Angry at having to care for my mother, even in nursing home... is this normal?

Joan is right. Remember the last line.

mom is happy in the nursing home..no complaints, sleeps well, maintaining weight
has made friends, does not ask to go home or go with us when we visit.Much
different from the grouchy, critical, sarcastic, cold dementia patient she was when
cared for at home...I think she wanted to be out of the situation where so many were falling all over themselves trying to help and comfort her...she did not and
still does not know who we are . My problem is my sister who cannot be pleased
by anything nh does.." no sweater on mom", "clothes don't match", hair looks terrible she says, bedroom shoes in the afternoon ( mom in wheelchair ) who
cares about what shoes...mom wet, shirt missing, staff not receptive to requests
for this and that to be done or not done...we have all talked to her over and over
but no way to please her...also brother who "just can't stand seeing her there",
one sister who feels mom does not know who she is so why go. My philosophy
is she may not remember US but we remember HER. Feeling overwhelmed and
surprised by some of the attitudes of family and grandchildren (who were taken
to the beach, mountains, games, vacations,etc.) but now have no time for her.

Thank you Emjo & Their daughter. My spouse went with me to the Psych. He is unhappy right now but supporting me. I do have just a few meds I take. My issues have gotten worse with her being her as I lost a job I like which compounded my economic woes. That in turn spilled over to the anger in having to constantsly drive her to therapy( her car, since I have mentioned my van needs repairs and will get done first part of Oct) I had been driving her car for transport as she has held THAT over my head. She cannot drive anyway. I have never had this much contact in 20 years so my BPD was still there, but we were not butting up against each other daily so we " managed". I do read my Dialectical Behavior books and really try to work on MY BEHAVIOR. She lives in her own world. She us dying and does not see it, denies it. I have tried to get Hospice help so she has more people in her life, but she wants "no strangers". Mum puts up roadblock after roadblock. Hard for me. She thinks she is just a " simple person, with simple tastes". She IS smart, problem is she is narcissistic. All she wanted to talk about with my best friend yesterday day was make up...Omg mother is so looks focused, it drove ne away. I were no make
Up and feign ignorant about it and hair. I like what I like and sick of her putting it down so I play dumb.

It is really sad...I went to bed in tears yesterday. I tried to be nice having her here. It backfired on me.

People, notice that Lizann specified "If you have a loving relationship" and you are close by. Yes, it is a duty but not if you are hurting yourself or your parent(s) hurt you. In fact some people did live long lives but that is not the issue. In olden times people also aged faster. In any case, in those times families were extended with everyone helping everyone else. Do you owe a duty to parents who did poorly by you? No. Does duty mean that you have to ruin your own health? No. But if you are dealing with someone with dementia you can't expect rational behavior, either.

As for bathing - the reasons many elderly stop is because they are afraid of falling, of water, of any numerable things that didn't bother them before. Also, like small children, may not realize they need to bathe. I tell my mother, for example, that she is having a spa day. That works well. I also have a chair in the shower and special bars for her to hold onto.

When dealing with a sick person, especially one with dementia but any ill person really, remember that it is not about you. It is about that person. My nephew (15) has dreads. My mother thinks he's wearing an ugly hat. When she does realize it's his hair she tells him its ugly. Except when he's dressed up. Then his hair looks ok. We all laugh at this. She has moderate to severe Alzheimers and even if she doesn't like what someone's wearing, or their hair or whatever, she isn't mean about it, just states her like or dislike. She has the same filter as a four year old. Which is to say, no filter at all. She isn't being mean. She's simply making her thought known.

As for repetition, remember that a person with even mild dementia will forget things. sometimes this includes things that were said only moments ago.

Finally, if a person is mean, has always been mean or abusive or manipulative then, of course, you don't have to put yourself in their reach. But if the person was loving and giving to the best of her/his ability (no one is a perfect parent, ever), then, yes, find a way to dismiss the negatives or recover from them. Support groups help. You are a caregiver even if your parent is in a facility if you are in any way involved in the parent's life. You deserve a break. If it gets to be too much then you need to find a way to step back. A healthy way.

Good luck.

Repetition is interesting. My mom has told the same stories 100s of times, or more. When I repeat myself twice, because I think she isn't understanding something or because I'm trying to discuss finding a solution to an issue she cuts me off and tells me not to repeat myself... I know we are blessed to have her, but it can get upsetting. I am also trying to figure out why I'm angry, exhausted and noticing my life falling apart, while caring for mom as my top priority. Just sharing the observation that repetition seems to go one way in my family.... oops, I just repeated myself. Sorry about that!

LOL...you're funny Sooozi. I know about the repetition going one way as well. Mom has recently stopped repeating. She is in the last stage now. Her words do not make any sense at all. She can't state a complete sentence..it's more like jumble, mumble. I think in her mind, she is making sense but to others, she makes no sense whatsoever. I'm glad the repeating has stopped finally. She began repeating in her early 40's. I remember how mad and hateful she would get when I'd say, "Mom, you've told me this story several times...back when she was in her FORTIES. She would just say, "NO, I have not!!!" and tell the same old story again for the 200th time..and it always took at least an hour for her to tell it. Even then, she would "forget" what she was talking about...losing her train of thought numerous times during that hour. It was SO hard to be around her. Life always revolved around her and NOBODY else. Her behaviors back then alienated her brothers, sisters, kids, grandkids..everyone. Nobody went to visit her. I didn't want to either but her brother would call me and tell me what mom was doing now and that I need to get over there and help her. SO HARD when she has always been so negative and abusive to me as a kid, teen and adult. Thankful the repeating has finally stopped..now it's trying to "act" like I understand what her mumble, jumble means. I dont' think she has much longer.

This site has helped me. I, too, feel the same. My mother is liing with me. I am with her 24/7 almost everyday. I am responsible for all her needs. There is no such thing as gratitude, compliments or kind words. However, I do what I have to. I don't want to have these feelingvs and often feel guilty because I do. I hear you and empathize with you. Every morning I just pray, "Lord help me to make it through another day".

You are feeling just like all of us...it is normal! I was "forced" to bring my Mom back to my state after my sister had had too much! At first, I was resentful but with boundaries all is better. I call my Mom almost daily but don't feel I have to be there everyday. I visit about 2 times a week depending on what is needed. She is living in an independent retirement home. She gets two meals a day in dining room and eats her breakfast in apartment. My Mom does need me to take her to doctor's appointments and pick things up for her breakfast. I am working part-time so I usually have something that is mine! You must have activities that you enjoy without your parent. We also bring my Mom over once a week for dinner. We choose according to our activities. It does get better but you have to have time for you or you will burnout! I am trying to let Mom do as much as she can at 91+ because more care may be needed down the road. Good Luck!

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Okay, I've been feeing really overwhelmed and angry with my dad lately, too. Both of my parents are nice people, but my dad has been manipulating me for years. It's nothing compared to some of the things I've been reading, but it's still upsetting and frustrating.

My husband and I just spent most of our weekend hanging out in the ER. My mom has dementia and my dad has been suffering from shingles since July. They were living in a retirement community until my dad had a bad fall and ended up in the hospital so we were lucky that they already had a room in a very nice AL facility.

I thought getting them into AL was going to be wonderful. I was happy that they were getting help and that I wouldn't have to worry about them constantly. But, I wasn't prepared for the adjustment and I also wasn't prepared for my dad to actually get worse.

They've been there almost a month now and, frankly, I'm exhausted. It's probably partly my own fault because I've made myself too available. But my husband and I are also in the process of trying to get their condo sold, taking over their bills, etc. It's hard enough to keep up with our own lives and now it feels like we're doing double duty and, yes, I resent it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I want them to be happy and I don't mind helping them, but right now they are wearing me out. I'm running interference on doctors and medication, and I'm discovering that our healthcare system is a mess! And, now I fear for what will happen to my husband and me because we don't have children and even if we did, I would not want to put them through this!

janet she is not eligible for chemotherapy she is radiation patient only it's palliative. cancer is very severe she looks better than she has in 10 weeks, but I know for a fact it may not last. blessedly her sister is out your visiting from North Carolina what is giving me a 3 day break .

I'm glad you have a husband to help. I've never had anyone. I feel your frustration but glad you have hubby. Imagine having to do it all alone with no help from anyone.

Guilt is a caregiver's worst enemy. Most of us have nothing to feel guilty about. Of course we are all going to have varying times of resentment but unless it is leading to bad judgements there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Get to a support group and vent at the very least. Letting off steam is incredibly helpful. Believe me!

I was reading this post and answers, and I'm searching my soul for something helpful to say. I, too, make myself "too available." However, through work in therapy, I have made progress in setting boundaries for myself. First, I only do things that my mom really cannot do for herself. Otherwise, I wait and give her a chance to work it out. Second, I help her do errands and chores two afternoons a week. I told her this allows me to structure my own time better and she can count on me to do whatever she wants done (but on my schedule, not hers). Personally, I think parents are just used to giving the orders, and the less able they become, the harder they try to control their lives by manipulating others. I've come to believe that it's some kind of survival mechanism. I, on the other hand, never make my son feel guilty or responsible for my happiness. I did not adopt a child to become my caretaker down the road. I just hope that he will love me as I move gracefully into old age! My one suggestion would be to look into hiring an elder care manager to advise/help you. I used one, and she was tremendously helpful and caring. She gave me the courage to take care of myself as well as help Mom navigate her life.

Alexandra, yes - being angry at having to care for your mom is normal. My 93 y.o. mom is in a nursing home too & I go threetimes/wk for about an hour but even that's exhausting - from dealing with admin to listening to mom repeat the same story 5 times - sometimes it gets too much to handle. mom has mild dementia but is coherent & is aware. I attend caregiver coffee breaks sponsored by Hospice tohelp me.

Alex, Could hospice help get your mom to her radiation treatments? My experience with them was very good - they were very professional and helpful. Take care of yourself - there is not much you can do to change your mother's circumstances and I think ultimately our happiness is up to us - doesn't work to think in terms of demanding this and that from anyone else.

Being a caregiver to an elderly parent does not end with their entry to a NH or ALF. They will continue to need your help. It will allow the child of an elderly parent to have much more freedom than those who are primary caregivers keeping the parent in their home or the child's home. At an ALF or NH you have skilled nursing staff (plural) taking care of your elderly parent.

Elizabeth

What was my original advice? I think I might have sounded a bit smug, feeling like I was handling things so well! I apologize. Well, the entire thing is probably a learning process on how to do the best you can for your parents and keep your sanity.

The latest for me was after spending a lot of time in the ER with my dad because of his not eating or drinking enough and some drug interactions I thought we finally had things under control. Then he started calling me yesterday afternoon. I had already spent the morning with him at the doctor's office and found out that he still wasn't getting enough fluids or food! So, I took him to breakfast and got hold of the dietician to work with him.

One message was he wanted his checkbook so he could pay some bills (I've been helping him with that) and the last message was he wanted me to call because he was having a problem. I decided to call the AL facility and ask them to check on him because he needs to learn to ask them for help and, frankly, I need a break.

So, this afternoon he pulls into my driveway with a friend and wants to talk to me! Of course, he wanted his checkbook, but he also wanted his car a couple of days a week so he could run errands. I looked at him and said "no." I was irritated and at one point told him I didn't mean to be disrespectful, but it wasn't safe for him to drive and it would be unfair to other people.

What amazes me is how manipulative and creative he is! I really am worn out, but I realize that this is nothing new in a lot of ways. What I see in both my parents is that they are having cognitive problems, but the way they are behaving as individuals now seems to be based to a large extent on how they always were. My mom is stubborn, but mostly happy and is actually doing better now that she's in AL. My dad is manipulative and nothing seems to satisfy him. It's all about him.

Alex, I have a mom who is 90 who has demintisha, I have been taking care of her since 2007 I am the youngest of 3, my sister and brother live 3 hours away, since I am the closest I am the one who has been taking care of her since my stepdad pasted away in Oct of 2006, I moved her in with me a year ago, my mother has never been in my life, and has never been one to show any affection, in fact I was told that I was an unwanted child, I to am getting really angry and resentful. I do not like the person that I seem to be turning into, which a very unhappy miserable person, I had called my sister and brother to let them know that I can no longer do this, and that I was looking into somewhere to put her, which I had found a wonderful retirement/assistant living, my mother also has a dog, and she could take her dog with her, cause I know with out her dog, she would go down hill just that much faster, I got a call from my brother boo hooing not wanting me to put her in a home, I told him It wasnt a home, sent him the link to the website so he could check it out, then my sister called crying and boo hooing wanting the same thing, (The thing about my siblings is my mother has 86,000.00 dollars in her savings which is a POD account) so you can imagine that this is all that they are thinking of is the money, I get paid weekly from her checking account 300.00 a week, 200.00 is for housing, food, and 100.00 is for care taking service. When my sister called me, she begged for me to keep my mother, and to give my self a raise, which would only be an additional 100.00.. But I am asking my self why am I doing this,, I have done and done for her, and all my other family member's, My children are grown and gone, I feel like it is my turn to have a life, and enjoy it, I hope that I have made some sense threw all this, I have so much bottled up, that I find myself rambling, I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone.... many prayers go out to you...

Sparklingblue----You ARE doing the right thing by placing your mother. You've went above and beyond what you should have given the way she has treated YOU....Do not listen to your siblings. They do not KNOW what caregiving to someone who didn't even want you as a child is like! Get YOUR life back now before it is too late!!!! I'll be praying for you. Oh...and if your siblings call boo hooing again...tell them that THEY can come and get her to live with THEM.

Rovana, I have been very sick this week. My mother has had to have other transport. The Hospice word is not even allowed to be mentioned...I tried with epic failure.

Alex

Their Daughter and Sparkling Blue... Just want you to know that I appreciate your posts. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. As for manipulative parents, here's one... My mom insisted she feels well enough to drive to the dentist for her routine cleaning. It is very close to her home and she toodled over there. The dentist is new (her 80 yr old prior dentist passed away, sadly). The new dentist got to talking with my mom, her new patient. They made a date for next week for the new dentist to take my mom to an assisted care facility that is over an hour away from where mom lives and that would be 2 hours away from any other relative!!! I was stunned. First the dentist is WAY out of line, but I'm sure my mom had something to do with it. Mom insists she wants to live independently in her own home, but she probably told the dentist that she is "alone". Probably no mention of me there every day, or the additional help we have hired for her companionship, not to mention driving most of the time. So, my reaction, when mom told me this was to say I'd arrange for her to interview more companionship, would take her to local elder care facilities (did I mention that her eye doc wants her to get an IPad, even though she won't check email?) My brother, who lives in another country constantly reminds me that mom is the master manipulator. She set up the appointment with the dentist!! (unbelievably) and the reaction she got from me was to ramp up my attention and ask her what other multitude of things I could do for her and arrange for her... I love mom, am happy to be able to help and to be there for her, but every once in a while everyone around me points out to me how I've been snickered into giving up a life for a woman who is generally happy and dynamic, but periodically and naturally scared to be alone, which by the way she aways says that she prefers.... It's my blessing and my challenge. This is just a very long winded way of saying I felt more normal when you referenced manipulation... perhaps now is the time for mom and me to take a closer look at assisted living, before the slippery slope gets slipperier....