Angry & stubborn mom in AL, 2nd year. She is refusing meds, is rude to staff, and has banned me. Any advice?

I feel your pain, and also your mother's. It is so difficult and can seem thankless. I am going through a similar situation, but my mother has some good days when she is more loving and accepting of help. On her bad days she is angry, refuses medications and even bites nurses or hospital staff who are trying to take a test and help her. She was on alzheimers medication but at age 95, in consultation with her doctor we decided to stop it. Why prolong the suffering? I have changed the medical directives to specify "no hospitalization." She was angry, upset and uncooperative at the hospital - why put her and hospital staff through that? After her last hospital visit we also decided to change her status to "hospice," which is an approach just to keep her comfortable, but not to try to "fix" things. I don't know if this is appropriate for your mother. When my mother would tell me to "get out" I leave for 5-10 minutes and often I could then go back and it was OK. I never wake her when she is sleeping. If she refuses something, we wait and sometimes it is OK to do it later. Try to keep your mother as comfortable and happy as you reasonably can, even if she is not making good decisions on her own. She's not going to get better. Do not change the POA, unless you just can't take it any more. I've seen and heard of lawyers running through people's assets and giving no better care than a family member - in fact worse care.

I am not understanding how you can be banned if you are her POA. Certainly her mental state merits them allowing you there. I would suggest her meds be ground up and mixed in applesauce. Best of Luck.

Wow! Great advice here from many. I agree you should let POA go to an attorney as your mom actually requested. No you do not need to be her POA.
Have you ever been to a counselor to see how to cope with her behavior and learn why you allow yourself to be treated like this? Because obviously you may have read the books on boundaries but you are having trouble thinking you are worth implementing them. A good therapist can help you. You’re mom has probably told you all your life bad things about you which has contributed to your low self esteem. You sound like a caring daughter. But just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean she is a good mother. Sadly she sounds like she has psychological problems. They put my dad on Trazadone at night to help with belligerent behavior. You need a care conference at the facility. Involving the social worker, director and NP.

marilyn, my mom is so similar, and I’m an only. I totally hear you when you say ‘just think of what she’s going through, too.’ It’s not that you put her in front of yourself, just that you know she’s in pain. This is a great forum, and god books can be so helpful! But I’m a huge fan of adding a counselor for yourself when you’re under pressure like this. Do consider getting one, there’d be only a modest copay if you have insurance (EAP on back of your insurance card). If you don’t, find a support group. I’m moving my mother today into an independent living apartment and it’s going to be a nightmare. :) She’s got this massive persecution complex and she’s the one who picked out the place. Stay strong and enjoy your time ‘away.’ :)

My mom went through a horribly nasty phase in her dementia. She wanted to complain about my sisters and me to anyone who would listen so I suggested that I find her someone to talk to and she surprisingly agreed. It was an opportunity for someone else to listen to this when nobody wanted to. I set her up with a geriatric psychiatrist. Got her the evaluation that she needed and help with some meds. Hope this helps.

I only have one little suggestion since the others have covered this very well. As for her "needs" list, I have found that using a grocery shopping service has helped me considerably. I just set up the account and add items to it when my mother asks for items like hearing aid batteries or toothpaste etc. I usually add a few fun things to the order like cookies or chocolate and it all gets delivered to her AL facility without me having to do too much. Hope this helps.

Marylin,
Since you say that you know mother is not mentally well, why do you need it confirmed at this point? She's 89 years old. Would she agree to take a medication that's intended to slow the progression of Alzheimers, if that is what she has? Even if she did, would it change her behavior? Does she take meds for depression? That might help her mood. Sometimes, people who have cognitive decline grew increasingly angry, rude, selfish and aggressive. They also suffer with delusions.

Who is her Healthcare POA? Unless, they are able to override her decisions, get the doctor to order meds to treat her symptoms and the staff can get her to take them, then, I'm not sure how she can be helped to change. IT's a shame, since it sounds like she is suffering from mental pain. However, if you don't have the ability to help, then, you just can't. I'd try to take a break for your own mental health. Plus, does she have an Advanced Healthcare directive? Perhaps, she has no intention of prolonging her life at 89, even if she does have a cardiac condition. Some people chose Palliative Care, which is comfort care only.

Do yourself and your Mom a favor and stop visiting! Have a lawyer take over her entire care and estate and give yourself a break from this constant negative fiasco. It is a shame that elders cannot just take a pill to die when they no longer want to live - it’s also a shame for their caretakers Bc they end up taking the brunt of the unhappiness. At least be grateful that your Mother has given you an “out” by telling you to stop being her caretaker - there are many caretakers on this forum who would wish for the same. It’s not a bad thing to give up when the negativity is so horrendous - for you and your family - just LET IT GO.

Screw your mom, what about you?!? Her clap trap needs to be shuttered at this point as it's very clear she can't make up her mind. Either she wants you there or she doesn't; she can't have it both ways. The next time she tries to leave a nasty message on your machine you erase it without listening. Then you let her know under no uncertain terms that either she shapes up or your moving out and she won't get to see you again for at least 10 days. If she starts up, walk out and hold your ground.

I can recommend two really good books to you also: "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward, and "Divorcing a Parent," by Beverly Engel. It's been many years since I read these books, but they were absolutely life-changing and life-SAVING. Like you, I had an abusive mother. She played guilt games on me like they were her bread and butter.
Basically what has happened to us is something called "learned helplessness." We don't know how to escape the guilt cycle. We don't think we CAN escape. We don't think we deserve to. But we CAN. We don't have to let these parasites suck the joy out of our lives. If you read the Bible it says, "love your neighbor AS you love yourself." That means it is not only okay to love yourself, it is really necessary. You have to take care of you BEFORE you can take care of anybody else.
It's okay. Really! I wish you well.

Marylin, the AL is not a good source to determine if mom is ready to be moved. They are making money and they never want anyone to leave unless they are really disruptive or they can't pay.

If they are not a continuing care facility that will accept Medicaid then before she runs out of money a change should be implemented, this way she can stay put when she is broke.

You say dads pension is paying for her care, does that mean she has the proceeds from the sale of her house? This gives her more options if she does have a nest egg.

I read your response about correcting her and how you haven't set boundaries because she is your mom.

You will probably not like what I have to say but I am going to say it anyway. Boundaries are not about making anyone wrong, they are about YOU deciding how you wish to be treated or what you are willing to tolerate and walking away when someone treats you abusively or behaves in a manner that you are not willing to accept.

Boundaries are not a bad thing, we have them everywhere in our lives.

A speed limit is a boundary and we know that if we push past that boundary we are facing a ticket, that includes court, driving school and/or fines. Do people still do it? Yep, but when they get caught they pay the price for disregarding the boundary. It is no different with people, you set these boundaries in your head and heart and you can tell people beforehand or as they bump up against your boundaries.

Example for me, my dad and mom both want to talk crap about each other to me, I don't want to listen to it, so when it starts, I say, we are not going there, I know both of you and I don't want to hear it. When they won't stop, I will again say, we are not going there, if they are feeling special sporty and try again I say I am going to go now, talk to you later, love you bye. I do wait for them to say goodbye but if they try to get 1 last dig I hang up, boundary. Next time I talk to them it never comes up. They know that I will respond the same way every time, doesn't mean they don't want to test it occasionally.

Just because she has the title of mom, it doesn't give her free rein to be abusive. I'm a firm believer that love is what we do, not what we say. Some people beat the crap out of their "loved" one and are always saying sorry and how much they love them, until next time. This is what your mom is doing to you. That's not love, honor her wishes and get an attorney to take over. She will only stop because you aren't there to abuse.

I have a narsasist mom and dad, I understand the depths they go to, to control and manipulate and it is pretty disgusting. I choose not to be their whipping girl until they die, doesn't mean I don't love them and wish things were different, I just know if I didn't take care of me, no one would, especially not my parents. I help them but on my terms and within my boundaries, I would expect them to have boundaries if I was asking them for help.

Truly healthy relationships have boundaries, without them it is complete dysfunction.

I pray you can find a way to take care of you and turn her over to an attorney.

Got a mom like you.......oh my goodness it was such a stressful time when I started this process. I'm not joking about the mom part, that was even before health issues.
Just know , keep your visit time to your own comfort time, what you can deal with, not mom. When it gets stressful, you bow out. Guilt rides us, when we are children of an abusive parent , but remember your in charge now. On the phone issue, that a tough one.. I was onc told when my mom called , that I needed to stop driving get out of the car and then talk. On her temperament with the staff, same mom, I just kept telling her ,,, you know you treat the staff bad they will drop you in the shower and it will be all over....sounds harsh, but remember your in charge. They hate that ... that's why they are so mad. Ask if she can be tested for also being bipolar, mom had this along with the dementia.sure wish they had found that out when she was raising me versus now, but Once they got her Medes straightened she has a smile on her face, she may not hug me or say she loves me, but she never did.
Just a FYI , through my own experience the nicest of homes don't always have the best care. I went from high class to Medicaid eligible and she's clean, moving, involved and as happy as can be expected.
Fyi , I use to feel so bad for not bringing her home to take care of, but I had to protect my soul from more emotional abuse , I hate saying that but as soon as I realize and accepted that's what it was and why I couldn't bring her home , the more I began the healing process,
Take care , try not to stress too much .

Need to vent send me a email stephaniegoldstein1962@gmail.com

I agree, Mom needs a complete evaluation. Has the AL checked her for a UTI?

I agree with Isthisrealyreal. You are allowing this behaviour. You need to tell her when she respects you, you will be back. Ask her if she wants to die alone. Because that will happen if she doesn't change her ways.

I guess ur siblings don't have anything to do with her? They maybe the smart ones. You are a good daughter but don't need this. It will effect your health.

I am so sorry that you feel like you need to allow her abusive treatment of you.

She has always been this way, throughout her life, so I am sure you have been conditioned to ask how high when she says jump. This is what narsisistic people do to their children and spouses, if allowed.

Go to www.nefl.com and find a NELA CERTIFIED ELDER LAW ATTORNEY, they will be versed in all aspects of taking over POA and filing for Medicaid when the time comes. If you give DGPOA and HCPOA they will also request she be admitted to psychiatric ward to get her inappropriate behavior under control, however, you seem to be her hot button. She is friendly and loving with others, I was put in this situation with my dad. I told him that he wasn't going to be treating me like crap and if he went certain places with me I would walk away and never look back. This calmed him down enough that I didn't hate him when he left.

Parents seem to think they can do anything to their children and unfortunately children reinforce this behavior by not saying enough is enough. I just wanted to be given the same courtesy that they would give a stranger and if that's not possible, I choose NOT to be their scratching post.

Set boundaries and enforce them, ask your husband to not entertain her bs and seek out a good licensed fudiciary, our CELA attorney is also a licensed fudiciary. Then pass the torch as per her request.

You can't worry about what visitors think they know, you will wear yourself out worrying that they believe her lies. Tell any and all that they are welcome to take over, lock stock and barrel if they truly believe that you are not acting in your mother's best interest. Clarify that once you pass it, your done and will not accept it being passed back.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and enforcement of boundaries are the only way you can survive this nonsense. She can't possibly treat you any worse and you don't have to answer your phone. She is safe and well cared for, that is your obligation and it is fulfilled. Stop being her doormat!

I think I would talk to the NP about getting her admitted to a geriatric psych facility.

Have you ever talked to an attorney about getting guardianship? Would you want to pursue that, or would rather she become, say, a ward of the State? Sometimes when elders are mentally ill and uncooperative, they will listen to others before they will listen to loved ones.

This must be heartbreaking for you, but there are many folks on this board who are in the same boat. ((((Hugs)))).

My first take away, is that your mother is choosing not to be happy and will continue to be a nasty person to you.

Has your mother had a full pysch work up? You say she sees the cardiologist for CHF, but has she had a check up with a geriatric psychologist or psychiatrist? Her behaviour is not 'normal'

What boundaries do you have in place? It sounds like your mother is riding roughshod all over you. Do you leave as soon as she gets abusive? Do you tell her that if she hits you , you will not visit? When she threatens suicide is 911 called? Does your husband hang up on her when she called him to complain?

What would happen if you blocked her calls for a week and did not visit? How would you feel?

Being POA does not mean you have to be at her beck and call, and it never means you have to put up with abusive behaviours.

Your last line is telling, you are putting your mother's feelings ahead of your own.