Mom just made 6 weeks since her periprosthetic hip fracture and 5 weeks in rehab. She would now this week be able to put weight on that side. Now this (I’m getting to it).
Since my brother and SIL have taken over decision making they have completely refused to update me on her status. I have still been visiting her to offer emotional support letting her know how much I care. We’ve had some good visits that have given us both peace. When I ask her things about her condition she truly does not know. She still thinks I should go with her to appts but I just tell her I can’t. Brother and SIL takes care of it all.
Fast forward to this week. I got a call from the palliative care social worker who apparently did not see the revocation of my POA. Until I told her then she saw it. Wished I hadn’t told her because then she didn’t want to give me updates as to the latest because she was afraid she wasn’t supposed to. Even though I was still an emergency contact and should still be on her HIPAA. She told me to just contact my brother. Right.
So I did some digging. I called her nursing facility to see how mom was doing. She informed me that earlier that day (yesterday) she had been transported to the hospital. So I went on her hospital system portal. Fortunately I had set up that access and still had it. So glad I did. I saw the ER visit, that she had been intubated and then transferred to ICU.
My brother and SIL didn’t even have the decency to let me know my mother was having a life threatening emergency. No notification whatsoever. For all I knew she may be dying or worse already passed. I’m still incredulous how cold hearted they are.
My husband got off work and went with me to the hospital. My brother was sitting a few feet from her room making phone calls, looked at me and never spoke. I’m sure he’s wondering how I found out she was there. I just have to laugh thinking about it. We went in and I got all the updates from the lovely ICU nurse on exactly what was going on and what would likely be the plan along with a phone number to call and get updates. Sadly Mom was fully sedated and had mitts on her hands so I couldn’t even hold her hand. We were there 30-45 min and my brother never came in and acknowledged our presence. Just as well.
And yes, at 90 yo and in an incredibly frail body she is having every heroic measure possible. It’s really disturbing to see her lying there with tubes down her throat. What’s she going to be like after? I believe they are doing her a disservice. They’ve e convinced her she just needs to fight fight fight. Just why.
None of this should be a surprise, I know. He’s (they’ve) got real problems. But I’m glad I can show my brother that I will not be bullied. And that I will be there for my mom.
If, a big IF, she comes out of this, I’m pretty certain she’s going to be worse off than she already was. I’m so sorry she has to go through this.
I, too am so very sorry she has to go through this, but do know that almost no one gets out of ICU remembering ANYTHING about it at all. It is like amnesia. They simply don't remember a thing about it. And I agree with others that it is very unlikely that your Mom will ever get off of the ventilator. She is sedated. And this is likely how she will pass now, peacefully. There may have been a catastrophic event such as a stroke or something, a clot thrown to the lung after surgery.
I am very sorry, I do think her agony may soon be over and the fact no one informed you shows that this couple, your brother and SIL are, in my opinion, quite sinister. You will be well rid of them when you lose your dear Mom. I am so very relieved you found out and could be there for her. She doesn't know, but you DO and that will be a comfort.
I would continue to say little as possible to brother. He is not well, it sounds, and is in deep denial. Let him be. Be there to see you dear mom. Again, just so sorry it's come to this.
People can still die from cardiac arrest while on the vent so it might be that she will start shutting down despite these heroic measures.
Any notes in her chart about dialysis?
I may have written this before but won't hurt to do it again. My RN daughter, who works in NHs, has seen Medical POAs override the persons wishes. So seems what you need to put in your Medical proxy should have a clause "My wishes are not to be overrided".
So sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m trying to take the high road and just trying to be there for mom. If I went by my feelings I could definitely blast him/them with some very harsh words.
But this is about MOM - not him or me. The nurses in ICU are very nice to me and willingly give me status updates and I can tell they get the gist of the relationship.
And thank you for that advice. I will definitely keep that in mind. If nothing else has helped me to see what I DO NOT want to happen for myself and my kids/loved ones.