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My mother is mad that I put her picture on social media. She apparently doesn't remember that she's been on there before. Even though I would have shared all the positive & complimentary comments with her as I did before, she's very upset! I told her I'd take them down & I'm sorry. She yelled continuously & started in on loads of accusations towards me, how she needs to move out of ALF, have her own apartment, dignity, and freedom again.


She's not physically or mentally capable of being on her own.


I think there's more to this than a social media post.

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You have done what you can about the Social Media issue. As for getting her own apartment. I would just simply say, that is not an option and leave it at that. If she wants to argue, just remind her that this is for her safety, health and in her best interest.
I am sure she is frustrated with the lack of privacy and rightfully so, but it is the reality of the situation and is not going to change.
Just remind her that her health and safety are your top priority and her being in the ALF is the only option. I’m sorry. Hopefully this was just a reaction to a bad day and will not be a constant.
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Marylin Nov 12, 2019
TY. Unfortunately, it's not just a bad day. She's sick of me as her POA because she feels all her rights have been taken away. She worries about her money running out & going to a nursing home (even tho she's not been told it will be gone in 2 years). She thinks she can rent and avoid going to a nursing home.
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This is part of the Dementia. She can no longer reason, comprehend or process normally. No matter how much u explain you have done this before, her short term does not allow her to remember. Like said, just apologize and say u won't do it again. Also, tell her to talk to the NP about getting a place on her own. Put the ball in the NPs hands.

Those who suffer from Dementia usually want to go home. Could be the home they grew up in. I would assume the AL does her meds. As such an anxiety med can be added without her knowing if ur POA. Seems she can no longer make decisions for herself.

Try to let things go. I know it hard but she can get worse before she is better. Just don't argue. You can always walk away. Does she need the phone? Take ur ph # out of it if a cell. If its just to harass u, lose it. The AL will call u when there is an emergency. Otherwise, ask that they don't let her call you. Visit when u feel like it. If u do take her phone, make sure the AL is aware so they don't hunt for it. If ur in charge of her money and its a landline, have it disconnected.
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Ahmijoy, I believe has a wonderful answer to lots of this stuff.
Something like "I am so terribly sorry, Mom, but we can't possibly do that".
Period.
Simply tell Mom that you understand, you are sorry, it won't happen again, but that she doesn't any longer have an option to move home because she can no longer care for herself.
If she continues on her rant, remove yourself calmly and gently and tell her you will return when she feels a little better. Do this often enough and you train her in what behavior she will be allowed in order to keep your company with her.
And yes, there is more than the media post. She likely has some dementia, and her reactions aren't fully in her own control, and certainly not in yours. Just remove yourself until this, like any weather front, blows over.
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Marylin Nov 6, 2019
TY! I'm used to removing myself as I have stay away many weeks in 2019. She even said in this ugly call that "I guess our relationship is over now!" I replied with yes, goodbye.
She's been on this topic all year, so worried about our relationship and our family falling apart.
At this time, I know she'll call some day when her snacks, Avon, Kleenex, etc dwindle. IF she wants them badly enough, she will have to leave list on message and I'll deliver to administration. Otherwise, I will not be "demanded to call her back" so I can be brow beat. She also has another child who can take care of her list. I did not ask to be her POA or to receive her resentment and abuse.
So, I'll remove myself from her presence for the holidays ahead & take care of my mental health. Sounds selfish but it's time.
Thanks again. It means so much.
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Well hey, if your mother is narcissistic, then she probably feels like she didn't look Good Enough in the photo you chose to post on social media.......not that you chose to post on social media. It's your fault, then for choosing a bad photo of her, DUH.

It's all about The Show, right? And all this stuff only WORSENS with dementia, so once ONE thing pissed her off, why not STAY on a roll and tick off another 5 things she's unhappy about! Nothing is ever right in these women's world, so I would be surprised to hear this is the first such outburst from her. If it is, then you're definitely NOT dealing with NPD, that's for sure. If it's just more of the same, let it all go in one ear and out the other.

If she's just now going down the dementia highway, it's likely going to be a bumpy road because you just never know what to expect, behaviorally. Tell her as little as possible that might elicit a reaction, and keep the conversation to neutral topics. The conversation tends to diminish over time into shorter and shorter phone calls and visits, since she won't be able to keep her train of thought or use long sentences. My mother used to chew my ear off on our nightly talks, leaving me exhausted and irritable with her chronic complaints. Nowadays, with moderate dementia, the phone calls last 5 minutes and she forgets what she was saying mid sentence. She does remember to complain though, that's something she'll never forget how to do!

If she brings up wanting to get out of Assisted Living again, blame the nurse practitioner by saying she needs a cognizance test in order to be released, per the NP. If she takes one, the dementia will be diagnosed and then she CAN'T be released.

Best of luck as you navigate your way around the land mines of old age, dementia, and difficult personalities.
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Marylin Nov 5, 2019
Love your ideas & thoughts. Seems I need to follow your posts as we have lots in common.
My mom has times when she's spot-on, remembers & answers fluently to those at AL. They are very close-mouthed when I question them about her, saying she's so sweet but will eventually say she has her moments! Often, I feel they think I'm the crazy one and should visit more (but that's just guilt creeping in).
So, I'm afraid she'd pass the cognizance test! Just wish she'd agree to be tested but she'd start that issue of you think I'm crazy!! Yesterday she even said someone told her I'd said her mind is bad. I pressed her on who the liar is and she had no answer, just went on rattling
about how I stuck her over there with all those people. It's a bad situation and my biggest concern is her money runs out in 2 years. What in the world will we do them?!
Thanks so much! God guide us through these difficult times.
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If she has dementia she is at risk for not being able to filter. If she lived as a loving caring parent in her previous life, consider this “new” person a stranger and regard her behavior as such. If the mail person snarled at you, you’d ignore it.
Feel free to do the same with your mother.
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Marylin Nov 4, 2019
Thanks, AnnReid.
She's not been diagnosed as she refuses. Nurse practitioner says she probably has dementia (@89) along with a strong narcissistic personality disorder.
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I think you're right.

Your mother has lived in an ALF for two and a half years, quite happily.
You have previously posted images of her online, received compliments, and shared the feedback with her, and she enjoyed that.

So what's upset her now? Could you go back a bit and describe what happened when she embarked on this rant?

It could be anything, from bullying that she hadn't made you aware of, to new staff members that she hasn't taken to, to a galloping uti that has made her lose the plot temporarily. Maybe there are some clues in what's been going on besides the upset over social media?
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Marylin Nov 4, 2019
Thanks, Countrymouse. She has never been a happy person. Read my explanation above to see how this episode exploded.
I've backed away but still get persecuted. I guess I'll not call her back from this day forward. Usually, she'll leave information on message & I can defuse or get what she needs without calling her back. This time it was just call her back.
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Sounds like she's not quite herself anymore. If she starts unloading on you like this again, for whatever reason, you should leave to protect yourself from this abuse!

Hopefully, she'll quickly forget about this and move onto something else.

You can say you'll look into having her moving back home, just to appease her. BUT, no, in reality, you already know that's not happening. Don't need to argue with her about that. Could claim you'll talk to her doctor. Or make the doc the bad guy "Your doctor says that you are not strong enough to live alone at this time" type of thing.

Please try not to take what she said too personally. Easier said than done, but sound like she just went off the deep end there and unloaded on you for no good reason. Yikes!

So sorry you are dealing with this!
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Marylin Nov 4, 2019
This has been ongoing for over a decade. I stay away as much as I can because I've set boundaries & it just upsets her so much. She called & left message, so I returned it to find out someone (probably her out of state sister) told her that I'd put her picture from an Trick or Treat event at AL on Facebook. She's mad, saying I know she's a private person! I reminded her she'd been on there before & I'd shown her all the wonderful comments but she says I don't remember that & you're taking my privacy away from me! Even said she'd end up on a billboard since people steal stuff like this!?
She's concerned her money that I shouldn't spend on AL is going to be gone & they'll boot her out. Says she wants to move to these cheap apartments & rent. Her doctor is a nurse practitioner who comes to the AL when needed. She hates her because she recommended an anxiety pill to help her adjust to AL. She's not cooperating with her nurse practitioner so gets little help from her.
I in all honesty cannot move her to a rundown apartment, buy furniture, etc and set her up for living alone at 89. She thinks she can remember her meds but she cannot. I fear she'll fall & bleed to death (since she takes Eliquis for CHF). Bottomline: she wants her autonomy but cannot take care of herself. She goes so far to stay in her room & ask for very little assistance at AL because she wants the perception to be that she is fine & doesn't need to be there. I'm up against the wall no matter what I do or don't do.
I know money will run out, but I cannot allow her to move out alone. She hates me for everything.
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