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Is she on meds for agitation? B
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Thank you all of you. God bless you all. I'll give you an update tomorrow after my day ( 9 to 3 pm)with her.
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yes big hugs. i am going through the same agitation with my mom. she is 78 years old. and got diagnosed with dementia. i don't know what to do. she is not eating and says weird things. But be strong Michou, bc you are not alone and sending you prayers to make you strong. you can be there for her and just say that this is all that you can do, just be there for her and take deep breaths. that's what i do.
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I'd address the issue of whether she has pain that she cannot verbalize.

Also, staff who are trained to work with dementia patients deal with those who don't like baths all the time and they do a great job. Those who are not equipped seem to have the most difficulty.

I'm not sure that a Social worker saying that they just won't bathe her would cut it with me. So, is mom really capable of attending to her own hygiene needs? This is for a woman who refuses to change into clean underwear? I don't follow.

I'd explore her agitation and see if medication is needed. There are stages of dementia, but, there is no guarantee that her agitation will pass. I'd just do more research on dementia. Unless this social worker is specifically qualified to provide this opinion, I'd do my own independent research.

Also, I have discovered that the Memory Care unit where my LO resides plays music when the residents are getting their baths.  It helps them relax.  
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Thank you all of you. The off the showertime worked well as the staff didn't come back each day till she said yes. They asked once and accept her refusal. The next week, she was ok with the shower.

Now, they will check if she has uti ( the doctor come once a month). He's pretty sure she hasn't.
Mom used to wash herself by hand and put the same clothes again for the weekmwhen she was younger and more sane so she tried to keepmher old ways but with the memory problems weeks turn to months.. with the respite, she is now more open to talk about her clothes and accept suggestions. Phew! What a relief... for the time being.
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