My elderly mother is a widow and has always been very critical of me but I am at my wits end. Last year she had knee replacement and I stayed for a solid two weeks 24/7. She kept telling me how bad I snore - I was worn out! She bragged that she was easy to take care of!! Since I'm an only child, I have zero help. She has a history of this behavior. She was cruel to my grandmother and stepdad and has no friends. Now that they're gone, it's me. She recently told me she doesn't like my hair, I need to wear heels to not look so short and makes fun of me for liking a certain restaurant and occasionally returning things that don't fit! Need I say more? Other than not talking to her, how should I navigate her rudeness?
“ Mom, I am unable to provide the level of care you need “ . Then she either hires help or goes to a nursing home or assisted living .
Being her only child does NOT obligate you to provide for her every need or want.
I encourage you to seek out professional help (Psychological counseling) to extract yourself from this enmeshment.
In fact, you do not need to do anything. If you are genuinely concerned about your mother's well-being, you may contact APS (Adult Protective Services) and let them navigate meeting her needs.
You don't even need to do that. Her problems are Not your problem.
Not talking to her is the best idea you've had! Proceed with that.
Mom needs you more than you need her. So if she wants help, she has to stop the verbal abuse. It may be hard for her since this seems to be her personality. You need to have a talk with her. This means sitting down and looking her strsight in the eye. You need her to stop the critism. It is actually verbal abuse. If she needs you to help from time to time, then there needs to be respect. If she feels she is not capable of doing this, then she will need to find someone else to help her because you refuse to take her abuse anymore.
There is a method called " gray rock" look it up. You actually act like she is not there. Look it up. You are an adult, not a child. Mom is now a part of that life not the center of it. If you have your own family, they are your #1 priority. You need to set boundaries with Mom. I did and didn't realize I did. Your not at her beck and call. For my Mom we set up a day for shopping and running errands. My DH and I went to dinner every friday. When Mom became a widow she joined us. I took her to Church every week. Anything between that was when I could get around to doing it if not an emergency. My Mom still had her Church functions and friends and really no expectations of me. You tell Mom what your willing to do, not the other way around.
It does not sound like you are living with her so when you see her if she starts in you get up and leave.
If you are on the phone and she starts you hang up.
My guess is if you were working for someone and they treated you this way you would report them and quit.
Once you tell her that you are not going to take the abuse you have to follow thorough or she will see it as one more thing that she can berate you for.
BOUNDARIES.Set them and stick to them.
In fact, take every ounce of effort you were putting into her and use it on yourself. Get checkups for everything, get it all looked at. You matter, and don't forget that.
What is more important is what you owe to yourself. She should have protected you, not caused you pain, so now you must stand up for yourself. Don't allow her to use her age as a way to manipulate you, and don't listen to outside people who try to tell you you can't just abandon your mother. You can, in fact, cut out anyone who is abusing you, and you should. Don't let people guilt you into anything. They have no idea what she is really like, or they wouldn't tell you to put up with it. And there may be no convincing them, so I would again, only respond one time saying that taking care of an abusive mother is not something you are willing to do, and the discussion should end there, or else you are leaving the area, hanging up the phone, etc.
Put up those boundaries and do the job your mom should have done in your childhood, which is raise someone who won't be torn down by an abusive person. I'm sorry she's like that, but guess what? You are not alone. Definitely find some good counseling to help you so you don't end up leaving her and jumping into the same pattern with another person. It's really hard to see this from the inside, and it's hard to evaluate potential friends and partners and associates, because you have these patterns instilled in you that don't allow you to protect yourself. These people may look different and use different words and situations but they'll basically be doing the same thing. Your first abuser grooms you for every other abuser.
She doesn't like your hair? You don't like her personality, and maybe it's time to tell her that.
She appears to be capable of hiring and firing her own help. Let her.
The constant criticism is a form of abuse, and a caregiver should never take care of someone who is abusive. Sharing DNA is not a reason to be abused! Plus this will only get worse as time goes on.
I'm really sorry for your situation, but only you can fix it, and the best way to do that is to refuse to be her caregiver. She'll get mad, but so what? Being controlled by mom's anger is not what adults do. Growing up means setting boundaries, and the best boundary ever is, "Buh-bye, mom."