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My mother, age 86 and of sound mind and "ok" health, has been living with me and my roommate since last October. She has her own room and in-home assist every day. But its the evenings after my work, weekends, and ongoing "anger" over my having lost my "freedom" that is making me act so different towards my mother and I am concerned this will eventually lessen my love for her. We have always been very close. I have spoiled her all of my life, however, I left "home" at age 19 and began my career at a city about a 4 hour drive from my mom. (My father is deceased.) So I would visit my mom every month, take her on wonderful yearly vacations, etc etc. This new life is very difficult. I am more fortunate than most and I know this. I still have a demanding full-time career which I have refused to even consider giving up to take care of my mother. My career is my "life-line" out of the home and affords a little bit of balance. My resentment stems from not having a vacation for soon 4 years and not having the freedom to go out to dinner at night without making arrangements for her care. I never had children so call me selfish but I have always been a "career" woman and never wanted kids. Now I have a dependent child. I have no family support. They all live out of state and even when I take my mother to visit her "home" in Pennsylvania every month to see her "family," they are useless. I can't depend on any of them. They are inept and so I have given up on any useless family support. I hate taking my mother to Pennsylvania. I get so angry and depressed on the drive that I have ignored her completely when driving in terms of talking to her. I always ensure she gets the very best care so that is not an issue. I do my "other job" I feel commendably. The issue is I am not the same "daughter" I was as I am resenting this situation more and more. I will have her live with us as long as I can safely care for her and provide her with a quality of life. But like so many others, I have given up a portion of my life and frankly I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that at age 61 soon 62 this would be my life. I fought for my mother tirelessly up to and through her open heart surgery. I took 3 months off from work to live, eat and breathe staying at the hospital and skilled nursing facility and then continued being with her every step of the way when I had her relocated to Maryland. I drove 33 miles one way after work to Baltimore to be with her and on weekends at a chronic care facility in Baltimore. She adores her son who I so very much resent. I can no longer even begin to let her know my feelings because she gets made so I have resigned myself to having a "superficial" relationship with her. I take her to all of her medical appointments; I ensure she has in-home care; I take care of all of her bills/paperwork. As I told my roommate recently, I don't want to look at my life as "well when my mother is gone, then I can travel and have a quality of life." That is not a healthy feeling. I want to be able to travel now and know that my mom will be ok at home with in-home care. My mom has a trache. I take good care of cleaning it. My mom said she doesn't want anyone working on her neck but me. I said but mom, what is the picture in your mind about me ever taking a vacation?. Bottom line is she is selfish. Has always been. She truly feels I should put my life on hold while she is alive. This makes me feel angry and so when I can't stand it anymore, I go up to my room or just have some alone time. Most times I provide her with excellent care and sometimes I try to take her shopping once a weekend and out to dinner, but those trips to Pennsylvania bum the heck out of me. I promised my mom I would take her,weather permitting, to her home in Pa once a month. I am the only one to give her any quality of life. I am going to try to find a counselor to simply listen to me. No one can fix any of this. If my mother were in a nursing home for me it would be worse. I would be there constantly and her care would not be up to par llike I provide. So this is a never ending story for now. How very sad though. I appreciate this support group and want eveyone to know it has helped me. Thank you.

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Is there Adult Day Care in your area? That way your mom is out of the house and with people her own age while you are @ work. It doesn't sound as if this situation is happy for your mother either. Do you belong to a church? Perhaps there are some church activities your mother &/or you could do together? Is there a park district senior program in your area? Perhaps they have some activities for your mom to participate in for an hour or two so she has something to look forward to and you can have a break. Reading discussion group (books on tape if her eye sight isn't good), knitting group. Sometimes the local library has programs for seniors too. Learn computer skills for example. Is there a local community college, college or university by you that has an interesting lecture series your mother might like to go to? Sometimes there are college theater or high school plays to attend. University/college music or ballet recitals to see.
I wish my mother would want to participate in any kind of outside activities but she is slowing down physically and is deaf in one ear.
I think you and your mom need some activity time, something fun together and separately so you have more things to discuss.
As far as your relatives.... take your mom to see them but maybe every month is too much for you. Can your relatives come and visit your mom every other month? Expect nothing from them and then you will not be surprised by their non-interest. My brother has told my mom that he wants nothing to do with her after they had a falling out. I was not involved in their falling out but now have no help taking care of my mom and her house. But that's on my brother. He has that to live with in his life.
It sounds as if you are doing a great job for your mom. You are a good daughter. Please love your mother for the time she is here. You will look back when she is gone and have good memories to remember her by. Your relatives are missing out, just as my brother is.
I hope some of my suggestions have helped you a little.
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You should not be resentful because God will take her away.Then you have to get use to not having around.And it hurts worse believe me I can relate to your feelings being resentful.I lost my mom 2009 she was 71 years old i miss her dearly.Although we were not close I"ve always took care of her.Now I dont have anyone to take care of.Keep God in your Life and take time to out to get to know her you never know When God will take her away.trust me it will get better.God bless you.
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Like so many others I share your feelings and know what you are going through. I also had a close relationship with my father that ended when my mother died a year ago and I ended up caring for him. He resented this dependency and vented his anger at me. In short he is not the same loving father I once had. Our relationship has changed and it has taken a lot for me to accept this. I have backed off and have a distant relationship with him as I have found that this keeps him from having angry fits with me and helps me to keep from getting too stressed out. The reality is that I still love my dad but have accepted that the person he is now is not someone I can be close to. In some ways I have had to grieve the loss of my former father as the person he is now is not the person I once knew. It has been hard and hardly anyone knows because I don't talk a lot about my feelings with people. I feel the most resentment when my sibs call and ask what is wrong with me because my dad complains about me to them. They lives thousands of miles away and hardly ever see him. I try to explain to them what I am going through, but they only tell me I should smarten up and treat dad better. It drives me crazy. But it helps to come to this place and share with everyone. Unless you are going through it no one can understand. I know that I see things differently now. I fight the feelings of resentment and bitterness everyday. I am lucky that I have a great husband who knows what I am going through and has been keeping my dad from being alone with me. we are committed to compassionate care of my dad, but make sure to make time for ourselves and our daughter. You can get so caught up with the multiple reasons for sadness and frustrations an elderly person has. But, to be an effective caregiver you need the distance to make clear and reasonable decisions for everyone involved. So give yourself a break, you are doing an amazing thing. Your sibs may never know this, but that is the way it is. You talked about your loss of freedom, that really rang true for me. Do what you can to get away and get a breath of freedom. Make time for it. Your life is valuable too.
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Like you've heard from others here: it will do you nothing but good to pare down your doing for Mom before you resent the hell out of her and she dies leaving you guilty for hating her. There really is no "perfect" way of helping ANYONE-- the only thing you can do is your best; and you're not doing that now if you are angered. I have pared down what I did for my mom and really: she's thriving. She treats me much more respectfully, and I think she believes she's getting away with something-- like a kid-- that I'm not hovering over her. I can't help that she needs others to help her-- if she didn't want that she should have planned for it. She expected me to take up the slack for all my sibs (my dad's deceased) because that's what they are used to-- but nope... I'm no good to anyone if I'm pissed, so I do what I can and then go home. A Christian counselor told me once: "God only wants you to be the best daughter to your parents for the time that you can stand it-- no more" so when I start to resent her, I politely say "See ya later" and I come back refreshed. I can't do it all-- who could? There are agencies for what we can't do, and-- for better or worse-- aging in this country is what it is... If you feel guilty about living a carefree life because you still want to that's expecting you to be what you are not-- a sure recipe for anger and depression. Do your best, be glad you have helped, and keep going. If you kick yourself you are no good to anyone, Dear. Good Luck!
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I think after reading many of these posts that it is universal that we all feel the following:
Abandonment
Isolation
Depression
Resentment, etc., and on and on,,,,
So where do we go from here?... I think acceptance is the key, accepting the new norm, and then I'm going to not expect anything from anyone, which will be a new norm also. Siblings do not want to be burdened for whatever reason, but like I said before there are heros out there from all walks of life and i do believe we will all be better and more compassionate after this is over, if it ever is.
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Thank God there are people in the same similar situations as me. I just found this website and it surely has helped me out tremendously. I dont feel alone anymore. I dont have no one to confide in physically but then where is the time for that. I love this website. I feel so much relief knowing I am not battling this alone. THANK YOU TO ALL... GOD BLESS EVERYONE.... HUGS TO ALL OF US..... because of OUR selfless acts WE ARE STORING OUR BLESSINGS IN HEAVEN................... Thats far more a better reward. In this life we are here today and gone tomorrow. My heart goes out to all of YOU..XOXOXOXO
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DianaS:

I found your response heartfelt. Having been a primary caregiver for both of my parents, I understand the exhaustion and sense of isolation. However, you are a wonderful person with a big heart, your family members are blessed to have you in their lives. I think you will have your time in the future --just try to improve or maintain your health in the meantime.
I do agree however, that the primary caregivers around our nation are never given the credit they deserve. Their work is priceless to our country.

Elizabeth
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Dear musiclover1,
I know exactly how yu feel. I took care of Mom and Dad going on two years and I used to say, "Man, I was just planning to move out and move to Colorado." At that time, I had resentment, anger, love, anxiety, guilt, frustration, etc....Then.....Dad got really bad and had to go into a care home. Long story short--they called us too late and Dad died all alone. Now......there are so many regrets I carry with Dad. I am the youngest and the baby of the family with the most love and compassion and closeness to them as you are. Soon after, like one month, Mom got the diagnosis that her cancer from two years before had spread and w/o chemo, she would have 6-9 months. She is too old, frail and weak to take the chemo...it would kill her sooner. So I took care of Mom till she got so bad that we had to put her into hospice. I wanted her to pass at home, but she needed emergency medical care that me and my caregivers could not provide. I want to tell you that you are doing a job that WILL be HONORABLE to you in the end. You will NOT regret what you are doing now. Though you cannot see it now....as I could not see it then...I know it is difficult to see this now.....but not having Mom and Dad in this big house [before when I wanted to get away from them] I cry and pray every morning because I miss them so much. Every day I wish they were still here healthy as before. Every day I wish that I appreciated them more, every day I look into the past and how I cared for them and how I could of done a better job. Everyday....everyday. This will be a great learning experience for you...you will find this truth out in the end, as I did. I learned more about myself, my life, my Lord, my priorities in life, my family, this year of the most wicked pain and hardship of 2012. And I couldn't of learned it with out all the hardship and pain. Can you get caregiver help weekly or a couple of times a week? Can you get the caregiver help as soon as you arrive home from work so that you can put your feet up and have time for yourself and let the caregiver go home when Mom falls asleep? Can you put your Mom in day care when you go to work?
I'm sorry that your useless siblings do not help. They shall reap what they sow and are missing out on the most beautiful part of your Mom's life----being with her journey toward heaven and Jesus Christ...which is far better than living on this earth. Accept your role in your life now... its only for a season. Resentment only brings on more anger and more frustration, which can lead to emotional breakdown.....as I had in the past. Just do what you can do and you cannot do any more than you are able. God understands this and He is the most important entity that will enable you to do it. No human being can help you the way God can. He was and still is my strength. Me, the most financially weakest and mentally fragile in the family turned out to be the strongest and most loving and compassionate. Strength comes in many different forms.......God does not make mistakes, if he chose you for this role, there is always a great reason. You cannot see it now.....but you will in the end, I promise.
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Hi , I totally get it. My precious dad died earlier this year and so I inherited my demented mom. She has a room in my home. I have a younger sibling but forget that. What I have found good for us is sending her to daycare and when she gets home at 5 pm I give her ,her meds that make her sleepy, change her for bed and give her , her dinner and off to bed 'till 8am. On the weekends her aid comes and takes care of her 'till she falls asleep. One day at a time is the key. Plan your trip, I went to London for a week two months ago and I left the aid in my house with mom. I try not to think of her dependency on me , staying away from negative thoughts and living a day at a time and sending her to daycare , putting her to bed early and having a sitter on the weekends is all I can do . I also am not the same daughter but she is not the same mom. We are doing our mothers right , you are a great human being with a big heart . Hang in there sister ! Much love your way !
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As you can already see, there are so many of us in the same situation as you. I too, have had a great deal of resentment at having to be the caretaker for my mother. However, I realized one day that I HAD to come to terms with it and make peace with it or the situation was going to "eat me alive". I am fortunate to have one sibling that helps out, but she lives two hours away--so that help is limited. I have another sibling who could help out but does not raise a finger to help or a $ towards the money my other sibling and I spend on my mom's care. That being said, I have finally realized the situation is what it is. You can choose to care for your mom in the way you have and by the high standards you have provided. Your alternative is to put her in a care facility. Can you live with that? Im not saying it is wrong to place a parent in a care facility. In fact I have explored this option for my own mother. Sometimes the level of care that needs to be provided is not possible with the parent still in the home. If, as you say, you would be worried that she is not receiving the care to the level that you would give, then I would say take that into account. I feel the exact same about placing my mom--I feel I can still provide better care for her in my home--so FOR TODAY-- this is the life I have chosen. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can I would say spend liberally and often to get caregivers to come in for several hours so that you can pursue your own activities. You say you resent having to arrange caregiving so you can go out. My question to you would be--what if you couldn't arrange it at all? What if you could not afford it? Having a caregiver so you can go out a few times a week is much better than being tied to your home all the time with no relief. Its a trade off. You must realize that you ARE trading your time and energy to see that your mom has good care. You must also realize that your relatives probably won't ever change. Once you quit trying to hold them accountable believe me, you will release a BIG burden. I speak from experience on this. They are not the least worried about the situation. Your spending energy to stay angry at them for their lack of caring is not going to change the situation one tiny bit. Be proud of the fine job you are doing for your mother--in spite of her faults, her selfishness, and in spite of having to give up freedoms. You are doing something that is unique and selfless. Live your life as best as you can NOW. We were not promised an easy life, but attitude and perspective can help us remind ourselves that we are doing something good and right and true for our loved ones who are in need.
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This is so much bigger then any of us expect. Even when we do take time to replenish ourselves we return to the same anguish and it is always with you when you are close to our parents. I think even those that seemingly turn their back on their parent are struggling. It is always in our minds and I have come to the conclusion that accepting this stage in my life is the only way I can survive it. It has affected all my relationships and there is such a resistance within myself, but I continue to be loving and caring towards my mother, but it doesn't come without price to my own happiness. I see no other path but acceptance. I am certainly not going to abandon my mother at her most difficult hour. I just try to accept and know that this will pass. In the meantime I have to try to live my life the best I can and to work at letting go of resentment.
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So many great shares here. You can see you are not alone. Your biggest mental hurdle seems to be you don't think anyone can offer the level of care that you can or they won't meet your expectations. Thats a hard one to get over and probably why you do so well at your job. But "skilled expert care" doesn't have to be "perfection"...It's natural for our loved ones to only want us to do thus and such for them -- they know us and they still "control us" to an extent -- so why would they want to get used to anyone else?

You have nothing to feel guilty about and have gone above and beyond. Its time now to have a sit down with your mom and tell her you need more help and love her and if she allows outside help -- that this will in turn give the two of you more quality time together. She'll balk but you need to say this is the plan, make a plan and then both agree to stick to it for 60 days and then re-evaluate.

Secondly, you need a vacation as others suggested. Tell her you are taking one alone with friends and will make arrangements for skilled care. Then go away; and have a friend or neighbor check in; you just go on vacation and don't look back or call in.

Thirdly, tell her that PA trips are too much anymore. That you will take her 3x per year going forward or whatever; or tell a sibling, cousin or whoever they have to meet you halfway and bring her back halfway.

You can't go on giving up your life for this. We don't owe our parents -- they should want our happiness too and should be open to allowing us time to live our lives.

You can't be your best self (to your mom, or career, friends) if you don't take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
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Zanniegirl -- yes, i believe i have surrendered this weekend. This is our new reality, and after we have mourned and grieved for our loss of life we can move on. I think we fight for our life because that is what we instinctively do, but i will try the surrender thing this week and see how much easier it may be. the next step will be to surrender whatever relationships we have had in the past. I will say that through all this struggle I have met some newfound friends from all walks of life and they are truly blessings.
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It is just so sad that most of us on this web site are struggling so with balancing our lives so we can care for our parents. This dilemma is going to continue because we are living in different times and such a complicated world. For myself I am just trying to accept the way things are and stop fighting it. I have been watching over my Mom for 3 years plus, every since my step Dad passed away. I am worn out emotionally, but I also know it is not going to change, perhaps for years. So all that is left for me is to surrender to what is the reality of my life. Fighting it only adds to my frustration and anger. As most here, I love my mother but never imagined that my life would take this turn. Am I selfish for having these feelings? Yes, we all have needs, desires and visions for our life, it is just not something we can control. All that is left is to surrender to what is, the more we fight it, the more we add to our own difficulties. Mt blessing to everyone here - and hug yourself for doing what you know is the right path.
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Yes, I too am experiencing your issue. I am so beyond resentful and even bitter about my situation. I, too have spoiled my mother because I come from a family of all boys and I'm the one girl who has been there for everything. I hate every minute of what's going on. I'm waiting for my husband to come back from his preplaned journey so I can even go visit my ailing father out of state. I no longer have the same friendships i had before because I'm so resentful of their lives and they do not understant mine. I'm with ya,,,and the latest anger I'm feeling is that I've raised my two children, they are off to college, went back to work full-time to support their tuition and build a retirement for myself, did everything right and now, no help and no one gives a hoot. sorry for being so negative, but it sucks because the love and compassion i had for my mom is going away, it's sad i mean, i will take care of her and do what is required and hope for the best, but believe me, when people say its a loving thing, no, i'm not feeling that. do you?
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You know what is so sad? The lady above is completely right. We all know where this will end and no one will care what we did or didnt do. We have to only live with ourselves and know in our hearts that we did our best. I have learned the hard way to make a will, so should this Alzheimers happen to me, my daughter will not have to have the burdens that I have had.
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I'm still young, but my mother already moved in with me and my husband. She's 62 but has many medical issues and is getting more and more helpless (right now you could think she's 70). My big mistake was bringing her into our home thinking she can take care of herself. Not so. She demands to go everywhere with me and my husband as if she was our child. By everywhere I mean dinners, birthday parties (for people she doesn't even know), weddings (same), conferences (!), professional training (yep)... Forget about vacations. She throws a fit when she can't go. We bought her a ticket to go to Seattle with us, while I accompany my husband to a conference. She's now pissed that she realized she won't be tagging along to dinners with us. I told her "I'm married, and I will spend my time with my husband separately from my time with you. If you're upset by that, then consider going to a different kind of trip with us." I also told her to make up her mind if she's going or not within three days, since that's the cut off time for cancelling the ticket. She clamped up. I'm scared to think what is to come, since she won't be eligible for separate housing until she becomes a citizen, and that's years away... Hope you at least find my story amusing.
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The biggest source of resentment is the feeling "I have to do something I don't want to do." We tend to focus on the "I don't want to do it" part, but the solution is in the "I have to do it" part. Look hard at that; change what you can change about it and take ownership of the choices that you're making. "I am choosing this" is a whole 'nuther reality from "I have to do this."
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Although my story is different in some ways, I completely understand your resentment. When my husband had bladder cancer, I took care of him for over a year. My mother got sick at 85 and I had to take care of her. Lucky she had my father to "watch" her, so I didn't have to live with her. I cleaned and cooked and shopped and bathed her for 3 years. After she died, my father's health declined and, except for when he was in a rehab for a few months, I wound up taking care of him from the time he was 90-95. I finally got someone in to lift, change and bathe him at the end because I couldn't physically do it anymore. Just when I thought it was over...The day he died, my boyfriend had a massive stroke!. So, guess who he is depending on to wash, dress, feed and care for him? He has 5 kids and they all "have their own life"...Here's the bottom line. It's a thankless, awful job and you have every right to be resentful. I have a brother who is completely useless, too. He lives about 15 minutes away and visited my dad twice a year. But, when it came time, he was right in the front of the line for the money. Don't count on any pats on the back. They don't exist. Sorry to sound so negative, but in the end, it's hard to find anything positive about it. Things never, ever get better and we all know how it ends. I can't say why I allow it. Maybe I have no self-esteem at all. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, or I just can't deal with a guilty conscience. It doesn't matter. Please use this as a lesson. Do whatever you have to do to get out of that situation. It doesn't get better. You will give up your life and nobody will care. You'll wind up bitter like me and you'll just wreck your own health. The only thing you will have is bad memories. It's a waste of time. Live your life.
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I think the best thing for you and your Mom is for her to go live in an ALF. They are really nice apartments with privacy, activities, transportation, hairdressers on site (at least where my aunt lived), meals, etc. I have said it before in other responses, and I am saying it again: Your Mom, if she spoke to you from a vantage point of 40 years ago, would tell you to live YOUR life. Her thinking now is addled, whether dementia or no. White lies can ease the transition. I understand you completely. Depression and stress can be damaging to your life and career, as you well know. Mom needs to move out. Mom of 40 years ago (unless she was other than a loving one) would tell you to live instead of exist. People who live with saints become martyrs. People who try to live like saints can become martyrs, too. You have a choice here. What happens when your roommate says 'I can't take it anymore!'? It will be better for both of you.
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Musiclover: I too can relate. I would ask you to seriously consider Assisted Living. Unfortunately, I catered to my mom's every desire and she was very dependent on me. She would not do anything by herself or let anyone else help her because she wanted me to do it. I tried to talk to Mom about AL when I saw how she was becoming forgetful, but she would hang up on me and then pout for a week. Well, now that Mom is living in a memory care facility and I see the active life she COULD have lived in the assisted living that is on the property, I regret not pushing the issue with her and telling her that I couldn't handle all her care any longer and I needed help! Caregivers in assisted living get a break, they are always upbeat and refreshed because they get sleep! They get a break from their patients, you do not. Your Mom will surprise you once she gets to assisted living. She will play bingo, have delicious meals and go on activities. My Mom, sadly can do none of that now, I wish I would have pushed her into it and I see now how I did her no favors by letting her depend 100% on me for EVERYTHING. I totally understand your resentment. I understand the guilt too. I wish you and your Mom every blessing and good luck on your journey! Hugs.
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I believe that we are each in this new/different phase in our lives BECAUSE life is naturally a changing of seasons. And you are in this season for TWO reasons: that of time moving forward and that of YOUR character trait of compassion! None of you would have opened your homes or everyday activities to "MOM" unless your compassion kicked in and the responsibilities became yours. So that is to say you are not a bad person when you see yourself in this complicated situation. SO NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS? Make your choices each day evaluating honestly what NEEDS to be done first (for self and then mom), and then what you really WANT personally to do for your mom. While accomplishing the WANTS you will be good to yourself if you can make the effort to recognize that a day can only hold so much and once the "load" for the day is figured out, give that and be able to stop. HEY at that point you gave appropriatly so don't kick yourself, instead use the rest of the waking moments to repair yourself and regain strength for the next day. I admit it is very hard to pull away and "miss" a day here and there but you MUST. This will be good for you and then your mom. There are wonderful staff members at ALF's that sacrifice themselves daily because their life passion is to care! And when they have the chance to interact with "mom" on days you are not in the picture - your mom benefits along with you...I am blessed that we found a ALF/Independent living facility that is four miles from our home. We moved mom 100 miles away from her house of 40 years after my brother died suddently in his 40's. With getting established with all new doctors and me with her POA I have been able to see the bigger picture of her health and psychological needs. This has been not without STRESS. I have to swallow hard when I go to do the things for her and be with her. Many times she has been angry being forced into this situation not by choice. We couldn't control the event of my brother's passing nor my mother's quick decline of Dementia. She has been a smart lady and her awareness of these things happening has been frightening to her and out of her normal CONTROL mode. As time has progressed and we are further into this mess and PTSD meds have been apparently working, I have gotten to a point where I can take a day off - even though I am looking over my shoulder waiting for the next health crisis to be put on the plate. Sumarizing - you must take one day and even one hour at a time. Be diligent to make effective choices that benefit "mom" and ALSO yourself. And know that there are prayers going forward for all of US as we take our daily steps...quoting a song "ONE DAY AT a time, Sweet Jesus"
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i too, feel that resentment and feel my relationship changing with my mom, My story is so similar to yours.. I am married and I feel mom is taking away a time in my life where i should be enjoying my husband. I really resent that she wont even consider assisted living. My mom is healthy (did have a health scare that prompted us to have her move in and sell her house) Big mistake! She acts so immature some times and I find myself getting angry and annoyed. Anyway...I feel the same frustration of not wanting to lose that old relationship I had with my mom, but if I make her move out it will destroy any hope for a relationship.. I feel you....
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musiclover1, it is true that so many of us are in the same or similar positions, and it seems like most of the time, the parent we most resent are our mothers. Which truthfully scares me a lot.......meaning, I do not want to be like that with my daughters!
But regarding your resentment, you are not alone and you have to find the strength to stop feeling guilty. You touched on some things that so closely mimic my situation that I truly can relate to your feelings. I am 56 with a 77 yr old mom living with my husband and I "because she was afraid to live alone any longer".
Well, I drank that kool aid and we brought her in. Now, she does have chronic, severe COPD that requires medical attention and she is on breathing treatments 4 times per day. Recently, the doc put her on 02 to wear whenever she is up moving around for more than 10 minutes. She never wears it because "she doesn't really need it" but just walking from her room to the kitchen you can hear her huffing and puffing!
She wasn't in my home 2 weeks when she made me so angry, I cannot even speak to her. My best friend came to visit for a week and mom acted like a brat because we did not ask her to go run around with us whenever we went somewhere. In the first place, she could not have kept up with us, in the second place, this is MY friend, and thirdly, I have not had a vacation in the 15 yrs since my dad died because I would use up every hour of PTO running to Florida to take care of her when she would get sick.
My only sister told me years ago, don't count on me, I want nothing to do with her, so I have no help either.
The only difference in our two spoiled mothers is that mine still drives, goes out to lunch and gets her nails and hair done all the time and is currently ON VACATION in North Carolina with my uncle and cousin. So I completely understand your anger and resentment. You need to take the advice of the above responders and live your life. I am going to do the same. In 6 years, I will be 62 and mom will be 83 and most likely, really need someone at that point. My advice to my mom is going to be to let me finish my career, enjoy my husband and my family and friends while I still can or she is going to find herself on her own.
Good luck to you......
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I never got along with my mother. I also feel very resentful. One reason she is in such poor health at 82 is she is extremely overweight and always thought it was "unladylike" for women to exercise. We constantly have battles because I refuse to give up my workout. The hour spent exercising helps me keep my sanity.

We constantly go to doctors appointments for one ailment or another, but then she doesn't do what the doctors tell her to do. "It's too hard". Every time we go out she has to have a large chocolate frosty from Wendy's and then is surprised every time we go to the doctor and she has gained weight.

I'm an only child but I have a cousin who generously offers to help but "Mom doesn't like her". When I hire some one I'm "Shuffling her off to strangers"

Good question how do we get over the resentment?
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My situation is a little different. The feelings of anger and resentment are natural according to all I have read and caring people from this site. Itbis very hard to let go of the hurt and lack of support from siblings. I am now on anti anxiety meds. They help but, you need time away. I firmly believe, it is guilt that drives me nuts and my parent's dependency on me. Being married helps as I have someone to talk to.
The best advice I can give you is to find someone who will listen and to take time when you can. Good Luck. My prayers are with you.
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musiclover1,
I'm very similar to you. Your history could be mine. Know you're not alone, that many of us career women without children, now caring for aging mothers, feel the same resentment, angst and stress as you also, I might add, the guilt for feeling the resentment. You're right that there are few answers, but there are ways to lessen some of the stress like this great site. Also, seeing a counselor helps, meditation and having at least one good girl friend who'll listen and understand when you need to vent. Good luck!
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Your story reminds me of the saying 'nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there'. You know, you were fine when you had to travel to see her, so some stuff for her then go home? It's kinda sounds like that to me. Anyway, why does she either have to be living with you, or in a nursing home? Isn't there something in between like asst. living or Adult Foster Care? You can still make sure she's taken care of, without having her living under the same roof. How useless are your siblings? If you were to call them and say that you NEED them to take mom for a month, would they absolutely say no? Or, if they won't physically help, what about pitching in some money to help with her care in hiring someone to stay with her while you go on a vacation? And if she's never going back to her house to live, then it's time to sell it. No sense running back and forth to look at it, for no reason in my opinion. Time for you to take back some of the control that you gave up when she moved in. I don't care if she doesn't want anyone else taking care of her, do it anyhow. She can just buck up. Anyway, that's how I see it looking in from a distance. Good luck.
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