I find myself getting angry with my mother for not being able to control her bladder and bowel. Any advice?

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I have never been a mean person, but the constant cleaning up after, the smell and the laundry is stressing me out. She doesn't deserve my attitude, but I don't seem to be able to handle this. She is 80, extremely depressed, sleeps 20 hours a day, is losing 5-10 pounds a month, is legally blind and hard of hearing. This is so painful to watch!

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You're not angry with your mother. You're angry with whatever is causing you to have to deal, quite literally, with all this sh*t, and who wouldn't be? But you know, you've said yourself, she doesn't deserve this attitude - just stretch that thought out to 'she isn't doing this, the disease is doing it to her.' At least you don't have to sit in it! Just imagine what it's doing to the remaining shreds of her sense of self, poor lady.

Do you live anywhere near a home-collecting professional laundry service? If so, use it - hang what it costs. That was the single most useful thing I found during mother's double incontinence bed bound phase. I went crazy enough as it was, but without my local laundry I'd have been running out of bedlinen and working 26 hours a day instead. Failing that, see if there's simple domestic help you can get - a no-nonsense cleaning woman who'll also handle some of the laundry chores.

What support are you getting with your mother's personal care? Is any help available to you with that?
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I have to admit I am often not very nice to be around when mom is in the throes of another bowel episode, the words S*** and F*** just come boiling out. I know it isn't her fault, I know it is terribly difficult for her as well, but it is just so damned hard!! And then she will apologize in a tiny voice and I will feel lower than a worm.
And keep looking for ways to make clean up easier, as Madge mentioned, try other brands/types of incontinence products.
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Monkey doo
You're a hero
Instead of depends maybe try the ones that wrap around the legs and fasten at the waist
Only those that are ambulatory wear the depends style at my mom's memory care center - anyone lying in bed uses the rip off ones
I don't think my mom's poor bedridden roommate has any family checking in on her and she is at the complete mercy of hired staff - your mom is very lucky to have you
Hang in there and try to accept help from whoever offers - my siblings do nothing for mom but my good friend and housekeeper treat her like their own mama when I'm not around
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CM a pure example of how brit humour doesn't always travel well. My mother has a trip switch. Whilst Pavlovs dogs slavered to a signal my mum poops to the signal of food. The second I place food in front of her yup I need to poop. I have to say I get very very irate at having to leave MY food to help her in the toilet. I know it aint her fault but after a few sleepless nights my brain sure as h*ll isn't firing on all cylinders and it feels very much as if it is deliberate.
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We got a Dekor diaper pail for my 92 yr old mother-in-law's Depends. She moved in with us recently and has bladder leakage. Her bathroom is just off our kitchen so it was a bad situation. The Dekor looks like a nice waste basket and has a continuous bag that you cut and tie off. You don't have to push the diaper through a twisted bag like one of them. It works incredibly well at containing odor. I was emptying it twice a day. She wanted to be able to do it herself and we found that if we put it up on a little table she can handle it. It took her awhile to get the hang of it but she now empties it once a day and that's enough, there's no smell.
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Thats a great idea! Ive jyst last week hired a qeekly housekeeper to come one day a week. Never even thought of a laundry service, though! My only sibling died 16 months ago, but he never helped with mom anyway. Part of my sick mund thinks shes doing it on purpose, but I know thats absurd! We cant even leave the house as her Depends cant contain her urine and feces. It makes me hope that I die before I get to this point...
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Of course she can't help it! No 'maybe' about it!

All I'm saying is that sometimes it's impossible not to *feel* as though she must be doing it on purpose. Not that she really *is*.
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When going out mother wears two depends, a vinyl brief over that and a full boxer brief to hold everything in. I carry disposable pads to sit on and a carry pack with extra depends, vinyl,wipes,gloves,pads. Sometimes extra clothing if we plan to be out for a while. She is 78 and incontinent. I don't blame her, rather i try to shield her from any embarrassment making her feel it's no big deal. Took me a while to get to that point. It is hard because I have to think for her guessing when she should toliet.
With God’s help I am able to help her maintain some dignity.
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I got to thinking about it recently - I figure, using extreamly conservative figures, that I have changed well over 15,000 diapers. It has been 23 continuous years of diaper changing. The longest break I ever had was five days when I eloped with my amazing hubby. That type of break has happened once - other than that, there have been maybe a dozen three-day weekends but they don't count much as I changed a diaper before I left and again on the day I came home. I also traveled a bit back when I worked - so maybe 200 days without changing a diaper in 23 years - total. Now - there are about three or four topics, lines of reasoning etc that just. set. me. off. That asinine "they did it for you when you were a baby" bullsh!t is one. I have changed my baby's diaper for 23 years. I accept it as my responsibility as I chose to bring him into the world - he didn't ask to be here. To insinuate that every adult child "owes" it to their parent to do anything - is immature over-simplification. I will change my mind when you find me the fetus that enters into an agreement as to what expectations they will meet during their lifetime in exchange for birth. Now - I've got go settle down. Back with diaper wisdom at another time.
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Not to be overly graphic - but Rainman had a blow out in bed Monday morning that was especially horrific. 5:00 am and it's taking both my hubby and me to contain the mess - showering Rainman, stripping the bed, two loads of laundry on the sanitary cycle - hell, I just threw the pajamas away! 50 babies could not have produced the mess we had to deal with. No - not even remotely like taking care of a baby. A babies dirty diaper is almost cute in comparison.
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