My Dad was in the hospital and rehab for the past month and is finally, as of today, back in his AL (which he likes). But one issue that came up during his stay is that I got a cold. I decided to forgo a visit and get a COVID test (based on what the rehab wanted) and OMG, he was so mad. I'm vaccinated and boosted but I do not want to be the person who brings COVID into a nursing home! Of course I was being careful. But he was angry and upset that I didn't visit that day. (And he's not weird about COVID, he's vaccinated, etc) I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced this and I'm sure it's not the last time. Sometimes I can't go to see him….because I've got to be cautious.

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Just come up with a simple answer and a little fib.....nausea, vomiting, diahrea should do it
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT

FIL tells anyone who will listen that we are holding him hostage! He is still at home. And he does not have an official diagnosis but we suspect he is in the early stages of dementia at this point. We have been super careful about taking him out - the combination of his mobility issues - which already make it incredibly hard to take him anywhere (very large man and oversized scooter make taking him most places impossible to begin with, so we are very limited) and his increasing lack of social recognition (he KNOWS about COVID (fully vaccinated and boosted) but still doesn't really seem to either understand or believe that he has to social distance, will try to wear his mask down around his chin, will roll his scooter right up to people, will ignore protocols for going into the doctor's office when they ask him to stay outside once they have done the outside stuff in spite of being told to wait, if we are in a restaurant he will roll right up to people's table to talk to them) makes taking him out places difficult at best. Even just taking him out for a ride is problematic. He is uncomfortable in the car and screams at everyone about their driving at the worst possible moments (has nearly caused a couple of accidents startling the driver). We have tried to get him take his scooter out on "walks" with SIL when the weather was nice but that was a no-go. So we are apparently holding him hostage at home. And he is angry about it and takes every opportunity to tell anyone who is NOT us that he sees about it. Most people just smile and nod at him, and then step back since he is in their bubble.

I guess my point is, I think like others are saying, this is more about something that was out of his control than COVID or anything else. You weren't there, he didn't like that his routine or whatever was thrown off, he got upset. That is bound to happen from time to time. And the best way to deal with it is to gloss over it and let him have his moment and move on.

We tried to explain over and over again that we were trying to protect FIL. We joked that he could leave any time he wanted. We teased. We explained. We did everything we could. And then ultimately we just ignored. And when we stopped trying to make it up to him or giving him the attention he was looking for with it, he stopped bringing it up so often.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
Cover99 Nov 30, 2021
His Dementia has made his world small and they become self-centered. They cannot comprehend what you are trying to explain. All he knows were not there. Blame the Rehab. They said you can't come in with a cold. Could be the flu they don't want brought in.

Did you call and tell him you weren't visiting? Depending how far into his Dementia he is, I may not have done that. Those with Dementia have no conception of time. He may not have even realized you didn't visit. Days run together.

My Mom visited my Aunt #1 her SIL. As she was leaving she ran into Aunt #2, sister to Aunt #1. Aunt #2 said to Aunt #1 "Did you have a nice visit with P" Aunt #1 said "P wasn't here". If your Dads short-term memory is shot, he won't even remember that you weren't there.
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Reply to JoAnn29

If a visitor/loved one is experiencing ANY symptoms of ANY illness whatsoever, or even not feeling well slightly, we are not allowed to visit in my mother's Memory Care ALF, period. One time I called over there saying I had a stomach ache and wouldn't be visiting, then showed up later to drop something off, and they would not let me inside to see my mother b/c I'd said I had a stomach ache earlier.

Your dad can be angry all he'd like; you can't change the rules of his AL. And, even if the AL doesn't have those rules in place for their resident's safety, YOU do, and that's THAT
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lealonnie1

s OK to be mad, even if you DON'T have dementia. However, being mad doesn't change the world. Explain to your Dad that you understand this makes him angry but that there is nothing you can do about it. Tell him you are sorry there will be some days you cannot visit, but that you are doing the best you can. Should his anger continue, making the current visit unhappy, gently make your exit, telling him you will be back tomorrow and hope his mood will be a bit better so you are able to stay.
What I am saying is that NO ONE who insists on making a visit unhappy should be rewarded with your staying.
You are doing everything right. There is Covid-19, and you can get tested for that, but often the regular flu can be lethal for elders, and we are not getting tested for that. If you are feeling unwell you shouldn't be visiting a place that houses vulnerable citizens.
Wishing you (and Dad) well.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Sometimes you can’t go see him because you’re human and things happen—regardless of covid. Stop trying to explain and don’t listen to the anger. “Sorry dad, I couldn’t make it” and move on
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Daughterof1930

Your profile says he has dementia. I think that's the answer. It's not about covid. It's about his brain and not being able to understand the world around him very well anymore. He was angry that you did not do what he expected. He wanted you to be there. Just let it go and stop trying to explain it to him. Gloss over it - I know, sorry I couldn't be here. But I'm here now, so.....
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Reply to againx100

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