Hello! I am a 25 year old lady who is currently living at home with my mom and sister. For years, my 76-year-old grandmother lived about 10 mins away from us in our small town. She had a great life, going to church, lots of friends and had our support. The only thing is that she constantly would berate her entire family, and I don't mean the occasional insult or snipe, but we literally couldn't get through one conversation without her arguing with us. She basically alienated all of us. One day, we find out she left to move out of state randomly. We were all concerned but she told us she would call the police or getting a restraining order against us if we visited her.

As weird as this sounds, I didn't think this was odd. My grandmother has been the type of person who is incredibly defiant and really doesn't care too much about her family. She doesn't bluff or make up stories. She will do what she says. Flash forward to December 2019, I had a weird feeling so I decided to call her. Her demeanor was calm and she tells me she has dementia. I was a bit surprised, but also dubious. I really thought she wasn't telling the truth. Throughout January and February, I kid you not, she was calling every day 4-5 times after that, after no contact forever. Most conversations were weird, like why I was still single and what's wrong with my life, yadda yadda.

My mom gets a call from her in the beginning of February and she said she was afraid to go back to her apartment because someone robbed her. She refused to go back and the hospital that had her (which I assume was going through an early COVID spike) was not going to keep her there. They offered to take her home but she refused. We ended up traveling 4 hours to get to her and 4 hours back. After two weeks, we were going to take her home but she still refused to go back. A month went by and she still refused to go home. Then boom, lockdown happens. Friends in her city are getting sick with COVID, her place is lockdown and things are getting worse at home.

Flash forward to today, my grandmother is still here. These past seven months have been literal hell. Basically, her having dementia has really only amplified her hatred for all of us. The rest of the family is so distanced from her that we haven't had any help. So far she has tried to fight with all of us, she hides her stuff, she thinks we're stealing from her, she tells her friends we hurt her, she thinks my sister and I are adopted. A whole bunch of confabulations and delusions. As I type this now, my grandmother is trying to leave, saying she doesn't care about COVID, said she'll push herself down the stairs and claim that we did it. She threatened to burn our place down.

My mom is extremely burned out. My sister and I are trying to help but we can't live through this. Our best solution is to take her home and get her an aide. Is this the best thing to do? She refuses to give us POA. She refuses to get a doctor. There's really not much she wants us to do and quite angrily reacts at any suggestion we offer her. What should we do? Should we call 911? 211? Honestly, I'm hurt, horrified and a wreck.

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I totally agree With Toni from RVA that she needs a psychiatric evaluation and probably medication to calm her which can be done in a hospital. She is a danger to herself or others is the reason to request psychiatric hospitalization. Next, someone would be needed to be appointed as her guardian and that is done by a judge with what is called a 2 PC (2 Psychiatrists stating she is incompetent to care for herself) She may need to be placed in a facility after that. I am so sorry for what you and your family are enduring.
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Reply to KathleenQ

I'm confused, your profile says she's 29 and in assisted living? I'm assuming you mistyped the age, but is the AL part accurate?
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Reply to ZippyZee

I'm sorry for the situation that you've been put in due to COVID-19. Do not send her home even with an aide. She needs a psych eval due to threat of self harm and harm to others. Call the non-emergency police # to see if they could take her in on a 72 hour hold. When in the hospital let them know that she needs to be evaluated about her living situation & her inability to make decisions and care for self. They may need to have a judge appoint a guardian in order to make the decision about placement in a Memory Care unit since she won't appoint a family member. Tell them that because of threats of harm you can't take her back to your home. Have the Social Worker or Case Manager work on new discharge plans. Do not take her back home. She needs help & won't get it by herself.
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Reply to ToniFromRVA

Call 911 and tell the paramedics all about her erratic behavior and threats of self harm and to burn your house down. After she gets to the hospital, let the social worker know you cannot and will not be taking her back home with you, that its impossible to do so as you fear for your life. Make sure to play up her threats to throw herself down the stairs and blame you. A psych eval and placement is warranted for grandma. Meds may help calm her down and get the agitation and paranoia soothed a bit too.

Dementia worsens all the previous behaviors they had and magnifies them. My mother was always mean and bitter, now with dementia, she's meaner and more bitter and vicious. She also lives in in a Memory Care Assisted Living and pays others to put up with her b.s..

You need to make everyone understand your home IS NOT AN OPTION for granny anymore. Wherever she goes, as long as it's not to your house, you're good with it. Apply for Medicaid if necessary,,,,the social worker can guide you accordingly.

Don't look at it as she's "playing you"......shes sick and in need of placement where a team of trained care givers can see to her needs 24/7 now, that's all.

Best of luck!!!
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Reply to lealonnie1

Wow. This is a pretty horrible situation. Does anyone really care what she wants? After all this horrible treatment forever, I mean, really? She's making you guys keep her at your house?

Will she be safe if she goes home? Or does she need a nursing home?

Talk to a lawyer for advice on how to proceed?

What a mess! But this is really up to your mom, right? With your help and support but is she the one mainly dealing with her lovely mother?

If grandma won't go to the doctor, can you get a home visit? Or telemed visit? Something needs to be done ASAP! You guys have gone above and beyond by picking her up and letting her stay there. Even though she is and has been hateful. You've done enough. Time for a new phase of her life.

If she'll go to the doctor and take meds, MAYBE it could kind of work out but it's likely she will not cooperate and it will still be a disaster.

So very sorry you are all dealing with such a negative and difficult situation.
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Reply to againx100

She played you all
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Reply to shad250
lealonnie1 Sep 4, 2020
What a useless comment
You need to get her evaluated by a neurologist. She needs medication and maybe some time in a Psych ward to help get the right meds for her. Then u need to get her into long term care with Medicaid paying.

The best way to do it is if she lands in the hospital hopefully she is there for 3 days or more. Allow her to go to rehab and then have her evaluated for 24/7 care in a NH. Tell rehab she can't come home no one to care for her. At this point she is not competent to give you POA. Make it clear you have no authority. Let the State get guardianship. Things will go more smoothly that way then Mom trying to get her Medicaid and in a home.

I would say Mom already had a personality disorder or mental problem and Dementia has just made it worse.
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Reply to JoAnn29
shad250 Sep 4, 2020
She's indicated time and time again how she feels about them, so OP has her answer; distance themselves and let her be.
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