I find myself getting angry with my mother for not being able to control her bladder and bowel. Any advice?

You're not angry with your mother. You're angry with whatever is causing you to have to deal, quite literally, with all this sh*t, and who wouldn't be? But you know, you've said yourself, she doesn't deserve this attitude - just stretch that thought out to 'she isn't doing this, the disease is doing it to her.' At least you don't have to sit in it! Just imagine what it's doing to the remaining shreds of her sense of self, poor lady.

Do you live anywhere near a home-collecting professional laundry service? If so, use it - hang what it costs. That was the single most useful thing I found during mother's double incontinence bed bound phase. I went crazy enough as it was, but without my local laundry I'd have been running out of bedlinen and working 26 hours a day instead. Failing that, see if there's simple domestic help you can get - a no-nonsense cleaning woman who'll also handle some of the laundry chores.

What support are you getting with your mother's personal care? Is any help available to you with that?

Thats a great idea! Ive jyst last week hired a qeekly housekeeper to come one day a week. Never even thought of a laundry service, though! My only sibling died 16 months ago, but he never helped with mom anyway. Part of my sick mund thinks shes doing it on purpose, but I know thats absurd! We cant even leave the house as her Depends cant contain her urine and feces. It makes me hope that I die before I get to this point...

Your sick mind nothing! Listen, when it's two in the morning, and you've just got her settled (again), and you're turning out the light and thinking 'bed! Sweet sweet bed..!' and then you catch that unmistakeable whiff and are sooooooo tempted to pretend you didn't...

It is *impossible* not to believe she did it on purpose. How else could her timing be *that* perfect?

Monkey doo
You're a hero
Instead of depends maybe try the ones that wrap around the legs and fasten at the waist
Only those that are ambulatory wear the depends style at my mom's memory care center - anyone lying in bed uses the rip off ones
I don't think my mom's poor bedridden roommate has any family checking in on her and she is at the complete mercy of hired staff - your mom is very lucky to have you
Hang in there and try to accept help from whoever offers - my siblings do nothing for mom but my good friend and housekeeper treat her like their own mama when I'm not around

Monkeydoo, are you able to get a full night's sleep most nights, or are you up and down cleaning up after your mother's accidents?

I have to admit I am often not very nice to be around when mom is in the throes of another bowel episode, the words S*** and F*** just come boiling out. I know it isn't her fault, I know it is terribly difficult for her as well, but it is just so damned hard!! And then she will apologize in a tiny voice and I will feel lower than a worm.
And keep looking for ways to make clean up easier, as Madge mentioned, try other brands/types of incontinence products.

Churchmouse-maybe the mom can't help it.

Of course she can't help it! No 'maybe' about it!

All I'm saying is that sometimes it's impossible not to *feel* as though she must be doing it on purpose. Not that she really *is*.

CM a pure example of how brit humour doesn't always travel well. My mother has a trip switch. Whilst Pavlovs dogs slavered to a signal my mum poops to the signal of food. The second I place food in front of her yup I need to poop. I have to say I get very very irate at having to leave MY food to help her in the toilet. I know it aint her fault but after a few sleepless nights my brain sure as h*ll isn't firing on all cylinders and it feels very much as if it is deliberate.

When you were a baby you did the same thing. So before she continually does it, try taking her to the bathroom. Of course she is depressed. Wouldn't you be; so don't make it worse for her, let her have some dignity and respect.

Ah if only vtrenus. In my case I tell my mum 10 minutes before I put the meal on the table. I suggest she goes, she refuses. I cant 'force' her to go to the bathroom - I can only strongly suggest...if I repeat myself I am 'going on' or 'nagging'.

I was unaware of the product you are referring to. Do you know the brand name? Unless I am physically unable to care for her needs, Mom will stay in her home cared for by me, seeing her grandsons and great grandchildren. The babies are the only thing that seem to bring her any happiness (me too, for that matter) when i babysit. I have hired a housekeeper finally and am going to get someone to sit with her so i can go to church and maybe get a social life. My Mom has been the rock for our family wven though she had a horrible childhood herself. Shes been depressed my entire life. That is why i feel guilty being short with her. The loss of my brother 18 months ago has been hard on her. I just hate to see her suffer or be the cause of any additional pain by my smart ass attitude.

CTTN55, I am able to sleep with the help of medicine. She sleeps so much herself, thats part of the problem. Like a baby who wakes up in the morning with a wet diaper, youre glad they slept through the night, but its a mess come morning. I mainly feel very sad, like Im just waiting on /dreading for her to die. Most of my friends parents have passed, so I try to be grateful that she is still here. But every morning i am scared to go check to make sure she lived through the night.

When going out mother wears two depends, a vinyl brief over that and a full boxer brief to hold everything in. I carry disposable pads to sit on and a carry pack with extra depends, vinyl,wipes,gloves,pads. Sometimes extra clothing if we plan to be out for a while. She is 78 and incontinent. I don't blame her, rather i try to shield her from any embarrassment making her feel it's no big deal. Took me a while to get to that point. It is hard because I have to think for her guessing when she should toliet.
With God’s help I am able to help her maintain some dignity.

sleeping 20 hours a day may be her problem. She needs to exercise--if you can get her some rehab do it. My mom was declining and she used to fall weekly. Sometimes twice a week. I made her start walking. It took an entire year of seven days a week walking she can do a quarter of a mile with her walker. Before she could not even go a half block without about collapsing. Now she can walk a half mile after nearly two years. She has not fallen all year (so far not for 8 months). I started her walking for fear of her becoming incontinent. It's helped her a lot. As long as you are with her and guide her walker..but I don't know how weak she is. But that's most likely her problem she's sleeping too much and gotten really weak.

Thank you so much for asking the question! I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I try so hard not to get angry because I KNOW it not my Mom's fault. Some days it just trying, I've already looked up a local laundry service and am ready to go...THANK YOU!!!

We got a Dekor diaper pail for my 92 yr old mother-in-law's Depends. She moved in with us recently and has bladder leakage. Her bathroom is just off our kitchen so it was a bad situation. The Dekor looks like a nice waste basket and has a continuous bag that you cut and tie off. You don't have to push the diaper through a twisted bag like one of them. It works incredibly well at containing odor. I was emptying it twice a day. She wanted to be able to do it herself and we found that if we put it up on a little table she can handle it. It took her awhile to get the hang of it but she now empties it once a day and that's enough, there's no smell.

@Monkeydoo you are a wonderful daughter. You are in an extremely stressful and frustrating situation. I too have had angry outbursts with my mom. To keep this short - regardless of its source or cause, my anger was a signal to me that the job was more than I could handle. And the job will only get harder. Please consider having her cared for by someone else so that you can focus your love on her. Neither of you need the anger and your mom will be hurt by it. My sincere best to you in this difficult time.

If Mom is walking brief type (brand name Depends) are great but if she is not walking and at night use the tab or diaper type. Much easier to change and for someone that does not walk well or has balance problems the tab type are much safer.
When my husband was able to stand, but balance was bad, I would put the tab type on him but "backwards" so the tab portion was in the front. This way when I stood behind him and positioned it I could use his body and body weight to pull the brief tight so it would not slip around.
At night or when a person is in bed most of the time place the tabs on the bed just like you would for a baby.
Rolling a person is pretty easy once you do it a few times and they get used to it and they can help and that makes it even easier. There are plenty of instructional videos on YouTube that demonstrate how.
Just like a baby get your supplies ready before you start.
Have under pads ready to place on the sheet. This cuts way down on the laundry. Or at least it is a light wash not a heavily soiled load.

One of the things that seems to help when trying to move my husband is counting. 1...2...3..then do whatever motion you are going to do. We are ingrained from a young age that "something" happens after 1..2..3...so if you start a 1..2..3.. count then roll she will become used to that.

And you have every right to be angry.
You have every right to be frustrated.
As most of you that have read my answers and comments you know what is going to come next....
Given the fact that she is loosing weight at the rate she is and that she is sleeping that amount of time she is have you considered calling Hospice to help you?
I have a CNA that comes in to help a few times a week, I get the supplies I need, I get the equipment I need and more importantly I get support form the CNA, The nurse, the Social Worker. I can cry on a shoulder when I need, I can ask questions and I always get a "you are doing a great job..is there anything you need"?
And as I have mentioned there are For Profit Hospice and Not for Profit Hospice I think the quality of the Not for Profit Hospice that we are with is outstanding.

And you need a Support Group. You need to get out and be able to vent and cry and have people tell you that they know exactly what you are going through.
(On line is great but you can not get a real hug on line)

I got to thinking about it recently - I figure, using extreamly conservative figures, that I have changed well over 15,000 diapers. It has been 23 continuous years of diaper changing. The longest break I ever had was five days when I eloped with my amazing hubby. That type of break has happened once - other than that, there have been maybe a dozen three-day weekends but they don't count much as I changed a diaper before I left and again on the day I came home. I also traveled a bit back when I worked - so maybe 200 days without changing a diaper in 23 years - total. Now - there are about three or four topics, lines of reasoning etc that just. set. me. off. That asinine "they did it for you when you were a baby" bullsh!t is one. I have changed my baby's diaper for 23 years. I accept it as my responsibility as I chose to bring him into the world - he didn't ask to be here. To insinuate that every adult child "owes" it to their parent to do anything - is immature over-simplification. I will change my mind when you find me the fetus that enters into an agreement as to what expectations they will meet during their lifetime in exchange for birth. Now - I've got go settle down. Back with diaper wisdom at another time.

vtrenus, just curious. Is your loved one double incontinent? If you are and you have constructive experience to share about how to engender dignity and respect in that situation, please do. Otherwise, knock off the criticism please.

Monkeydoo knows that her mother doesn't deserve her anger. She is looking for help in managing this very human response to this distasteful task.

And caring for adults who are incontinent and bed-bound is not remotely like caring for a baby.

V, agree with Jeanne. Caring for a baby is not anything close to similar to caring for an elderly person. That comparison is completely unfair.

Monkeydoo, I cared for my mom 24/7 for four years. My line in the sand, so to speak, was when she became incontinent which is quite common. This was the point that I was going to have to fly the white flag of surrender, when I could no longer handle the care, when mom would receive better qualified help than I coyld provide to her. How much more do you think you can take? That is your call. And whatever feels right to you is what is best for mom as well. Is it time to pass on her increasing need for care to someone more equipped and trained? Only you can answer that question. It is OK to decide that you are not willing or able to care for mom any longer. Do what is right for you!

Not to be overly graphic - but Rainman had a blow out in bed Monday morning that was especially horrific. 5:00 am and it's taking both my hubby and me to contain the mess - showering Rainman, stripping the bed, two loads of laundry on the sanitary cycle - hell, I just threw the pajamas away! 50 babies could not have produced the mess we had to deal with. No - not even remotely like taking care of a baby. A babies dirty diaper is almost cute in comparison.

I feel for u. Been there done that. My problem is I am very sensitive to smells. I found juices, coffee and canned fruit did a job on Mom so I cut them out per her doctor. I always asked Mom if she needed to go before meals. Hated having to clean up right before I ate. I knew it wasn't her fault, but she could tell I didn't like doing it. Mom is now in an AL literally up the street from me. Nice that some of the responsibility is off my shoulders. I see her everyday and prefer to wash her clothes. Like my house, she thinks she is just visiting. She has more freedom their and more socialization. Small facility so easier to get to know residents. Now, just need to sell the house.

My hubby has a really sensitive gag reflex - bless his heart, he tries to be helpful but the majority of the clean up always falls to me - hubby can't even be in the same room when the cat is having a hair ball issue! Frankly, surgical gloves are my best friend - I get them at Costco, 400 gloves at a pop. Gloves and lots and lots of baby wipes. Costco brand baby wipes are the best I've used - a bit stronger and larger than the typical wipe.

Monkeydoo: I hear you! I was that same angry person when I had to leave my Maryland home and move to Massachusetts, where my mother was demanding to live alone in her own home. I was wiping poop off the bathroom floor and then the toilet seat daily. I really had too use it, too! My mother had lost her olfactory sense and also was waiting far too long to get up and use the toilet! I said "what's with the underpants being handwashed by you?" Response from mom: "oh, nothing." The deal breaker was when she used the shower seat as a toilet and no, not urine! UGH! I also had to have the "you have an odor about you....would you rather me, your daughter tell you or be embarrassed when your best friend tells you conversation?"

Monkeydoo: The other day I posted on another thread here that I hope when I get up there in age and I'm unaware t

contiiued-That someone says to me "hey lady, you stink!" LOL!

meant to say CONTINUED! I hate that there's no edit button on here!

Of course the OP's mom can't help it. We may all get there should we live that long!